The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (881 page)

Oh my son, what are fighting for?

O my son, what theme?

HAMLET

I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not have loved her more. What are you going to do for her?

I loved Ophelia: forty thousand brothersCould not, with all their quantity of love,Make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her?

KING CLAUDIUS

Oh, he is crazy, Laertes.

O, he is mad, Laertes.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

For the love of God don’t listen to him.

For love of God, forbear him.

HAMLET

Show me what you are going to do. Will you cry? Will you fight? Will you fast? Will you tear at your skin? Will you drink bile? Eat a crocodile? I’ll do all of that. Did you come here to cry and whine? To outdo me by jumping in her grave. To be buried with her? So, will I. You want them to over us with dirt. Let them make mountains over us. See, I can talk as well as you.

'Swounds, show me what thou'lt do:Woo't weep? woo't fight? woo't fast? woo't tear thyself?Woo't drink up eisel? eat a crocodile?I'll do't. Dost thou come here to whine?To outface me with leaping in her grave?Be buried quick with her, and so will I:And, if thou prate of mountains, let them throwMillions of acres on us, till our ground,Singeing his pate against the burning zone,Make Ossa like a wart! Nay, an thou'lt mouth,I'll rant as well as thou.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

This is crazy. He will be like this for a while. It will pass and he will be as peaceful as a dove.

This is mere madness:And thus awhile the fit will work on him;Anon, as patient as the female dove,When that her golden couplets are disclosed,His silence will sit drooping.

HAMLET

Listen to me, sir. Why are you acting towards me like this? I’ve always loved you. But, it doesn’t matter. Even Hercules can’t make change the way a cat or dog acts.

Hear you, sir;What is the reason that you use me thus?I loved you ever: but it is no matter;Let Hercules himself do what he may,The cat will mew and dog will have his day.

Exit

KING CLAUDIUS

Please, Horatio, get him out of here.

I pray you, good Horatio, wait upon him.

Exit HORATIO

To LAERTES

Remember what we talked about last night and be patient. We’ll put this matter to rest soon. Gertrude, get someone to watch over your son. We will build a monument to put on this grave. Now, we have the quiet we need, so please proceed.

Strengthen your patience in our last night's speech;We'll put the matter to the present push.Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son.This grave shall have a living monument:An hour of quiet shortly shall we see;Till then, in patience our proceeding be.

Exeunt

A hall in the castle

Enter HAMLET and HORATIO

HAMLET

That’s enough about that, sir. Let me tell you about what happened. You remember what was going on you.

So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other;You do remember all the circumstance?

HORATIO

Remember, my lord?

Remember it, my lord?

HAMLET

Sir, I was in constant turmoil, and I couldn’t sleep. It was worse than being a prisoner. I acted crazily and hastily, but my plans were stalled. God’s will always prevails, no matter how far we stray.

Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting,That would not let me sleep: methought I layWorse than the mutines in the bilboes. Rashly,And praised be rashness for it, let us know,Our indiscretion sometimes serves us well,When our deep plots do pall: and that should teach usThere's a divinity that shapes our ends,Rough-hew them how we will,--

HORATIO

That’s for sure.

That is most certain.

HAMLET

When I was out to sea, I came up from my cabin and looked around in the dark. I found papers, which I took back to my own room, and discovered the King had ordered my death.

Up from my cabin,My sea-gown scarf'd about me, in the darkGroped I to find out them; had my desire.Finger'd their packet, and in fine withdrewTo mine own room again; making so bold,My fears forgetting manners, to unsealTheir grand commission; where I found, Horatio,--O royal knavery!--an exact command,Larded with many several sorts of reasonsImporting Denmark's health and England's too,With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life,That, on the supervise, no leisure bated,No, not to stay the grinding of the axe,My head should be struck off.

HORATIO

Are you serious?

Is't possible?

HAMLET

Here’s the letter. Read it for yourself. But, let me tell you the rest.

Here's the commission: read it at more leisure.But wilt thou hear me how I did proceed?

HORATIO

Please.

I beseech you.

HAMLET

There I was trapped. So, I wrote a new commission. My education came in handy for I wrote like a diplomat. Do you want to know what I wrote?

Being thus be-netted round with villanies,--Ere I could make a prologue to my brains,They had begun the play--I sat me down,Devised a new commission, wrote it fair:I once did hold it, as our statists do,A baseness to write fair and labour'd muchHow to forget that learning, but, sir, nowIt did me yeoman's service: wilt thou knowThe effect of what I wrote?

HORATIO

Yes, of course, my lord.

Ay, good my lord.

HAMLET

I wrote an earnest plea from the King, with a lot of crap about the relationship between England and Denmark. I asked that the men delivering the letter be put to death without confession to a priest.

An earnest conjuration from the king,As England was his faithful tributary,As love between them like the palm might flourish,As peace should stiff her wheaten garland wearAnd stand a comma 'tween their amities,And many such-like 'As'es of great charge,That, on the view and knowing of these contents,Without debatement further, more or less,He should the bearers put to sudden death,Not shriving-time allow'd.

HORATIO

How did you seal the letter?

How was this seal'd?

HAMLET

Even God’s hand was in that as well. I had my father’s signet ring with me, so I used it to seal the letter. Then, I exchanged the letters. The next day our ship was attacked, and you know the rest.

Why, even in that was heaven ordinant.I had my father's signet in my purse,Which was the model of that Danish seal;Folded the writ up in form of the other,Subscribed it, gave't the impression, placed it safely,The changeling never known. Now, the next dayWas our sea-fight; and what to this was sequentThou know'st already.

HORATIO

So Guildenstern and Rosencrantz are in big trouble.

So Guildenstern and Rosencrantz go to't.

HAMLET

Yes, they are and it’s their own fault. They were just commoners caught in a fight between two powerful men.

Why, man, they did make love to this employment;
They are not near my conscience; their defeat
Does by their own insinuation grow:
'Tis dangerous when the baser nature comes
Between the pass and fell incensed points
Of mighty opposites.

HORATIO

What a king Claudius is!

Why, what a king is this!

HAMLET

Don’t you think it is time for me to kill the king, who killed my father and made my mother a whore? Isn’t it time to put an end to him with my sword, and without damage to my conscience. And, wouldn’t I be at fault if I let this devil continue to bring evil to our country?

Does it not, think'st thee, stand me now upon--
He that hath kill'd my king and whored my mother,
Popp'd in between the election and my hopes,
Thrown out his angle for my proper life,
And with such cozenage--is't not perfect conscience,
To quit him with this arm? and is't not to be damn'd,
To let this canker of our nature come
In further evil?

HORATIO

He’s going to find out soon what happened in England.

It must be shortly known to him from England
What is the issue of the business there.

HAMLET

It will be soon, but I have some time. I am very sorry, Horatio, for what I did to Laertes. I lost control when I saw his overplayed grief. His situation is very much like mine, and I am going to be nice to him.

It will be short: the interim is mine;
And a man's life's no more than to say 'One.'
But I am very sorry, good Horatio,
That to Laertes I forgot myself;
For, by the image of my cause, I see
The portraiture of his: I'll court his favours.
But, sure, the bravery of his grief did put me
Into a towering passion.

HORATIO

Wait! Who’s there?

Peace! who comes here?

Enter OSRIC

OSRIC

Welcome back to Denmark, my lord.

Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark.

HAMLET

Thank you, sir. Do you know this fellow?

I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?

HORATIO

No, my lord.

No, my good lord.

HAMLET

You’re lucky. He’s a great land owner, but he is a beast. He is treated well because he is wealthy.

Thy state is the more gracious; for 'tis a vice to
know him. He hath much land, and fertile: let a
beast be lord of beasts, and his crib shall stand at
the king's mess: 'tis a chough; but, as I say,
spacious in the possession of dirt.

OSRIC

My lord, if you have a minute, I have a message from the king.

Sweet lord, if your lordship were at leisure, I
should impart a thing to you from his majesty.

HAMLET

Go ahead, sir. I will listen in rapture, but put your hat back on.

I will receive it, sir, with all diligence of
spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use; 'tis for the head.

OSRIC

Thank you, lord, it is very hot.

I thank your lordship, it is very hot.

HAMLET

No, believe me, it’s very cold. The wind is blowing from the north.

No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind is
northerly.

OSRIC

Yes, I think it is cold.

It is indifferent cold, my lord, indeed.

HAMLET

Yet, I think the air is hot and humid, which is bad for my skin.

But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my
complexion.

OSRIC

Right, my lord, it is humid. But, my lord, the king wants you to know he has placed a large wager on you. This is the deal…

Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--as
'twere,--I cannot tell how. But, my lord, his
majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid a
great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,--