The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (75 page)

They soon stopped when I started saying it to them at funerals.

A Jewish guy is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Levi, sell your business.” He ignores the voice but it goes on for days. “Levi, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, Levi relents and sells his store. The voice says, “Levi, take the $3 milion and go to Las Vegas.”

“Why?” Levi asks.

The voice just repeats, “Levi, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.”

So he obeys the voice from above and takes his $3 million to Las Vegas and goes to a casino. The voice says, “Levi, go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand.”

Levi hesitates, but knows that he must. He sits down at the blackjack table and is dealt an eighteen with his first two cards. The dealer has a six showing.

“Levi, take a card,” the voice booms.

“What? The dealer has—”

“Take a card!” the voice booms again.

So he tells the dealer to hit him. Levi gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes a huge sigh of relief.

The voice booms, “Levi, take another card.”

“What?”

“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!”

So Levi asks for another card. It’s another ace – he has twenty!

“Levi, take another card,” the voice commands.

“I have twenty!” Levi shouts.

“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice.

“Okay, hit me,” Levi tells the dealer. He gets another ace. Twenty-one.

The voice from above booms: “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”

A man walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. Unable to believe his eyes, he says to the dog’s owner, “Is that your dog playing poker?”

“Yep, it certainly is,” the owner replies.

“That’s amazing!” says the man.

“Nah, not really. Every time the fucker has a good hand he wags his tail.”

A man is strolling down the street when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, gives it good rub and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which he replies, “I’ve always wanted to be lucky.” The genie grants his wish.

So the man strolls on, wondering if the wish has worked, when he sees a £10 in the gutter. “Fuck me,” he says to himself. “Not a bad start!”

Just then he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing newspapers and sees a horse called Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the third race at Chester. He puts £10 on the horse for a straight win. Unbelievably, his horse romps home in first place. Feeling that he’s defnitely on a bit of a roll, he heads straight for the local casino, goes to the nearest roulette table and puts the entire £1,010 on “lucky” seven. Round and round the wheel spins – and the ball lands on seven.

He’s now more than £35,000 up! What better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel? He knocks and enters. All of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishiment puts her arm around him and says, “Welcome sir! We have much pleasure to inform you that you are our lucky thousandth customer and you have won the right to take any room and any girl who works here, on the house, absolutely free of charge!”

Our hero says that he’s always fancied bedding an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. A couple of minutes later, the most gorgeous Indian girl he has ever seen walks into the room – a real Bollywood stunner. For the next hour or so they put the Karma Sutra through its paces. The guy pauses and says to the girl, “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don’t really don’t get about Indian women – that stupid red spot that you all have on your forehead.”

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and replies, “Sir, I am here to please you and fulfil your every desire. If my caste mark offends you, then you have my permission to scratch if off.”

So he starts scratching at the girl’s caste mark with his fingernail. Suddenly he stops and begins laughing hysterically.

“What’s wrong sir?” the Indian girl asks, really worried.

He replies, “You’re not going to believe this sweetheart, but I’ve just won a car!”

What’s two foot tall, silver and stands at the end of a little girl’s bed?

Gary Glitter’s boots.

What is the difference between Gary Glitter and a plastic bag?

You would let your children play with a plastic bag.

McDonald’s are launching a Gary Glitter burger. It is made of sixty-year-old meat inside ten-year-old buns.

Gary Glitter announced from his cell today that after he has served his time he and his family will be jetting off to Florida, USA to start afresh. Apparently he’s going to Tampa with the kids.