The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (483 page)

shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no

tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,

that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish

that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let

that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?

Go; and later we'll have some toddy, I promise,

in front of a roaring fire.

As honest, hard-working and kind a servant

that ever came in to a house, and, I'll swear,

no tell-tale or mischief maker: his worst fault is

that he likes to pray; he's rather silly in

that way: but everybody has faults; we'll let

it go. Peter Simple, you say your name is?

SIMPLE

Ay, for fault of a better.

Yes, lacking a better one.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

And Master Slender's your master?

And Master Slender's your master?

SIMPLE

Ay, forsooth.

Yes, indeed.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Does he not wear a great round beard, like a

glover's paring-knife?

Doesn't he have a great round beard, shaped like a

leather cutter's knife?

SIMPLE

No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a

little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.

Certainly not: he's just got a small face, with a

little yellow beard, reddish yellow.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

Quite a gentle spirited man, isn't he?

SIMPLE

Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands

as any is between this and his head; he hath fought

with a warrener.

Yes, indeed: but he is as good with his hands

as any man in the neighbourhood; he has fought

with a gamekeeper.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not

hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

You don't say? Oh, I should remember him: doesn't he

sort of look down his nose, and strut as he walks?

SIMPLE

Yes, indeed, does he.

He certainly does.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell

Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your

master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--

Re-enter RUGBY

Well, I hope heaven doesn't send Anne Page anything worse!

Tell Master Parson Evans that I will do what I can for your

master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish–

RUGBY

Out, alas! here comes my master.

Alas, we're found out! Here comes my master.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;

go into this closet: he will not stay long.

Shuts SIMPLE in the closet

What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!

Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt

he be not well, that he comes not home.

Singing

And down, down, adown-a, & c.

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

We are all in the soup. Jump in here, good lad;

go into this cupboard, he won't stay long.

Hey, John Rugby! John! Hey, John, I say!

John, go and ask where your master is; I worry

that he's not well, as he has not come home.

And down, down, adown-a, etc.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,

go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,

a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.

What are you singing? I don't like these frivolities. Please,

go and get a box green from my cupboard, a box,

green–a box: do understand what I'm saying? A green box.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.

Aside

I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found

the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

Yes, certainly; I'll get it for you.

I'm glad he didn't go in himself: if he had found

the young man, he would have been mad with jealousy.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je

m'en vais a la court--la grande affaire.

Fe, fe, fe, fe! My goodness, it's hot.

I've got to go and see important business at court.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Is it this, sir?

Is this the one, sir?

DOCTOR CAIUS

Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere

is dat knave Rugby?

Yes; put it in my pocket: hurry up, be quick. Where

is that knave Rugby?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

What, John Rugby! John!

Hey, John Rugby! John!

RUGBY

Here, sir!

Here, sir!

DOCTOR CAIUS

You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,

take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

You are John Rugby, and you are Idiot Rugby. Come on;

bring your sword, and follow me to the court.

RUGBY

'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

I have it ready, sir, here in the porch.

DOCTOR CAIUS

By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!

Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,

dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

By God, I'm late. Good heavens!

What have  I forgotten! There are some medicines in my cupboard

that I would not leave behind for the world.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!

Oh no, he'll find the young man in there, and go mad!

DOCTOR CAIUS

O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!

Pulling SIMPLE out

Rugby, my rapier!

Oh the devil, devil! What's this in my cupboard? Villain! Thief!

Rugby, bring my sword!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Good master, be content.

Good master, calm down.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Wherefore shall I be content-a?

And why should I be calm?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

The young man is an honest man.

This young man is an honest man.

DOCTOR CAIUS

What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is

no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

What's an honest man doing in my cupboard? There is

no honest man who would be in my cupboard.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth

of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

I beg you, don't be so hotheaded. Listen to the truth

of the matter: he came to me on an errand from Parson Hugh.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Vell.

Well.

SIMPLE

Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--

Yes, indeed; to ask her to–

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Peace, I pray you.

Be quiet, please.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.

You keep your mouth shut. Tell your story.

SIMPLE

To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to

speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my

master in the way of marriage.

To ask this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to

put in a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my

master in the matter of marriage.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my

finger in the fire, and need not.

Yes, that's all it was! But I'll never

get involved with that sort of thing, and don't have to.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.

Tarry you a little-a while.

Writes

Sir Hugh sent you? Rugby, bring me some paper.

You wait a little while.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if he

had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him

so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,

man, I'll do you your master what good I can: and

the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my

master,--I may call him my master, look you, for I

keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,

scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do

all myself,--

I am glad he is so calm: if he

had really been stirred up, you would have heard him

very loud and wailing. But nevertheless,

man, I'll do the best I can for your master: and

the long and the short of it is, the French doctor, my

master–I may call him my master, you see, for I

am his housekeeper; and I wash, dry, brew, bake,

scrub, prepare meat and drink, make the beds and do

everything myself–

SIMPLE

[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to

come under one body's hand.

That's a lot of work for one person.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? you

shall find it a great charge: and to be up early

and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in

your ear; I would have no words of it,--my master

himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but

notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that's

neither here nor there.

You think so? You will find it

plenty of work: you have to get up early

and go to bed late; but nevertheless–I'll whisper

to you, I don't want it to get around–my master

is in love with Mistress Anne Page himself: but

nevertheless, I know Anne's mind–that's

neither here nor there.

DOCTOR CAIUS

You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by

gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee

park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest

to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good

you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two

stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw

at his dog:

Exit SIMPLE

You monkey, give this letter to Sir Hugh; by