The Celestial Kiss (15 page)

“No.”  Janna’s voice stayed blessedly free of any emotion.  “I wanted you to tear her apart so she doesn’t have to do it herself.  I wanted you to tear her apart so she can put herself back together, stronger than she was before.  I wanted her to see that there is hope, that she can walk away and never look back.  I’ve met Katie before…this is her third trip to the ER in the past two years since she’s been with Cam.”

“I don’t know what you think you know about me.  But trust me when I say that what I just said to her isn’t going to miraculously make her find some strength she didn’t know she had and leave with it.  What I just said is going to make her hate herself for allowing somebody else to own her, for being foolish enough to love a monster in the first place.”

Janna grabbed my wrist, causing me to face her with unconcealed anger.  She didn’t waver under it as I’d hoped she would.  Actually, she seemed to stand a little taller.  “Maybe it will.  Maybe she will hate herself so much that she will consider ending her life.  Maybe she will hate herself so much that she will consider taking his.  Either way, she isn’t going to go back to that apartment that they share together and get pushed down the stairs for not spending her last ten dollars on beer.”  She began to walk away from me, so that I almost didn’t hear her say, “At least she isn’t going to be a victim anymore.”

“Really?”  I sneered.  I couldn’t expect her to understand it, and I wouldn’t have needed her to if she didn’t insist on being right when she had no practical experience in the matter.  “Walking away doesn’t undo whatever damage he’s already caused.  It doesn’t change who she is.”

“You’re wrong.”  Janna said.  “She will never be the same as she was before she met you.  You’ve just changed the course of someone’s life and you refuse to see it.  It may not seem like much to you, but she won’t die because an old guy friend texted her asking how she was.  I don’t know where her path leads from here and I don’t need to know.  But don’t you dare tell me that we didn’t make a difference.  This is what we do, Lilith.  Not grand, ostentatious acts like throwing yourself in front of a bus or running into a burning building.  Our faces and names should not be remembered, nor should the things we say.  But the way that we make people feel, paying for their coffee and giving them warmth on a chilly day, and making them realize they are worth more than they think…those things are what we do to preserve peace.  Those are the things we do to save the humans.  I’m sorry if you were expecting something more, but that is all I have to offer.  And to me, that is enough.  Because you were wrong, Lilith.  Katie is different now, thanks to you.  Maybe you didn’t see it, maybe you didn’t feel it, but she did quit being a victim, as easily as if she were quitting a dead-end job.  She quit being a victim, and she became something far greater, something you refuse to see even in yourself.  She is a survivor.”            
 


I refused to talk to Janna the whole way home, mostly because I knew she would try to pretend that my cold shoulder was not driving her mad.  She led me through a shortcut, making idle chatter all the way, and casually told me that this way was dangerous, that her brother’s had forced her to quit taking this path.  But what James didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, she said, and besides, nobody would mess with me in my current state.  I was still very much disappointed in what she had gotten me to say.  I was even more disappointed that James had told her about Xian.  It was the only way she could know, and yet it didn’t even make sense for James to know that much.

Despite Janna’s shortcut, which didn’t feel any shorter than the original route and lead us above ground and back under, through three short tunnels and lots of overgrown trees, it was dark when we got back.  James was standing on the steps, arms crossed, almost as if he had been waiting for us to return.  His eyebrows were knitted together, a look that made him even more unreadable than usual.  Concern, perhaps?  When he blocked our path inside, I realized he had, indeed, been waiting for us.  “Janna.”  His voice was firm, disapproving.  “Where were you?”

“I took Lilith out for a day in the city.”  She shrugged and held up the bags; I wondered whether she’d dragged me into the mall just to produce some proof when her over-protective brother started asking questions.

“You’ve been shopping all day?”

“You’ve been waiting for me all day?”  She challenged.  “Lilith is free to go whenever and wherever she wishes.  I thought a day out would be a nice change of pace for her.”

James’ eye sharpened on her, and Janna straightened a little.  Their family drama didn’t appeal to me; I moved to push past James.  He stepped in front of me at the last second, so that I ran into him.  Our collision knocked me off my balance, but he steadied me, and with a hand still on my arm, asked me, “Are you okay?”  The weight of his touch was strange, different then it had been before. 

Was I okay?  I considered the question a moment too long, wondering whether he actually cared.  I stood on an uncomfortable plane of existence with him, teetering somewhere in the unknown.  Did I hate him still for the circumstances that had drawn us together, or had our brief tolerance of each other changed things?  I appraised him, trying to see what exactly those eyes were hiding.  He offered me no lead, maybe because he didn’t know how we should treat each other either.

“I’m fine.”  He watched me hesitantly, and then let go.  I pushed past him and took the stairs two at a time.  Just before I opened the door, I heard him ask his sister in a low voice what she had done to me.  Janna’s reply was swallowed when it closed. 

I flopped down on my bed, trying to imagine them talking about me.  What had James said to her, about Xian?  How had he figured it out?  I didn’t like the idea of them sitting together, discussing my past, my present, and my future, all without me.  Janna wanted me to berate Katie for not taking control of her life, wanted me to be all the proof Katie would need that you could walk away and live to talk about it.  But I had walked away, I had taken control of my life, and it still felt as out of control as ever.

I slept well into the morning, showered, and curled onto the window seat with the diary of the stranger, allowing the words of a dreamer to wash over me.  It was how James found me.

“Lilith?”

I jumped at his sudden intrusion and felt my face redden at having been caught.  He moved closer, his tentative smile slipping when his eyes fell on the book I’d slammed shut.  “Where did you get that?”  His voice quivered just the slightest bit, with something I couldn’t name…anger?  But I’d been witness to his anger.  This was different, whatever it was.  It did not scare me as his rage had; instead it sparked my curiosity. 

“It was on the bookshelf.”  I gestured vaguely to the corner, but his eyes stayed trained on me.

James held out an upturned hand and with great reluctance, I relinquished it.  The way that he eyed the book, as though it were some evil form of witchcraft, only made my curiosity grow.  “You know who wrote that,”  I accused.

“Yeah,” He agreed, turning it over in his hands.  His voice was distant, his mind in another place.  “I do.”

“Who?”  I demanded.  “Was it another person that you trapped here?”  James was quiet.  “Was it another prisoner?”  I repeated, my voice rising with the indignation of that idea. 

“What?”  James looked up, his face a mask of confusion.  “No, of course not.”

“Well it sure sounded like it...”

Seemingly coming back into himself, James shook his head and tucked the book away within his jacket.  “I thought we could have lunch.” He was very obviously changing the subject.  I didn’t want to be pleasant or have lunch with him…not after he’d taken the journal from me and withheld information I so desperately needed.   But he was here, and he was making an effort.  So I would too.

I’d expected to take our lunch in the massive dining hall, but he led me outside.  It was a beautiful day, unusually warm given the recent weather.  We walked past the gardens and as we strolled through the grounds, I inhaled the scents once again that trailed on the wind, growing stronger as we drew nearer to the rose wall.  James led me through the break in the hedges, and I hesitated for a moment. 

I didn’t yet know his intentions.  He’d attempted to bargain with my life, he’d bitten me, and he’d kept secrets.  And now he was leading me away from the house with the expectation that I blindly follow him through the shrubs.  It wouldn’t be the worst decision I’d ever made, but I didn’t know what awaited me inside. 

Answers.

James read my uncertainty and offered me a hand.  Even in the crisp afternoon, the warmth that it offered was enticing.  His fingers laced through mine when I took it. 

The temperature only dropped as we descended into the path lined by the tall bushes, the weak sun spilling into the corridor from far above.  I was grateful to have him standing close, to be able to appreciate the warmth that rolled off him in waves, and stepped a tiny amount closer.  He didn’t give any indication that he noticed. 

It wasn’t until we turned at the end of that path and were met with a fork in the shrubs that I realized we were not sandwiched between simply crafted walls of shrubbery, but in the middle of something bigger…a labyrinth.  My heart hammered at the idea of what this could mean, but I couldn’t bite back my surprise.  “It’s a maze.” 

Of course he knew that, but I couldn’t help stating the obvious.

“The whole property is built around it,” He nodded.  “The moon rose serves as protection from the vampires.  The maze…well, I guess you could say that’s more of a protection from humans.”

I didn’t question it, but then, I didn’t need to.  Just as the vampires needed their own brand of protection against the humans, so did the werewolves.  Whereas father had attained his protection through isolation and myths of curses and ghosts, the werewolves had attained theirs through a maze of shrubs, which undoubtedly obscured the house from view and offered a sort of deterrent for the general population. 

“There are stories that have been passed down for centuries,” James explained.  “About this maze.  It has been said that once you enter it, you’ll never be seen again.  It has prompted a few brazen young adults over the years to venture in here…mostly lovers seeking a thrill in the night.”

“And were they ever seen again?”  Malice slipped into my voice like a knife through butter; effortlessly. 

James laughed.  “They all made it safely home again, after wandering endlessly through the maze and being convinced they would starve to death.  Some experienced hikers have gotten hopelessly lost in here…it has certainly helped tame the desire for anyone to come explore.  The moon rose…well, I wouldn’t say it’s a drug…but it has been said to produce some pretty terrifying imaginings.”

I gave one of the buds special consideration as we passed, trying to imagine how something so small, so seemingly innocuous, could serve as a poison.  How could this little rose bud protect them against the likes of Xian, of my father, and how did they have so much faith in it? 

Several turns later, we reached a narrowing of the corridor, at the end of which there was an archway weighed down with flowers.  I followed James through it, entranced by the unimaginable beauty of the blossoms, so that I did not immediately notice the bistro table set upon the concrete, bearing a small but delightful spread of food.  It looked deceptively romantic, but this was my enemy.  We could barely even look at each other.  Surely this wasn’t a date?

I turned suspicious eyes upon James as he pulled out one of the chairs and waited for me to sit before positioning himself opposite me.  He smiled as though in response to my unspoken questions.  “I hope this doesn’t seem too forward, but I thought that perhaps it was time we really get to know each other.”

“Oh?”  I glanced over the courtyard, at the practically enchanted flowers and the charming table.  It was deceptively sweet.  And naturally, that was cause for alarm.

“I don’t mean to pry,” He explained.  “But I know there are many things left unspoken between us.  We can’t go on acting like nothing more than passing strangers.”

My suspicion couldn’t be explained away that easily.  “Well, if its trade secrets you’re after, you’ve got the wrong girl.  You saw firsthand, I mean nothing to them.”  I meant it as a joke but there was hint of suspicion in my voice that stopped it from sounding too innocuous.

“I’m not after trade secrets, Lilith.”  The sincerity in his voice was a reflection of what I found in his eyes.  “I brought you here because this has always been my favorite place to go, whenever I was overwhelmed or angry or sad.  This courtyard has seen every side of me there is, and I just figured that it was the best place for me to become vulnerable to you.”

“You want to become vulnerable to me?”  It was a strange thing for him to say.  I thought of how he refused to show any kind of emotion around me…how he was quiet and sparse.  It was even stranger for me to try and understand, as I’d spent my entire life safeguarding against any hints of vulnerability.

“I want you to trust me,” James urged. “If that means telling you everything about me, that’s what I’ll do.  I hope that you would reciprocate.”

I opened my mouth, prepared to tell him that he’d better not hold his breath, but ended up saying, “You can try.”

“Thank you.”

Busying myself with buttering my toast served as a good distraction, but after a moment of silence I had to look up and meet his eyes, which were upon me with a level look.  “What?”  I demanded, immediately feeling my walls rise a little.

“There are so many things I want to ask you.”  The honesty of the statement was a little disarming, but I straightened. 

“You first.”

James nodded.  Even he knew it was only fair that he try to give me some answers about this tangled mess that was my life.  “What do you want to know?”

What did I want to know?  Ha.  It was probably easier just to ask what I didn’t want to know.  Even so, I gave voice to the first thought that crossed my mind.  It was probably the one inconsequential question I had, but all the same, it had been bothering me.

“The first time I had dinner with you, there was a girl.  Janna told me her name was...Delia?”

“Delilah.”  He corrected.  His voice was flat but patient and I suspected Delilah was not a subject he enjoyed discussing.

“Yes.  Janna told me something I didn’t understand.  She thinks, perhaps, that Delilah was…is… jealous of me.”  Just saying that made my face heat up, and I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair as I waited for an answer.

James shrugged.  “I’m sure that is probably true.  Janna has always been better at discerning those sorts of things than I.”

It was the answer I’d expected, but not the one I’d wanted.  “Why?”

James broke eye contact, turning to examine the flowers climbing the trellis without really seeing them.  “There are several possible reasons, Lilith.  I’m not an adolescent-minded girl, so I couldn’t really tell you.”

“You know something.”  I prodded.

A sigh escaped him, and I watched his hands lock together.  I hadn’t realized that they were quite rugged, or at least more-so than I expected from someone who claimed to be royalty.  I wondered what he did in his spare time, if maybe the scratches and dirt were from gardening.  Would that make him more likeable, or less?  It certainly would give me something to tease him about, but I doubted that if he did garden he would care if I mocked him for it.  “This wasn’t what I had imagined we’d be discussing.  But the most obvious answer is one I suspect you could have gleaned on your own by simply looking in a mirror.”

My stomach tightened at the mention of a mirror, thoughts darting to the pale crescent-shaped marks on my neck.  The ground through the glass table top suddenly seemed extraordinary, and I stared at it, my cheeks hot even though a gust of wind slapped them.

“You’re beautiful.”  It wasn’t what I had expected, and my head swiveled up, my eyes accusing him of lies.  He seemed sincere, but I laughed.  “It’s true.”  He said a little more forceful than necessary.  “Delilah is desirable,” For some reason, his admission actually caused me a twinge of jealousy, and I looked away again in an effort to conceal that fact from him.  I did not know the meaning of it…I didn’t need him trying to decipher that reaction.  “But you have a sort of radiance, Lilith, that is all your own.  You draw every eye to you, and I know you can’t see it, but it’s certainly something to be envied.”

I shook my head, unable to understand how that long-legged girl with silky hair and caramel eyes could envy me, her polar opposite of plain and pale and dull.  Frankly, it wasn’t even something I wanted to discuss.  I switched tack, sorry I’d even brought it up.  “Ok.  What did you tell your sister about me…and Xian?”

“Xian?”  He blinked.  “Who is that?”

Who is that?  I stared at him, but he didn’t seem to be bluffing.  I didn’t know how to answer that question.  “The man the other day…when you took me back to the vampires.”

“Oh.”  His face soured a little.  “The one you kissed?  I assume he’s your boyfriend.”  He looked down at his tea swirling around at the bottom of his mug, but glanced back up in time to see my face absolve into disgust. 

“No.”  I said.  I shuddered, because the thought of returning to that was truly revolting.  I thought of Katie. 

“I didn’t mention anything to Janna about him.  I had basically forgotten about him.  Why?”

He seemed to be telling the truth.  And if he didn’t know, I wasn’t about to tell him.  “The diary.  You know who that belonged to.”  I gestured towards the inside of his coat, where that book was tucked away like a secret that James didn’t want me to know about.  He wanted to be vulnerable to me, and I to him, but it was clear that that wasn’t in the cards today. 

James tensed an infinitesimal amount, but I noticed it all the same.  He spoke with an air of finality, making it obvious that he would say nothing more on the matter.  And he didn’t have the chance, because just before I could say anything more, Janna burst into the courtyard, breathless.

“It’s Julius!”  She panted, and without needing to hear anything more, James tore out of the courtyard at a speed I’d have never expected possible.

I looked at Janna a moment longer, and then stood up in a daze.  “There’s a vampire out there, Lilith.”  There was something in her eyes that I couldn’t identify.  Storm clouds seemed to move through them, pushed through by the fury of her thoughts.  She was connecting the dots, recognizing the man she’d somehow heard of with the one she’d just seen.  “He said he came for you.”

My mouth went dry.  Speak of the devil, and he shall come.  “Xian?”

“Come on,” She grabbed my hand and led me in a hurry back through the labyrinth, until we emerged in an expanse of land that seemed unfamiliar to me. The forest was across from us.

I saw him leaning against an oak tree, its branches encapsulating him in their shade so that I couldn’t see his face…until he noticed me and took a step forward.  He was too far away to be certain, but he seemed to be smiling as though something were about to happen.  He had a terrible poker face, if nothing else…in that snide look, he showed me his cards.

I stood paralyzed with fear, and looked for James.  That’s when I noticed the giant wolves racing toward Xian, who widened his stance, braced for the attack.  “Stop!”  I breathed, but it was not nearly as loud as I’d intended.