The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (485 page)

ill.

And, believe me, I was just coming to you. You look very

ill.

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.

No, I won't believe that; I can show you different.

MISTRESS PAGE

Faith, but you do, in my mind.

Well you do, to my mind.

MISTRESS FORD

Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the

contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!

Alright then, I do; but I still say I could prove

the opposite. Oh Mistress Page, give me some advice!

MISTRESS PAGE

What's the matter, woman?

What's the matter, woman?

MISTRESS FORD

O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I

could come to such honour!

Oh woman, if it wasn't for just one small thing,

I could be so honoured!

MISTRESS PAGE

Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is

it? dispense with trifles; what is it?

Forget the small thing, woman! Take the honour. What is

it? Forget the small things; what is it?

MISTRESS FORD

If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,

I could be knighted.

If I would only do something which could get me sent to hell,

I could be knighted.

MISTRESS PAGE

What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights

will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the

article of thy gentry.

What? You lie! Sir Alice Ford! These knights

are sluts; so you should never change

your title.

MISTRESS FORD

We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I

might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat

men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of

men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised

women's modesty; and gave such orderly and

well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I

would have sworn his disposition would have gone to

the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere

and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to

the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,

threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his

belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged

on him? I think the best way were to entertain him

with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted

him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

We are wasting time: here, read this; see how I

might be knighted. I shall never like fat men,

for as long as I have eyes to judge between

men's looks: and yet he did not swear; praised

women's modesty; and gave such a reasonable and

sensible criticism of all improper behaviour, I

would have sworn that his personality must match

the truth of his words; but they are no better suited

to each other than the hundredth Psalm is to

the tune of ‘Greensleeves’. What storm, I wonder, cast

this whale, with so many barrels of oil in his belly,

ashore at Windsor? How shall I take my retaliation?

I think the best way would be to lead him on

until the wicked fire of lust has made him dissolve

in his own fat. Did you ever hear anything like it?

MISTRESS PAGE

Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and

Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery

of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy

letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I

protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a

thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for

different names--sure, more,--and these are of the

second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;

for he cares not what he puts into the press, when

he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,

and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you

twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

Exactly like it, except that the name of Page and

Ford is different! If you want to see a solution to this mystery

of his poor opinion, here's the twin brother of your

letter: but your one can inherit what's on offer; for, I

swear, mine never will. I don't doubt he has a

thousand of these letters, with a blank space left for

different names–in fact, I should think that these are from

his second edition: he doubtless has them printed;

he obviously doesn't care who he sends them to, when

he tries it on with us. I would rather be a giant,

crushed under Mount Pelion. Well, you will find twenty

unfaithful turtledoves before you find a single pure man.

MISTRESS FORD

Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very

words. What doth he think of us?

Why, this is exactly the same; the same handwriting,

the same words. Who does he think we are?

MISTRESS PAGE

Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to

wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain

myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;

for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I

know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.

I've no idea: it almost makes me start to question

my own virtue. I look upon myself

as if I am a stranger;

for, unless he knows something about me I don't,

he would never have boarded me with this attack.

MISTRESS FORD

'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him

above deck.

‘Boarding,’ you call it? I'll make sure he keeps

above the deck.

MISTRESS PAGE

So will I: if he come under my hatches, I'll never

to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's

appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in

his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,

till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.

So will I: if he ever invaded me, that would be

the end of my travels. Let's get our revenge on him: let's

arrange a meeting; we'll make him think that he has

a chance with us and lead him on with tantalising promises,

until he has pawned his horses to the landlord of the Garter.

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,

that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,

that my husband saw this letter! it would give

eternal food to his jealousy.

Absolutely, I will participate in any tricks against him,

as long as it does not produce any stain on our absolute honesty.

Oh, if my husband saw this letter! It would give him

reasons to be jealous for ever.

MISTRESS PAGE

Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's

as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;

and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.

Why, look, he's coming; and my husband too: he's

as unlikely to be jealous as I am to give him a reason to be;

and I know that is unthinkable.

MISTRESS FORD

You are the happier woman.

You're better off than me then.

MISTRESS PAGE

Let's consult together against this greasy knight.

Come hither.

They retire

Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM

Let's plot together against this greasy knight.

Come with me.

FORD

Well, I hope it be not so.

Well, I hope this is not true.

PISTOL

Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:

Sir John affects thy wife.

Hope is a useless thing in some matters:

Sir John fancies your wife.

FORD

Why, sir, my wife is not young.

Why, sir, my wife is not young.

PISTOL

He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,

Both young and old, one with another, Ford;

He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.

He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,

both young and old, all at the same time, Ford;

he loves the mixture: Ford, think about this.

FORD

Love my wife!

He loves my wife!

PISTOL

With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,

Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:

O, odious is the name!

With a burning passion. Block him or you'll be like

Actaeon, torn apart by his own dogs:

was a horrible name it is!

FORD

What name, sir?

What name, sir?

PISTOL

The horn, I say. Farewell.

Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:

Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.

Away, Sir Corporal Nym!

Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.

Exit

The name of cuckold, I say. Goodbye.

Be careful, keep your eyes open, for thieves come in the night:

be careful, before summer comes and you find a cuckoo in your nest.

Come on, Sir Corporal Nym!

Believe it, Page; he's telling you the truth.

FORD

[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.

I will bide my time; I will find out about this.

NYM

[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour

of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I

should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I

have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.

He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.

My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis

true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.

Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,

and there's the humour of it. Adieu.

Exit

And it's all true; I do not like

to lie. He has done me wrong: I

should have carried that letter to her; but I

have a sword and I'm not afraid to use it.

He loves your wife; that's the long and the short of it.

My name is Corporal Nym; I swear that what I tell you

is true: my name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your

wife. Goodbye. I'm not going to live on bread and

cheese. Goodbye.

PAGE

'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow

frights English out of his wits.

'The humour of it,' he says! Here's a fellow

who scares English out of its wits.