The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (490 page)

they will break their hearts to achieve. May heaven

be praised for making me jealous! Eleven o'clock is the time:

I will stop this,  catch  out my wife, have revenge on

Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I'll get going; better

to be three hours early than one minute too late. Damn,

damn, damn; cheated, cheated, cheated!

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY

DOCTOR CAIUS

Jack Rugby!

Jack Rugby!

RUGBY

Sir?

Sir?

DOCTOR CAIUS

Vat is de clock, Jack?

What's the time, Jack?

RUGBY

'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.

It is past the time, sir, that Sir Hugh promised he would be here.

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he

has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,

Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

By God, he has saved his soul by not coming;

he has prayed wisely, by not coming: by God,

Jack Rugby, he's a dead man, if he comes here.

RUGBY

He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill

him, if he came.

He is sensible, sir; he knew your worship would kill

him, if he came.

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.

Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

By God, there's no herring as dead as I would kill him.

Take your sword, Jack; I'll show you how I will kill him.

RUGBY

Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Villany, take your rapier.

You villain, take your sword.

RUGBY

Forbear; here's company.

Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE

Stop it; we have company.

Host

Bless thee, bully doctor!

God bless you, good doctor!

SHALLOW

Save you, Master Doctor Caius!

God save you, Master Doctor Caius!

PAGE

Now, good master doctor!

Now, good master doctor!

SLENDER

Give you good morrow, sir.

Good day to you, sir.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

What have you four all come here for?

Host

To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee

traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to

see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy

distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is

he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my

AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is

he dead, bully stale? is he dead?

To see you fight, to see you lunge, to see you

dance from side to side and see you here, to see you there;

to see you thrust, stick, slash, keep your distance,

thrust upwards. Is he dead, my black bearded one?

Is he dead, my Frenchman? Ha, good! What do you say,

Aesculapius? Galen? My elderflower? Ha! Is

he dead, my joke? Is he dead?

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he

is not show his face.

By God, he is a cowardly monkey of a priest; he

doesn't dare to show his face.

Host

Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!

You are a Spanish pisspot.  Hector of Greece, my boy!

DOCTOR CAIUS

I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or

seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

Please, be my witnesses that I have waited six or

seven, two, three hours for him, and he has not come.

SHALLOW

He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of

souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should

fight, you go against the hair of your professions.

Is it not true, Master Page?

He has more sense than you, master doctor: he takes care

of souls, and you take care of bodies; if you fight

you're both going against your trades.

Don't you agree, Master Page?

PAGE

Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great

fighter, though now a man of peace.

Master Shallow, you yourself have been a great

fighter, though now you are a man of peace.

SHALLOW

Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of

the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to

make one. Though we are justices and doctors and

churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our

youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.

My goodness, Master Page, although I am now old and

peaceful, if I see a drawn sword my fingers itch to

join in. Although we are justices and doctors and

clergymen, Master Page, we still have a bit of our

youthful strength in us; we are still human, Master Page.

PAGE

'Tis true, Master Shallow.

That's true, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW

It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor

Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of

the peace: you have showed yourself a wise

physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise

and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.

It will be proved, Master Page. Master Doctor

Caius, I have come to take you home. I am sworn

to keep the peace: you have shown yourself to be a wise

physician, and Sir Hugh has shown himself to be a wise

and careful clergyman. You must come with me, master doctor.

Host

Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.

Excuse me, my magistrate guest. A word, Mr Stalepiss.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Mock-vater! vat is dat?

Stalepiss? What does that mean?

Host

Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

Stalepiss, in English, means bravery, old chap.

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de

Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me

vill cut his ears.

By God, then, I have as much stale piss as the

Englishman. Rascally mongrel priest! By God, I

shall cut his ears off.

Host

He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

He'll give you a good whopping, old man.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?

Whopping! What is that?

Host

That is, he will make thee amends.

It means that he will apologise to you.

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;

for, by gar, me vill have it.

By God, he certainly shall give me a good whopping;

I'll insist on it.

Host

And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.

I'll make him do it, or he'll have to run for it.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Me tank you for dat.

Thank you for that.

Host

And, moreover, bully, [aside]--but first, master guest, and

Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you

through the town to Frogmore.

And, what's more, old chap [aside]–but first, master guest, and

Master Page, and also the gallant Slender, go through

the town to Frogmore.

PAGE

Sir Hugh is there, is he?

That's where Sir Hugh is, is it?

Host

He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will

bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

He is: see what sort of mood he is in; and I will

bring the doctor round the long way. Can you play your part?

SHALLOW

We will do it.

We will do it.

PAGE SHALLOW SLENDER

Adieu, good master doctor.

Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

Goodbye, good master doctor.

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a

jack-an-ape to Anne Page.

By God, I will kill the priest; he spoke like a

monkey to Anne Page.

Host

Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold

water on thy choler: go about the fields with me

through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress

Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou

shalt woo her. Cried game; said I well?

Let him die: put away your anger, throw cold

water on your temper: come round the fields with me

to Frogmore: I will lead you to where Mistress

Anne Page is, dining at a farmhouse; and you

will woo her. Are you up for it? Do you like the idea?

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;

and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,

de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

By God, I thank you for that: by God, I like you;

I'll get you some good guests, earls,

knights, lords, gentlemen, all my patients.

Host

For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne

Page. Said I well?

And in return I'll ruin your chances with Anne

Page. How does that sound?

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, 'tis good; vell said.