The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (736 page)

I'll bet he's a great man; I can tell by the way

he picks his teeth.

AUTOLYCUS

The fardel there? what's i' the fardel?

Wherefore that box?

The bundle there? What's in the bundle?

Why'd you have that box?

Shepherd

Sir, there lies such secrets in this fardel and box,

which none must know but the king; and which he

shall know within this hour, if I may come to the

speech of him.

Sir, there are such secrets in this bundle and box,

that only the king can know; and which he

shall know of within the hour, if I can get within

speaking distance of him.

AUTOLYCUS

Age, thou hast lost thy labour.

Old man, you've missed your chance.

Shepherd

Why, sir?

Why, sir?

AUTOLYCUS

The king is not at the palace; he is gone aboard a

new ship to purge melancholy and air himself: for,

if thou beest capable of things serious, thou must

know the king is full of grief.

The king is not at the palace; he has gone on board

a new ship to shake off depression and get some air: for,

if you pay attention to important matters, you must

know the king is full of sadness.

Shepard

So 'tis said, sir; about his son, that should have

married a shepherd's daughter.

That's what I've heard, sir; I've heard about his son,

who was going to marry a shepherd's daughter.

AUTOLYCUS

If that shepherd be not in hand-fast, let him fly:

the curses he shall have, the tortures he shall

feel, will break the back of man, the heart of monster.

If that shepherd isn't under arrest yet, he should run:

the curses he will get, the tortures he will

feel, will break the back of a man, the heart of a monster.

Clown

Think you so, sir?

Do you think so, sir?

AUTOLYCUS

Not he alone shall suffer what wit can make heavy

and vengeance bitter; but those that are germane to

him, though removed fifty times, shall all come

under the hangman: which though it be great pity,

yet it is necessary. An old sheep-whistling rogue, a

ram-tender, to offer to have his daughter come into

grace! Some say he shall be stoned; but that death

is too soft for him, say I; draw our throne into a

sheep-cote! all deaths are too few, the sharpest too easy.

Not only he will suffer whatever punishment they

can come up with; those who are close to him,

even if hardly related, will all be given

to the hangman: it will be a great shame,

but it has to be done. An old sheep keeping scoundrel, a

ram tender, offering to make his daughter a royal!

Some say he will be stoned; but that death

is too soft for him I say; dragging our throne into a

sheep pen! There is not enough death or pain to punish him.

Clown

Has the old man e'er a son, sir, do you hear. an't

like you, sir?

Has the old man got a son, sir, have you heard,

if it pleases you, sir?

AUTOLYCUS

He has a son, who shall be flayed alive; then

'nointed over with honey, set on the head of a

wasp's nest; then stand till he be three quarters

and a dram dead; then recovered again with

aqua-vitae or some other hot infusion; then, raw as

he is, and in the hottest day prognostication

proclaims, shall be be set against a brick-wall, the

sun looking with a southward eye upon him, where he

is to behold him with flies blown to death. But what

talk we of these traitorly rascals, whose miseries

are to be smiled at, their offences being so

capital? Tell me, for you seem to be honest plain

men, what you have to the king: being something

gently considered, I'll bring you where he is

aboard, tender your persons to his presence,

whisper him in your behalfs; and if it be in man

besides the king to effect your suits, here is man

shall do it.

He has a son, who will be skinned alive; then

spread all over with honey and put on top of a

wasps' nest; they'll leave him there until he's three quarters

and a bit dead; then they'll revive him with

whiskey or some other hot drink; then, skinned as

he is, and on the hottest day the forecast

predicts, he shall be put up against a brick wall,

south facing with the sun beating down on him,

and there he will be eaten to death by maggots.

But why are we talking about these traitorous rascals,

whose miseries should be smiled at,

as they have committed such terrible offences? Tell me (for you

seem to be honest simple men) what's your business

with the king: if it seems reasonable, I'll bring

you on board his ship, hand you over to him,

speak to him on your behalf; and if it's possible

for any man, apart from the king,

to get you what you want, I am the man to do it.

Clown

He seems to be of great authority: close with him,

give him gold; and though authority be a stubborn

bear, yet he is oft led by the nose with gold: show

the inside of your purse to the outside of his hand,

and no more ado. Remember 'stoned,' and 'flayed alive.'

He seems to be very powerful: make a deal with him,

give him gold; although power can be a stubborn

beast, it can often be tamed with gold: put

what's inside your purse on the outside of his hand,

and do it quickly. Remember ‘stoned,’ and ‘skinned alive.’

Shepherd

An't please you, sir, to undertake the business for

us, here is that gold I have: I'll make it as much

more and leave this young man in pawn till I bring it you.

If you'd be kind enough, sir, to undertake this business for

us, here's the gold I have: I'll give you the same again

and leave you this young man as a pledge until I bring it for you.

AUTOLYCUS

After I have done what I promised?

After I have done what I promise?

Shepherd

Ay, sir.

Yes, sir.

AUTOLYCUS

Well, give me the moiety. Are you a party in this business?

Well, give me my down payment. Are you involved in this business?

Clown

In some sort, sir: but though my case be a pitiful

one, I hope I shall not be flayed out of it.

In a way, sir: but although my skin may be

worthless, I hope it won't be stripped off me.

AUTOLYCUS

O, that's the case of the shepherd's son: hang him,

he'll be made an example.

Oh, that's what's going to happen with the shepherd's son: hang him,

they'll make an example of him.

Clown

Comfort, good comfort! We must to the king and show

our strange sights: he must know 'tis none of your

daughter nor my sister; we are gone else. Sir, I

will give you as much as this old man does when the

business is performed, and remain, as he says, your

pawn till it be brought you.

God help us! We must go to the king and show

him these strange things: he must know that she is not your

daughter nor my sister; otherwise we're done for. So, I'll

give you the same as this old man has when the

business has been done, and I'll stay, as he says, as

his pledge until it's brought to you.

AUTOLYCUS

I will trust you. Walk before toward the sea-side;

go on the right hand: I will but look upon the

hedge and follow you.

I will trust you. Walk ahead down to the seashore;

go on the right-hand side: I'll just pop behind this hedge

for a moment then I'll follow you.

Clown

We are blest in this man, as I may say, even blest.

We are lucky to have this man, I'm telling you, very lucky.

Shepherd

Let's before as he bids us: he was provided to do us good.

Exeunt Shepherd and Clown

Let's go ahead as he has told us: he was sent to help us.

AUTOLYCUS

If I had a mind to be honest, I see Fortune would

not suffer me: she drops booties in my mouth. I am

courted now with a double occasion, gold and a means

to do the prince my master good; which who knows how

that may turn back to my advancement? I will bring

these two moles, these blind ones, aboard him: if he

think it fit to shore them again and that the

complaint they have to the king concerns him

nothing, let him call me rogue for being so far

officious; for I am proof against that title and

what shame else belongs to't. To him will I present

them: there may be matter in it.

Exit

If I actually felt like being honest, I see fate

wouldn't let me: she drops loot straight into my lap. I am

now given two opportunities, gold and a way

to do the prince my master good; who knows how

I can turn this round to my advantage? I will bring

these two moles, these blind ones, to him on board: if he

thinks the thing to do is to put them back on shore and that the

complaint they have against the king is none of his business,

let him call me a scoundrel for being so officious;

I don't care if anyone calls me that or

any other shame which goes with it. I will present them

to him: there might be something in it for me.