The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (202 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
You try pissing with both your hands in the air!
According to a recent survey, reading, chatting and texting are among the favourite activities of Britons on the toilet. The study suggests more than fourteen million people in the UK read newspapers, books and magazines. Eight million people talk – either on the phone or to family – and one in five send texts. Personally I’d rather have a shit.
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets so big you can run around in them.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s changing room?
Say, “Nice dick!”
A man goes into a public lavatory for a pee and sees a man standing beside him at the urinal. He realizes the man doesn’t have any arms.
“Could you help me with my zipper, please?” the disabled man politely asks.
Feeling uncomfortable, the man obliges. The disabled man stands there for a few seconds, and then asks. “Erm, could you do me a favour and pull my trousers down for me?”
Once again, the man feels obliged to assist and tugs at the man’s trousers. The disabled guy says, “I hate to ask, but could you please take my penis out for me?”
The man freezes, but, feeling very sorry for the guy, he reaches in and helps free the man’s willy from his Y-fronts, and then steps back in shock. The man’s penis is covered with green scabs and pus.
When the disabled man finishes peeing, he says: “Thanks for helping me. I really appreciate it.”
The good samaritan starts washing his hands and says, “No problem. If you don’t mind me asking – what’s wrong with your dick?”
“Fuck knows,” he replies, pulling his arms free of his jacket. “But I’m not touching it.”
Urinal Etiquette
Excitable:
runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it down, finds shorts have twisted around his leg, can’t find hole, rips button off in rage, pisses in pants.Sociable:
joins a friend in a piss, whether he needs one or not.Boss-eyed:
looks at a urinal to his left, pisses in one on his right.Nosey:
peers at the next guy to see how he is fixed.Timid:
unable to piss when someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks back later.Indifferent
: if all the urinals are in use, pisses in sink.Show-off:
no hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor.Worried:
unsure of what he has been into lately, makes quick inspection before pissing.Drunk:
holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
Two pubic hairs on a toilet seat. One says to the other, “How long you here for?”
“I don’t know,” the other replies. “I suppose until I get pissed off.”
Absent-minded:
opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.Disgusted:
attempts to piss for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces, turns around and charges back. Doesn’t make it.Sneaky:
farts silently while pissing, knowing the man standing at the next urinal will be blamed.Immature:
pisses directly into bottom of urinal because likes to see it bubble.Patient:
stands for a very long time while reading broadsheet newspaper with free hand.Desperate:
having waited for ages in a queue, grinds his teeth while pissing in his pants.Efficient:
waits until he has to shit and then does both jobs at once.Tough:
bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it.Obese:
has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses, pisses on shoes.Frivolous:
plays his stream of piss up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly.
What’s white, jelly-like and runs down a public toilet wall?
George Michael’s latest release.
I went into some public toilets the other day to have a shit. When I sat down and locked the door, a voice came from the cubicle next to me. “Hello mate, how are you doing?”
I thought this was a bit odd, but I didn’t want to be rude so I replied, “Not too bad, thanks.”
After a short pause, I heard the voice again: “Anyway, what are you up to?”
I replied, somewhat hesitantly, “Er . . . just having a quick shit actually. How about yourself?”
Then I heard the voice say, “Sorry, mate, I’ll have to phone you back. There’s some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.”
An unemployed pianist with Tourette’s is walking the streets looking for work when he spies a bar with a sign in the window: “Pianist wanted for evening performances”.