The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (144 page)

I replied, “No, darling, you have diabetes because no one runs in your family.”

Doctors have confirmed that the actress Dawn French has the ebola fresh-eating disease. They have given her twenty-seven years to live.

I think Dawn French is a great actress. It’s odd, because usually I can’t stand anything that Lenny Henry has been in.

I’ll never forget finding my first grey pubic hair. I wouldn’t have minded, only it was in a kebab.

An elderly man goes to see his doctor for a check-up. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, “Well, everything seems to be in reasonably good condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?”

The man says, “No problem, me and God, we’re good. He takes care of me, you know.”

“Really? How’s that?” says the doctor.

“Every night when I have to get up to go to the toilet, he turns on the light for me and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.”

Upon hearing this, the doctor is slightly baffed and calls the old man’s wife. “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the bathroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?”

She replies: “The old fool, he’s been pissing in the fridge again.”

Two old gentlemen in their eighties are sitting by the sea front at Blackpool, staring out to sea. After a couple of hours one says “You know what I fancy?”

“No, what?” says his friend.

“One of those ice creams with hundreds and thousands and a fake.”

The other says: “Wait there, I’ll go and get two.”

Four hours later, he returns, sits down and hands the other a paper bag. He puts in his hand and pulls out a saveloy.

“What this?” he asks.

“A steak and kidney pie.”

“You useless old fool. You forgot the gravy.”

What’s got 100 balls and fucks old ladies? Bingo.

One morning an elderly man was out playing golf, when he hit his ball into the deep rough. While searching for the ball he came across a frog. The frog looked up at him and said: “Sir, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” So the old man bent down, picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and carried on looking for his ball.

A few minutes later a voice from his pocket shouted, “Oi! I don’t think you heard me. I said, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

The old man replied, “No thanks. Frankly at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

An old couple are at the doctor’s. The doctor says to the old man, “I need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a blood sample.”

The old man says, “What?”

The doctor repeats: “I need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a blood sample.”

Once again, the old man says, “What?”

So the doctor yells: “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”

The old woman turns to her husband and says, “Bert, he wants your underpants.”

Two old women are sitting in a cafe. One says to the other: “Did you come on the bus?”

“Yes,” replies her friend. “But I made it look like an asthima attack.”

What does an eighty-year-old woman have between her legs that a young woman doesn’t?