The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (15 page)

been to you.” Butter up is intended to be an advance set-up for parental

guilt. The child is implying, “You’ll feel so positively toward me that you

won’t have the heart to make me feel bad.”

Promises can be used by children as butter up manipulation. “Please,

Mom. Please. I’ll eat my dinner and I promise I won’t even ask for any

dessert,” said one little girl who wanted a snack at 5:00 in the afternoon.

Some promises kids make are impossibilities. One little boy, while in the

process of pressing his father for a new computer said, “I’ll never ask

you for anything ever again.”

Apologies can be sincere, and they can also be examples of butter

up testing. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry,” one little boy pleaded

in an attempt to avoid a grounding for socking his little brother.

Butter up manipulation is obviously the least obnoxious of all the

testing tactics. Some people, in fact, don’t think it should be labeled as

testing at all. It is true that butter up is sometimes hard to distinguish from

genuine affection. If a child says “I love you” and then proceeds not to

ask for anything, it’s probably genuine affection. And a child who asks

if he can have a friend over if he cleans up his room may be proposing

a straightforward and legitimate deal. But if you’ve ever heard a parent

say, “The only time my son’s ever nice is when he wants something,”

that person is probably referring to butter up.

80 1-2-3 MAGIC

6. Physical Tactics

From a parent’s perspective, this last form of testing is perhaps the worst

strategy of all. Here the frustrated child may physically attack an adult,

break something or run away. Physical methods of trying to get one’s

way, of course, are more common in smaller children who don’t have well

developed language skills. When the use of this type of testing continues

beyond age four or five, however, we begin to worry. Some kids have a

long history of this kind of behavior, and the bigger the child gets, the

scarier their physical strategies get.

Some parents who use time outs, for example, tell us that their

children sometimes physically attack them when the parent is trying to

escort the child to the time-out area. (Any child who is mad enough to

assault his parent is certainly not going to go voluntarily to his room.)

Some youngsters become quite ferocious, kicking, biting, scratching,

pinching and hitting while yelling at the top of their lungs.

Other frustrated, physical y-oriented kids wil smash or break

things—sometimes even their own possessions. One ten-year-old boy,

for instance, was sent to his room for fighting with his brother. The door

to his bedroom happened to be shut when he got to it, so he gave it one

of his best karate kicks, cracking the door down the middle. Another

lad smashed a coffee mug on the tile floor in the front hall of the house.

Unfortunately, one of the larger pieces of the mug went flying into the

glass storm door, which promptly disintegrated.

Another physical testing tactic, running away, is not used a lot by

younger children. Threats to run away appear more often in this age group.

One seven-year-old boy, though, used a different version of this idea on

his mother, who had just denied his request to go outside. The boy sneaked

down to the basement and hid for two hours, not responding to anyone who

cal ed his name. The tactic was effective, at least in punishing his mother,

who was beside herself with worry by the time her son reappeared.

Badgering, temper, threat, martyrdom, butter up and physical tac-

tics. These are the methods children use to get their way from adults.

And all these tactics, except butter up, can also be used by kids to punish

the uncooperative adults who obstinately persist in refusing to give the

youngsters what they want.

TESTING AND MANIPULATION 81

Which strategies are the favorites of your sons and daughters?

We have taken several surveys of parents and teachers, asking which

tactics they thought children used the most. Interestingly, both groups of

grownups always mention the same three: badgering, temper and—the

overwhelming favorite—martyrdom.

You will also be interested to know that the most annoying manipula-

tive maneuver used by children is a tactic that combines two of the above

three favorites. This tactic, which drives many parents absolutely nuts,

is a combination of badgering and martyrdom. The word describing the

behavior starts with the letter W. You guessed it: Whining!

Who’s Pushing Your Buttons?

Now we’re going to ask you a very important question. Think of each

of your kids, one at a time (if you’re a teacher, reflect on each of your

students) and ask yourself, “Does this child have a favorite testing tactic?

One that he or she uses very frequently or all the time?” If your answer is

yes, that’s bad. Why? Because the testing ploy
works
for the youngster.

People don’t generally repeat behavior that doesn’t work for them.

What does “works” mean? Al you have to do

is recall the two purposes of testing and manipu- CAUTION

lation. First of all, a testing strategy works when Does your child

the child successfully gets his way by using that have a favorite

tactic. How do you know if a child is getting his testing tactic? If your

answer is yes, that’s

way by testing? It’s obvious—you just give it to bad. It’s bad because the

him. You give him the snack right before dinner, strategy is working for

turn the TV back on while he’s doing homework, the youngster, either by

stop counting him when he’s teasing the dog or getting the child her way

or by getting her effective

don’t make him go to bed.

revenge.

“Works” can also refer to the second purpose

of testing and manipulation: revenge. Children

will repeat tactics that provide an effective way of retaliating against

the adults who are causing the frustration. How does a child know if

she is effectively getting revenge? The answer takes us right back to the

No-Talking, No-Emotion Rules. If this child can get you very upset and

get you talking too much, she knows she’s got you.

82 1-2-3 MAGIC

Some kids retaliate by making their parents angry. The youngsters

know they are getting effective revenge when their parents start talking

like this: “How many times do I have to tell you!” “Why can’t you just

take no for an answer!!” “ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME NUTS!!!”

The angry part of your frustrated child will find comments like these

satisfying, and the next time your child is angry with you, he will know

exactly how to press the revenge button.

You want some homework done, for example, and your son has a

tantrum (Tactic #2) because he wants to watch TV. Your response, how-

ever, is a
counter
temper tantrum. You get more upset than your son did!

Final score: Child 5, Parent 2. He got you: The small, inferior part of

the youngster got the angry big splash from the larger, “more powerful”

adult.

Other kids retaliate by making their parents feel guilty. Imagine that

your daughter—when asked to go to bed—resorts to martyrdom (Tactic

#4): “Well, it’s obvious that nobody around here loves me anymore. I

might as well hitchhike to the next state and find a family more compat-

ible with my basic needs” (she adds a touch of threat, Tactic #3). You feel

frightened and guilty. You are certain that unloved children grow up to

be mentally ill, homeless or serial killers. You sit the youngster down on

your lap, and for a half hour tell her how much you love her, how much

Dad and the dog love her, and so on.

You have just been had by Tactic #4, Martyrdom. You are squirming

and uncomfortable, and your child is making you pay for your parenting

sins. Always remember this: Unless you are a grossly neglectful or abu-

sive parent, your kids know that you love them. By all means tell them

that you love them, but never tell them that you love them when they’re

pulling a #4 on you.

How to Manage Testing and Manipulation

Now let’s say you’re getting into the spirit of
1-2-3 Magic
and you’re

toughening up some. Your ten-year-old son wants to go to a friend’s house

at 9:00 on a school night. You deny his request and tell him it’s too late.

The following scene occurs:

TESTING AND MANIPULATION 83

“Why not? Come on, just this once!” (Badgering)

“Can’t do it.”

“I never get anything.” (Martyrdom, Badgering)

“I don’t think you’re too underprivileged.”

“I’ll clean the garage tomorrow.” (Butter Up, Badgering)

“The garage is OK the way it is. I just cleaned it.”

“This stinks—I HATE YOUR GUTS!” (Intimidation, Badgering)

“Sorry.”

The child throws a book on the floor. (Physical Tactic)

“Watch your step, pal.”

“Please, PLEASE! Oh, come on, it’s not so late.” (Badgering)

“No way. Not tonight.”

“If you don’t let me, I’m running away!” (Threat, Badgering)

This may be aggravating, but in a way it’s good! Why? Because

something constructive is happening. The child is fishing around, switch-

ing tactics and probing for your weak spot.
But he can’t find a weak spot
.

You are sticking to your guns. Not only that, you are remaining fairly

calm in spite of the aggravation.

There is one thing wrong with this example, however, and that has

to do with how you handle testing and manipulation. You would not let

the child switch tactics that many times (and you would also not talk

so much). What should you do, then? Well, if you look at our list of six

testing tactics, five of them (except butter up) are Stop behavior. Stop

behavior should be counted. So if a child were pushing you this much,

he would be counted.

This is how the scene above should be handled if you were using the

1-2-3. Remember that the boy has already been given an explanation:

“Why not? Come on, just this once!” (Badgering)

“That’s 1.”

“I never get anything.” (Martyrdom, Badgering)

“That’s 2.”

“I’ll clean the garage tomorrow.” (Butter Up, Badgering)

“That’s 3, take 10.”

The third count is more for the badgering than the butter up, but it’s

84 1-2-3 MAGIC

obvious this kid’s not going to give up until the parent gently but firmly

puts her foot down. That goal is achieved by counting.

Remember: With the exceptions of butter up and passive pouting,

testing and manipulation should be counted, especially in the beginning

when you’re just starting
1-2-3 Magic
. Once the kids are used to the

discipline system, the less aggressive, less obnoxious forms of testing

can—at your discretion—occasionally be ignored. The effectiveness of

not responding at all (verbally or nonverbally) to a child’s testing can be

evaluated by how quickly the child gives up the battle. Many kids will

quickly learn that no response at all from you (ignoring) means that this

time they are not going to either get their way or get effective revenge.

What to Expect in the Beginning

As we mentioned before, once you start counting, the kids will fall

primarily into two categories: immediate cooperators and immediate testers.

Immediate cooperators you simply enjoy. You will feel more affectionate

toward your youngsters because they are listening to you. You will want

to have more fun with your kids, talk with them, praise them and listen

to them. You will enjoy working on building a good relationship. This

good relationship, in turn, will make counting (1) less necessary and (2)

a lot easier when it is necessary.

Immediate testers, however, get worse at first. When you let them

know you’re going to be the boss and you take away the power of their

favorite testing strategies, these children deteriorate in two ways. Some

will
up the ante
with a particular testing tactic. The volume and length

of a child’s tantrums, for example, may double. Badgering may become

more intense or aggressive, and martyrdom may become more whiney

and pathetic.

The other unpleasant change you may see initially in noncoopera-