The Celestial Kiss (23 page)

“Go.”

I was beginning to suspect that James’ answers were short only to prevent him from losing control. 

“Or was it the story I was about to tell?  You know, Lilith never did get to hear how it ended.”  His eyes flicked to me.  “She was on her way back from business in the city when he attacked her.  She smelled him, of course, but he was quick and smart.  He chased her down, tripped her up, and bit her as a distraction.  Others smelled the blood, and they came too.  And when they were done with her, they left her.  When she had been gone for so long, the others began to get worried, and so they went out to look for her.  I found her.  Do you know what it’s like to see the one you love, reduced to less than a person by the cruel intentions of another?”  He shook his head, answering for me.

  “A week passed and she was okay, back to her strong, esteemed self.  She refused to seek vengeance, and refused to let anybody else seek it on her behalf.  She was very much herself for the weeks following, and we were just beginning to accept life was going to go back to normal when she got sick just before the full moon.  She was hot and cold, shaking.  She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move.  Her skin was pale and her eyes were dull.  We don’t get sick, Lilith.”  He paused for just a second and his eyes locked onto mine.  “She died the night after, when the moon hung in the sky.”

I was cold, disgusted with the story he was telling me.  But I had the feeling I was missing something.  James’ rage had started to fade, subdued by sorrow.  A few tears shone in Delilah’s eyes.  I looked back to Olias.

“When the full moon came, her body began to turn.  See, we have no control over that night.  Other times we choose when we turn, but without fail on the night of the full moon, we
all
transform.  And as she did, her body turned against her.  The genes of the vampires had spread enough.  They were trying to take over.  It was like watching a person go crazy, and try to kill herself.  She ripped at her hair, screamed in agony, clawed at anything she could get her hands on.  Her mind was gone, eaten away by the disease of the vampires you wish to protect.  But just before she died, she seemed to have a moment of clarity.  She ran to the kitchens, grabbed the largest knife she could find, and plunged it straight through her heart.”

It was so quiet I could hear James’ ragged breathing next to me.  The champagne curdled in my stomach.  I was uncertain how much of the story was truthfully represented and how much was just the brutal truth, but it was all awful.

“Do you know what it feels like to be split in half?”  Olias mused.  “That’s what happened to her.  Her body was splitting right down the middle, the two sides of her fighting to get free.  She wasn’t the only one who died that night.  Me and Julius...  She took us with her.”

I was confused, but I didn’t have to say as much.  My heart was hammering, and I didn’t doubt that everyone could hear it in the moment of silence.  “Let me ask you again.”  He said.  “Do you know what it feels like to be ripped in half?”  He was just inches from me now, having closed the gap so that he could probably feel my heartbeat falter.

I couldn’t breathe, much less speak, and so I only shook my head no.  A cold smile crossed his face, but it was not happy or humorous.  More like...pitiful.  “You’ll find out soon enough.”

I shut the door behind me and watched as James paced the room a couple of times.  He was pale and had looked to be on the verge of a breakdown, so I’d taken control and led him to the privacy of his own room.  My plan had been to get him away from Olias as soon as possible.  Now that the mission was accomplished, I wanted to demand answers, but I was still cold all over with the information I’d just received, and James didn’t seem like he’d respond to any questions I asked, much less any that I demanded.  The bed beckoned to me, but I leaned against the door, barring James’ exit and watched him walk the length of the room before turning around and starting again.  After a whole minute had passed, he finally stopped.  His sorrow had transformed back into rage, and it seared in his eyes. 

“That bastard!”  James said through gritted teeth, his fist clenched at his side.  “He just had to show up here.  He had to tell you that!”  James turned and kicked the wall.  I made a conscious effort not to draw back against the door any further. 

“I’m sorry,” I offered, not sure if that was the right thing to say.

“You’re sorry?”  He laughed and polished the effect with a roll of his eyes.  “You can’t apologize for him.  You don’t get to do that.”

“I—” I shut my mouth before anything else could come out.  I had been about to say ‘sorry’ again.  Apparently when my brain was on autopilot, it resorted to apologizing.  I realized my mistake before I made it, and hopefully prevented another outlash.

“Don’t, ok?  Just stop.”

I held my hands up in a show of surrender and edged away from the door to sit on the bed.  He sighed before coming to sit next to me.  I didn’t look at him for fear of scaring him off.  “I guess you’d like some answers now.”  They were the words I’d been so desperately looking for since we’d met, but now I wasn’t so certain I wanted them.

“Whenever you’re ready.”  I chanced a look at him and saw the vestiges of anger disappearing.  He looked like he’d aged since this morning.

“You’ve been staying in her room.  Jocelyn.”  I blinked. 
Jocelyn
.  The girl in the picture with Julius.   The girl who’d been through the same thing as me, the one who I’d been too scared to ask James about.  “She was four minutes older than Julius, and she never let him forget it.  But they were best friends.  I guess that only came from the territory...it was weird, though.  Like they were the same person sometimes.  Obviously they weren’t; they were very different too, for all their similarities.  Julius never wanted me around and Jocelyn took every chance to let me tag along.  He was short tempered...still is...and she was so damn patient it was infuriating.”  He smiled and bit his lip.  I didn’t doubt that the memories were painful to think of, never mind discussing them with me.

“I always felt kind of like an outsider, being three years younger.  But I got to have more fun than them.  Jocelyn was eldest and so she was going to be queen.  Julius was groomed into perfection as the eldest son.  You know, growing up you don’t really think about when you’re going to die.”  There was no need to point out that I had spent many hours fretting over it, and so I only continued to listen.  “We just went through the motions, did our jobs.  We knew she would be queen one day, but we weren’t worried about it.  Father was in good health and she had no problem finding a suitor.  Olias had been her friend since his family relocated here when they were barely teenagers.  They were inseparable, and they were good together.  They were already matched and marked.  Our job is never done, though, and Jocelyn had gotten wind of a massive trafficking.  The problem was already resolved when she went out, and she only had to help deal with the aftermath, tying up loose ends.  We never thought anything of her leaving on her own.  She’d always been more than capable of taking care of herself, and all of us. ”

He paused and drew a ragged breath, trying to absorb from it some sense of courage to keep going.  “She was gone a couple hours too long, and when Olias got back from his mission he decided we should look for her.  So we did.  And he found her.  At first he thought her dead, but she was only unconscious.  He refused to leave her side, and when she woke up she remembered everything.  Everyone acted the way you’d expect.  Olias, my father, and Julius all hoped for bloodshed.  I wanted nothing but to never hear mention of the vampires again.  I wanted them gone at any cost…I still do.  And Jocelyn just said to let it go.  She was back to herself almost immediately, giving orders and talking to us like normal.  None of us had any idea what was coming, except maybe her.  She was so clever.  And that night, the full moon...she was so calm, like she’d expected it all along.  Seeing her like that...”  His voice broke off and we sat in the quiet room together for a moment.  I didn’t need to hear anything else.  James looked up at me after a few moments, his eyes boring into mine.  “You reminded my dad of her.  It’s why my mother pretends she hates you so much.  She can’t stand the thought of you replacing her.”

I didn’t say anything, but a chill scurried up my spine and flushed down my arms.  “And Janna.”  I realized now how we’d fallen so easily into a pattern. 

“She lost her best friend that night.  She was so...empty for so long, and then you came along.”

I couldn’t break away from his gaze; the depth and sorrow in his eyes were astounding, but there was something more there.  Perhaps misplaced admiration?  Maybe that was a stretch, but whatever it was rendered me incapable of looking away.  “And you?”

“I don’t see it.”  He said honestly, narrowing his eyes in thought.

“Good.”  I whispered.  “I’m sure your sister was great, but I’m glad I don’t make you think of her.”

“Why?”

I answered honestly before it even occurred to me to lie.  “I don’t want to hurt you like that.  When I’m gone, I don’t want you to have to relive that all over again.” 

James considered my answer a moment and then stood up.  “I’m sorry.”

That caught me off guard.  “Sorry?”  I repeated, as though I’d never heard of such a word.

“For Olias.  I’m sorry he told you that.”

“I’m not.”

James didn’t have to say that he thought that was crazy.  “He had no right to tell you about that night.  He knows, Lilith.  I don’t know how, but he knows about you, and he is determined to make you suffer for it.” 

I shrugged. 

“That’s it?”  James prompted, eyeing me.

“I’m not surprised.  How could he not want to make me suffer the way she did?  Or the way he did, or your brother?  Your whole family suffered, died a little because of what the vampires did to you.  It’s only natural he would want retribution.  That’s what love is.”

“No.”  James denied.  “Love isn’t about vengeance.  It’s about trust.  Jocelyn wouldn’t want anybody to suffer for her, and Olias should know that.”

“People lose their ability to think rationally in love.  They’ll do whatever they feel like they have to, whatever the other tells them to, no matter how ridiculous.  She may not want bloodshed, but if that’s what Olias needs to feel whole again, we can’t deny that to him.”

“Like Hell we can’t.”  James snorted.  “Why are you acting like this?”

“Like what?”  I asked, honestly unsure what he meant.  “I can’t change my fate, and you know it.  For all intents and purposes, I’m already dead.  Whether that’s karma or fate or whatever, I don’t know, but who are we to try and fight it?  If Olias wants to speed up the process...”

“Don’t act like a martyr.”  His voice teetered toward pleading. 

“Don’t make this a personal attack.”  I countered.  “This is what I’m used to.”

“To senseless acts of retribution?”  He asked doubtfully.

“To my future being out of my hands.  The first decision I ever made for myself was leaving father’s home.  And look how that turned out.  Some people are just pawns, put into place to help advance others.  I have no purpose other than to follow orders.  At home with my father, my brothers and sisters, Xian.  And here with you, your father, and Olias.  You have more power over my own life than I do.”

“You’re just willing to accept this?”  James was incredulous, as though the thought of me denying my own liberties upset him.

“What?”  I asked, “My death or my life?”

“Both!”  He snapped.  “You’re stubborn.  Why aren’t you fighting?”

“You can’t fight fate.”  I said with a small shake of my head.  “Besides, what is there to fight?  I’ve lived...that’s all I could do.”

“You haven’t lived.  For God’s sake, you aren’t even eighteen!  You’re practically a child.”

“Tomorrow.”  I informed him briefly.  “Tomorrow I will be eighteen.  And I
have
lived.  I’ve had good times and heartbreak, humiliation and glory.  I’ve known fear and courage.  What more could I get from this life?”

“How about happiness?”  His voice was incredulous.  “Or love?  Life is about more than just crossing emotions off a list and then throwing in the towel.  It’s not a race!”

“Maybe yours isn’t,”

He shook his head and for a moment he looked angry as he closed the space between us and pulled me to my feet.   “What about passion?”  He asked, his voice a new low.  The music of it, soft and subtle, was bewitching.

I choked on my breath, unable to think of anything with him so close to me.  My heart was beating its own new rhythm, abandoning my brain in haste to keep me breathing.  But my brain would have been useless anyways, because James just barely brushed his lips against mine and I shut down.  It wasn’t a kiss.  It couldn’t be called a kiss.  Not when we were just standing there, breathing the same air.  Our lips just happened to be tantalizingly close.  Any thoughts that may have been struggling to the surface of my brain were drowned out by the hammering of my heart.  James didn’t pull back from me, and I sure as Hell wasn’t going to move away from him.  That was all the approval he needed.  He closed the small space between our bodies until I was sure he could feel the thud of an erratic heart against my rib cage, or the rapid rise and fall of my chest.

My brain seemed to try and tell me this was a bad idea, but I couldn’t decipher the jumble of thoughts that flitted through my mind.  I didn’t want to listen to anything except for the music my heart was creating.  I wanted to move into him closer, to grab his hand or throw an arm around his neck.  My hand twitched, but I was scared to move, afraid he would realize what he was doing and stop.

I was kissing him back within an instant, and as it deepened I threw caution to the wind and moved my arm around his neck, pulling him closer.  I felt like we were magnets, drawn together by some strange forces, neither of us willing to disengage.  But his lips left mine, leaving them cold, and traced my jaw.  His hand brushed hair off of my shoulder as his lips rained gentle kisses down my neck.

He stopped so abruptly it was like a slap in the face and drew back as though he’d been scalded.  Without his weight to anchor me to the spot I stumbled backwards and looked at him, bewildered.  He seemed to be back to his anger, and I wanted to hate myself for kissing him back.  But I couldn’t.  Without him close to me, nothing made sense anymore.

“This is a bad idea.” 

His voice was an echo of something I had started to think a few minutes before, but now it sounded ridiculous.  “No.”  I shook my head.

“Yes it is.  I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You shouldn’t have stopped.”  I said, still breathless. 

James wiped a hand over his face and down his lips, wiping away that kiss, massaging his chin in thought.  “You’ve been drinking.  You don’t really want me to kiss you.”

“I…I know what I want.”

“No, you don’t.  You’re upset.  You don’t have any control over your life and this is how you’re trying to get some.”

“Stop trying to tell me how I feel.”

“You don’t know.”  He said, shaking his head.  “You don’t know anything, and it’s my fault that you’ll never figure it out.  I’m sorry.”  Before I could stop him, James was heading for the door. 

“Don’t leave.”  I said, my voice edged in desperation.  But whether he noticed or not, I had no clue, because he was already out the door.  A few seconds later it closed behind him with a loud resonating click.  I was alone again, but now it was different.  I wasn’t stuck, I wasn’t hiding.  I had been left behind.  That was the worst kind of alone I could imagine.