The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (31 page)

are good times to talk and explain and bad times to talk and explain.

Generally the time when a rule is being enforced is a bad time
. Why?

Because this brief period of time is not a good learning moment for most

kids. You are likely to be irritated with your child. Chances are she is mad

at you, too. She may at the same time feel anxious, guilty and defensive

about what just happened.

Talking during this time of unpleasant emotional arousal produces

two problems. First, talking at this point encourages arguing. There are

lots of children who do not relish the idea of humiliating themselves

by admitting that you—and all your reasons—are correct, while their

behavior was absolutely wrong. To save face, therefore, the youngsters

may feel obligated to disagree with you. And if you get into an argument

over what just happened, you have accomplished nothing.

Second, it is very likely that all your ideas about your child’s behav-

ior
are
correct. Parents are not stupid and they do not go around saying

dumb things to their children most of the time. Even though your ideas

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are good, your child is not openminded during discipline episodes. At

that moment she doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, and your

attempts to explain only aggravate her more. This irritation motivates

your daughter to contradict what you are saying—even if only in her

mind. So what have you accomplished? You have given your little one

an opportunity to throw your good ideas into the trash.

When should you talk about problems? You should explain something

right away if a child’s problem behavior is new, unusual or dangerous.

Your child decides to use your couch as a trampoline, for instance. This

behavior is new and unusual, and you also feel it’s dangerous. So you

explain to your son that he can’t jump on the couch because he might hurt

himself or hurt the furniture. Using a new swear word or hitting someone

else are also examples of times when you would explain to your child

why he can’t do something. Remember to keep your explanations short

and to the point. Look at your child’s facial expressions; you can usually

tell when he is tuning you out. If possible, wrap the conversation up at

that point.

Ask a Few Questions First

Instead of jumping in and anxiously explaining right away, when time

permits many parents use a kind of questioning technique to help kids

think a problem through. The questions might be something like these:

What would happen if you did that?

Why is this a good thing to do?

How did you feel when I said that to you?

Why do you think I want you to do your homework?

Why is it bad to push someone?

Why does your teacher ask you to be quiet?

Questioning forces the child to think an issue through himself, rather than

passively listening to a brilliant parental lecture. This required mental

activity, in the presence of a non-angry adult, often helps kids remember

the lesson a little better. Questions followed by brief adult explanations

can be an effective strategy for teaching children how to behave.

WHEN DO YOU TALK? 175

Whether you decide at any one point to explain or to question, keep

in mind that short, calm talking sessions are always better than long,

angry lectures.

Insight Plus Practice

What if a problem behavior is not new, unusual or dangerous, but instead

is minor, but also repetitious and irritating? In spite of your explanations,

for example, your seven-year-old daughter still whines occasionally when

she doesn’t get her way, and she often forgets to pick up after herself.

When she whines, you have told her to use her “big girl voice.” When

she leaves toys and books lying around, you have explained that you are

not the maid.

What’s the problem? The problem is she’s

just a kid! It takes children a while to learn how CAUTION

to avoid Stop behavior and how to successfully It’s not

reasonable or

complete certain Start behaviors. So give your fair for you to expect

youngsters a break—be patient and realistic.

your children to behave

Adults often forget that children’s mastery properly just because

of behavioral skills depends not only on insight you’ve explained

something once to them.

(explanation) but also on practice (repetition). Remember that good

You certainly didn’t master the art of driving a behavior requires practice,

car by simply reading about it in a book. You practice, practice! You did

also did not become a competent driver simply not learn how to drive a

car by reading a book.

because your driving instructor told you where

the ignition, steering wheel, gas pedal and brake

pedal were. Although those concepts were useful bits of knowledge, you

still had to go out and practice, practice, practice. And you had to practice

under different conditions. You had to drive in good and bad weather,

with a pleasant or angry or worried adult, and at times when you were in

a good mood or in a bad mood.

The same is true of your children. Don’t ever underestimate how

much
behavioral rehearsal
is required before kids can master skills such

as talking in a normal voice (when frustrated) and remembering to pick up

after yourself (when you’d much rather run out and play with a friend).

176 1-2-3 MAGIC

If you want to give your child a little talk from time to time about

good and bad behavior, by all means do so. But try not to talk right at the

time a rule is being enforced. And keep in mind that kids are not little

adults; you don’t train them to behave just by pouring information into

their heads. In addition to our explanations, we adults often forget that our

youngsters have many other ways of learning good and bad behavior:

• Parental modeling

• Behavior modeling by other children, including siblings

• Books, television and music

• Praise that follows good behavior

• Counting that follows obnoxious behavior

• Adults’ comments regarding the behavior of other people,

including children and adults

• Behavioral experimentation: trying out something and

seeing what happens

• And many more...

When discipline or conflict is not involved, of course, talk as much

as you want to. You can talk all day and all night if you’re both having

a good time. In fact, one of the things most parents love about parenting

is watching their children’s young minds think, grow, learn and change.

Small children are learning machines, and it’s fascinating to be a part

of—and to encourage—that process.

Chapter Summary

1. The time when discipline is being enforced is usually not a

good time to explain, because a child is not openminded.

2. Do explain right away if a problem is new, unusual or

dangerous.

3. Before you talk, ask your child some thought-provoking questions.

4. Remember that kids learn good behavior many different ways!

Part V

Strengthening Your

Relationship

21

Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Realistic, positive self-esteem is the by-product of a life well-lived.

You’ve been working hard and at this point in the
1-2-3 Magic

program you’ve accomplished a lot. You’ve taken the first two gi-

ant parenting steps. Your home is a more peaceful and enjoyable place

in which to live.

Step 1 was learning how to control difficult (Stop) behavior. Now

you routinely and calmly count obnoxious behavior. And the kids cease

and desist, amazingly, almost all the time at 1 or 2. You certainly don’t

miss that whining at all! Sibling rivalry you have accepted as a fact of

life, but the amount of teasing and fighting has dropped dramatically

since you’ve instituted the four basic rules for managing the kids’ battles.

Sure, sometimes you get a little too excited and start chattering some, but

you’re able to catch yourself and quiet down.

In parenting Step 2, you began using the strategies for encouraging

good (Start) behavior. This task was easier because, after you had counted

for a while, the kids understood that when you said something, you meant

business. But you also found out that Start behavior meant more moti-

vation was required for the kids and more motivation was also required

of you! Nevertheless, you established your routines for daily tasks like

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bedtime, eating meals, homework and getting up and out in the morning.

Now the kids are happily doing a lot more on their own and you are not

nagging and arguing anymore. The house is not filled with the screaming

and crying that before were symptomatic of all those aggravating—and

depressing—power struggles. Incredibly, your children are also better at

picking up after themselves; the place is a lot neater!

In short, your kids are better behaved, happier and they listen. You

are able to enjoy their energy, their enthusiasm and their curiosity. You

have discovered that your children are cute, engaging and have a keen

sense of humor. And as a result of all this, you like yourself much more

as a parent.

Well, guess what? It’s time to take the third and last step up the par-

enting ladder. The third step involves strengthening (and enjoying) your

relationship with your child. This last step also includes—inevitably—tak-

ing a realistic look at the issue of your youngster’s self-esteem.

Your Relationship and Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Your relationship with your child and your child’s self-esteem are closely

intertwined. Just about anything you do to improve your relationship

will also improve your child’s self-esteem. But you’ll also be happy to

know that everything you’ve done so far, in parenting steps 1 (controlling

Stop behavior) and 2 (encouraging Start behavior), has also done a lot to

increase the positive self-regard of your son or daughter. To understand

this, we need to take a look at what self-esteem is really all about (for

further information, see our companion volume,
Self-Esteem Revolutions

in Children
).

Self-esteem—for kids and adults—is a tough, serious, reality-based

business. Self-esteem, contrary to what you may have heard, is not a

make-the-kids-feel-good-at-al -costs kind of project. If certain qualities are