The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (11 page)

commonly asked question needs a whole chapter devoted to it:
What do

you do in public?

7

What to Do in Public

The threat of public embarrassment is something

that no parent takes lightly.

We now must come to grips with the worst nightmare of every

parent: what to do in public. No one wants to look like a child

abuser in aisle 5, the candy aisle, of the local grocery store. And kids—even

very young toddlers—seem to have radar that can sense psychological

vulnerability in anxious parents.

Once they have learned the mechanics of the 1-2-3, many parents

worry about being out in public where there is no time-out room. Believe

it or not, this problem can be solved without too much difficulty. That,

my fellow parents, happens to be the good news. The bad news is that

there is a worse problem lurking in the shadows, and deep in her heart

every parent knows what that problem is.

Your biggest problem is that your little ones can hold something

over your head in public that they can’t hold over your head in private:

the threat of public embarrassment. This fear of embarrassment and public

disapproval has at times made even the most competent parents forget

what they’re supposed to do, change their tactics and crumble. Try to

remember this basic principle: The long-term welfare of your kids comes

before short-term worries about what others are going to think.

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56 1-2-3 MAGIC

Counting in Public

Let’s imagine that you do have a five-year-old and that yes, in fact, aisle

5 in the grocery store, the candy aisle, is one of your biggest problems.

It seems as though every time you go down that aisle, your son asks for

candy, you say no because all the candy bars are huge, and then the little

boy proceeds to throw a ferocious tantrum. He throws himself on the floor,

screams at the top of his lungs and—don’t you love this part?—a crowd

has gathered to see how you’re going to handle the crisis.

What do you do? The first thing you do is make sure you have the

1-2-3 rolling fairly well at home. “Fairly well” means you are getting a

good response at 1 or 2 most of the time. Why not all the time? Because

he’s just a kid.

Now you’re in aisle 5, your son is tantruming loudly, and the audience

has assembled. You look down at the unhappy little monster, hold up one

finger and say, “That’s 1.” You say this as calmly and as firmly as you

would at home. What is the key here? The key is not so much what you do

as what you don’t do. You do not, for example, let yourself be intimidated

by the threat of public embarrassment and whisper, “ Come on now, I

don’t want you making a fool of me in front of all these people.” You do

that and the child will
know
that you can be had for a nickel; he won’t

need the candy bar because he’s about to have more fun with you.

Proceed to 2 and then to 3, if necessary. Do not look at anyone else

other than your child. At this point, of course, parents wonder, “What are

we going to do at 3? There’s no time-out room.” This problem is easier

to solve than you think.

Time-Out Room, Time-Out Place

Over the many years of developing the
1-2-3 Magic
program, parents

taught me what to do in situations like this. These were parents who, in

the heat of battle, had to come up with rest-period solutions while in the

restaurants, in the theaters, in stores, at the museum, at the ball park and

so on.

We cal the solution,“Time-Out Room, Time-Out Place.”

There is always either a room, something like a room, or a symbolic

WHAT TO DO IN PUBLIC 57

place where a time out can be served. For example, in the aisle 5

conflict we just described, at 3 some parents wil just stay right

where they are and hold the child’s hand for several minutes.

The adult says nothing during this period. That’s a time out place.

Other parents have put little children in the grocery cart for the

consequence. That’s almost a time-out room.

Other ideas include a corner of the

store—a time-out place. For more ram- Quik Tip…

bunctious children, the bathroom of the When you’re out in

store can serve the same purpose. Let them public, there is always

either a room, something

scream their heads off in there for a while. like a room, or a symbolic

Some parents, feeling their children play location where a time out

up to an audience, will actually leave the can be served. And don’t

forget your time-out

grocery cart right where it is and take the alternatives. Just because

child back to the car to do the rest period. people are watching does

That’s a time-out room.

not mean that you have to

be at your kids' mercy!

Using the car like this makes some

people ask, “Using the car like this makes

some people ask, “Why should I have to go through all that trou-

ble?” The answer is because (1) they’re just kids, (2) they’re still

learning how to behave and (3) “all that trouble” is a sound invest-

ment in their future and your peace of mind.

Here’s another idea. If the child is old enough and you

won’t worry about him, at 3 have him wait for you—perhaps next

to one of the cash registers or next to the information booth—till

you’re done shopping.

During any time out, you do not talk to the child. No lec-

turing, screaming or nagging. Keeping quiet is often very hard, but

after a while the youngsters get the idea you mean business. And

yes, there have been parents who felt the fuss was bad enough that

they left a half-full grocery cart and went home.

The “1-2-3-4”

Don’t forget your Time-Out Alternatives (TOAs) when you have to go

out of the house with the kids! Here’s another situation. You’re cooking

a new recipe for dinner and you are so excited about this new dish that

58 1-2-3 MAGIC

you can hardly stand it. At 5:15 p.m., however, you suddenly realize you

are missing three essential ingredients. To make matters worse, your

six-year-old and eight-year-old are in the other room playing well

together for the first time in two-and-a-half years. You’re going to have

to interrupt them and there’s no time to get a sitter.

Here’s what you do. Tell the kids that you have to go shopping, it

will take about an hour and they have to go with you. You know they don’t

want to, but you’re all stuck. Tell them the deal will be this: If they’re

“good” while you’re out (meaning they don’t hit a count of 4—you’re

giving them an extra count because of the length of the trip and because

they don’t want to go), you’ll buy them a treat. Their reward will be $1

cash or $1 worth of whatever else they may want to buy. If they hit the

count of 4 during the trip, however, the reward is gone.

Some parents feel this is bribery. It is! But the real definition of

bribery is paying someone to do something illegal. Here we’re paying

the kids to do something legal, and it works.

My wife and I had a very interesting experience using this TOA tactic

with our kids when we used to go out for ice cream in the evening. The

first few times we went out for our after-dinner treat, the kids fought like

cats and dogs in the back seat. By the time we all got our ice cream, no

one was in any kind of a party mood anymore.

So one evening I told the kids this: “Guys, we’re going out for ice

cream. But there’s going to be a new deal. If you guys hit a count of three

before we get there, we turn right around and come home. Nobody will

get any ice cream.”

With hopeful hearts, we took off in the car. The children started

fighting. I said,“That’s 1, third count blows the trip.” Sure enough, they

were soon at 2, and then, only half way to the ice cream store, they hit

a 3. I turned the car around and went home. The kids were not pleased;

they looked stunned and resentful.

A few days later—this time less hopeful—we took another shot at an

ice cream outing. We weren’t three hundred yards from the house when the

kids started fighting again. I said,“That’s 1, third time blows the trip.” They

hit a 2 and then a 3, and the car got turned around and headed for home.

I’m sure that before our next attempt at an evening treat the kids had

had a conversation with each other. Their conversation probably went

WHAT TO DO IN PUBLIC 59

something like this: “Isn’t it a shame that most children in the world,

except us, have normal fathers? Unfortunately, our Dad turned out to be

a shrink. But he’s got the car and he’s got the money, so if we want some

ice cream, we’d better put up with his stupid games!”

So, about a week later, our intrepid group once again set out on

its quest. To my amazement, the kids started fighting. I said,“That’s 1,

third time blows the trip.” To my further amazement, however, the kids

instantly became quiet and they were good as gold the whole rest of the

way. We all enjoyed our dessert.

One moral of this story: Sometimes it takes a few trials for you to

make believers out of the kids. By the way, I’ve often been asked what

to do if while on the way one child acts up and the other one doesn’t. The

answer: The one gets the ice cream and the other one doesn’t. But don’t

expect to enjoy the ride home.

Keep Moving

Another tactic that some parents have used successfully in public takes us

back to our grocery store example, where the youngster was having a major

fit in the candy section of aisle 5. What some parents have done is simply

leave the child on the floor and move on to aisle 6. When they meet someone

in aisle 6, they say, “Boy, do you hear al that racket over there?”

Seriously, what often happens is that the child starts worrying where

mom or dad went, forgets the candy and runs to find his parent. Naturally,

you wouldn’t want to get too far away, depending on the age of the child.

Then again, some kids run to find their parent and then remember the

candy and continue the tantrum. What should you do then?

The answer to this question depends on two things: How badly do

you need to shop and how much guts do you have? A number of years ago

I was shopping by myself in our local grocery store. I saw a lady come

in with a four-year-old boy. She picked the boy up, put him in a cart and

pushed the cart past the bubble-gum machine. The boy asked for gum,

the mother said no and the boy went ballistic. The mother kept moving

and said nothing.

I shopped for twenty minutes, this Mom shopped for twenty min-

utes, and this little boy howled for twenty minutes. Wherever you were

60 1-2-3 MAGIC

in the store, which was not large, you could hear this kid’s blood-curdling

screams. But this lady was great. She paid no attention to her son. She

had come in for milk, green pepper and converted rice, and, by God, she

was going out with milk, green pepper and converted rice. I remember

passing this duo in the rice aisle. While the youngster wailed, his mother

was calmly looking at the rice box: “Let’s see, four ounces times six. Yes,

that should be enough for tonight.”

I was impressed. But Mom was soon to fall off her pedestal. I hur-