The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (482 page)

It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.

That's a life I've always wanted: I will do well.

PISTOL

O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?

Exit BARDOLPH

You low-down loser! So you'll work the beer pump?

NYM

He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?

He was conceived by drunkards: don't things come round amusingly?

FALSTAFF

I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his

thefts were too open; his filching was like an

unskilful singer; he kept not time.

I'm glad to be rid of this troublemaker: his

thefts were too obvious; his stealing was like

an unskilful singer; he was off the beat.

NYM

The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.

The good thief steals at a pause in the music.

PISTOL

'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico

for the phrase!

The wise call it “redistribution". “Stealing!" Pah!

Damn the phrase.

FALSTAFF

Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

Well, gentlemen, I am very down at heel.

PISTOL

Why, then, let kibes ensue.

Well then, you'll get chilblains.

FALSTAFF

There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.

There is no cure for it; I must catch rabbits; I must make do.

PISTOL

Young ravens must have food.

The birds must be fed.

FALSTAFF

Which of you know Ford of this town?

Which of you know Ford, who lives in this town?

PISTOL

I ken the wight: he is of substance good.

I know the fellow: he's got plenty.

FALSTAFF

My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

My good lads, I'll tell you what I'm about.

PISTOL

Two yards, and more.

Two yards and more.

FALSTAFF

No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two

yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about

thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's

wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,

she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I

can construe the action of her familiar style; and

the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished

rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'

No jokes now, Pistol! It's true that I am two yards

around the waist; but I'm not talking about waste now,

I am talking about profit. In brief, I intend to sweet talk

Ford's wife. I can see a saucy spirit in her; she chats,

she simpers, she gives inviting looks: I

know what all her actions mean; and

all her behaviour cries out, in plain English,

“I am Sir John Falstaff's."

PISTOL

He hath studied her will, and translated her will,

out of honesty into English.

He's looked at her assets, and interpreted her wants,

into English out of honesty.

NYM

The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?

She is well settled: can you get past that?

FALSTAFF

Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her

husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.

Now, it's said that she has control over her

husband's finances: and he has a sackful.

PISTOL

As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.

You want to get in that sack then; go for it, I say.

NYM

The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.

Yes I like this plan, it's a good one: let's hope it turns out well.

FALSTAFF

I have writ me here a letter to her: and here

another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good

eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious

oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my

foot, sometimes my portly belly.

I've got a letter here which I've written her: and here

is another one to Page's wife, who was recently

flirting with me too, looking me over with very saucy

eyes; sometimes she casts the sunbeam of her look over

my feet, sometimes over my round belly.

PISTOL

Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

Then the sun was shining on a dung heap.

NYM

I thank thee for that humour.

Nice joke.

FALSTAFF

O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a

greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did

seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's

another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she

is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will

be cheater to them both, and they shall be

exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West

Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou

this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to

Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

Oh, she ran her gaze over my appearance with such a

greedy look, that I thought I would burn up, as if

her eye was a magnifying glass! Here's

a letter for her: she controls the finances too; she

is a promised land, full of gold and profits. I will

be a taxman to both of them, and they shall be my

taxpayers; they'll be the East and West

Indies, and I will make trade voyages to both of them.

Go and take this letter to Mistress Page; and you take this to

Mistress Ford: we will do well my lads, we will do well.

PISTOL

Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,

And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!

Do I, a soldier, have to act as a pimp?

Devil take it all!

NYM

I will run no base humour: here, take the

humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.

I don't want to lower myself to this: take

your low letter: I will keep my reputation.

FALSTAFF

[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;

Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.

Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;

Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!

Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,

French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.

Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN

Just a minute, lad, deliver those letters faithfully;

you're my ship taking me to golden shores.

You rascals, get out of here, off you go! Melt away like hailstones, go;

go on, hoof it; get packing!

Falstaff will follow the fashion of the time,

French economy, you scoundrels, just me and a page will be my whole household.

PISTOL

Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,

And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:

Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,

Base Phrygian Turk!

May vultures gnaw your guts! The loaded dice are rolling,

and the rich and poor are both tricked:

I'll have sixpence in my purse when you have nothing,

you Turkish pimp!

NYM

I have operations which be humours of revenge.

I have a plan to get him back for this.

PISTOL

Wilt thou revenge?

You want revenge?

NYM

By welkin and her star!

By the sky and stars above!

PISTOL

With wit or steel?

With cunning or force?

NYM

With both the humours, I:

I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.

With my cunning and someone else's force:

I will reveal this love to Page.

PISTOL

And I to Ford shall eke unfold

How Falstaff, varlet vile,

His dove will prove, his gold will hold,

And his soft couch defile.

And I will tell Ford

how the horrible scoundrel Falstaff

wants to get his hands on his wife and his gold,

and pollute his bed.

NYM

My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to

deal with poison; I will possess him with

yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:

that is my true humour.

I won't let this go: I will spur Page on to

be properly vicious; I will fill him with

jealousy, for mine is dangerous:

my mind is made up.

PISTOL

Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.

Exeunt

You are the god of the wars of rebels: I'll back you up; march on.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY

MISTRESS QUICKLY

What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,

and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor

Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any

body in the house, here will be an old abusing of

God's patience and the king's English.

Where are you, John Rugby! Please, go to the window,

and see if you can see my master, Doctor

Caius, coming. If he does, and finds anybody

in the house, there will be a good deal of

wicked deeds and swearing.

RUGBY

I'll go watch.

I'll keep watch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in

faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.

Exit RUGBY

An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant