The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (181 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
“G.I. Joe?” the mother replies. “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”
“No,” the daughter replied. “She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”
Jane met Tarzan for the first time. After some preliminary flirting, she asked him about his sex life. “Tarzan not know sex,” he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh, I understand. Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.” A little bemused, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong. But I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes and stood naked before him. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth revealing a huge erection, then directed an almighty kick right in her fanny. As Jane rolled around the foor in agony, she managed to gasp: “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees.”
Little Tommy was watching television in his room one evening and decided to go downstairs to ask his mum and dad about something he’d just heard.
“Dad,” said Tommy “what’s love juice?”
Mum and dad are horrifed. Eventually, dad finishes choking on his tea and decides to bite the bullet. “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway, so here goes.” He gulps and continues, “One day you will meet a girl who you like and you will become very excited and your willy will get very hard. You might want to touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel damp. This is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she is ready for sexual intercourse.”
Tommy just sits there with his mouth wide open in astonishment. Dad finishes the talk and asks: “So, now you can tell me what it is you’ve been watching that you shouldn’t be.”
Tommy replies, “Wimbledon.”
A woman brings eight-year-old Jimmy home and complains to his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with her eight-year-old daughter.
“Let’s not be too harsh,” says Jimmy’s mum. “They are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies the girl’s mother. “He’s removed her appendix!”
What a Man Means When he says . . .
I’m hungry
– I’m hungry.I’m tired
– I’m tired.Do you want to go to see a film?
– I would like to have sex with you.Can I take you out to dinner?
– I would like to have sex with you.Can I call you sometime?
– I would like to have sex with you.Would you like to dance?
– I would like to have sex with you.Nice dress!
– Nice tits!You look tense, let me give you a massage
– I would like to have sex with you, but first I want you to take your clothes off so I can fondle you.What’s wrong?
– I don’t see why you’re making such a big fucking deal about a bit of a fondle.What’s wrong?
– What meaningless self-inflicted stupid psychological trauma are you going through now?What’s wrong?
– Bollocks, guess sex tonight is out of the question.I’m bored
– Do you want to have sex or not?I love you
– I want it NOW!I love you, too
– Okay I’ve said it, so can we please have sex NOW!?Yes, I like what you have done with your hair
– I liked it better before.Yes, I like what you have done with your hair
– £30 and it doesn’t look that much different!Let’s talk
– I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.Will you marry me?
– I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men.I like that dress better
– For fuck’s sake, just buy any dress and let’s go home!I don’t think that top and that skirt go well together
– I am gay.
What’s the definition of a competitive alpha male?
Someone who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest.
Why are men like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odours and half the time they don’t work.
How are men and linoleum foors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next twenty years
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International Rules for Men
1 Two men should never share an umbrella. It is only acceptable for a man to cry (a) during a film when a heroic dog dies to save its master (b) if a woman uses her teeth when giving him a blow job.
3 Any man who takes a camera with him on a stag night may be killed and eaten by his friends.
4 If you have known your mate for more than twenty-four hours his sister is off limits unless you actually marry her.
5 Never complain about the brand of free beer in your mate’s fridge. You may, however, complain if the temperature is unsuitable.
6 Never buy a birthday present for another man. If you even remember your mate’s birthday, you must celebrate at a strip joint of the birthday boy’s choice.
7 In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8 While watching a sporting event on TV in a bar, you may ask the score of the game in progress but never ask who is playing.
9 You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she is officially your girlfriend.
10 The only time it is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic cocktail is when you are sunning yourself on a tropical beach, and only then if it is (a) delivered by a fit waitress and (b) free.
11 It is only ever permissible to kick another guy in the bollocks if you are in a life-threatening situation.
12 A man in the company of a hot, scantily dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
13 Never wear Speedos. It is also your duty to remind your friends that they should not wear Speedos.
14 Never fight naked.
15 If a man’s fly is open, never draw attention to it.
16 Women who claim that they enjoy watching sport should be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but never both at the same time. That would be greedy.
18 If you compliment a man on his six-pack, you had better be talking about his choice of beer.
19 Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she is withholding sex pending your response.
20 Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are both urinating. For all other situations, an imperceptible nod of acknowledgment is all the conversation you need.
21 Never allow a phone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
22 The morning after you and a female who was previously “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you are feeling guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23 Never buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
24 The female who answers the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you would know what I want!” gets an Xbox 360.
25 There is no excuse for men to watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics, ever.
26 It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates.
27 There are only two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with male friends in the room. One is when you are watching porn, the other is when you are “spit roasting” a woman.