The Celestial Kiss (24 page)

I tried compartmentalizing my brain and my feelings, but couldn’t make it far past fact.  He had kidnapped me, and I knew that he could never truly love me because of what I was.  He was using me to get what he wanted.  He was a werewolf, my born enemy, and three years my senior.  And of course, how could I forget the piece de resistance?  I was dying.

But for all that, I couldn’t help but find flaws in those arguments. I had a better life here than I’d had at fathers.  And what did it matter if he was my enemy through blood and birth?  Rules were meant to be broken.  I was practically eighteen, and though he was older, I was probably just as mature as the run of the mill twenty one year old.  He could never love me, but what did I need love for?  I’d never felt it, and I could surely get through the next several days without it.  He was using me as leverage, but at least he had kept me instead of leaving me out in the woods on my own.  And the fact that I was dying made everything so much easier.  It would be so much more simple, a way to avoid getting emotionally invested in one another.

On paper, my excuses for getting him out of my head sounded great.  But my counter-arguments sounded equally as promising.  I’d tried denial, attempted to ignore the feelings I’d begun to have for him, and that hadn’t gotten me anywhere.  But it couldn’t have been him.  He was dark and moody at the same time he was practically a saint.  He could think of exactly the right thing to say to make me furious, and yet he had a way with words that was almost...gentle.  It didn’t matter if he was using me as a hostage or toying with me, because either way, I knew the true reason I hadn’t yet left: I was powerless to resist him.

James was nowhere to be found the next day.  I chalked it up to his new-found kingly obligations.  I hadn’t seen Janna since she’d left dinner in a hurry the previous night, and now that I knew the story behind Olias’ words, I was worried about her.  It was a horrible fate for anybody, but to hear her sister’s final, miserable moments laid bare like that in front of us all…Janna was strong, certainly, but I didn’t know at what point she would break.

              I set out to look for her, both because I was truly concerned for her and because I needed to talk.    I’d slept late, and subsequently missed the guests taking their leave.  Though the halls echoed with my footsteps, I relished the quiet.  It allowed me the chance I needed to come to terms with what had happened last night.  Now that the heat of the moment had come to pass, I could analyze my feelings without fear of making any hasty judgments.  Although, I suspected that in the light of day, my feelings couldn’t have changed that much.

              What I knew was that I was inexorably drawn to him.  What I didn’t know was why.  Perhaps it was simply a matter of chemistry, or kismet, or whatever it is that brings two people together.  That was the most unlikely answer, but it was the one I favored, for it did not chain me to anything other than humanity, something I’d fought my entire life for. 

James was strong, smart, and loyal.  He acted on his passions, yet exercised enough control to keep me guessing.  Even now, I didn’t know where he was, what he was doing, and most frustrating of all, how he felt about me.

              We were bonded, but did that create feelings within him that were untrue or give him an excuse to act upon them?  He’d kissed me almost out of nowhere, but did that mean he felt something for me?  Or had he simply been exercising his control over me because he could?

              The questions consumed me so much that I lost touch with where I was going until I ran smack into someone.  The force knocked me back, and I looked up, an apology on my lips.  It died when I saw who it was that had nearly blown me over. 

                “Look what the cat dragged in,” Olias said, his voice low, rolling on a laugh.  “Or, should I say the wolf.”

              I graced him with a smile that took a lot of effort to find.  “Hello.”  I tried to make my voice pleasant, but a bitter edge managed to cut through it.  I made to move around him, but he blocked me with an arm out.

              “Not so fast.  I had something to ask you.”

              “Well, if you want to talk politics again, you can wait a few hours.  I know you prefer to do that at the dinner table.”

              “I don’t give a damn about politics.”  He sneered.  A shiver ran down my spine; something about him reminded me of Xian.

              “Excuse me.”  I attempted to shrug him off, but he didn’t move.  Instead, he stood solid as a wall and gave me a once over, drinking me in from head to toe.  His eyes lingered momentarily on my neck, and noticing that, I crossed my arms, defensive. 

              “Who do you think you’re fooling?”  He asked, his expression dark.  It looked like more than a few days had passed since he’d shaven…or slept, for that matter.

              “What are you talking about?”

              “Obviously there is something going on here.  Something other than the lies you’ve been spreading.”

              I swallowed, hoping I looked impassive or incredulous; anything but guilty.  It took a lot of effort to make sure my voice didn’t tremble when I spoke.  “I’m not sure I understand.”

              “I’m talking about you and the accidental king.  You’re not in love...that’s obvious.  You played your guests.  The question is, why?”

              “I’m not...”  I said, in shock.  It served my purpose well.  “I love him.”

              “Maybe you do.”  He shrugged, lifting one shoulder lazily.  “And maybe you don’t.  But do you really think that you would love him if you didn’t have to?”

              “I
don’t
have to.”

His smile was just short of sympathetic.  “Oh yes you do.  He bit you?”

“Yes.”  I don’t know why I admitted it, but Olias could have figured that out on his own anyways.

“Then you should know you’ve lost your free will.  That bite bound you to him.”

“I’m aware.”  I held my head up in defiance.  “It doesn’t change anything.”

“Because you love him, right?  But you don’t even realize what you’ve lost...what he’s taken from you.”

“James has given me more than I could ask for.”  It was an automatic answer, but not practiced.  I hadn’t intended to say that, but once it was in the air, I realized it was true.

“Right.”  He nodded, unconvinced.  “When he bit you did he tell you that it would keep you connected?”

“There wasn’t really time for that.”

“He didn’t warn you that once you were tied together there was no going back?  There is no escape from this Hell…not even death?”

“You—”

              “You’re his
prisoner
.  His captive.  That scar on your shoulder,” He nodded at the mark in question and I looked down to see that the wide cut of my shirt left the scar revealed.  “It might fade, but what it means...that doesn’t.  It’s not just for show.  It’s a commitment for a reason.  When he bit you he filled your bloodstream with drugs that confused your mind into thinking you love him.  But it’s an illusion...a curse.”

              “No.”  I shook my head.  “I love him because of who he is.”  The words left my tongue before I had fully vetted them.  I hadn’t meant to say I loved him.

              “If you love him at all, it’s because you’ve been forced to.  But look at the facts: he stole from you.  Your dignity, your willpower, and your choice.  He took all of that away from you without asking.”

              “I don’t see why you care.”  I moved to go past him, but Olias anticipated my move and stepped to the side, barring my path. 

“Doesn’t it bother you,” He said slowly, sure to keep his voice low, “that you are nothing to him?  You are a toy.”  He lifted a hand and I stepped back reflexively, but the gesture wasn’t a threat in itself.  “You’re scared.  I see it in your eyes.”

His dark eyes trailed down my collar bone before creeping up to the other side of my neck where my hair hung in its usual place, concealing the marks that I so desperately despised.  He brushed it away in and his eyes widened.  He’d pointed it out before that I had many scars, but up close, it was that much more obvious.  Understanding seemed to ignite in him. 

              I tried to jerk out of his way and succeeded in moving half an inch before he pulled me back into place, knocking my head against the wall.  Stars shot out before me in a burst of colors; nausea rolled in my stomach.  “There are so many of them.”  He sounded disgusted and awed at the same time.  “What the hell happened to you?”

              “I think you need to walk away,” I warned, feeling my anger beginning to grow, fueled by my embarrassment.

              I was not as fearsome as I hoped, for he moved closer.  Panic jolted through me, but I miscalculated.  It was not my lips that Olias moved for with an open mouth.  Instead, he swung his head over to the stretch of skin on my neck that was scarred with crescent bite marks and pressed his lips there, pausing to gauge my reaction in the tensing of my body.  His teeth grazed my skin.

              I thought of the training I’d done with Delilah.  She’s insisted that I could not always be on the defensive…sometimes I would have to attack.  I punched him as hard as I could.  It wasn’t half as satisfying as I’d anticipated.

              “Step away from her.”  An icy voice broke through the sound of my heart pumping in my ears.  Olias turned his head slowly, keeping his posture, and fixed Julius with a defiant look.  I took the chance to knock Olias in the head, causing a momentary confusion, which I manipulated to break away from his hold.  I was standing behind Julius in the next instant, watching Olias struggle to regain his composure.

              “What are you guys hiding?”  He questioned, his eyes on me.  The threat was not me, but Julius, and he knew that.  We all did.  And yet
,
Olias kept his eyes trained on me like a dog bracing for attack.

              “Walk away.”  Julius said by way of response.  His voice was hard, but I recognized the authority.  He may not be the king, but he had been born for the job all the same.

              “Not until I know the truth.”

              “The truth?”  Julius sneered.  “The truth will not bring Jocelyn back.  It will not stop the pain.”  His voice was cold and hard.

              “Maybe not.”  Olias agreed.  “But she knows something, and if it will get me justice for her, I will do whatever it takes.”

              “You’re delusional.”  Julius sounded impatient. 

              “I’m not
imagining
the scars on her neck.  The way some of them are ancient, but others…they look as recent as a few weeks ago.”  He paused, watching for my expression.  “What is it, Lilith?  Am I on to something?”

              I moved my hair to cover my neck more completely. My heart had squeezed into nothing more than a fist in my chest, refusing to beat.  Olias’ grin remained,even as he walked away, knowing that the damage had been done.  He had planted a seed of doubt.  How could I trust my feelings for James when they were quite possibly manufactured?

              Julius stared after him a moment, before turning to me.  “Are you okay?”  His eyes were filled with genuine concern.  I managed a nod, and he straightened, preparing to turn away from me.

              I caught his wrist before he could go, and as he looked at me I saw the curiosity etched on his face.  Just two weeks ago, when Julius had interrogated me in the basement, he’d demanded answers.  Now, Olias demanded the same, and Julius interfered upon my behalf.  I didn’t know what had changed, but I knew the thread that connected him to Olias.  “I’m sorry about your sister.”

              His eyes narrowed the slightest bit, like maybe he didn’t trust the sentiment.  “It was a long time ago.”

              “Time doesn’t heal all wounds.”  I knew as much from personal experience. 

              “No.”  He agreed.  “But there’s nothing for you to be sorry about.”

              Julius left then, in a hurry, and I wondered whether it was because he didn’t believe his own words.  As it was, I wasn’t so sure myself.

I didn’t see James until dinner that night.  His empty seat had me worried, but Janna seemed unconcerned, so I tried to ignore the gnawing questions of what he could be up to as we made small talk.  Julius’ usual seat was vacant as well, but the queen sat straight in her chair, watching the people in the hall go about their business, her friends and family all under one roof.  They were intriguing, these men and women who raised children with the greatest love and care, but swore to put allegiance to the Creator above anything else.  They were confident that they’d never be asked to make a sacrifice that they couldn’t handle, but I wasn’t so sure.

              James had only just sworn the oath himself, and yet he was already busy, missing meals to attend to matters I probably couldn’t comprehend.  Even before it had been official, he’d borne duties that seemed stifling.  Then again, power had never really done it for me, maybe because I was born into it.  Lucky me, I’d gotten a glimpse at the intoxicating allure of supreme rule from the inside, and I had to say it wasn’t as glorious as it seemed.  James’ disappearance was proof of that.

              After father, I had been the official second in command.  What that meant, was that in the event of father’s downfall, the inheritance would be mine.  The vampires, the house, the fortune…all of it would fall to me.  On paper, it sounded good enough, but it left me more susceptible than anyone might think.  Feeding upon that power, Xian had targeted me from the very beginning.  I had been naïve enough to assume that when he’d come to my father two years ago, it had been attraction or curiosity that drew us together.  For me, it had been a bitter dose of both.  For him, it had been the simple fact that I was a good strategy. 

              Xian used me to get close to my father…and not in the sense that we would sit around as a happy family and enjoy a nice home-cooked meal.  It started as little more than respectful smiles in passing, and ended with Xian coming to believe he possessed me.  He became my father’s most trusted soldier and ally, truly the second in command, and by the time I realized what he’d done, his hooks in me were too deep to just walk away.  What I didn’t know, though, was that by the time I would gather the courage to walk away, I was Xian’s favorite toy, one he’d not let go of without a fight. 

              James’ entrance gathered the attention of everyone; they all looked up to smile his way.  The smile was returned in kind, but as he took his seat I sensed something beneath the surface.  “Did you get what you were looking for?”  Janna asked, cutting a sharp look at him.  James didn’t respond, but Janna seemed happy enough, and she went back to telling me some story I wasn’t really listening to.

              When dinner was over, she stood and told me she had business to attend to, and so I wished her goodnight and turned to James.  The entire day I’d been planning what I would say to him, about his feelings and mine and that kiss, but all of a sudden, I didn’t know what words would be appropriate.  He noticed me looking, but when he met my stare, it wasn’t what I’d expected.  He looked angry. 

              I swallowed any of the things that I might have eventually plucked up the courage to say and retreated to my room, feeling myself become angry too.  I hadn’t asked for any of this, and while James hadn’t either, he had played a pretty big role in allowing it all to unfold.  I’d had no choice in the matter of being bitten or brought here, but I’d had a choice presented to me just a few days ago and I’d ignored it.  Now, I knew what I needed to do.

              I’d come into this house with nothing but the clothes on my back and a necklace that had belonged to a dead woman, and now I had neither of those things.   I dug into the dresser, producing my ripped jeans and a nondescript t shirt.  I sat on the bed and laced my boots, my conviction growing with my unhappiness.  This mess I’d come into, it was not what I’d wanted, not what I’d spent years dreaming of.  It wasn’t what I’d forsaken my family for, and if I wasn’t wanted here, there was no reason to stay.

              My heart warred with my mind and body, both of which led me out into the cold night, my back to the palatial house I’d begun to think could act as my home for the next few weeks.  Just last night, when I’d been in James’ presence, I might have said that I didn’t need anything, but his absence made me realize I’d been lying to myself.  Though Xian’s infatuation with me was a dozen different shades of screwed up, he’d brought me back from the edge of feeling numb, the way I had for years before him.  His mind games and irrational anger aside, he’d let me feel again, even if it was fear that I’d come to know.  After that, I couldn’t live a life of apathy like the one I’d been stuck in since James had bitten me.  I told myself that I needed to go somewhere that I could feel again, anything other than confusion and disappointment and anger.  But something was trying to pull me back, and I couldn’t figure out what it was.

              I was halfway across the lawn by the time I realized just how much I didn’t want to leave, and my anxiety reached a peak.  Stubborn, I refused to allow myself to turn back, refused to admit I’d acted hastily, and so I plunged further into the maze of bushes, the moon roses and hawthorn even more tangled and beautiful than I’d remembered.  When I saw a break in the trees, I ran for it, convinced that if I didn’t, I’d never make it out alive.  The wind howled in my ears, and the cold seized my lungs, choked by the cloying smell of the impending storm.  Still I ran, until I emerged between the paths into the expanse of land that separated the woods from the werewolves’ den, a length so great that the trees in the distance looked like little more than people.

              “Lilith!” 

              I turned upon hearing my name, but didn’t see anything.  Shivering, I looked up at the top of the house, which could be seen from the outside of the maze, barely peeking above the tall shrubs.  A voice in my head warned me not to do this, and as I was turning back to ignore it, I saw him.  James was running toward me.  A sigh escaped me and was devoured by the wind.

              “What do you want?”  I demanded as he stopped in front of me, fixing me with a very odd look.

              “You’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question.  Rather, he sounded disappointed, as though he had been hoping it wouldn’t come to this.  Or maybe that was my wishful thinking, looking for an excuse to stay.

“There’s nothing for me here.”  I looked away, sure that if I saw those dark eyes watching me long enough, my resolve would disappear into thin air.  “I stayed the weekend to help make an impression, out of respect for your father, but…”

              He reached out lightly and tipped my chin up.  Without thinking I met his eyes.  “Last night…” He began.

              “You don’t owe me anything.”  I told him, prepared to turn away again.  But that would mean looking away, and I couldn’t.  I was hostage to his hand on my cheek, his eyes locked on mine.

              “I owe you more than I could ever give you.”  James looked sincere, but I didn’t understand.  My mouth opened so I could say as much, but he shook his head.  “Please, let me finish.”  I bit my lip, not sure that it was a good idea, but nodded all the same.  “Last night, you asked me not to leave.  And I didn’t listen to you, because I was scared.”

              “You were scared?”

              “Lilith, in the whole time that you’ve been here, we’ve barely talked.  I don’t know anything about you, but I do know that I don’t want you to leave.  I know that I’d do almost anything to stop you from walking away right now.”

              I shook my head, because it didn’t make sense.  “You don’t really mean that?”  My voice was sadly hopeful.

              “I do.”  He took my hand, offering a warmth that was entirely foreign to me, spreading from the inside out.  “I care about you.”

              I wavered, taken in by the sense of comfort that seemed to grow within me, but scared that I would stay and only make things worse for the both of us when the full moon approached.  “You don’t care about me.”  I shook my head.  “I disgust you.  You can’t even look at me.”  My voice broke, and I knew tears were soon to follow.  I could feel them pooling in my eyes, burning against the wind.

              “That’s not true.”  James said.  “I’m proving it right now.”

              “You run from me every chance you get.”  My voice was thick with unshed tears now.  “I am your enemy, one of the things that killed your sister.  And now every time you look at me, you think of her.  You look the other way when our eyes meet.  You kiss me and then you leave…”

              James’ hands tightened on my arms, and when I looked at him he was distraught.  “Please tell me you don’t honestly believe that.”

              A tear escaped, slipping quietly down my cheek.  James caught it and wiped it away.  “What am I supposed to believe?”

              “Me.”  He said.  “Believe me when I say that you do not disgust me.  From the first moment I saw you, you compelled me.  I don’t see my sister when I look at you, and I don’t see my enemy.  I see a girl whose life I ruined.  I see someone who had a life of promise, who could have done any number of brilliant things if I hadn’t interfered.  I don’t think of you as my mistake, Lilith, I think of myself as
your
mistake.”

              I laughed, but it was a poor attempt to conceal a sob.  “My mistake?  My mistake was leaving my family.  I’ve caused your entire family—your entire coven—nothing but misery.  If I hadn’t left, Xian would have never attacked, your father would still be alive, and you wouldn’t be bound to a dying girl.”

              James looked like I’d slapped him, and I thought maybe I’d gone too far by mentioning his father.  But then he wrapped his arms around me, a gesture that took me by surprise, and pulled me closer to him.  I could feel his heartbeat pressed against my chest, his warmth seeping into me.  “I should have told you this sooner, but the bond doesn’t create something that isn’t there.  It was approved because our paths crossed, one way or another.  I didn’t want you to think that whatever feelings you developed were forced on you, or manufactured.  Maybe it was wrong of me, maybe it was selfish, but I’ve been terrified this whole time that if you knew the truth, that if you knew our destinies were involved, that you’d run the other way.”  I blinked, considering his words.  He had been scared that I would reject him?  “I avoided answering your questions and did my best to never catch your eye and take the other way when you were around because I wasn’t ready to accept that my future was written for me.  I didn’t want you to feel the same, and so I kept you in the dark, at arm’s length.  I’ve never been this scared before.”

              “You’re…scared of me?”  It seemed ridiculous that this man twice my size and with the claim of a King would be scared of me. 

              “Not of you.”  His hand found mine, lacing our fingers together.  “Of what you could do to me.  If you left right now, I don’t think I’d ever be the same, not because I bit you and that makes us connected, but because of what lies between us…what it could be if it had the chance to grow.”

              My heart crashed against my ribcage and came to a faltering stop.  I think the whole world stopped, if only for a moment.  Or maybe that moment grew into something greater in my memory, stretched infinitely so that I could remember every detail, every facet of that night.  I didn’t know how I felt, exactly.  I’d thought I knew what love was one time, but I’d been wrong.   I felt like an emotional roller coaster.  I was happy when he was around, and I missed him when he was gone.  Every feeling in his presence was heightened, multiplied to a level of passion that I couldn’t begin to understand. 

Though I didn’t know how I felt, I was certain of what I wanted.  I wanted to stay wrapped up in his arms, kiss his lips, and sit at his side.  I wanted to stay with James and see what would happen.  Perhaps we
were
destined to be together, or perhaps we would never move beyond this mutual attraction.  I wouldn’t know if I didn’t stay.  That reward made the risk worthwhile.

              “Ok.”  The word was squashed when he pulled me in tighter, his large arms offering a kind of shelter from the wind.  I buried my face in his chest and held tight for a long while, unmoving as the wind whipped around us and the sounds of the woods beckoned.  When he pulled away much too soon it was to grace me with a smile.  His eyes danced with excitement.

              “We never did get to finish the conversation from the other day.”  James said, leading me back toward the house with my hand in his.  But we didn’t go inside; he veered away at the mouth of the maze, leading me to the courtyard. 

              A week ago, the courtyard had hosted a diner set and something that looked like a tea party.  Just a few nights ago, it had housed hundreds of chairs at the king’s funeral.  But tonight as we approached, the courtyard was empty.  White lights twinkled in the bushes, candles hung in glass lanterns from the branches of a tree, and there was a blanket laid flat underneath it.  “I didn’t get you anything for your birthday,” he warned.  “But I thought that maybe you’d accept some answers?”