The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (207 page)

Violets have fleas,

Peel back my skin,

And lick off my cheese.

Roses are red,

When in reality,

Sleeping with girls

Don’t beat bestiality

Roses are red,

Violets are finer,

Chickens are fowl,

Just like your vagina.

Roses are red,

Skid marks are brown,

Give us a blow job

And swallow it down.

Roses make me laugh,

Violets make me titter,

You’re a dirty bitch,

And you love it up the shitter.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Im schizophrenic,

And I am too.

Roses are red,

But I like carnations,

You're so crap in bed,

That I fucked your Alsatians.

Mummy, mummy, what’s a vampire?

Shut up, son, and eat your soup before it clots.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, his face covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats could smell the blood and wanted to know where he got it. The bat told them to clear off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“Okay, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with thousands of bats behind him, down through a valley, across a river, until they arrived in a huge forest. Finally he stopped and all the other bats milled excitedly around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

“See that large oak tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat. “Because I fucking well didn’t.”

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

“See you next month.”

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third asks for a mug of hot water.

“Why didn’t you order blood like everyone else?” asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”

Why did the vampire visit the orthodontist?