The Celestial Kiss (28 page)

I didn’t even notice James move away from me while I slept; something about it left me feeling cheated when I woke up alone. 

I pulled a fresh shirt over my head and slipped into jeans before going to the cellar where we’d left the woman last night.  There was someone in the hall, and when I got close enough I could see it was Desmond.  He stood with his arms crossed and his eyes flitted over me casually.  “Good morning.  James told me you’d show up.”  He cracked a grin.

Desmond had a way of making you want to smile and be pleasant in return, but it didn’t come naturally for me. “I want to see her.”  I nodded at the door he barred.

“I am not to allow anyone inside without the King.  I’m sorry.”

I rolled my eyes.  “Is she at least still alive?  Is she ok?”

“She is alive.”  He nodded.  “The screaming stopped about four o clock this morning.  She’s been resting since.”

“Four o’ clock?”  So I hadn’t imagined it.  “Has James had you standing here all night?”

“I’m here on the authority of Julius.  But yes, I’ve been here all night.”

Julius.  Of course.  “Fine.  Do you need anything?  Something to eat?”

Desmond smiled.  “You have a good heart.  Janna has already brought me breakfast, but I thank you.”

My plans thwarted, and breakfast missed, I went off in search of Janna, but she was nowhere to be found.  I considered going to the library again and at least trying to find something useful in the pursuit of saving my life.  But I didn’t relish the idea, and then it occurred to me that Jocelyn’s diary was still where I’d left it on the mahogany dresser the night before. 

I considered letting it stay there untouched.  I wasn’t certain I wanted to know where this was headed, or whether it would make me feel better.  But I did know there wasn’t much that could make matters
worse
.

The pages slipped through my fingers like falling leaves; I knew the exact spot that I needed.  Three quarters of the way through the journal, the pages were bloated and wrinkled from having been constantly touched.  The ink smeared in random spots, webbing out like unintentional stories from each tear-stained letter.  I could practically see her, dark hair hanging around her face like a curtain, tears slipping down the bridge of her nose, and dropping on the paper to tell the story she wouldn’t.

I remember when I was practicing literature.  Somebody somewhere once said about writing that you sit down to tell your story and you open a vein.  It never made sense before, but now that I think about it, now that I’m actually going to admit what happened, it seems astonishingly accurate.  I don’t want to tear open a vein.  I’ve tormented myself enough.  But I know my choices are also limited, and I’ve only got myself to blame for that.

My damnable pride.  Everybody knows what happened—or at least, they believe they do.  But I couldn’t tell them the truth, much less continue to talk about it.  I’m supposed to be the strong one—the queen, a picture of indomitable strength.  I don’t want to leech this upon my brothers, my parents, especially not Janna or Olias.  The most important people to me can never know what truly happened, or else they would crumble.  I will not take them down with me.

But I have no one to confide in.  I never have…It’s a hard thing to come by when you’re entrusted with a kind of power, a responsibility so heavy that it’s already oppressive.  I know I need to cut myself—not physically, but mentally.  I need to lay it all bare,
everything
, and go from there.  If I ever have any hope of recovering, I need this.

I can’t help wonder if my pride and my affair of the heart got me into this situation.  They are both, after all, a sin.  If I had gone another way that night, or not gone out at all, would the same thing still have happened?  I want so say no, but I believe so.  Everything has always seemed to happen for a reason—doors close so that you learn to walk away, people hurt you so that you can learn to be strong, the innocent die because… 

Actually, I’ve never been able to justify that one.

I felt him watching me before I saw him, even before I caught the smell in the wind of rotting flesh, of whatever decaying humanity he may have claimed in a past life.  It was a smell I knew in my deepest, most primal instincts, poorly concealed by an over-priced cologne.

Everything about him is so vivid.  He is my most beautiful nightmare, the purveyor of my private hell.  His eyes, hard and uncaring, are the things that wake me, sweating, in the middle of the night, silently screaming Olias’ name, never loud enough to be heard.

He wasn’t part of Arich’s group.  In fact, there was a good chance he was older than Arich.  Something about the planes of his face, sculpted and harsh and angular, and the way that he moved with a purpose, suggested he’d been like this for centuries.  And that was, perhaps, the most horrifying thing about him.

I didn’t stand a chance to outrun him, and he was upon me even before I could shift, his fangs piercing into my neck with a slow, practiced control.  I knew then it wasn’t about his survival or an uncontrollable frenzy.  It was about the way it made him feel, like a God capable of anything, leaving me paralyzed under him, too weak to move, too strong to close my eyes and imagine myself elsewhere.  He wasn’t a murderer—he was worse, inflicting torture upon others for some animalistic pleasure.  I wish he’d killed me… that would have been easier.  But that wouldn’t have been nearly as fun for him; he kissed me, dropping his lips to my ear and stared straight into my eyes when he whispered to me something that gives me chills even now...his name.  “Remember it.”  He commanded, smirking.

“Why?”  I asked, because it didn’t make sense that he would leave me alive when I felt so close to death, much less tell me his name.

“You’re just another broken toy now, but you’re my broken toy.  You belong to me, and I’ll not let you forget it.”

The words blurred before me before I could finish the entry, like viewing them through a haze of smoke.  The book tumbled from my shaking hands and closed with a harsh snap on the ground.  I barely made it to the trashcan in time to vomit.

James had impeccable timing.  He managed to come in just as I was retching over the trash, dry-heaving because I’d already been at this for too long.  Every time I thought of him, a new wave would wash over me.  “What’s wrong?”  James demanded, closing the distance between us in a heartbeat.  In the next, he had his hands on my shoulders, his eyes full of concern. 

“It was him,” I managed, exhausted.  I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see his reaction, and then opened them because I couldn’t avoid it.  “Xian.”

James tensed visibly, his jaw clenching.  “What did he do to you?”  My eyes were so heavy, my mind so full.  How was I supposed to explain any of this?  “Lilith?”  He prodded, unable to hide an undercurrent of hysteria. 

But I couldn’t answer him.  I didn’t even know the answer myself.  I couldn’t fathom how he still had control over me, though he repulsed me.  How did he manage to still cause me anxiety, to break my heart over again, to make me scared to close my eyes?  James folded himself against me, and I let myself lean against him so that we sat in an awkward tangle of limbs on the hardwood floor; I needed his strength.  “You’re shaking.”  He said, pressing his arms tighter around me.  “You don’t have to be afraid of him.”  James seemed to have read my mind.  “And you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.  But I’m here for you.” 

I nodded against him, and we sat like that for a while, well past the point where my legs started to ache from being curled up in an unusual display of angles.  I didn’t know how to tell him…there might never be a good way to share this burden, but he was here offering to help ease it.  That was enough.  “Xian is the one.”  I mumbled.  “He bit Jocelyn.  He killed your sister.”

James was silent for an impossibly long moment before I felt him stand.  I was scared to look at him, to see the hurt and anger and hatred churning in him, but instead he fixed me with a look of deadly calm.  “James?” 

“Relax, Lilith,” He pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead.  My hand slipped from his as he stood.  “I won’t be long.”

“Where are you going?”  I demanded.  “Don’t do anything you’re going to regret.”

“I won’t regret this.”

“James,” I tried again.  He had the door shut behind him before I could even struggle to my feet.  The hall was empty when I opened the door, as if he’d never been there at all.

Jocelyn’s journal in the corner haunted me; I wanted to read more, to know the events leading to the end of her story…our story… but I couldn’t keep reading.  Not yet.  As disgusted as I was by what I’d learned, as angry as I was at James for leaving me here, I was seething with hatred.  I’d been through every possible emotion with Xian…he’d put me through the ringer even before I’d forsaken him.  And still, not until that very moment did I feel such a toxic hatred for him.  It swelled up inside me, turning everything black until I could almost feel myself rotting from the inside out with it. 

That poison spread from one thought to another, tainting everything it could touch until I knew what needed done.  I had to stop him…I just might be the only person able to get close enough to stand a chance. 

James,

Please forgive me.

I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.

Thank you.

I love you.

              James still wasn’t back.  For all I knew, he was with Xian now.  For all I knew, he was dead.  They were silly things to think.  In fact, all of my thoughts seemed stupid.  I couldn’t articulate a thing to say to him, so I wadded the paper up and decided maybe some things were better left unsaid.  He would figure it out when he got back and saw the empty room.

“Lilith!”  Janna’s voice chased me down the hall before I’d even taken three steps out the door.  “I’m happy to see you.  I need to talk.”

I glanced at the window, where the sun was starting to slip away.  There wasn’t time.  I’d already waited too long in hopes of having some sort of goodbye.  “I was just going for a walk.”  I lied.  “What is it?”

“A walk sounds good.”  She looked around like she was expecting someone, though the house was still as usual.  “Outside.”

“Well…”  I hesitated.  “I don’t have long.”

“It won’t take long.”  Janna promised. She looked nervous, and I couldn’t help but wonder what was so urgent.

She was quiet the whole way downstairs, refusing to answer my questions even when I told her she was staring to worry me.  As soon as the door shut behind us, I rounded on her.  “Janna!”  I snapped.  “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m scared…”  She laughed.  “It’s silly.” 

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened.” I tried my best not to sound like her mother, but her illusory answer didn’t give me a lot to go on.

She hefted a sigh.  “I’m…I’m in love with my sister’s boyfriend.”  She lifted her eyes very cautiously to mine, gauging my reaction.  I could feel the guilt radiating off of her, like a red, indomitable heat that threatened to sweep me in with it.

I blinked.  “Olias?”

“Of course, Olias.”  She moaned, covering her face with her hands.  Her words were muffled when she asked, “Who else?”

I thought back to hearing her last night…her voice had seemed flirtatious then.  I had not really considered it, but now it made sense.  She’d suggested that Olias might know something…that he could help us for the right price.  “You can’t be serious.”

Janna scowled, a furrow forming between her expertly shaped eyebrows.  “Don’t mock me, Lilith.  You’re my friend.  You’re supposed to be supportive about this stuff.”

“Yeah, well, I’m new at this friend thing.” 

A groan split the quiet night.  Janna dropped her face into her hands, defeated; a curtain of dark hair separated her from my judgment.  “Oh God.  I’m done for.  Julius will kill me.  My
mother
will kill me.  Quick, tell me it will be alright!”

I rolled my eyes, only because she couldn’t see me, but she would have heard the scream I wanted to let loose.  “What even led you to realize this?”  I pulled her hands from her face, and she looked at me with those wide brown eyes full of fear.  A single tear track marked her cheek.    “I mean, are you sure that you
really
love him?”

“We’ve been seeing each other since the night of the funeral.”

“Janna!”  I couldn’t bite back my shock.  Nor could I keep the repulsion off my face.

“Don’t you judge me, Lilith.  The funeral brought back a lot of painful memories for both of us, and I don’t know what happened, but we just sort of fell together.”

I remembered her drinking, laughing.  She’d covered her pain well.  “Ok.”  I said.  “First things first, stop crying.”

“I’m not crying!”  Janna straightened, wiping at her face indignantly. 

“Olias should be leaving soon, right?  So maybe this will sort itself out?”

Janna studied me until deciding I was serious.  Then her eyes narrowed with something like disgust.  “That’s what you think?”  She snapped.  “That he will just leave and everything will go back to normal?”  My silence answered for me.  She laughed, an unusually harsh sound, and jumped to her feet.  “I was wrong about you.”  The revelation was sour, proven by the twist of her lips.  “All this time I thought you would change things.  I thought you could change
us
.  But you can’t change anything, Lilith, because you refuse to do anything to help yourself.  You were running from your problems from the minute you came into James’ life.  I should have known… it’s who you are, what you do.  If something gets tough, you back down.  You run away without looking back.  And you always will.  But the worst thing is you expect that’s what other people should do too.”  She shook her head, and I saw another silver tear roll down her cheek.  “You’re pathetic!” 

She turned on her heel and ran, so fast that I lost track of which way she even went.  The right thing to do would be to follow her, to apologize for taking her admission so casually, to listen to what she had to say.  But I couldn’t move.  Her words had cut me in a way I wasn’t used to…they made me ache straight to the bone.  No, it wasn’t her words…it was the truth behind them.  Even as she had tried to tell me about her worries, seeking comfort, I had been impatient, thinking of running.  It was exhausting, all this running away.  But it needed done, one last time.

I stood and nearly fell over when a sudden rush of wind knocked me off balance.  A tell-tale chill inched along my spine, but by the time I turned, I was alone.  There was only the statuesque wolves and trickling fountain.  A piece of paper, folded crisply in half, lay where I’d just been sitting.

I unfolded it with trembling fingers; I knew that handwriting, the way it screamed of a practiced hand, one that had required centuries to perfect the loops and edges of a gothic style.

What’s a King without his Queen?  I have something that belongs to the beasts you’re residing with.  Coincidentally, they have you. You see where I’m going with this?  If you don’t want your new friends becoming orphans, you’d best make sure I get what belongs to me.  Come home to me, Lilith, and I will let the old woman go.  I was rather fond of that girl…she reminded me of her sister.  If you don’t come fetch the red-head, then the little one is next.  With love,

Xian.

I read it twice and then stared at the paper. 

I’d have thought he was bluffing, but for the simple fact that the queen hadn’t been at dinner.  My stomach sank.  He’d caused their father’s death, he’d killed their sister, and now he had their mother? 

Xian had been here, behind me, just as he had been the night before.  James was nowhere to be found.  He could have killed me there or dragged me back himself.  Instead, he was forcing my hand, making me play his game.   

I knew my way through the maze by now.  Even with panic sitting on my chest, I made it through.  Alone in the woods again, my panic only grew with a spike of adrenaline.  He was going to kill her.  Xian was many things, each one more horrid than the next, but he wasn’t a liar.  His word was good, and he’d make due on his promise to kill her.  The fact that he’d not given me a deadline was bad.

I ran as fast as I could.  I ran toward him even more quickly than I’d run away from him, for longer than I’d have imagined possible, dodging obstacles like hanging branches and jumping over fallen logs, my mind a tangled fury of questions.  I thanked the Lord or the nymphs of the forest or whoever had trod a path deep into the heart of the woods.

Where was he keeping her?  How had he gotten her in the first place?  How could my father let this happen?  Each question led me to another one, and the answers were nowhere to be found so I shut down.  I pushed myself until my legs felt like jelly and my vision blurred.  I pushed myself even when I felt I would collapse, when I was sure my lungs would burst, and in spite of the heaving of my chest.  I ran until I felt nothing…until I wasn’t even sure I was still alive.

My feet got twisted up in the roots of an old tree and I fell.  Pain blossomed through me as the wind was knocked out of me.

I’m
s
till alive.
 

But was the queen?  I stared at the sky, trying to see through the canopy of leaves at the top, the corners of my vision turning black.  I could feel something warm and wet trickle down my arm, but the pounding in my head made it seem irrelevant.

Dazed, I lay there, staring into the abyss of night. 

Get up
.

It would be so easy to lay there, to look at the darkness of night until it was indistinguishable from the darkness of my own mind.  I could just forget the world all together…its ugly cruelty, its evil and its pain. 

There was something moving in the trees nearby.  I considered staying there, but I could feel someone was close.  I jumped to my feet to see a young woman.  When she noticed my presence she stopped as though barred from taking another step, staring at me with a wild expression.  Her dark hair clung to her glossy lips.  She opened her mouth to speak, but the language that came out was a far cry from English, and her haste made her tongue thick.  I took a step closer, trying to catch onto whatever she was saying.

A twig snapped and the woman bristled like it was a gunshot.  Xian’s teeth sank into her neck, blood dripping onto the white satin of her dress.  She sagged against him, the life fleeing her svelte body.  “Stop!”  I yelled, trying to steal his attention.  Without moving, he turned his eyes upon me, and against the stranger’s pale neck, his lips quirked into a smile.  “Xian, stop!”  I yelled.  “I’m here!  I’m coming back!”

He pulled away and gave the girl a gentle tap on the shoulder that sent her onto the ground in an immobile heap.  He smiled, licking his lips. “Got my letter, did you love?”

“I’m here.”  I panted, still breathless.  “I’m coming back.”

“Lovely.  Celebrate with a drink?”  His eyes flickered to the body on the ground suggestively.  I shuddered.

“You don’t have to hurt anyone else.”  I pleaded.

“She’s already hurt.  A bit more won’t kill her.  Go ahead.”

“No.”  I shook my head.  “Let’s go home.  I’m tired.” 

“Oh, come now, Lili, you can’t tell me you don’t want it.  Just a little taste...it’s been so long…”

“No.” 

“One sip and all your problems will disappear.”  The appeal of that statement was obviously false.  I didn’t understand what he wanted.  I’d come back to him, just like he wanted.  Was he going to make me send the rest of my short life paying for it?

I stared at him in unabashed disdain.  “Alright, then.”  He closed the space between us and grabbed my hand, lifted my wrist to his lips, and bit.

I couldn’t help but cry out…It wasn’t the first thing I’d expected.  He grinned when our eyes connected and then dragged me toward the woman on the ground.  I stumbled and landed on my knees in a pathetic heap.  “Drink.”  He commanded.

I shook my head.  “Come on.  You need it.  You
deserve
it.”

“I said
no
.”  My voice bore the edge of steel, but Xian was unperturbed by that. 

“Your choice.”  He knelt down, swept the girl into his arms, and found her neck again.  She groaned in pain, but didn’t have any energy to swat him away.  Mere seconds later he pulled away, grabbed my wrist, and pressed it to her mouth.  When I realized his intent I tried to move away, but he pulled me in, squeezing my wrist tighter to allow my blood to drip onto her lips.  A small sound escaped her, a curious mix of pain and pleasure, and he released me.  I scrambled to my feet in horror, staring at the corpse-like figure in his arms.  Any moment she would open her eyes and—

Her eyes flew open as the thought crossed my mind, and she took in her surroundings before sitting up.  Her tongue flicked out over her lips, hungrily sopping up the traces of my blood.  “Welcome back,” Xian said, pushing her away from him with a crooked smile.  He grabbed me again and trudged forward, confident in his direction.  The girl sat there on the ground, still, looking at her hands as if they’d changed.  Her eyes locked on mine, desperate and hungry, but she stayed there still, too weak to move.

My mind was a maelstrom of thoughts: terror and disgust and sorrow.  I didn’t even pay any attention to the path we took.  I only knew that we arrived at the gates in a matter of minutes, and I kept on with him despite my spinning head.  When the door shut, something clicked and I rounded on him.  “What have you done with Calista?”  I demanded.  My fury took precedence over everything else.

“She’s resting.”  He replied coolly.  “Safe.”

“I want to see her.”

“Of course you do.”  He looked amused.  “But first, I think there’s someone else you should see.” 

Xian led me past the staircase.  My heart turned to stone.

He was taking me to my father’s room.  My father, who had publicly disowned me, refusing to negotiate on my behalf.  It was the reason Xian was free to torment me as he had the past few weeks; my Father no longer cared what happened to me.  But had his apathy turned to hatred?  What would he do to me?  Would he kill me or worse?

Xian pushed open the door.  I expected to see my father standing there with his back toward me, too ashamed to even look in my general direction.  But he wasn’t there.  I looked all around the seemingly empty room.  I’d never been here before.  The irony hit me that perhaps that was because this was where you went to die.  “Go on,” Xian prodded.  He leaned casually against the door frame, one leg swung in front of the other, his arms crossed.  “He’s here somewhere.” 

I glared at him, but stepped further into the cavernous chamber, looking around.  There was something strange going on.  I couldn’t quite determine what.  I took another cautious step, but nothing happened.  I turned to tell Xian that the room was empty when I saw it, the hand sticking out from under the bed.  My breath hitched in my chest, but I edged forward with a mounting sense of dread.