The Celestial Kiss (26 page)

Xian’s threat tortured my thoughts.  James had said he had to see his mother, and when I baldly refused to go with him, ditched me in my room.  Janna apologetically informed me that she was dead tired and slipped off to her own room.  Just like that, I was alone again.  Even my dear friend sleep didn’t want anything to do with me.  Or else, my thoughts didn’t want anything to do with sleep. 

I didn’t know what Xian had meant when he said that James would regret it, but I did know Xian.  When it came to power, he was undeniably true to his word.  Once he’d attained what he wanted, however, his word was worthless.  Xian wanted me, and I still couldn’t figure out why.  At one point, I’d assumed his intent was to get my father in his pocket by controlling me.  Now, my father could not have cared any less what happened to me.  I’d have thought Xian’s obsession with me would have ended when my father’s patience with me had ended.  That it hadn’t been laid to rest was troubling to me.

Of course, it wasn’t love that he felt for me.  It couldn’t have been.  He’d claimed it was before, a couple of times, and I’d believed him.  I knew better now.  Xian was cold in every manner of the word.  He didn’t even know what love was.  If he was telling the truth, then circumstances would have been different.  If he really had loved me, he wouldn’t have pushed me this hard.  If he cared about me
at all,
I’d probably never have met James…

No.  Xian had a reason for wanting me, and it was not even slightly obvious.  That was disconcerting in and of itself, but there was something else that weighed on my mind.  Just two weeks ago, father had vehemently denied James’ proposal.  Last week, Janna said that she’d renegotiated with my father.  Now, suddenly, he was sending Xian to retract his earlier refusal?  And there was another thing… He was sending Xian to do his dirty work… the only kind of work that he actually liked.

No, Father was stubborn.  I had a hard time believing that he had really changed his mind.  Moreover, I had a hard time believing that he would send Xian to fetch me.  He was too prideful.  Sending a third party onto werewolf territory only seemed cowardly, and father wouldn’t have anyone think him a coward.  Nothing about it seemed right, but I couldn’t figure out exactly what was wrong about it either. 

All of those concerns pressed in and around my brain until I couldn’t handle it any longer.  After spending all day locked in the study, my lungs ached for fresh air.   Though the sky had threatened rain all day, it hadn’t followed through yet.  I wanted to make it back before it got the chance.

It was late, and silent as a crypt except for the noise I made trying to sneak out without waking anybody.  There was a door open up the hall, giving me cause to move extra stealthily.  A faint light, probably from a flickering candle, caught my attention.  I’d probably not have thought much about it, except for that as I passed I caught a drift of Janna’s voice.  She was speaking in a language I didn’t understand, presumably the same one that James had spoken at the funeral.  Something about her tone of voice, the way the words sounded, was almost…seductive.  I didn’t catch the whole of what she was saying, but I tuned in just in time to hear her say my name, and then after a few seconds, “Please.”

              The silence that followed it felt heavy, almost stifling enough that I wanted to make my presence known.  Before I could, a sigh punctured the quiet.  “I know it’s the right thing to do, but I don’t put much stock into things like what’s right and fair.”  The voice was male; the switch to English was welcome.

              “I know.”  Janna’s voice was subdued, less intense now.  “But if for nothing else, do it for me.  I know it’s strange, but it’s important to me.”

              When her companion responded, it was in that foreign tongue, and I didn’t see what any of it had to do with me.  Janna laughed.  “You know you can’t resist something that makes me happy.”

I pulled away from the wall, inexplicably uncomfortable.  The conversation didn’t concern me anymore, and I had no right listening in as it was.  I forced myself to carry on down the hall, trying to recognize where I’d heard that voice.  I’d met so many new people in the last few weeks, which made deciphering one from the other next to impossible.  And yet something told me I should know who it was.

I’d meant to go to the courtyard and sit on the bench where James and I had lunch the day his father died, but with the sky’s impending upheaval, it seemed wise to stay close.  It seemed I wasn’t the only one in need of some fresh air.  James sat on the edge of the fountain, hands folded in his lap.  He stayed still as I moved to stand next to him, staring out at the hazily illuminated trees.  He seemed to be deep in thought, so I stared out there and considered the boundaries too.

Everything beyond the first line of trees was dark and indecipherable.  But I knew they were out there; the first line of defense.  Cam and Iz and Desmond, Connor, and the others I hadn’t been introduced to.  They were out there, and possibly with a traitor among them.  Hell, one of them could even be the traitor who had helped Xian get in.

“You couldn’t sleep either?”  James asked.  Pale light glanced off his tanned skin, making him practically glow around the edges.  I shook my head.  James unfolded himself and held out an arm.  I needed no further invitation to sit curled against his chest.  Both of his arms wrapped around me, forming a circle that felt to me safer than anything possible.

Just days ago we’d been playing hot and cold.  I’d seen his flaws and his strengths long before and been both repulsed and attracted.  Pressing my body into his now felt both right and not real, as though it were the quasi-dream-like state that closely precedes sleep.  I didn’t understand the evolution of my own feelings, whether they were forced upon me or pulled up from some place I didn’t realize even existed.  But with him there, it didn’t feel necessary to question it. 

I was silent for a long while, reveling in the comfort of his touch, but after a while I had to make my doubts known.  I couldn’t cheat him by pretending I was care-free, when I was in reality anything but.    “He meant what he said, James.  Xian won’t stop.”

I said it quietly, so that I almost wondered if James even heard me.  He was quiet for a couple of seconds and then let go of a reluctant sigh, “I know.”

I was grateful that James couldn’t see my face.  The fear there had to be all too palpable.  The racing of my heart was bad enough, whether it be brought on by our proximity or my anxiety over Xian’s intentions.  “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know yet,” James admitted.  My lip trembled; I inhaled a shaky breath, forcing myself to peel away from him so I could turn and look him in the face.  I grabbed his hand instead, admiring the way it wrapped so completely over mine. 

“I’m scared.” 

I hated admitting that, but if there was anybody I could trust, it had to be James.  Just a few days before I wouldn’t have been able to say that, but something had changed now; I could feel it. 

“I won’t let him hurt you.”  James said, brushing a lock of hair away from my face.

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”  I shook my head.  “Xian can do nothing to hurt me that he hasn’t already done.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m worried about what he’ll do to you, to your people, your family.  He is capable of so much.”

“I know.  I hope you realize…whatever happened in your past, you can tell me.  Whatever he did to you.”

The offer caught me off guard; I stared dumbly at him a second before looking away.  James turned me back to him.  His face was soft, imploring me to trust him.  “Nothing I can’t live through.”  I feigned a smile that wavered around the edges and was gone too soon.

But James wasn’t satisfied with that answer.  He kept looking at me, as if he were trying to figure it out for himself.  My past was part of me…a gnarled, forsaken part of me, but one all the same.  “It’s tragically cliché.  I thought I loved him when I was too naïve to know what love was.  And he took advantage of that.”

“You mean you.”  James said flatly.  “He took advantage of
you
.” 

It was an uncomfortable truth.  I bit my lip.  “He was stupid enough to think I would stick around no matter what.  But you don’t tell someone you love them one minute, and then hurt them the next.  I thought it was okay for a long time.  My own father wasn’t much different, claiming tough love whenever he brushed me off. ” Talking about this made me uncomfortable.  I’d never discussed it with anyone.  Occasionally we’d get caught in a compromising position, but most of my brothers and sisters were happy to look the other way.  They didn’t question the bruises or the bite marks, and they didn’t object to my already scant presence waning.  They only knew that when he’d first arrived, I had changed from the naïve and hopeless girl.  I’d become stronger in his presence, apt to see them all in a new light.  They had noticed back then that I was more social, that I went to their parties and listened to their stories.  They
didn’t
notice when I stopped doing that.  In fact, by the time Xian and I ended things just a few months ago, nobody wondered what happened. 

This had been my private shame for so long that sharing it with James felt weird.  I didn’t like that it made me sound helpless.  Or, for that matter, that it made me
feel
helpless.  I looked down and noticed the book in James’ lap.

He followed my gaze, flipping it over in his hands.  “It was my sister’s.  I took it from you because it belonged to Jocelyn, and I didn’t want to share it.  But more than that, I didn’t want you to know about her.”  He held it out for me to take, so I did.  “It was cowardly, Lilith, but I didn’t want you to know what happened to her because I didn’t want you to know what could happen to you.  I wanted you to have some kind of hope that we could fix it…that I could fix it.  I still want you to believe in me.  I’m not done trying yet.”

I didn’t know if it was normal that I had a limited time left to live, and yet I spent it worrying about what would happen to everyone else when I was gone. Probably not.  But then I hadn’t cared about what happened to me for a while.  The only difference was that now I had something to lose.  I clutched Jocelyn’s journal between my hands.  Had she felt the same?

“I am giving it back to you now because I read it all.”  James’ voice broke the silence.  “I wish I hadn’t.  If she had wanted me to know those things, she would have told me.  But I can’t go back, and I think that it might…help you.”

“Help me?”  How could she help me when she’d been dead for two years?  I didn’t dare say that aloud.

James took my hand; I witnessed in that moment a very rare, fleeting glimpse of vulnerability.  “I don’t know what you’ve been through, or understand what you’re going through, but I think Joss would have.  I think you have more in common than even you initially thought.”

“James…”  I started, thinking of all the reasons why he shouldn’t say that, why I didn’t want to be like his deceased sister.  I let them dissolve on my tongue.  “Thank you.”

              James was alight with a new kind of intensity.  “I will not let him hurt you again, Lilith.  Not ever.”

I shook my head, for lack of anything to say, but James enveloped me into a hug.  The warmth of that, at least, chased away the cold that had seemed to take up residence in my bones.  My heart constricted with the passion of his words.  A knot had found its way into my throat, which felt like sandpaper, but I finally managed to admit what had been weighing on my mind all day.  “It’s you I’m worried about.”

“Me?”  James’ dark eyebrows knitted together.  “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Whatever Xian aims to do…it’s not good.  I don’t know why he thinks he wants me, but I know that he won’t stop fighting until I’m dead… or he is.”

“And I won’t stop fighting until he’s dead, or I am.”

“James,” I shook my head, but didn’t have a chance to finish my warning.

“If he starts a fight, I’ll finish it.”

“And in doing so, you’ll start a war!”  I pulled away a bit so he could see just how serious I was.  “I’m not worth that.”

“You’re worth more than you know,” He said softly.  “Whatever happens between the vampires and werewolves isn’t because of you.  This has been a long time coming.”

“I won’t watch him tear this town apart.”  It was a warning.  If the situation got bad, I would do whatever was necessary to keep things from unraveling.

“And I won’t let that happen, Lilith.”  James pursed his lips together.  He knew I was right.  “I can promise you this.  The only way we will go to war is if he violates the accords.  He got a pass for coming into my home because I did the same to him.”

His words didn’t serve their purpose; I still felt nauseous with thoughts of what he could do to make life miserable for the werewolves.  An idea had been toying at the back of my brain.  It was not necessarily the route I wanted to take, but it was the one that was righteous.  “We can stop this before it starts…  It’s as easy as letting me go.”

He shook his head without missing a beat.  “Letting you go wouldn’t be easy.”

“What’s easy and what’s right are often two different things.”  I reminded him.

“Do you
want
to go, Lilith?”

“Of course I don’t!”  I snapped, offended by the very idea of what he insinuated.  “But I’m willing to do whatever I have to.”