The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (29 page)

1. Accept some periodic waking as normal

Treat periodic nighttime waking as a temporary stage. This way of thinking

will help you be less upset. Obviously, if the problem has been going on

for the last four years, it’s not a temporary “stage.” Talk to your pediatri-

cian about the problem.

2. No Talking and No Emotion

These calming rules apply doubly for nighttime, because talking and

emotion—especially anger—wake everyone up. Have you ever tried to

sleep when you’re furious? You can’t; your body and mind will simply

not let you. In the middle of the night, even asking a child what’s wrong

is usually pointless, because the child is groggy, not in her right mind and

can’t tell you much. The No Talking and No Emotion rules apply also to

bad dreams. If necessary, discuss the nightmares the next day. Chances

are the child will have forgotten the whole incident.

3. Assume the child may have to go to the bathroom

Your son appears at your bedside at 2:30 a.m., mumbling something inco-

herent. Somebody is probably going to have to get up. This is an interesting

situation, because this scene is one in which certain people—especial y the

fathers—could win Academy Awards for sleeping performances. Dad’s

snoring deepens and the covers go over his head. If there are two of you

living in the house, agree to take turns.

BEDTIME AND NIGHTTIME WAKING 161

Assume the child has to go to the bathroom—even if he’s mumbling

about a bad dream or something else. Even though they don’t or can’t

say it, many kids are awakened by the urge to go to the bathroom. But

they’re so groggy in the middle of the night that they aren’t sure what

the feeling is and they can’t verbalize the physical sensation well. So try

steering or carrying them to the toilet and see what happens. Don’t ask

the youngster if he has to go, unless you know

from vast experience he is capable of giving you Quik Tip…

an accurate answer.

If a child appears at your

bedside in the

4. Be gentle and quiet

middle of the

night, assume

Handle and guide the children softly as you stag- the child has to go to the

ger through the dark. Don’t grab them or push bathroom. Try steering or

them around, and don’t say anything. Bite your carrying him to the toilet

and see what happens.

tongue, even though you may be irritated that Be very gentle and very

they woke you up. Remember that you want the quiet—and be sure to turn

kids to remain sleepy.

on no lights, which wake

everybody up.

5. No lights!

Lights wake parents and children up very quickly, which then makes it

hard to go back to sleep. Your eyes should be dark-adapted in the middle

of the night, so just totter around without turning anything on.

6. Don’t go to the child’s room unless you have to

When do you have to go to the child’s room during the night? If she is

really upset or won’t quiet down, you’d better check things out. On the

other hand, many kids will make some noise, fuss around for a while and

then go back to sleep. Give them a chance to do so.

7. Don’t let the child sleep with you on a regular basis

Sleeping together can become a habit that’s hard to break later on. Un-

fortunately, letting the child crawl in bed with you is the easiest way to

quiet him down right at the time. In addition, staying in bed certainly is

tempting, but you will pay for these moments of weakness in two ways.

162 1-2-3 MAGIC

First, you will pay right away if the child really has to go to the bathroom,

because he will remain squirmy. Second, you will pay later on when you

cannot get the lad to return to his room without having a tantrum.

One semi-exception to this rule is this: If there’s a terrible storm

going on outside, complete with thunder and lightning, let the kids sleep

on the floor next to your bed with sleeping bags and pillows. They’ll do

it, and they’ll appreciate the psychological comfort. We had this deal with

our kids when they were little. During any stormy night, within forty-five

seconds of the first thunderous bang outside, our bedroom door would

open and two small forms would appear. Each had a sleeping bag in one

hand and a pillow in the other. It was cute. Without saying a word, the

kids would plop down on the floor and immediately go back to sleep,

suddenly oblivious to the storm. That’s what parents are for.

A Few Nocturnal Examples

Now, using our seven nighttime steps, let’s see if we can persuade a few

little tykes to go back to bed—and back to sleep.

Josh, age 9

Josh has been sleeping regularly through the night. Tuesday night,

however, he watches a rather scary movie on TV. At 2:45 a.m. you hear

a few short, anxious and disconnected sentences.

Waiting for a few minutes to see if he’ll awaken or get up, you don’t

go to his room. After a few minutes he goes back to sleep and is peaceful

for the rest of the night.

Rachel, age 6

Rachel has been restless in bed for a few consecutive nights, but she

hasn’t gotten up. Thursday night, however, she appears at your bedside,

shakes you by the arm and says she’s scared.

You say nothing, get up, put your arm gently around her shoulder,

and steer her to the bathroom. You have her sit on the toilet for awhile,

with no lights turned on. Rachel did have to go to the bathroom. When

she’s finished, you guide your daughter gently back to bed, tuck her in

BEDTIME AND NIGHTTIME WAKING 163

and give her a kiss. You wait for a second by her door, see that she’s falling

asleep, and after she’s quiet for a few minutes, you go back to bed.

Jim, age 4

Jim has been get ing up several times a night. He won’t go back to bed by

himself and starts making a fuss if you tell him to. You can’t tell if he’s fright-

ened or if it’s something else. If you take him to his room, he cries or starts

yel ing when you try to leave. He says he wants to sleep with you. You know

he’s not sick, because he was just checked by your pediatrician.

This situation is more difficult, obviously, than the first two examples.

You don’t want Jim to wake everyone in the house, but you don’t like the

idea of giving in to his testing either. What should you do?

When Jim appears at your bedside, you escort him to the bathroom

first—no lights, no talking. He does need to urinate. Then you take him

back to his room, put him in bed and tuck him in. Now you know he’ll

probably cry if you try to leave, so before he gets a chance to even get

upset, you get a chair, park yourself by the bed and wait till he goes back

to sleep. If you’ve done the main things right—such as no lights and no

arguing—your son should still be somewhat sleepy. Though this routine

is not fun, you soon find that the strategy is working. Jim is going right

back to sleep.

With some kids this procedure must be repeated several times a

night for several weeks before the child starts sleeping through. So brace

yourself. Of all the families I’ve seen in my practice, the record for the

most times getting up in one night is seventeen! This case involved a

little three-year-old girl, and we got her to sleep through the night in two

months.

If you think you’ll have to sit by the bed after tucking your youngster

back in during the night, get your chair ready beforehand. Then, after a

week or so of using this procedure, gradually start positioning the chair

further from the bed. Use each new chair position for three or four days.

Eventually, you will wind up sitting just outside the door where the child

can’t see you. If he asks if you’re still there, make some noise like sniffing

or moving around, but try not to talk. Soon after that, you shouldn’t have

to even sit in the chair.

164 1-2-3 MAGIC

Kendra, age 8

Kendra sleeps almost all the way through the night, but she likes to get

up at 5:30 a.m. and come to see you, ready to start her day. You’ve told

her to go back to bed, but she won’t.

There are several things you can try in this situation. First, consider

adjusting Kendra’s bedtime back an hour, say from 8:00 to 9:00; she may

not need that much sleep. Use the Basic Bedtime Method. Second, make

sure her room isn’t getting too much sunlight too early—early light wakes

many kids up. Get some room-darkening shades or even consider putting

a blanket over the window.

Third, you can also try the procedure from the third example. At

5:30 a.m. put Kendra on the toilet, escort her back to bed and then see if

she’ll go back to sleep. If the room is darker and she’s gone to bed later,

this tactic may do the trick.

If it’s obvious that your daughter won’t go back to sleep, however,

you will next try to train her to play in her room instead of waking you.

How do you accomplish this supine-yet-Herculean feat? Consider a com-

bination of charting and the 1-2-3. Make a chart, using stars, stickers or

numbers, that will keep a record of how well Kendra does in the morning

(1) playing by herself
and
(2) not waking anyone
. Give Kendra her score on the chart and praise her for a good job (immediately!) when you get

up.

If Kendra forgets and comes to you at 5:30, say calmly, “Go back

to bed, that’s 1.” Going back to bed at this point is a Start behavior that

takes less than two minutes. If the little girl argues or doesn’t go, you may

count her out, and you may have to escort her back to her room. No extra

talking and no emotion. By this time you will be aggravated and fully

awake, but after a few days—if Kendra knows you mean business—you

may be able to count, go back to sleep and have Kendra go off and play

by herself until you get up later on, rested and refreshed.

Don’t forget that physical pain can also wake kids up at night, so if

your child hasn’t had a physical lately and she starts waking, it might be

a good idea to have her checked out. In the meantime, use the procedures

described here.

BEDTIME AND NIGHTTIME WAKING 165

Bedtime Questions

What if it’s bedtime and the child is not ready for bed?

You can put him in bed with his clothes on. Take off his shoes so he’s

more comfortable. If he’s just a little tyke (2 or 3),
you
put his pajamas

on. And remember, don’t get caught up in the tempting alternative of

lecturing the child about what he should have done. It’s late, you’re tired,

he’s tired and it’s all too easy to slip up by getting upset.

Is it true that floor fans can help some kids sleep?

Yes. Believe it or not, floor fans do help some children go to sleep and

stay asleep. Floor fans produce what is sometimes called “white noise,”

which is simply a monotonous, repetitive sound that is not disturbing, but

may, on the contrary, be calming and soothing. White noise, for example,

tends to cover other night noises that may keep kids awake, such as a

door closing, a car going by, a toilet flushing, a TV, etc.

When using a floor fan, remember that it’s the noise you’re looking

for, not the wind, though in the summer the air circulation can also help

the kids sleep. White noise also makes it easier for you to sneak out of

your little one’s room at 3:00, after you’ve gotten up with her for the