The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (2 page)

3. Behavior problems, as well as testing and manipulation by the

child, are continuing at too high a level for more than three weeks after

starting the program. Your child was hard to manage before
1-2-3 Magic
.

Now he’s better, but you still feel managing him is too much of a grind.

Check it out.

4. Trust your instincts. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you have

been worrying about a particular problem in your child for more than

six months, that’s too long. See someone and find out if there is, in fact,

something wrong. If there is, try to fix it or learn how to manage it. If

there’s nothing wrong, stop worrying.

iv
1-2-3 MAGIC

Serious psychological and behavioral problems in young children

frequently include persistent difficulties with the following:

• Paying attention or sitting still

• Language development, social interaction, and

restricted interests

• Negative, hostile and defiant behavior

• Excessive worrying or unusual anxiety about separation

• Loss of interest in fun activities and irritability

• Excessive verbal and physical aggression

• Disregard for age-appropriate norms and rules

• Unexpected learning difficulties

What’s New in the Third Edition?

In the third edition of
1-2-3 Magic
, a number of new chapters appear,

including “When Do You Talk?” “Overparenting” and “Real Magic:

One-on-One Fun.” Also, Part V, Strengthening Your Relationship, is a

reorganization of the second edition’s Part VI, Your Child’s Self-Esteem.

This reorganization allows us to simplify the description of our overall

parenting strategy (and give new meaning to “1-2-3”) by identifying three

separate and critical parenting steps:

1. Controlling Obnoxious Behavior

2. Encouraging Good Behavior

3. Strengthening Your Relationship

In addition, in this third edition the four chapters for teachers have

been removed in anticipation of our new book—only months away—

1-2-3 Magic for Teachers
. New illustrations, concise sidebars, chapter

summaries and—for the first time!—an index complete the list of im-

provements. We hope that the third edition of
1-2-3 Magic
will give us a

more efficient and powerful way of accomplishing our goal: To make a

dramatic and positive difference—in a short period of time—in the lives

of parents and their young children.

Parenting: Not for the

Faint of Heart!

The only people who think parenting and teaching are easy

are those who have never done either.

an I have a Twinkie?”

“C

“No, dear.”

“Why not?”

“’Cause we’re eating at six o’clock.”

“Yeah, but I want one.”

“I just told you you couldn’t have one.”

“You never give me anything.”

“What do you mean I never give you anything? Do you have

clothes on? Is there a roof over your head? Am I feeding

you in two seconds?!”

“You gave Joey one a half-hour ago.”

“Listen, are you your brother? Besides,
he
eats his dinner.”

“I promise I’ll eat my dinner.”

“Don’t give me this promise, promise, promise stuff, Monica!

Yesterday—at 4:30—you had half a peanut butter and jelly

sandwich and you didn’t eat anything at dinner!”

“THEN I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND THEN

RUN AWAY FROM HOME!!”

1

2 1-2-3 MAGIC

Good Discipline, Good Times

The only people who think parenting and teaching are easy are those who

have never done either one. These tasks are arguably the most important

jobs in the world, but they are also among the easiest to get wrong. Liv-

ing with young children can be one of life’s most enjoyable experiences,

yet it can also become unbelievably frustrating if you don’t quite know

what you’re doing.

Adults with romantic notions of parenting often forget that it is im-

possible to give kids everything they want. Raising and educating children

means that, in addition to nurturing and supporting them, you must also

frustrate them on a regular basis—for their own good and for the good

of everyone. “Now it’s time for bed. Now you must do your homework.

Stop teasing your sister. No you can’t have the Twinkie.” Over and over,

firmness and gentleness are required.

Unfortunately, when they are frustrated, kids do not usually thank

their parents for trying to raise them properly. Instead, youngsters have

an amazing, natural ability to confuse, sidetrack and aggravate the adults

seen as responsible for the kids’ current distress. We call this “testing

and manipulation,” and there are six basic types (Chapter 10). Testing

and manipulation can eliminate fun, destroy affection, impair learning

and—over the long run—ruin relationships.

Repeat the Twinkie scene above a thousand times and you have

guaranteed misery. That’s no way for anyone to live and certainly no way

for any child to grow up.

Children don’t come with a How-To-Raise-Me Training Manual.

That’s why there is a program like
1-2-3 Magic
. Adults need to know how

to handle difficult behavior, encourage good behavior and manage the

inevitable sidetrack of testing and manipulation—all in a manner that is

fair, perfectly clear and not abusive. When children’s inevitable trouble-

some behavior is handled in routine and successful ways, the warmer side

of parenting is allowed to kick in. Affection, talking and listening, praise

and shared fun can flow naturally. Good discipline, in other words, makes

for good times and good relationships. That’s the way you want it.

INTRODUCTION 3

1-2-3: Three Steps to Effective Parenting

1-2-3 Magic
will provide you with three steps for effective parenting. Each

of the three steps is distinct, manageable and extremely important. The

three parenting steps are also mutually interdependent; in other words,

each one depends to some extent on the others for its success. Ignore any

of these steps at your own risk.

Parenting Step 1 (Parts II and III) involves controlling obnnoxious

behavior. You will never like or get along well with your children if they

are constantly irritating you with their whining, arguing, teasing, badger-

ing, tantrums, yelling and fighting. In
1-2-3 Magic
you will learn how to

“count” obnoxious behavior, and you will be pleasantly surprised at how

effective that simple technique is!

Step 2 (Part IV) involves encouraging good behavior. Encouraging

good behavior, such as picking up after yourself, going to bed, being

courteous and doing homework, takes more effort—for both parent and

child—than controlling difficult behavior. You will learn seven simple

methods for encouraging positive actions in your kids.

Finally, in Step 3 (Part V) you will learn some valuable and not-so-

difficult ways of maintaining healthy relationships with your children.

Some parents merely need to be reminded of these strategies; other

parents have to work hard at them. Paying attention to the quality of

your relationship with your children will help you with Steps 1 and 2,

and vice versa.

Let’s get going—and good luck!

3 Steps to Effective Parenting

1. Controlling obnoxious behavior

2. Encouraging good behavior

3. Strengthening your relationship with

your child

Part I

Straight Thinking

1

Is It Magic?

When we first told our kids what we were going to do,

you might say they were stunned.

Magic
is not magic. Instead, it is a simple, precise and

1-2-3

effective way of managing—gently and firmly—the

behavior of children in approximately the two-to-twelve-year-old age

range. The reason for our unusual title is that so many parents, teachers

and other child caretakers have said, “It works like magic!”
1-2-3 Magic

certainly does work if you do it correctly, which means following a

few basic rules. The 1-2-3 is what you might call a “parents-in-charge”

strategy or a “teacher-in-charge” strategy, but no arguing, yelling or

spanking is allowed.

The 1-2-3 program is currently being used all over the world by

millions of parents, teachers, grandparents, day care centers, babysitters,

summer camp counselors, hospital staff and other child caretakers. This

book has been translated into many foreign languages, including Korean,

Italian, Spanish, Japanese and Chinese. The “1-2-3” is also being taught

and recommended by thousands of mental health professionals and pe-

diatricians. At parent-teacher conferences, teachers recommend
1-2-3

Magic
to the parents of their students. They also recommend the program

to their colleagues.

7

8 1-2-3 MAGIC

Why all the enthusiasm? As one parent put it, “
1-2-3 Magic
was

easy to learn and it gave me results. I went back to enjoying my kids and

being the kind of mother I knew I could be.”

The method described in this book is easy to master and
you can

start the program right away
. You do not have to be a saint, genius

or professional psychotherapist to use the 1-2-3 properly. Too many

parenting programs start by pointing out the approximately fifty

to seventy-five mistakes you are supposedly

Quik Tip…

making with your kids at the present time. Then,