The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (147 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
Your date has to chew before she swallows.
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, apparently frying one of his socks in a pan. “What the hell are you doing?” he asks.
“I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed, blind drunk,” she replies.
Baffed, the man replies, “No way. I don’t remember asking you to cook my sock.”
What is the worst thing about oral sex?
The view.
How is a vagina like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What do you call the space between the vagina and the arsehole?
The chin rest.
When is an elf not an elf?
When she’s sucking your cock, she’s a goblin.
Why do men love blow jobs so much?
They love any job they can lie back and watch a woman do.
What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After a couple of years your job still sucks.
A young courting couple are locked in a passionate embrace. He asks, “Can I have a blow job, please?”
“No chance!” replies his girlfriend.
“Why not?” he asks her.
“Because you won’t respect me afterwards.”
Three years later they get engaged. After a celebratory meal at a posh restaurant, they go back home and he asks,“Can I have a blow job now, please?”
“No,” she replies. “You won’t respect me afterwards.” Another three years later they get married. Lying in bed together on their wedding night, he asks again, “Can I have a blow job now, please, my love?”
“No,” she replies. “You won’t respect me afterwards.”
Twenty-five years later, they are sitting in bed together. He puts down his book, takes off his glasses and turns to his wife of twenty-fve years, and asks “Can I have a blow job please, love?”
“No,” she replies. “You won’t respect me afterwards.”
He says, “Look, I’ve known you for over thirty years! We’ve been married twenty-five years! We’ve got three children, one grandson with another on the way. Surely by now you must know how much respect I have for you!”
“Okay, I suppose you have a point,” she sighis. “All right, I’ll give you a blow job.”
Ten minutes after she is finished, the phone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says, “Well, answer it then, you old cocksucker.”
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
Partially disabled.
“
In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men liked them so much, 5 per cent enjoyed the sensation, 10 per cent enjoyed the excitement and 85 per cent just liked the fucking silence.
”
How do we know God is a man?