The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (5 page)

The two biggest mistakes that parents and teachers make in

dealing with children are these: Too Much Talking and Too Much

Emotion. As we just saw, thinking of kids as little adults and then talking

and chattering too much is bad because it either doesn’t work or it takes

you through the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome
.
Ironically, too

much talking and explaining makes kids less likely to cooperate because

it irritates and distracts them.

Why is too much emotion destructive? Don’t people today tell you

to “let it all hang out” and show your feelings? “Express yourself and

don’t keep it all inside” is the advice of the moment.

Is this a good suggestion if you are a parent? One-half of it is good advice

and the other half is not. The good half is this: If you are feeling positively

toward a child, by all means let it show. Express your affection. You are

not going to do anything harmful and you will do some good.

The bad half of this advice, though, applies to times when you are

irritated or angry with your children. “Letting it all hang out” at these

moments can be a problem, because when we parents are mad we often

do the wrong thing. Angry adults can yell, scream, belittle and nag; they

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20 1-2-3 MAGIC

can also physically endanger their kids.
1-2-3 Magic
is as much a control

on parental anger as it is a control on children’s behavior. Uncontrolled

expression of parental aggravation is never a good idea.

There is another reason why too much emotion can interfere with

effective parenting and effective teaching. When they are little, kids feel

inferior. They feel inferior because they
are
inferior. They are smaller,

less privileged, less intelligent, less skillful, less responsible and less of

just about everything than their parents and the

Key Concepts… older kids. And this “lessness” bugs them a lot.

If you have a child who

They don’t like it. They do like to feel they are

is doing something

powerful and capable of making some mark on

you don’t like,

the world.

get real upset

Watch your two-year-olds. They want to be

about it on a

regular basis and,

like the five-year-olds, who can do a lot more

sure enough, she’ll repeat neat things. The five-year-olds, in turn, want to

it for you!

be like the ten-year olds. And the ten-year-olds

want to be like you; they want to drive cars and

use credit cards! They want to have some impact on the world and to

make things happen.

Have you ever seen a small child go down to a lake and throw rocks

in the water? Children can do that for hours, partly because the big splashes

are a sign of their impact. They are the ones causing all the commotion.

What does throwing rocks in the water have to do with what happens at

home? Simple. If your little child can get big-old-you all upset,
your upset

is the big splash for him
. Your upset makes your child feel powerful. His

reacting this way does not mean that he has no conscience and is going to

grow up to be a professional criminal. It’s just a normal childhood feel-

ing: Having all that power temporarily rewards—or feels good to—the

inferior part of the child. Parents who say, “It drives me absolutely crazy

when she eats her dinner with her fingers!! Why does she do that?!” may

have already answered their own question. She may do that—at least

partly—
because it drives them crazy.

An important rule, therefore, is this: If you have a child who is doing

something you don’t like, get real upset about it on a regular basis and,

sure enough, she’ll repeat it for you.

THE TWO BIGGEST DISCIPLINE MISTAKES 21

When it comes to discipline, you want to be consistent, decisive and

calm. So what we recommend in
1-2-3 Magic
is that you apply—during

moments involving conflict or discipline—what we call the “No-Talking

and No-Emotion” Rules. Since we’re all human, these two rules really

mean very little talking and very little emotion.
This point is absolutely

critical to your effectiveness
. There are discipline systems other than the

1-2-3, but you will ruin any of them by talking too much and getting too

excited. These two mistakes, of course, usually go hand in hand, and the

emotion involved is usually anger.

Some parents and teachers can turn off the talking and the emotional

upset like a faucet, especially once they see how effective it is to keep

quiet at the right times. Other adults, however, have to bite their lips

bloody to get the job done. I saw a T-shirt the other day that said, “Help

me—I’m talking and I can’t stop!” Lots of moms, dads and teachers

have to remind themselves over and over and over again that talking,

arguing, yelling and screaming not only don’t help, they actually make

things worse. These “tactics” merely blow off steam for a few seconds.

If, after a month to six weeks of using
1-2-3 Magic
, parents find that they

can’t shake these habits, it’s time to face facts: Some sort of outpatient

evaluation and counseling is indicated (for the adult, not the child!).

Chapter Summary:

Too Much Talking

Too Much Emotion

Part II

Controlling Obnoxious

Behavior

5

Counting Obnoxious Behavior

You want your children to (1) learn to think and

(2) take responsibility for their own behavior.

Your kids are acting up. You know now you’re not supposed to get too

excited and start chattering. So just what are you supposed to do?

To help with your first giant parenting step—controlling obnoxious

behavior—we’ll describe the 1-2-3, or counting. Counting is surprisingly

powerful and deceptively simple, but you have to know what you’re do-

ing. Here in the beginning, keep two things in mind.

First, you will use the 1-2-3, or counting method, to deal with Stop

(obnoxious or difficult) behavior. In other words, you will be counting

things like arguing, fighting, whining, yelling, tantrums, etc. You will

not use the 1-2-3 to get the child up in the morning, to get her to do her

homework or to motivate her to practice the piano.

Second, if you are new to
1-2-3 Magic
, after you hear how to do the

1-2-3, you will be skeptical. The procedure will seem too easy; it may

not appear aggressive or tough enough. Some of you will think, “Hey,

you don’t know my kid. This kid is a wild man!”

Don’t worry about feeling skeptical. Remember the 1-2-3
is
decep-

tively simple, but it is not always easy. The “magic” is not in the counting.

Anyone can count. The magic—or what may seem like magic—is in the

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26 1-2-3 MAGIC

No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules, which make children think and take

responsibility for their own behavior.

Of course, there really is no magic in
1-2-3 Magic
. It just seems that

way. The program represents the careful, logical and persistent extension

of a special behavioral technology to the gentle discipline and training of

children. Soon—when conflicts with kids arise—you will feel like a new

person: consistent, decisive and calm.

Undoubtedly, after our initial explanation, you will have questions.

We will attempt to answer all of your questions in the next chapter. After

that, and after you have read through the information in Chapters 6-10,

you can begin counting.

Counting Difficult Behavior

How does the 1-2-3 work? Imagine you have a four-year-old child (some of

you don’t have to imagine!). This child is having a major temper tantrum on

the kitchen floor at 6 p.m. because you—in your hardness of heart—would

not give him a small bag of potato chips right before dinner. Your son

is banging his head on the floor, kicking your new kitchen cabinets, and

screaming bloody murder. You are sure the neighbors can hear the noise

all the way down the block, and you’re at a loss for what to do.

Your pediatrician told you to ignore your son’s temper tantrums,

but you don’t think you can stand it. Your mother told you to put a cold

washcloth on the youngster’s face, but you think her advice is strange.

And, finally, your husband told you to spank the boy.

None of these is an acceptable alternative. Instead, with the 1-2-3,

you hold up one finger, look down at your noisy little devil, and calmly

say, “That’s 1.”

He doesn’t care. He’s insane with rage and keeps his tantrum going

full blast. You let five seconds go by, then you hold up two fingers and

say, “That’s 2.” You get the same lousy reaction; the tantrum continues.

So after five more seconds, you hold up three fingers and say, “That’s 3,

take 5.”

Now what does all this mean? It means that your son was just given

two chances—the first two counts—to shape up. But in this instance he

blew it—he didn’t shape up. So there is going to be a consequence. The

COUNTING OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR 27

consequence can be a “rest period” or “time out” (about one minute per

year of the child’s life), or the consequence can be what we call a “time

out alternative” (loss of a privilege or toy for a period of time, bedtime

fifteen minutes earlier, twenty-five cents off the allowance, no electronic

entertainment for two hours, etc.)

Let’s imagine the consequence you choose is a rest period or time

out. (Time outs work just fine, by the way, if they are administered fairly

by non-tantruming adults.) After you say “That’s 3, take 5,” the child goes

to time out. (Some of you are wondering, “How do I get him there?” That

question will be answered in the next chapter.)

After the time out is served, you will not believe what happens

next. Nothing! No talking, no emotion, no apologies, no lectures, no

discussions. Nothing is said unless it is absolutely

necessary, which is usually not the case.

Quik Tip…

You do not say, for example, “Now, are you What is going to

going to be a good boy? Do you realize what happen, in a

you’ve been doing to your mother all afternoon?! relatively short

Why do we have to go through this all the time? period of time, is this:

I’m so sick and tired of this I could scream!! Now You’ll start getting good

control—believe it or