The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (318 page)

between the church and this great offender.

KING HENRY VIII

You were ever good at sudden commendations,

Bishop of Winchester. But know, I come not

To hear such flattery now, and in my presence;

They are too thin and bare to hide offences.

To me you cannot reach, you play the spaniel,

And think with wagging of your tongue to win me;

But, whatsoe'er thou takest me for, I'm sure

Thou hast a cruel nature and a bloody.

You were always good at off-the-cuff compliments,

Bishop of Winchester. But you should know, I have not come

here to hear such flattery to my face;

it's too threadbare to hide your offences.

You act towards me like a spaniel, to me who is so much higher than you,

and think that you can win me over with your words;

but, whoever you think I am, I'm certain

that your nature is cruel and bloody.

To CRANMER

Good man, sit down. Now let me see the proudest

He, that dares most, but wag his finger at thee:

By all that's holy, he had better starve

Than but once think this place becomes thee not.

Good man, sit down. Now let me see the most arrogant man,

the most daring, just point his finger at you:

by all that is holy, he would be better off starving

than to even think you don't deserve your place here.

SURREY

May it please your grace,--

If your Grace pleases–

KING HENRY VIII

No, sir, it does not please me.

I had thought I had had men of some understanding

And wisdom of my council; but I find none.

Was it discretion, lords, to let this man,

This good man,--few of you deserve that title,--

This honest man, wait like a lousy footboy

At chamber--door? and one as great as you are?

Why, what a shame was this! Did my commission

Bid ye so far forget yourselves? I gave ye

Power as he was a counsellor to try him,

Not as a groom: there's some of ye, I see,

More out of malice than integrity,

Would try him to the utmost, had ye mean;

Which ye shall never have while I live.

No, sir, I am not pleased.

I thought I had men of some knowledge

and wisdom on my counsel; I find I have none.

Was it polite, lords, to let this man,

this good man–few of you deserve to be called that–

this honest man, wait like a lousy footman

at the door of the room? Someone as great as you are?

Why, how shameful this was! Did my orders

tell you to behave so shamefully? I gave you

permission to try him as a counsellor,

not like a groom: there are some of you, I see,

who would hound him to death, more out of

malice and integrity, if you had the power;

which you shall never have whilst I'm alive.

Chancellor

Thus far,

My most dread sovereign, may it like your grace

To let my tongue excuse all. What was purposed

Concerning his imprisonment, was rather,

If there be faith in men, meant for his trial,

And fair purgation to the world, than malice,

I'm sure, in me.

In this matter,

my great Majesty, please allow

me to speak for everyone. The intention

of imprisoning him was to make sure,

if there are still good men, for him to have a fair trial,

and show his innocence to the world, it wasn't

done out of any malice, speaking for myself.

KING HENRY VIII

Well, well, my lords, respect him;

Take him, and use him well, he's worthy of it.

I will say thus much for him, if a prince

May be beholding to a subject, I

Am, for his love and service, so to him.

Make me no more ado, but all embrace him:

Be friends, for shame, my lords! My Lord of

Canterbury,

I have a suit which you must not deny me;

That is, a fair young maid that yet wants baptism,

You must be godfather, and answer for her.

Well, well, my lords, show him respect;

take him, and treat him well, he deserves it.

I will say this for him, if a Prince

can be in debt to a subject, I

am to him, for his love and service.

Let's have no more fuss, everyone embrace him:

be friends, for shame, my lords! My Lord of Canterbury,

I have some business which you must do for me;

that is, there is a sweet young girl who needs baptising;

you must be her godfather, and answer for her.

CRANMER

The greatest monarch now alive may glory

In such an honour: how may I deserve it

That am a poor and humble subject to you?

The greatest monarch now living would find this

a glorious honour: how can I deserve it

when I am just a poor humble subject of yours?

KING HENRY VIII

Come, come, my lord, you'ld spare your spoons: you

shall have two noble partners with you; the old

Duchess of Norfolk, and Lady Marquess Dorset: will

these please you?

Once more, my Lord of Winchester, I charge you,

Embrace and love this man.

Come, come, my Lord, do you want to avoid having to give a christening present?

You shall have two noble partners in the business; the old

Duchess of Norfolk, and Lady Marquess Dorset: will they suit you?

Once more, my Lord Winchester, I'll order you,

embrace and love this man.

GARDINER

With a true heart

And brother-love I do it.

I do it with a true heart

and brotherly love.

CRANMER

And let heaven

Witness, how dear I hold this confirmation.

And may Heaven witness

how much this action means to me.

KING HENRY VIII

Good man, those joyful tears show thy true heart:

The common voice, I see, is verified

Of thee, which says thus, 'Do my Lord of Canterbury

A shrewd turn, and he is your friend for ever.'

Come, lords, we trifle time away; I long

To have this young one made a Christian.

As I have made ye one, lords, one remain;

So I grow stronger, you more honour gain.

Good man, your joyful tears show your true heart:

I see the common opinion of you is true,

which says, ‘Do my Lord of Canterbury

a good turn, and he will be your friend forever.’

Come, Lords, we are wasting time; I long

to have this baby made a Christian.

As I have unified you, lords, remain unified;

so as I grow stronger, you will gain more honour.

Exeunt

Noise and tumult within. Enter Porter and his Man

Porter

You'll leave your noise anon, ye rascals: do you

take the court for Paris-garden? ye rude slaves,

leave your gaping.

You'll stop your noise soon, you rascals: do you

think the court is a pleasure ground? You rude slaves,

stop your shouting.

Person within

Good master porter, I belong to the larder.

Good master porter, I work in the larder.

Porter

Belong to the gallows, and be hanged, ye rogue! is

this a place to roar in? Fetch me a dozen crab-tree

staves, and strong ones: these are but switches to

'em. I'll scratch your heads: you must be seeing

christenings? do you look for ale and cakes here,

you rude rascals?

Go and work on the gallows, and be hanged, you rogue! Is

this is a place for shouting? Fetch me a dozen crabtree

sticks, strong ones: these ones are just like twigs in

comparison. I'll scratch your heads: do you have to see

a christening? Are you hoping for free cakes and ale,

you rough scoundrels?

Man

Pray, sir, be patient: 'tis as much impossible--

Unless we sweep 'em from the door with cannons--

To scatter 'em, as 'tis to make 'em sleep

On May-day morning; which will never be:

We may as well push against Powle's, as stir em.

Please, Sir, calm yourself: it's just as impossible–

unless we clear them from the door with cannon–

to disperse them, as it is to get them to sleep

on the morning of May Day; that will never happen:

we might as well try and shift St Paul's as move them.

Porter

How got they in, and be hang'd?

How did they get in, dammit?

Man

Alas, I know not; how gets the tide in?

As much as one sound cudgel of four foot--

You see the poor remainder--could distribute,

I made no spare, sir.

Alas, I don't know; how does the tide come in?

I gave out as much punishment

as a good solid four foot club could distribute;

you can see there's not much of it left, sir.

Porter

You did nothing, sir.

You did nothing, sir.

Man

I am not Samson, nor Sir Guy, nor Colbrand,

To mow 'em down before me: but if I spared any

That had a head to hit, either young or old,

He or she, cuckold or cuckold-maker,

Let me ne'er hope to see a chine again

And that I would not for a cow, God save her!

I am not Samson, nor Sir Guy, nor Colbrand,

which would let me chop them all down: but if I spared anyone

who had a head to hit, either young or old,

male or female, cheat or cheater,

may I never have another woman

never again!

Within

Do you hear, master porter?

Are you listening, master porter?

Porter

I shall be with you presently, good master puppy.

Keep the door close, sirrah.

I'll be with you shortly, my little puppy.