The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (879 page)

A churchyard

Enter two Clowns, with spades, & c

First Clown

Are they going to give her a Christian burial to try and save her after she did the unforgivable.

Is she to be buried in Christian burial thatwilfully seeks her own salvation?

Second Clown

I’m telling you they are; therefore, maker her grave straight. The coroner has said it was an accident.

I tell thee she is: and therefore make her gravestraight: the crowner hath sat on her, and finds itChristian burial.

First Clown

How can that be? Did she drown herself in self-defense?

How can that be, unless she drowned herself in herown defence?

Second Clown

I guess so.

Why, 'tis found so.

First Clown

I think she knew what she was doing. She acted on her own wits.

It must be 'se offendendo;' it cannot be else. Forhere lies the point: if I drown myself wittingly,it argues an act: and an act hath three branches: itis, to act, to do, to perform: argal, she drownedherself wittingly.

Second Clown

No, listen to me, gravedigger.

Nay, but hear you, goodman delver,--

First Clown

Just let me finish. Here is the water, right? Here is the man. If the man goes into the water and drowns himself it is his will. If the water comes to him, then it is an accident. If you don’t mean to kill yourself, then you can receive salvation.

Give me leave. Here lies the water; good: herestands the man; good; if the man go to this water,and drown himself, it is, will he, nill he, hegoes,--mark you that; but if the water come to himand drown him, he drowns not himself: argal, hethat is not guilty of his own death shortens not his own life.

Second Clown

Is that the law?

But is this law?

First Clown

Yes, it is the law of the coroner.

Ay, marry, is't; crowner's quest law.

Second Clown

I think if she hadn’t been wealthy, she would not have received a Christian burial.

Will you ha' the truth on't? If this had not beena gentlewoman, she should have been buried out o'Christian burial.

First Clown

Isn’t that a shame. Great people are poor, like gardeners, ditch-diggers, and gravediggers. Yet, they have the same profession as Adam.

Why, there thou say'st: and the more pity thatgreat folk should have countenance in this world todrown or hang themselves, more than their evenChristian. Come, my spade. There is no ancientgentleman but gardeners, ditchers, and grave-makers:they hold up Adam's profession.

Second Clown

Was he a great man.

Was he a gentleman?

First Clown

He was the first man with arms.

He was the first that ever bore arms.

Second Clown

Didn’t he have any?

Why, he had none.

First Clown

Are you a heathen. Don’t you read the scripture? It says, “Adam dug.” He could not do this without arms. Let me ask you something.

What, art a heathen? How dost thou understand theScripture? The Scripture says 'Adam digged:'could he dig without arms? I'll put anotherquestion to thee: if thou answerest me not to thepurpose, confess thyself--

Second Clown

Go ahead.

Go to.

First Clown

Who can build stronger than a mason, a ship builder, or a carpenter?

What is he that builds stronger than either themason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?

Second Clown

The man who builds gallows. His work outlives many who use it.

The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives athousand tenants.

First Clown

That’s rather smart. You think the gallows are stronger than the church.

I like thy wit well, in good faith: the gallowsdoes well; but how does it well? it does well tothose that do in: now thou dost ill to say thegallows is built stronger than the church: argal,the gallows may do well to thee. To't again, come.

Second Clown

Who builds stronger than a mason, a ship builder, or a carpenter.

'Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, ora carpenter?'

First Clown

Yes. Tell me what you think.

Ay, tell me that, and unyoke.

Second Clown

I’ve got it.

Marry, now I can tell.

First Clown

Go ahead.

To't.

Second Clown

I swear. I can’t think.

Mass, I cannot tell.

Enter HAMLET and HORATIO, at a distance

First Clown

Don’t overthink it. You are dumb to get it. The gravedigger is the greatest builder, because what he builds lasts until the end of time. Now, go and get me some liquor.

Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dullass will not mend his pace with beating; and, whenyou are asked this question next, say 'agrave-maker: 'the houses that he makes last tilldoomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan: fetch me astoup of liquor.

Exit Second Clown

He digs and sings

When I was younger, I did love, did love. I thought it was very sweet. To set the day and time for us to meet.

In youth, when I did love, did love,Methought it was very sweet,To contract, O, the time, for, ah, my behove,O, methought, there was nothing meet.

HAMLET

Does this guy have no respect for the dead; he is singing while digging a grave.

Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that hesings at grave-making?

HORATIO

He is just numb to his work after doing it for so long.

Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.

HAMLET

I agree. He has so much to do, he can’t afford to be sensitive.

'Tis e'en so: the hand of little employment haththe daintier sense.

First Clown

[Sings]
Old age has snuck up on me, and got me in his clutches. He slipped into the land, as if I never existed.

But age, with his stealing steps,Hath claw'd me in his clutch,And hath shipped me intil the land,As if I had never been such.

Throws up a skull

HAMLET

That skull once had a tongue in it and could sing. Now that fool tosses it to the ground as if it belonged to a murderer! It might have belonged to a silver-tongued politician, and now this guy is overthrowing him. Right?

That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once:how the knave jowls it to the ground, as if it wereCain's jaw-bone, that did the first murder! Itmight be the pate of a politician, which this assnow o'er-reaches; one that would circumvent God,might it not?

HORATIO

It might have been.

It might, my lord.

HAMLET

Or it could have been a courtier who said, “Good morning, sweet lord! How are you?” Couldn’t it?

Or of a courtier; which could say 'Good morrow,sweet lord! How dost thou, good lord?' This mightbe my lord such-a-one, that praised my lordsuch-a-one's horse, when he meant to beg it; might it not?

HORATIO

Yes, my lord.

Ay, my lord.

HAMLET

Even if that’s true, it now belongs to Lady Worm. He has been knocked around with a shovel. It is worthless now. It makes me ache to think about it.

Why, e'en so: and now my Lady Worm's; chapless, andknocked about the mazzard with a sexton's spade:here's fine revolution, an we had the trick tosee't. Did these bones cost no more the breeding,but to play at loggats with 'em? mine ache to think on't.

First Clown

[Sings]
A pick-ax and a shovel for a dead man’s burial clothes with a bed of clay.

A pick-axe, and a spade, a spade,For and a shrouding sheet:O, a pit of clay for to be madeFor such a guest is meet.

Throws up another skull

HAMLET

There goes another one. Maybe that one is a lawyer. Where are his tricks and fees, now? Why does he let this guy treat him like this? Or, it could be a great land owner with his lumps of money and renter’s fees. Is this the fine for him, having his skull filled with dirt? The only thing he has to his name is his coffin.

There's another: why may not that be the skull of alawyer? Where be his quiddities now, his quillets,his cases, his tenures, and his tricks? why does hesuffer this rude knave now to knock him about thesconce with a dirty shovel, and will not tell him ofhis action of battery? Hum! This fellow might bein's time a great buyer of land, with his statutes,his recognizances, his fines, his double vouchers,his recoveries: is this the fine of his fines, andthe recovery of his recoveries, to have his finepate full of fine dirt? will his vouchers vouch himno more of his purchases, and double ones too, thanthe length and breadth of a pair of indentures? Thevery conveyances of his lands will hardly lie inthis box; and must the inheritor himself have no more, ha?

HORATIO

Not much more, my lord.

Not a jot more, my lord.

HAMLET

Isn’t paper made of sheepskins?

Is not parchment made of sheepskins?

HORATIO

Yes, my lord, and calf-skins, too.

Ay, my lord, and of calf-skins too.

HAMLET

Only sheep and calves have assurance of their purpose after death. I am going to speak to this guy. Whose grave is this, sir?

They are sheep and calves which seek out assurancein that. I will speak to this fellow. Whosegrave's this, sirrah?

First Clown

Mine, sir.

Mine, sir.

Sings

Oh, a pit of clay to be made for the dead to meet.

O, a pit of clay for to be madeFor such a guest is meet.

HAMLET

You’ll think it’s yours when you’re lying in it.

I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.

First Clown

You may lay in it, sir, but it would not be yours; however, I don’t lay in it and it is mine.

You lie out on't, sir, and therefore it is notyours: for my part, I do not lie in't, and yet it is mine.

HAMLET

One must lay in it for it to be theirs. It is for the dead, not the living, you liar.

'Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it is thine:'tis for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.

First Clown

It’s just a little lie, sir.

'Tis a quick lie, sir; 'twill away gain, from me toyou.

HAMLET

What man do you dig it for?

What man dost thou dig it for?

First Clown

It is not for a man.

For no man, sir.

HAMLET

What women, then?

What woman, then?

First Clown

None.

For none, neither.

HAMLET

Who is to be buried in it?

Who is to be buried in't?