The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (150 page)

Having legs.

What is grey, full of orange stickers and has one cunt in a yellow jacket?

The car park at the Paralympics.

What does a Paralympian fear the most?

Testing positive for WD-40.

It was the 100 metres freestyle swimming final at the Paralympics. In the first lane was an Australian who didn’t have any arms. In the second lane was a Brazilian without any legs. In the third lane was the current world record holder – an Englishiman without any arms, legs or torso. He was just a head. They line up, the siren blows and – splash – they’re all in the pool.

The armless Australian takes an early lead but the legless Brazilian closes on him fast. The English head meanwhile sank straight to the bottom.

In a very tight finish the Brazilian wins. As he is celebrating victory he looks down the pool and can see bubbles surfacing from the other end. He realizes that the English contestant is still at the bottom of the pool, so he reacts quickly and dives down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places him at the side of the pool. The head is coughing and spluttering. Eventually he breathes, and curses: “Bollocks. I got cramp in my ears.”

I can’t see why some people kick up such a fuss about how some sportsmen and women don’t sing the national anthem. I was watching the Paralympics and some of the gold medallists couldn’t even be arsed to stand up for it.

Did you hear about the lost-property office at the Paralympics stadium?

They collected so many lost limbs that they were able to build another 143 athletes.

A woman throws a themed fancy dress party, where each guest is required to show up dressed as an emotion. The first of her guests knocks at the door, dressed from head to foot in green.

“Let me guess . . . Envy!” she says, and lets him in.

Then a lady arrives dressed from head to foot in red. She says, “Anger!” and lets her in.

Then a black man walks up to the front door, completely naked except that he is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it.

“Wait a minute,” the host says to him. “This is supposed to be an emotion party!”

The guest replies, “I know, and I’m fucking dis custard.”

I went to an 1980s-themed party the other night. It started off great but by the end we’d all caught AIDS and lost our jobs.

I went to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. A really ft-looking woman at the door said to me, “This is a fancy dress party, you know. What are you supposed to be?”

“A premature ejaculation,” I replied.

“What do you mean?” replied the woman.

“Well, I’ve just come in my pants.”

My girlfriend was invited on a hen party recently. The invitation said “Dress to kill”, so she went as Myra Hindley.

I was at a party last night, much the worse for drink, and I walked up to this bird and said, “Duck my sick!”

She replied, “You are drunk, don’t you mean suck my dick?”

I said, “No!” then threw up all over her.

A man goes to a fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. “So what the fuck are you supposed to be?” the host asks.