The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (24 page)

review the chart at least once a week. You
can
discuss the issue, listen,

give brief suggestions or make modifications at times other than when

the kids are getting ready in the morning.

Take a Deep Breath

Many parents, before they’ve used this gutsy procedure, think their kids

will be indifferent. Moms and dads think their children really won’t care

whether or not they get to school on time. Part of the reason the grownups

think this is the case is because the youngsters have said so.

Never believe a child who says “I don’t care.” He usually means

the opposite.

If you are skeptical about this up-and-out procedure, consider trying

this arrangement and see what happens. Make sure you’re ready, though,

before you start. Most kids—not all, but most—will shape up. The kids

will get up and out on their own. The most important rules are to keep

quiet and be willing to let the children get burned—more than once, if

necessary. You may want to let the school know what you’re doing. Most

teachers and principals will cooperate with you, especially if you explain

your purpose and label the procedure “independence training.”

132 1-2-3 MAGIC

What if you just don’t think you can stand it? You have some other

Start behavior tools. Consider charting, perhaps with artificial reinforc-

ers, and the use of a kitchen timer. Since these kids are older, you might

also entertain the idea of discussing your morning routines at a family

meeting (see Chapter 19). One way or another, though, it is absolutely

critical for everyone to start out the day on a positive note. Adults take

bad memories from unsuccessful mornings to work with them, and kids

can take those same lousy memories to school.

If you are successful using natural consequences? Relax and enjoy

your kids, another cup of coffee, and the peace and quiet.

Good luck!

Summary: Up and Out

1. For preschoolers, give the kids a lot of help and praise.

2. For young children (six to nine), use some basic Start behavior

tactics, such as praise, timers and charting.

3. For older kids, take a deep breath and try natural consequences!

15

Cleaning Rooms, Picking Up

and Chores

Why do I have to do everything around here?!

Messy children’s rooms drive some parents crazy. Your

stomach may churn with distaste when you view the scene of

destruction and chaos that is your daughter’s bedroom. You forgot what

color the carpet was. The cat was last seen in there three weeks ago.

“Barbara, GET UP HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!”

“What?”

“LOOK AT THIS ROOM! I can’t even see the CARPET!

How am I supposed to do your clothes?”

Unfortunately, kids are not naturally neat. Many—if not most—in

fact, are more naturally messy. Perhaps the cleaning gene is missing from

their chromosomal makeup. Conclusion? The youngsters will have to be

trained
to clean their rooms. How can you accomplish that? By this time

you shouldn’t have to be reminded that you won’t get the kids to complete

this unpleasant chore by nagging or delivering the lecture, “The Seven

Reasons Why It’s Easier on Me for You to Have a Clean Room.”

Instead, you have several options. If you’re creative, you can probably

come up with several more. Here are some good ones.

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134 1-2-3 MAGIC

Strategies for Cleaning Bedrooms

Option 1: Close the Door and Don’t Look

Having a clean room is not a life-or-death matter. We know of no research

that indicates that kids who didn’t keep their rooms neat grew up to be

homeless people, mentally unbalanced or have a higher divorce rate. Be-

sides, whose room is it? You don’t have to live in it, so why not just ask

the child to keep the door closed so you don’t have to be aggravated.

Most parents don’t like this idea, but before you dismiss the Close-

the-Door-and-Don’t-Look method, ask yourself one question: Do you

have a child with a significant behavioral or emotional problem, such as

ADD, learning disability, anxiety or depression? If you have a handicapped

child or one who’s very difficult to begin with, why add another set of

difficulties to your problems? Imagine your daughter hates school, hates

homework, has no friends, feels lousy most of the time and fights with

her brother constantly. Should you also get after her about the stuff lying

around on her bedroom floor? You need to straighten out your priorities,

because you have bigger fish to fry.

Option 1 is quite legitimate for some families, but there are two

problems with this procedure: (1) most parents find the notion unaccept-

able, and (2) dirty dishes and dirty laundry, which can’t be ignored.

If you don’t want to use Option 1, more suggestions will follow in

the next sections of this chapter. As for dirty dishes and dirty clothes,

you can try almost any other Start behavior tactic: a timer, charting or the

1-2-3 (if the dishes or clothes can be picked up in less than two minutes)

can be helpful. Remember to praise compliance from time to time with

older kids, and frequently with younger children.

Some parents whose kids are older simply tell them that any clothes

that don’t make it to the laundry or hamper simply don’t get washed.

Then the child has to wash them herself. Those are examples of natural

consequences. The Docking System can also be considered. You go and

get the dirty clothes or dishes from the room, but you charge your son

or daughter for your labor. You’ll feel better about having to do the job.

Make sure you keep your mouth shut about the whole operation and keep

the fees reasonable.

CLEANING ROOMS, PICKING UP AND CHORES 135

Option 2: The Weekly Cleanup Routine

This procedure is a favorite with many moms and dads. With the Weekly

Cleanup, the kids have to clean their rooms only once a week, but ac-

cording to your specifications. You might explain that the following has

to be done: pick up, put clothes in hamper, make bed, maybe vacuum.

A specific day and time, such as Saturday morning, is chosen and the

youngster is not allowed to go outside, play or do anything else until his

room is done and you’ve checked him out. You can check him out by

using a chart if you wish.

Cleaning the room is a Start behavior, and you will be rewarding the

child immediately after the room cleaning with both freedom as well as

praise. If artificial reinforcers are necessary, these rewards will be tallied

or recorded at checkout time.

Many parents have tried something like the Weekly Cleanup Rou-

tine, but the grownups often ruin the whole procedure by getting into an

argument with the child at checkout. Never argue about what needs to be

done; make the specifications clear in the first place. For example:

“I’m done with my room. Can I go out now?”

“Your bed’s not finished.”

“Whadda ya mean? That’s good enough.”

(Mom turns to walk away.)

“What’s the matter with it?”

“That’s 1.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake!!” (Goes to finish bed.)

This Mom had already explained before that the bed has to be

reasonably neatly made, so there was no need for further talk. Her son,

though, starts testing, using the badgering tactic, and, after ignoring the

badgering once, Mom uses the 1-2-3. If the youngster winds up back in

his room with a 3 count and a time out, that’s perfect—he’ll have five

minutes to make his bed properly.

Option 3: Daily Charting

For parents who are more fastidious about cleanliness, the child’s room

can be charted every day using either a star or sticker system (for younger

136 1-2-3 MAGIC

kids) or a 1-through-5 rating system (for older kids). The child should

be informed that your room rating will take place at the same time every

day, such as every night right before bed, though bedtime ratings are not

such a good idea if they typically aggravate everybody. Keep in mind that

expecting a neat room every day is probably asking for a lot of trouble.

So if you insist on this perverse procedure, be nice! Use a lot of praise if

the job is done well, and don’t expect perfection.

Tactics for Picking Up

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: The Close-the-Door-and-Don’t-

Look method applies only to the kids’ rooms. The scheme does not apply

to the rest of your house! It does not mean the children can leave your

kitchen, family room, dining room or hallways constantly cluttered with

all their things. As all parents know, kitchen counters and tables are such

convenient dumping grounds!

In our research, not picking up after yourself was the main Start

behavior problem reported by parents of young children. You certainly

can’t close a door and not look when the entire house is involved. Here

are some ideas.

Kitchen Timer and Docking System

These two Start behavior tactics can be very useful in getting the house

picked up—especially when you can’t avoid having to straighten up on

the spur of the moment. When the job has to be done right away, the

timer is helpful for picking up rooms, such as family rooms and kitchens.

If a surprise guest is coming over, you may not have much time to play

around:

“Hey, kids. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson are coming over in 45

minutes. I’ll need all your stuff out of the kitchen by then.

I’m setting the timer.”

When using the timer like this, it’s perfectly OK to add an artificial reward

if the room is done within a certain time, or even an artificial punishment

if it’s not. Just be sure not to use artificials for everything you ask the kids

to do. Your praise should be enough reward most of the time—and don’t

CLEANING ROOMS, PICKING UP AND CHORES 137

forget that part of a child’s satisfaction when you praise him is knowing

that he did something that made you happy.

The Garbage Bag Method

This procedure has been a favorite of parents for many years. The deal is

this. You first encourage the children, as much as possible, not to leave

their stuff lying around the house. You’re not going to expect perfection.

“Stuff” includes clothes, DVDs, books, papers, toys, shoes, pens, comics,

electronic games, videos, fossils and so on.

Next, you tell the kids that at a certain time

every day, their things have to be removed from Quik Tip…