The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (80 page)

“Who’s there?”

“Hitler.”

“Hitler who?”

“For denying the holocaust you are now sentenced to ten years in an Austrian prison.”

A teenager was playing on his Playstation when his grandad came in the bedroom and sat down next to him. “What are you doing?” asked the grandad. “You’re eighteen years old and you’re wasting your life! When I was your age I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the bar and left without paying! I knew how to have a good time!”

A few weeks later the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the lad still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

“What happened to you?” asked the grandfather.

“Well, grandad,” replied the boy, “I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, and pissed all over the bar . . . and the barman beat seven shades of shit out of me!”

“Oh dear!” replied the grandad. “Who did you go to Paris with?”

“Just a couple mates, why? Who did you go with?”

His grandad replied: “The Third Panzer Division.”

I don’t hate Germans, I just miss my grandparents.

What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best comedian?

Only the first one can make you laugh.

We had a German plumber round the other day to fix our radiators. He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply. I suppose old habits die hard!

What’s the difference between Lady Diana and the East Germans?

The East Germans survived the wall.

I bought a sun lounger from eBay last week. It arrived with a German towel already on it.

What’s the difference between a ginger pussy and a bowling ball?

You could eat a bowling ball if you really had to.

A man’s wife is in labour. After the birth, the doctor takes the man on one side and says: “You have a son. Unfortunately we have some good news and some bad news.”

The man says “Okay tell it me straight.”

The doctor continues: “Well, your baby is brain damaged. He is unable to feed himself, will never be able to walk or see and will require constant care throughout his life. I’m afraid this sort of thing isn’t covered by insurance, so it’s going to cost you a fortune and you may have to remortgage your home to pay for it.”

The man is visibly shocked. He recovers his composure and says: “Well, that’s awful. But please, tell me the good news.”

The doctor looks at him and says: “Sorry, that was the good news. The bad news is that your baby is ginger.”

What do ginger people miss most about parties?

What’s the difference between a ginger and a brick?