The Celestial Kiss (19 page)

Somehow, I ended up in the shower.  I wasn’t really sure who lead me there, but they turned the water on and laid out a towel for me.  I stepped under the jet still fully clothed and let it beat the blood out of my shirt until my skin was red underneath.  Then I undressed and stood under the stream ‘til the water went from scalding to lukewarm.  I scrubbed the blood out from under my fingernails, scoured it off of my skin, and even wringed it out of my hair. 

When I emerged there were clean clothes waiting for me on the counter.  I slipped into them and opened the door to find Iz standing there.  “James asked me to keep you company.”  She explained.  I nodded, and followed her through the halls until we got to a big black door.  She opened it, allowing me to enter first.  James was sitting on the bed expectantly.

“Your highness.”  Iz sounded surprised. 

“I’m not of any use right now.”  James explained.  “You can return to your camp.  They need you now.”  Iz nodded and pursed her lips before disappearing.  “Have a seat, Lilith.”

I perched on the edge of the bed and James handed me a mug of something.  It was steaming and felt good between my palms, and I drank it without question.  “Your father?”

The door opened and Julius came in.  He shook his head.  I took that to mean that the intruders had gotten away.

“It’s too soon to tell.  But he isn’t conscious to say what happened.  Can you?”

I could, and so I did, explaining everything from the moment I had noticed something was amiss to the second he had knelt across from me. 

“And they were just going to walk away?”  James asked for the second time since I’d finished my tale.  My nervous system was beginning to respond to the coffee James had retrieved for me.  Though I still had no idea what had really transpired, the shock was beginning to fade away.  Julius watched me, hard eyes made even harder by his suspicion. 

I had hoped James or even Julius would be the one to provide me with answers, but that didn’t seem likely as James looked as mystified as I felt.  I decided not to answer him.  “Xian must have sent them to get the necklace.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  They knew exactly who and what they were looking for.”

James didn’t seem so sure.  “And they were human?”

“Yes.  I recognized that one man from that night you bit me.  He was one of the two that cornered me in the alley.”

James looked away, focusing on Julius instead.  I wondered if the way I spoke so blatantly made him uncomfortable.  “It doesn’t add up.  Why would a vampire get humans to do his dirty work?”

“Well, that’s obvious.”  I frowned.  “He offered them the one thing that every human seems to want—eternal life.  What I want to know is how they made it through the maze?”

James frowned too, contemplating my question.  “It’s impossible.”  He said after a while, though he clearly wasn’t sure of that. 

“Apparently not.”  Julius spat.  It was quiet while they considered it, and then Julius looked up, his face grim.  “The only way they could have made it in is if they already knew how to get in.”

“No human knows how to get through the maze.”  James shook his head.  “There are the tunnels...”

“Which should be locked.”

“Unless we have a traitor in our midst?”

Julius merely raised an eyebrow by way of response.  It was possible—it had to be, if you could only make it through the maze if you’d been told exactly where to turn.  I didn’t know these people well enough to say whether they were capable of treachery, but it wasn’t exactly a long shot to say that someone driven by hatred like Delilah would want me gone.

There was a brief knock on the door before Janna poked her head in.  “Sorry to interrupt.”  She said, looking between the three of us with the weight of unspoken questions.  “Mom’s looking for you.”

James stood so quickly that he was able to pierce the remnants of shock that had still clouded around me.  Seeing James’ dedication made me feel a little twinge of guilt for thinking so darkly of his mother.

I nodded in response to the one he gave me on the way out.  He didn’t say as much, but I had a feeling he would be back shortly.

Janna’s eyes narrowed in suspicion towards Julius, but she waited until James was out of earshot before speaking to me.  “Is it true?  Did you really save Molly’s life?”

“Molly?”  I asked, willing my brain to catch up with the rest of the conversation.

“She’s no Mother Teresa,” Julius was quick to dismiss her, though I did see a glint of appreciation in his eyes that his acerbic words couldn’t deny.

“Is Molly the little girl who they had captured?”  I ventured a guess. 

“Yeah.  The one that you traded spots with.  I have to say, Lilith, I didn’t have you pegged for a martyr.” 

“I didn’t trade places with her,” I shook my head. 

“Well, Molly is saying you did.”  Janna managed a weak smile.  “Everybody is buzzing about the vampire savior.  And you scared the intruders off, too.  I knew we should keep you around for something.” 

“She didn’t scare them off.”  Julius snorted.  “They knew the gunshot would attract others, and they ran.”

Julius didn’t know that they
had
seemed scared of me, though.  Or at the very least, disgusted by me.

“Well,” She shook her head a little.  “I’m going to head back.  I want to be there when he wakes up.”

In the silence left in her wake, I looked at Julius awkwardly.  It wasn’t my room, nor was it his.  The answer of whether to wait here for James or go back to my own room was one that depended upon whether Julius was staying.  But James knew where my room was, and so he could find me if he did wish to continue our conversation—whether it be the one we’d started nearly a week ago or the one that had been interrupted mere minutes ago.  I was almost to the door when Julius spoke, stopping me in my tracks.

              “What was my father saying to you?”  His eyes were narrowed on me like they were locked around a target.  I guess whatever progress we’d made in the last few days was now undone. 

              I bit my lip.  “He said hi.”

              “Hi?”  Everything about Julius suggested that he doubted that as truth.

              I shook my head.  “I didn’t understand it…I still don’t.”

              “Maybe he was saying bye?”

              I grimaced at the thought.  “Maybe.”

James did not come back to visit me that night.  Nor did I see him the next day.    I stayed in my room the better part of the day, until I could take it no more.  I had to get out of that room or I’d drive myself insane trying to answer questions that only seemed to mount each time an old one was answered.  I considered the mythological hydra, an ugly serpent who grew two heads every time Hercules chopped one off.  Life was a hydra.

The grief was still so raw that I couldn’t bear to think of it, yet it was all my mind seemed to be capable of focusing upon.  Since leaving the night before, I hadn’t seen any of the royal family. 

If I were going to leave, now was the time to do it.  If I’d learned anything the night before it was that life was fleeting.  When I’d thought he was going to shoot me, I had gotten a good glimpse of my rapidly vanishing life.  My own mortality loomed over me like a dark cloud.

But really, what did I have to look forward to beyond these walls, anyways?  Xian was a part of my past, and I would spend the rest of my life here, or even in the dungeon if that would keep me from having to see him again. 

Perhaps it was odd, but I’d rather stay where I was comfortable, than go out and test the waters.  What if I left, only to find myself in more trouble?  Gabrielle had enticed me to run away by offering things I couldn’t have at my father’s home…sleeping under the stars, visiting the beach, walking through the city streets.  I’d already crossed two of those off the list, and at least here I had the tentative beginnings of friendships.  Even Julius didn’t seem to hate me anymore. 

By the time I finally left my room, it was well after dinner and I was near delirious with hunger.  My feet led me to the kitchen, where the few women there seemed to be in the middle of cleaning up.  They all looked up the moment I entered, and I felt their surprise for a few heartbeats before Iz came skipping over.  “Lilith!  You missed dinner.  I’ll bet you’re starving.  Here, sit.”

I followed her to a stool that stood against the counter and planted myself upon it, while she began to spoon something from a large pot on the stove into a ceramic bowl.  I watched her throw some salt atop it and then Cat came waltzing into the kitchen balancing dishes in the crooks of her arm.  She smiled as though we were old friends and dropped the dishes into the sink.

The stew was not as beautiful or elaborate as my other dinners had been, but it smelled delicious.  “Thank you,” My stomach growled gratefully, a reminder that yesterday’s lunch had been cut short before it even began.

“Of course.”  Iz smiled like she had a secret, but it was a warm look.  In fact, it struck me as surprisingly maternal.

I ate in silence while Cat and Iz did the dishes, giggling and splashing water like school girls.  My eyes flickered over everything, unashamed, taking in the large kitchen with its immaculate granite counters and gleaming appliances.  The other women in the room bustled off, but Iz and Cat lingered.  I didn’t care to focus on what they had to say; they were far too casual.  Did they not know that their king was hurt?

I’d just set the spoon down when Iz rushed over.  “Would you like some more?”  When I shook my head no, she scooped the bowl up, considering me.  “You’re so skinny.”  She clucked.  “How are you feeling?”  She pressed the back of her hand to my forehead. 

I ducked away from her on instinct, and then ventured a look at her sympathetic frown.  Cat was watching with a small, expectant smile.  “What?”

“I don’t mean to pry,” She explained, “I just thought you might like to talk.”

“About what?”  It wasn’t meant to sound at all as defensive as it came out, but her eagerness to help was disarming.  I’d met her not even three days ago, and already she was fawning over me.  I didn’t trust it any more than I understood it.

“Anything.  I know it can’t be easy, any of this.”  Her voice dropped as she leaned into me.  “I remember when Jocelyn went through it.  She was terrified, not that she’d ever have let anyone see it.” 

“Jocelyn?”  I repeated dumbly.  “You mean this has happened before?”

“It’s not a pleasant story.”  She pressed her lips tightly together, shaking her head.  “In fact, I’d rather not think much about it.  But I’d be more than willing to help, in any way I can.  I’ve heard of some herbs that could ease the pain, although I suspect James is already taking care of that.” 

I stared, dumbfounded, and tried to grapple with her words.  From our entire exchange, I had gleaned only one thing: James had lied to me.  I had (very sarcastically) asked if it was a habit of theirs to take in victims, and he had made it seem as though I had been a fluke…an accident.  But there had been another.  A girl named Jocelyn, and she’d been through the same thing as me.  Clearly, it hadn’t ended well. 

Iz was still talking when I emerged from my thoughts, but it may as well have been white noise for all I heard of it.  “Thank you for dinner.”  I managed, despite the disgust that coiled in my stomach.  Before she even had a chance to respond, I was gone.

Though I had decided again that I hated James, my heart leapt when I finally heard the knock on my door.  I held my jaw tight, clenching my teeth around my anger as I waited for him to enter, but was surprised instead to see Janna let herself in.  I hadn’t even gotten over the whole thing with Katie and I was going to take my anger out on her, until I saw her tear streaked face and realized that she was wearing the same clothes that she’d been in when I last saw her.

“Janna?”  I ventured, unable to keep the fear from seeping into my voice.  I was expecting the worst, and yet a sliver of hope within me suggested that perhaps the worst had yet to come.

Her face was unnaturally pale, made even more prominent by her red-rimmed eyes.  Just a look at her had my heart dropping into my stomach.  “He’s gone.”  She said on a sniffle.

A chill fell on me.  Just like that, my anger was gone, replaced by a hole in my stomach.

She took a ragged breath.  “It just happened.”  A new line of tears made its way down her cheek, gleaming silver in the iridescent light that slipped through the window.  “We wanted you to hear it from us…”

I stepped aside, groping for words, and Janna allowed herself into the room.   She curled into herself at the window seat without a word and looked around, as though she were remembering something she desperately missed.  My vocabulary had become inaccessible, and staring at her felt invasive, so I took a seat next to her. 

“I’m sorry.”  She looked up at me through watery, bloodshot eyes. “But I didn’t know where else to go.”

Her sniffles sounded an awful lot like my heart breaking.  “Are you ok?”  It was a stupid question—as soon as it left my mouth I wished I could take it back to save myself the embarrassment.

“We knew this was coming, Lilith.”  Janna’s voice was strong at first, but wavered with her next words.  “He was sick...”

I watched her, awkward.  I’d never had to be the rock or provide emotional stability.  Where I came from, I was the only one who had been cursed with emotional depth, and even then there had been nobody who could offer me any sort of comfort.  I’d always just mourned in secret or internalized my pain; the role of the sympathizer was foreign to me.  But I could imagine what a normal person would do, and so I sat gingerly at her side.  Janna didn’t as much as look up.  Tentatively, I placed a hand on her shoulder.  This drew her attention.

“I can’t go through this again,” She whispered.

“I know it’s hard,” I offered, even though I didn’t.  My own father had refused to take me back in, and although I hadn’t expected any less of him, it was hard to imagine feeling this grief over my own father’s death.  Then again, when your father was immortal, the notion of death seemed silly to dwell on.  “But you’re strong.  You will get through this.”

“What if I don’t?”  She moaned, tucking her head into her shoulder, as though the energy to keep it upright had been depleted of her. 

“You will.  You have your family, and you will get through this together.”

Janna shook her head.  “My family?”  A laugh escaped her, but it was not the sweet sound I anticipated from her.  Instead, it was full of doubt.  “I’ve seen what grief does to them, Lilith.  I don’t know if we can survive this.”

“Of course you can.”  I said again, and this time I truly meant it.  “You have each other, and that is what is important.”

“You don’t understand,” Janna shook her head, her breath hinging on a sob.  “Julius almost killed himself, and James...he just shuts down.  My mother...she’s in denial.  I have no one.”

“You have me.” I tried to sound hopeful, like I could really help. 
Some consolation prize
.  I bit my lip, willing words of comfort to come to me, but after a few moments of silence, I said the first thing that came to mind. “I never knew my mother.”  My voice cracked against protesting vocal chords.  Even my body knew this was something I never brought up.  Why would I want to remember a woman so callous she could abandon her own child?  Janna didn’t need to know that part, though, which was just as well since I didn’t want to admit that I’d not been good enough for her.  “Well, that’s not entirely true.  I guess I did… she died when I was two.  But I don’t remember her.”  I felt Janna’s eyes turn on me, but I kept my gaze fixed on the ceiling.  “My father killed her.”

It felt wrong to talk about this.  I’d never talked about it with anybody except Xian, and all he’d managed to do was dismiss my concerns as foolish.  He always hated when I tried to get him to talk about the past, or even when I mentioned it.

“It was supposedly an accident.”  I continued.  “I know that there’s no way I could possibly remember, but I swear sometimes I can
see
her tumbling down the steps, and the blood at the bottom.  They all jumped at the smell.”  I fell silent, thinking that maybe this had been an inappropriate thing to bring up.  The irony of that imagery did not go unnoticed.  But Janna offered up no words either, and so I kept talking.  “I don’t know if he meant to do it, but even if she’d been alive, we’d never have what you do.  Not every family loves each other,” I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the shooting pains that coursed through my shoulder unannounced.  I wondered if it was my heart, pining for what I’d never had, or more likely just James’ hold over me making itself remembered.   “And even some of the ones that do can’t hold a candle to what you’ve got.  Your family is stronger than you think.  Don’t underestimate that.”

Janna was fixing me with a compassionate look, but she still had nothing to say.  So I kept talking, because the silence was too raw and unbearable for me.  “Before I ran away, one of my sisters came to me and told me she couldn’t take it anymore.  She’d abandoned her family to come live with us and realized it was a mistake.  And for reasons I still don’t understand, she wanted me to leave with her.  I don’t know why, but I agreed.  Somehow Xian found out and he told my father.  But he left out my part in the plan and pinned it on somebody else…a man who had been with us since I was a child.”  I exhaled sharply.  The memory hurt.  I hadn’t realized how much.

“What happened?”  Janna prodded.

“Father commanded that I kill him.”  I paused, hating the words, hating that my father would even expect something like that from me.  “I wouldn’t do it.  So Xian killed them.  He literally ripped their hearts out, but even in her last moments, my sister was concerned for her family...her son.  She gave me this…” 

I grabbed the paper from my pocket and smoothed it.  Every day I picked it up off the dresser and placed it back in my pocket, though even I didn’t know why.  Because it felt too important, perhaps, to leave there where anybody could see it.  Because I may change my mind at any moment and decide to leave without looking back.  Or maybe because it was one of two meager possessions I still had.  Regardless, the page with Samuel’s name on it had become something significant to me.  Janna skimmed over the page, without noticing the script that had been added to it.  “Robert Frost.”  She said.  She looked to me, as though expecting some kind of answer.  But I had none.

“I assume this meant something important to her.”  I shrugged.  “I’ll never know what, but she entrusted it to me, and for some reason that makes me feel better.”

Janna smiled, a crooked little tip of her mouth that wasn’t intended for me.  “I’ve always liked his poetry.  Did you read this?”  She gestured to the page that had shrunk in size, and was covered in smudges.  It had been folded up and smoothed out so many times it had become a shriveled little thing. 

“Yes.”  I said.  “But I’ve never been one for poetry.  It seems to me like a thought broken loose and skittering in a million directions.”  I shrugged, because as much as the paper meant to me, the words printed thereupon it were essentially worthless.  “I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean.”

“I don’t think a poet writes with the intentions of having his words analyzed.  I think when you feel things on that level, you just know what it means.”  My confused look must have spoken volumes, because she straightened.  “The very same man who wrote this poem here, also said that ‘to be a poet is a condition, not a profession’.  I don’t think even he intended his words to be dissected.  If you don’t know what it means to him, you can decide what it means to you.”

“Which is what?”

Janna sniffed, and I looked at her for the first time since delving into my past.  Her eyes were still red, but they were dry as they skimmed over the type-faced words.  “I’ve read these words before…”  She mumbled.  “But it’s not what you think it is.  This isn’t a poem about taking the road less traveled—it’s about having regrets.”  I nodded, like it made any sense to me, and she looked up.  “That’s the beautiful thing about poetry—it doesn’t tell you how to feel, only that you should.”