The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (329 page)

Ask what you want.

HELENA

But will you make it even?

But will you keep the bargain?

KING

Ay, by my sceptre and my hopes of heaven.

Yes, I swear by my sceptre and my hopes of getting to heaven.

HELENA

Then shalt thou give me with thy kingly hand

What husband in thy power I will command:

Exempted be from me the arrogance

To choose from forth the royal blood of France,

My low and humble name to propagate

With any branch or image of thy state;

But such a one, thy vassal, whom I know

Is free for me to ask, thee to bestow.

Then you shall give me with your royal hand

any husband I ask for whom you have the power to give:

I promise I won't have the arrogance

to choose from the French royal family,

to try and mix my low and humble name

with any part of your family;

but any other amongst your subjects, whom I know

it is acceptable for me to ask for, you must give.

KING

Here is my hand; the premises observed,

Thy will by my performance shall be served:

So make the choice of thy own time, for I,

Thy resolved patient, on thee still rely.

More should I question thee, and more I must,

Though more to know could not be more to trust,

From whence thou camest, how tended on: but rest

Unquestion'd welcome and undoubted blest.

Give me some help here, ho! If thou proceed

As high as word, my deed shall match thy meed.

Here's my hand on it; the terms are set,

you will be rewarded proportional to my recovery:

so choose your time, for I

commit myself to you as your patient, and rely on you.

I would like to ask you some more questions,

although nothing you could say could increase my trust in you,

I want to know where you come from, who looks after you: but rest

assured of your welcome and my blessing.

Hey! Give me some help here! If you do

as well as you promise I will pay your just reward.

Flourish. Exeunt

Enter COUNTESS and Clown

COUNTESS

Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of

your breeding.

Come on, sir; I'm going to put you through your paces.

Clown

I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I

know my business is but to the court.

I'll show you that I'm well fed and badly taught: I

know that I should be at court.

COUNTESS

To the court! why, what place make you special,

when you put off that with such contempt? But to the court!

The court! What's made you so special

when you can just lightly say that? The court!

Clown

Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he

may easily put it off at court: he that cannot make

a leg, put off's cap, kiss his hand and say nothing,

has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and indeed

such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for the

court; but for me, I have an answer will serve all

men.

Honestly, madam, if God has given a man any manners, he

can fit right in at court: the one who can't

bend the knee, doff his cap, kiss his hand and say nothing

doesn't have knees, hands, lips or a cap; and in fact

to be precise about it a chap like that wouldn't fit

at court; but as for me, I have an answer for everything.

COUNTESS

Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all

questions.

I say, that's a good answer that would fit all questions.

Clown

It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks,

the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn

buttock, or any buttock.

It's like a barber's chair that fits all backsides,

skinny ones, squashy ones, muscular ones

or any others.

COUNTESS

Will your answer serve fit to all questions?

And your answer will fit all questions?

Clown

As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,

as your French crown for your taffeta punk, as Tib's

rush for Tom's forefinger, as a pancake for Shrove

Tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail to his

hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding queen

to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the

friar's mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.

It fits like money in the hand of a lawyer,

as the clap for a showy fop, like a ring of rushes

on a peasant's finger, like a pancake on Shrove

Tuesday, a morris dance on May Day, like a nail

in itshole, a cuckold with his horn, a scolding Queen

to an arguing scoundrel, the nun's lip to the

friar's mouth, like the pudding to its skin.

COUNTESS

Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all

questions?

I'm asking you do you have an answer to fit all questions?

Clown

From below your duke to beneath your constable, it

will fit any question.

From below a Duke to below your steward, it

will fit any question.

COUNTESS

It must be an answer of most monstrous size that

must fit all demands.

It must be an incredibly large answer if

it suits everything.

Clown

But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned

should speak truth of it: here it is, and all that

belongs to't. Ask me if I am a courtier: it shall

do you no harm to learn.

It's just trifle, honestly, if the educated

tell the truth of it: here it is, with everything

about it. Ask me if I am a courtier: it will

do you no harm to learn.

COUNTESS

To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in

question, hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I

pray you, sir, are you a courtier?

I'd like to learn to be young again if it was possible: I will be a fool

in my question, hoping that you will give me a wiser answer. Tell me Sir,

are you a courtier?

Clown

O Lord, sir! There's a simple putting off. More,

more, a hundred of them.

Oh Lord, sir! There's a simple way of doing it. Ask me more,

a hundred of them.

COUNTESS

Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.

Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, who loves you.

Clown

O Lord, sir! Thick, thick, spare not me.

Oh Lord, sir! Come on, more, don't spare me.

COUNTESS

I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.

I think, sir, that you will not eat this simple meat.

Clown

O Lord, sir! Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.

Oh Lord, sir! No, come on, really test me.

COUNTESS

You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.

You were recently whipped, sir, I believe.

Clown

O Lord, sir! spare not me.

Oh Lord, sir! Do not spare me.

COUNTESS

Do you cry, 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and

'spare not me?' Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very

sequent to your whipping: you would answer very well

to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.

Do you cry, ‘oh Lord, sir!’ when you are whipped, and

‘don't spare me?’ In fact your ‘oh Lord, sir!’ follows on

very closely to your whipping: you would have a very good answer

for a whipping, if you were handed one.

Clown

I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my 'O Lord,

sir!' I see things may serve long, but not serve ever.

I never had such bad luck with my ‘oh Lord,

sir!’ I see things will work for a long time but not for ever.

COUNTESS

I play the noble housewife with the time

To entertain't so merrily with a fool.

Here I am messing around as if

I have the time to amuse myself with a fool.

Clown

O Lord, sir! why, there't serves well again.

‘Oh Lord, sir!’ Why look, now it's working well again.

COUNTESS

An end, sir; to your business. Give Helen this,

And urge her to a present answer back:

Commend me to my kinsmen and my son:

This is not much.

That's enough of that; get on with your business. Give this to Helen,

and tell her that I want an answer:

give my regards to my kinsmen and my son:

it's not much to ask.

Clown

Not much commendation to them.

You don't want me to give them much regards then.

COUNTESS

Not much employment for you: you understand me?

Not much for you to do: do you understand?

Clown

Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs.

Absolutely: I'll be there before you know it.

COUNTESS

Haste you again.

Hurry back.

Exeunt severally