The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (488 page)

husband is not often away, but she hopes that there

will be an opportunity. I never knew a woman to be so

fascinated by man; it's as if you have a magic charm;

I really think you must have.

FALSTAFF

Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my

good parts aside I have no other charms.

I don't, I can promise you: apart from my

good looks and good qualities I have no other magic.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Blessing on your heart for't!

Bless you for it!

FALSTAFF

But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and

Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?

But, please, could you tell me this: have Ford's wife and

Page's wife told each other how they love me?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

That were a jest indeed! they have not so little

grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but

Mistress Page would desire you to send her your

little page, of all loves: her husband has a

marvellous infection to the little page; and truly

Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in

Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what

she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go

to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as

she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there

be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must

send her your page; no remedy.

That would be a good joke! I don't think they would be

so unsubtle; goodness that would be a joke! But

Mistress Page would like you to send her your young

servant, for the sake of love: her husband is very

keen on the little chap; and it's a fact

that Master Page is an honest man. There is no wife

in Windsor who has a better lifestyle than her: she does

whatever she wants, says what she wants, gets whatever she wants, has it paid for,

goes to bed when she wants, gets up when she wants, everything

is how she wants it: and she really does deserve it; for if there

is a single good woman in Windsor, she's one. You must send her

your page, there is no alternative.

FALSTAFF

Why, I will.

Well, I will.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and

go between you both; and in any case have a

nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and

the boy never need to understand any thing; for

'tis not good that children should know any

wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,

as they say, and know the world.

Well, do so, then: and, you see, he can be your

go-between; and so you should have a

password, so that you can know what the other one is thinking, and

the boy will never understand a word; because

it is not good for children to know of any wickedness:

older people, as you know, can be discreet,

as they have knowledge of the world.

FALSTAFF

Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's

my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with

this woman.

Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN

This news distracts me!

Goodbye: give my regards to both of them: here's

my purse; I am still in your debt. Boy, go with

this woman.

PISTOL

This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:

Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:

Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!

Exit

This slut is one of Cupid's ships:

put on more sail; chase her; put up your shields:

fire away: she is my trophy, or let the ocean swallow them all up!

FALSTAFF

Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make

more of thy old body than I have done. Will they

yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense

of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I

thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be

fairly done, no matter.

Enter BARDOLPH

So that's what the old Falstaff would say, is it? On your way,

I'll make better use of your old body than you have.

Will they now look after you? Will you, after laying out

so much money, make a profit? My good body, I

thank you. They can say that it is gross, but

who cares as long as it gets results.

BARDOLPH

Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain

speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath

sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.

Sir John, there's a Master Brook downstairs who wants

to meet you and speak to you; he has

sent your worship a morning drink of sherry.

FALSTAFF

Brook is his name?

He's called Brook?

BARDOLPH

Ay, sir.

 Yes, sir.

FALSTAFF

Call him in.

Exit BARDOLPH

Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such

liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page

have I encompassed you? go to; via!

Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised

Send him in.

I'll always welcome a Brook, if it's running

with such liquor. Aha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page,

have I snared you? Come on then, let's hurry up!

FORD

Bless you, sir!

Bless you, sir!

FALSTAFF

And you, sir! Would you speak with me?

And you, sir! You want to talk to me?

FORD

I make bold to press with so little preparation upon

you.

If I might be so bold as to impose on you with so little

introduction.

FALSTAFF

You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.

Exit BARDOLPH

You're welcome. What is it you want? Leave us alone, barman.

FORD

Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.

Sir, I am a gentleman who has spent much; my name

is Brook
.

FALSTAFF

Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.

Good Master Brook, I would like to know you better.

FORD

Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;

for I must let you understand I think myself in

better plight for a lender than you are: the which

hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned

intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all

ways do lie open.

Good Sir John, I'd like to know you: not to sponge off you,

for I must tell you that I am in a better position

to lend money than you are: that's why

I'm cheeky enough to make this uninvited

intrusion; they do say that money opens all doors.

FALSTAFF

Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

Money is a good soldier, sir, and marches on.

FORD

Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:

if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or

half, for easing me of the carriage.

Well I tell you, I have a bag of money here which is weighing me down:

if you will help me to carry it, Sir John, take it all, or

half, as payment for lifting the weight off me.

FALSTAFF

Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

Sir, I don't know why you would choose me as your porter.

FORD

I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

I will tell you, sir, if you will allow me.

FALSTAFF

Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be

your servant.

Speak, good Master Brook: I will be glad to be

your servant.

FORD

Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief

with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,

though I had never so good means, as desire, to make

myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a

thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine

own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have

one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,

turn another into the register of your own; that I

may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you

yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

Sir, I hear that you are a scholar–I'll be as quick

as I can–and I have known about you for a long time,

although my means never matched my desire

to make your acquaintance. I shall reveal

something to you by which I will very much show

my own faults: but, good Sir John, as you hear about

my mistakes, bear in mind the list of your own;

that will make you more indulgent towards me, since you

yourself know how easy it is to slip up.

FALSTAFF

Very well, sir; proceed.

Very good, sir; carry on.

FORD

There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's

name is Ford.

There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's

name is Ford.

FALSTAFF

Well, sir.

Go on, sir.

FORD

I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,

bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting

observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;

fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly

give me sight of her; not only bought many presents

to give her, but have given largely to many to know

what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued

her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the

wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have

merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,

I am sure, I have received none; unless experience

be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite

rate, and that hath taught me to say this:

'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;

Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'

I have loved her for a long time, and, I must tell you,

have given her many things; paid attention to her every need;

taken every opportunity to meet her;

paid for any opportunity which might just give me

a glimpse of her; not only bought many presents

for her, but have paid a lot to other people to know

what sort of presents she would like; in short, I have