The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (14 page)

74 1-2-3 MAGIC

him do homework or go to bed. He doesn’t like this and hopes for a way

to get what he wants in spite of your efforts.

2. Testing, therefore, is purposeful behavior
.
The purpose of a

child’s testing, obviously, is to get his way rather than have you impose

your will on him. In fact, testing and manipulation can have two purposes;

the second goal often appears if the first goal is frustrated:

1. The first purpose of testing and manipulation

is for the child
to get what he wants
.

2. The second purpose of testing kicks in if the

first purpose is not achieved. If the child cannot

get his way, he will try to get something else:
revenge
.

3. When engaging in testing and manipulation, a child has a

“choice” of six basic tactics
. All six can serve the first purpose: getting

one’s way; five of the six tactics can serve the second purpose: revenge.

Usually a child’s testing behavior will represent a combination of one or

more of the basic tactics.

Key Concepts…

All parents and teachers will quickly rec-

The first goal of testing

ognize the manipulative tactics we are about to

is for the child to get describe. These adults have encountered these

what he wants.

ploys of children many times. Grownups are also

Since he’s less

powerful than

usually aware—if they think about it—of which

you are, he must

maneuvers are used by which children. Moms

use some emotional

and dads may also recognize some of their own

manipulation. If the child

favorite strategies, since adults use the same basic

still fails to get what he

wants, the second goal of

manipulative methods.

testing is often retaliation

By the way, the use of testing and manipula-

or revenge.

tion does not mean that a child is sick, emotional y

troubled or in need of psychological care. At empts

to get your way, as well as attempts to “punish” the bigger people who

don’t give you your way, are perfectly normal. The use of testing also does

not require an exceptionally high IQ. In fact, adults are often amazed at

how naturally and how skillfully little kids are able to produce, as well as

modify, complex testing strategies. Because our sons and daughters are

TESTING AND MANIPULATION 75

so naturally skilled, it is very important that adult caretakers understand

children’s testing and how to manage it.

The Six Basic Testing Tactics

Here are the six fundamental strategies that children use to attempt to

influence the adults who are frustrating them:

1. Badgering

Badgering is the “Please, please, please, please!” or “Why, why, why?”

routine.“Just this once! Just this once! Just this once! Just this once!”

“Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!” There are some children who could

have been machine guns during World War II. The child just keeps after

you and after you and after you, trying to wear you down with repetition.

“Just give me what I want and I’ll shut up!” is the underlying message.

Badgering can be particularly taxing when it is done very loudly

and also when it is done in public. Some parents attempt to respond to

everything the frustrated child says every time she says it. Mom or dad may

try to explain, to reassure or to distract. As badgering continues, though,

parents can become more and more desperate, going on the equivalent

of a verbal wild-goose chase—searching for the right words or reasons

to make the youngster keep quiet. Many kids, however, are extremely

single-minded once their badgering starts. They won’t stop until they either

get what they want or until their parent uses a more effective approach to

stop the testing. We’ll soon clarify exactly what that approach will be.

Badgering is what we refer to as a great “blender” tactic, since it mixes

easily with other manipulative strategies. The basic element in badgering,

of course, is repetition. So when any of the other verbal testing tactics are

repeated again and again, the resulting manipulative strategy is a combination

of that other tactic plus the repetitive power of badgering.

2. Temper (Intimidation)

Displays of temper, or what we sometimes refer to as intimidation, are

obvious, aggressive attacks. Younger children, who aren’t so adept with

words yet, may throw themselves on the floor, bang their heads, holler

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at the top of their lungs and kick around ferociously. Older kids, whose

language skills are more developed, may come up with arguments that

accuse you of being unjust, illogical or simply a bad parent in general.

When frustrated, older kids may also swear or angrily complain.

Some children’s fits of temper go on for very long periods. Many

ADHD and bipolar children, for example, have been known to rant and

rave for more than an hour at a time. In the process they may damage

property or trash their rooms. Tantrums are often prolonged (1) if the child

has an audience, (2) if the adults involved continue talking, arguing or

pleading with the youngster or (3) if the adults don’t know what to do.

Temper fits in two-year-olds can be aggravating, but they can also

be funny. My wife took a picture of our son when he was an energetic

toddler having a temper tantrum right in the middle of the ashes in the

fireplace at my parents’ home (the fire was not going, of course). We all

can still laugh at that scene.

As kids get older and more powerful, however, tantrums get more

worrisome and just plain scarier. That’s why we like to see them well

controlled or eliminated by the time a child is five or six.

3. Threat

Frustrated kids will often threaten their parents with dire predictions

if the adults don’t come across with the desired goods. Here are a few

examples:

“I’m going to run away from home!”

“I’ll never speak to you again!”

“I’m going to kill myself!”

“I’m not eating dinner and I won’t do my homework!!”

“I’m going to kill the parakeet!”

The message is clear: Something bad is going to happen unless

you give me what I want immediately. Give me the Twinkie right before

dinner, stop counting me, don’t make me go to bed, OR ELSE! Some of

the threats that younger children come up with are funny. One little girl,

whose mother was trying to get her to go to bed, angrily shouted, “All

right, I’ll go. But I’m going to lie there all night with my eyes open!”

TESTING AND MANIPULATION 77

Another six-year-old boy was reprimanded and timed out by his

father for squirting the dog with a hose. The boy threatened to run away,

actually packed a small bag and walked out the front door. After five

minutes, however, he walked back in the door and yelled at his dad,“I

couldn’t run away because you guys won’t let me cross the street!”

Other threats are not funny. Some frustrated children threaten to kill

themselves, and this is something no parent takes lightly. Parents wonder if

this is just manipulative or if their child real y wants to die. Two questions

can help parents sort out this dilemma. First of al , is this child general y

happy? Does she enjoy life most of the time, have friends, do OK in school

and fit into the family? If the answers to these questions are positive, it is

less likely that the child wants to end her life. Second, did the suicidal threat

come out of the blue or was the comment a response to some obvious, recent

frustration? If “I’m going to kil myself” comes out of nowhere, the threat is

always more worrisome and needs to be looked into.

4. Martyrdom

Martyrlike testing tactics are a perennial favorite of children. When using

martyrdom the child may indicate that his life has become totally unfair

and an incredible burden. “No one around here loves me anymore,” “I

never get anything” or “You like her more than me” are examples.

Or the youngster may actually do something that has a self-punitive,

self-denying flavor, such as not eating dinner, sitting in the closet for

an hour or staring out the window without talking. Crying, pouting and

simply looking sad or teary can also be effective manipulative devices.

The goal of martyrdom, obviously, is to make the parent feel guilty,

and martyrdom can be surprisingly effective. This testing tactic is very

difficult for many adults to handle. Many moms and dads seem to have

a “guilt button” the size of the state of Wyoming! All the kids have to do

is push that button and
the youngsters wind up running the house.

Children learn early on that parents are highly invested in the welfare

of their offspring. Kids know their caretakers want them safe, happy and

healthy. Unfortunately, kids also seem to naturally appreciate a logical

consequence of this adult commitment: Acting hurt or deprived can be a

powerful way of influencing adult behavior.

78 1-2-3 MAGIC

Two-year-olds, for example, will sometimes hold their breath till

they turn blue when they are mad about not getting what they want. Many

parents wonder how a child can even come up with an idea like that.

Another creative child, whose mother had just sent her to her bedroom,

was heard yelling out her window, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” This

tactic may have been creative, but it was not effective.

What’s Going On Here?

Before we finish our list of the Six Kinds of Testing and Manipulation,

let’s stop and figure out what this commotion is

Quik Tip…

all about. Just exactly what are the kids trying to

Remember that a

accomplish with all these maneuvers, and how

child who is testing do they think the process will work?

you is offering you a

Most kids, of course, would never be able to

deal: Give me what I want

and my badgering,

describe the underlying mechanics of testing. But

temper, threat or

we can tell you
exactly
what’s going on. Here’s

martyrdom will end—

how it works: The first four tactics—badgering,

immediately! Does that

intimidation, threat and martyrdom—share a

sound like a deal you can’t

refuse? Accept it and

common dynamic. The child, without quite

you’re in trouble.

knowing what he’s doing, is in effect saying to

the parent something like this: “Look, you’re

making me uncomfortable by not giving me what

I want. You’re making me get out of bed, you’re counting me for teas-

ing my sister or you’re not buying me a treat. But now I’m also making

you uncomfortable with my badgering, tantrums, ominous statements or

feeling sorry for myself.
Now that we’re both uncomfortable, I’ll make

you a deal: You call off your dogs and I’ll call off mine.”

If you do give in and give the child what he wants, you are guar-

anteed that any testing will stop immediately. In a split second, no more

hassles. Some people say, “Thank heaven—there’s a way of getting rid

of testing and manipulation!” There certainly is, but what’s the catch?

The catch, of course, is who’s running your house? It certainly isn’t you;

it’s the kids. All they have to do in a conflict situation is get out their big

manipulation guns and you are chopped liver.

TESTING AND MANIPULATION 79

Now let’s finish our list of testing tactics. The last two, when com-

pared to each other, are like day and night.

5. Butter Up

The fifth tactic, butter up, takes an approach that’s different from the first

four. Instead of making you feel uncomfortable, with butter up the child

tries to make you feel good. You may then run the risk of losing this good

feeling if you subsequently frustrate the child.

“Gee, Mom, you’ve got the prettiest eyes of anybody on the block”

is a fairly blatant example. Or, “I think I’ll go clean my room. It’s been

looking kind of messy for the last three weeks. And after that maybe I’ll

take a look at the garage.”

With butter up the basic message from child to parent is: “You’ll

feel really bad if you mistreat or discipline or deny me after how nice I’ve