The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (639 page)

rascally sheep-biter come to some noteworthy shame?

FABIAN

I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'

I would rejoice, man: you know, he got me in trouble

favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Here comes the little villain.

Here comes the [insult].

Enter MARIA

How now, my metal of India!

What's going on now, my jewel?

MARIA

Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's

All three of you, hide: Malvolio's

coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the

coming down this walk: he has been over in the

sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half

sun prancing around at his own shadow this past half

hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I

hour: watch him, for the love of mockery; for I

know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of



him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,

him. Hide, for the sake of the joke! Lie down over there,

Throws down a letter

for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.

[Ed note: It is actually possible to catch a trout by tickling, but very difficult.]

Exit

Enter MALVOLIO

MALVOLIO

'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told

It is only luck; everything is luck. Maria once told  

me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come

me she did have a fondness for me, and I have heard herself come

thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one

this close, that, if she did fall in love, it would be someone

of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more

who looked like me. Besides, she treats me with more

exalted respect than any one else that follows her.

high respect than anyone else that follows her.

What should I think on't?

What should I think of it?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Here's an overweening rogue!

Here's a preening jerk!

FABIAN

O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock

Oh, yes! He's such a peacock when he thinks,

of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!

look how he dances under his spreading feathers!

SIR ANDREW

'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!

I swear I could beat him in a fight!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Peace, I say.

Quiet, I say.

MALVOLIO

To be Count Malvolio!

Oh if I were Count Malviolio!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ah, rogue!

[Insult]

SIR ANDREW

Pistol him, pistol him.

Shoot him, shoot him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Peace, peace!

Quiet, quiet!

MALVOLIO

There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy

It's happened before; the lady of the Strachy

married the yeoman of the wardrobe.

married one of her servants.

SIR ANDREW

Fie on him, Jezebel!

[
More insults and cursing.]

FABIAN

O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how

Oh, enough! Look how he's deeply in: look how

imagination blows him.

imagination carries him away.

MALVOLIO

Having been three months married to her, sitting in

Having been married to her for three months, sitting in

my state,--

my splendor,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

Oh, I wish I had a slingshot, to hit him in the eye!

[Etc.]

MALVOLIO

Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet

Calling my offers around me, in my velvet

gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left

robes; having come from a bed where I have left

Olivia sleeping,--

Olivia asleep,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

Fire and brimstone!

[More cursing]

FABIAN

O, peace, peace!

Oh quiet, quiet!

MALVOLIO

And then to have the humour of state; and after a

And then to be the one in charge; and after a

demure travel of regard, telling them I know my

bunch of them honoring them, telling them I know my

place as I would they should do theirs, to for my

place as I want them to know theirs, so for my

kinsman Toby,--

relative Toby,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

Bolts and shackles!

[More cursing]

FABIAN

O peace, peace, peace! now, now.

Oh quiet, quiet, quiet! Now, now.

MALVOLIO

Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make

Seven of my people, obediently, make

out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind

their way to him: I frown all the time; and maybe

up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby

play with some expensive jewel of mine. Toby

approaches; courtesies there to me,--

comes near; bows to me,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

Shall this fellow live?

Should we kill him?

FABIAN

Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.

No matter what, quiet.

MALVOLIO

I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar

I reach my hand out to him like this, keeping down my familiar

smile with an austere regard of control,--

smile with my dignified control, --

Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on

Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fate having brought me to your

your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--

niece giving me this reason to speak,' --

SIR TOBY BELCH

What, what?

What now?

MALVOLIO

'You must amend your drunkenness.'

'You must control your drunkenness.'

SIR TOBY BELCH

Out, scab!

[More insults.]

FABIAN

Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.

No, patience, or else we will ruin our plot.

MALVOLIO

'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with

'Besides, you waste your valuable time with

a foolish knight,'--

a silly knight,'--

SIR ANDREW

That's me, I warrant you.

That's me, I bet.

MALVOLIO

'One Sir Andrew,'--

'That Sir Andrew,'--

SIR ANDREW

I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.

I knew it was me; because many call me a fool.

MALVOLIO

What employment have we here?

What do we have here?

Taking up the letter

FABIAN

Now is the woodcock near the gin.

Now the bird is near the trap.

SIR TOBY BELCH

O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading

Oh, quiet! And I hope he reads

aloud to him!

aloud!

MALVOLIO

By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her

By my life, this is my lady's handwriting; these are her

very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her

own C's, her U's and her T's and that's how she makes her

great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.

large P's. It is, without a doubt, her handwriting.

SIR ANDREW

Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?

Her C's, her U's, and her T's, what is that for?

MALVOLIO

[Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good

'To the one who does not know I love them, this, and my good

wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.

wishes:' -- her own ways of writing! By your permission, wax.



Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she

Soft! And the mark of her ring, with which she



uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?

It even uses her wax seal! It must be her. To whom is it written?

FABIAN

This wins him, liver and all.

He's fallen for it.

MALVOLIO

[Reads]


Jove knows I love: But who?

God knows I love. But who?

Lips, do not move;

I must stay silent;

No man must know.

No man can know.

'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers

'No man can know.' What comes after? The numbers

altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be

changed! 'No man must no:' if this turns out to be

thee, Malvolio?

you, Malvolio?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Marry, hang thee, brock!

[
More curses and insults.]

MALVOLIO

[Reads]


I may command where I adore;

I may give orders where I love;

But silence, like a Lucrece knife,

But silence, like a sharp dagger,

With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:

Bloodlessly stabs at my heart:

M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.

M, O, A, I rules my life.

FABIAN

A fustian riddle!

What a great trick!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Excellent wench, say I.

A great woman, I say.

MALVOLIO

M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and

M,O,A,I; this coded message is not just like earlier,

yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for

yet, it seems to be me, because

every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!

each one of these letters are in my name. Quiet!

here follows prose.

there is some prose now.

Reads

Reads aloud.

'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I

'If this falls into your hands, change. In my birth I

am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some

am above you; but do not be afraid of greatness: some

are born great, some achieve greatness, and some

are born great, some reach greatness, and some

have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open

have greatness pushed upon them. Your fate opens