The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (201 page)

If you have a green ball in your left hand, and you have a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

The complete and undivided attention of the Incredible Hulk.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

They don’t have any balls to scratch.

Why did the eunuch fail to cross the road?

He didn’t have the balls.

Did you hear about the bloke with square testicles?

He had cubic hairs.

What do you call a man with three balls?

A juggler.

I read somewhere that women have one breast bigger than the other.

Or is that just bollocks?

The great pharaoh Ramses II was dictating to a scribe. As the great pharaoh spoke, the scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. “I am going to create . . .” the monarch said slowly, “a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . . and virile . . . young men.”

The chips suddenly ceased flying. “Excuse me, your majesty,” said the perspiring chiseller, hesitantly, “. . . but is virile spelled with one testicle or two?”

A man applies to the local council for a job. The interviewer asks him; “Have you been in the armed services?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in the Falklands.”

The interviewer says: “Good. That will give you extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?”

The man says, “Yes, 100 per cent. A land mine blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer replies: “Excellent. You’re hired. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 a.m., why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?”

“This is the council,” the interviewer explains. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

I saw a sign in a public toilet. It said, “Please leave these premises in the condition that you would like to have found it in”. So I left a porno mag and a line of coke.

Some graffiti spotted in the ladies’ public toilet, obviously written by a male intruder, read: “I’m 12 inches long and three inches wide. Are you interested?”

Written underneath, in more feminine handwriting: “Interested? I’m amazed. But what is the size of your dick?”

Why do French men always miss the urinal?