The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (25 page)

the public areas of the house and returned to their Your kids do not

bedrooms. Maybe you pick 8:00 as the cutoff have a right to

mess up your entire

time. Anything left out after 8:00 will be picked house! Tell the children

up by you and put into a big garbage bag or some that by a certain time

other container, and the child will lose the right every day, anything of

theirs that you find lying

to use those items until 6:00 the following day. around will be confiscated

You can set the times however you want.

and unavailable to them

Some parents threaten to actually throw until a certain time the

following day. Pick up

away the things they find that are not put away. the kids’ things without

There are two problems with this notion. First, grumbling or lecturing.

You’ll soon find that

if you do throw away some of your children’s before the magic hour

possessions, that’s pretty harsh. After all, they’re comes each day, the

just kids and don’t have an inherent desire to pick youngsters will be

scurrying around to

up after themselves. Second, it’s likely you won’t salvage their possessions.

really throw the stuff away, you’ll just go bluster-

ing around about that possibility and about how

unfair your life is. In this case, you are simply making a useless, empty

threat, and the kids will catch on to you right away.

Imagine you’re using the garbage bag routine and have picked 8:00

as the cutoff time. At 7:50 you remind seven-year-old Caitlin that her

things need to be picked up. She doesn’t respond because she doesn’t

really think you’ll do anything. At 8:05, however, when you quietly be-

gin walking around with a large, plastic bag and have already claimed

five of her prize posessions, Caitlin becomes a believer. She runs around

138 1-2-3 MAGIC

frantically grabbing whatever of hers she can find before you get to it and

yelling, “This is stupid! This isn’t fair!”

You consider counting her screaming, but you don’t. You put the

bag away in your bedroom closet. The following night at 7:50, when

you say “Clean up time!” Caitlin scurries around retrieving her things

and then she takes them to her bedroom. You say, “Good job, Caitlin—it

looks real nice in here!”

The 55-Gallon Drum

This next plan is one that I cannot take credit for. The idea was described to

me by a lady I spoke with on the phone many years ago. She told me that

picking up around her house had never been a problem. This resourceful

mother kept a 55-gallon, metal drum in the garage, which was right next

to her kitchen. Whenever she would find anything of her children’s that

was out of place, she would simply put the items in the metal drum.

This procedure had become so routine with her four boys, that when-

ever one of the kids couldn’t find something of his, he would simply look

in the drum. For example, her second oldest came running into the kitchen

one day and exclaimed, “Mom, I can’t find my gym shoes. Are they in the

drum?” “Yes,” was mother’s reply, and the incident was over.

You say you don’t happen to have a 55-gallon drum handy or your

kids couldn’t reach in there if you did? A large box will do fine.

Chores

By now you could probably write this section on chores yourself, so we

only need to make a few points. First of all, praise your little ones (five

and under) whenever they help out, but don’t expect them to be able to

remember or to sustain work projects for more than a few minutes. Sec-

ond, when the kids are approximately six and over, consider using the

Family Meeting (see Chapter 19) to discuss and divide up the jobs that

regularly need to be done. This planning will help you avoid the Curse

of the Spontaneous Request, which we mentioned earlier.

Third, charting is an excellent tactic for chores. The chart serves both

as a reminder of what needs to be done, as well as a record of how well

the task was accomplished. When charting chores, consider trying only

CLEANING ROOMS, PICKING UP AND CHORES 139

natural reinforcers (praise, the chart itself and job satisfaction) initially.

See how far you get with naturals and only use artificial rewards (allow-

ance, points, etc.) if you’re not getting anywhere because the task is so

obnoxious or foreign to your youngster.

Fourth, the Docking System is also perfectly suited to chores. If the

kids don’t do what they’re supposed to, you quietly do it for them and

they pay you. Keep in mind that the payment should not be accompanied

by a parental lecture about responsibility. Also be forewarned that some

kids will be happy to simply pay you for doing their jobs, and their chore-

completion behavior will not improve. What do you do in this case? You

can up the ante—they pay more for you to do the chore. Or you can just

take the money and run. Consider this an introduction for your child to

the workings of a service economy: You don’t get free service, you pay

for it. There’s a lesson in that for your kids.

One final word about pets. Caring for an animal is obviously a chore.

When they are overwhelmed with excitement about getting a cat or dog,

most kids don’t realize that eventual y having this animal wil mean having

to regularly complete boring tasks, such as feeding, watering, cleaning

up and brushing. When it comes to pets, our Start behavior tactics are

not all equally helpful. Praise, the use of a timer, and charting can all

be useful, of course. Natural consequences is inappropriate, however,

because this method endangers the animal. Perhaps the best method for

pets is the Docking System, because you can care for the pet while your

child is learning to be more responsible.

With regard to pets, however, the best advice for parents is this:

Don’t get any animal that you don’t want to take care of yourself.

Parents’ Favorites

For CLEANING ROOMS: The Weekly Cleanup Routine

For PICKING UP: The Garbage Bag Method

For CHORES (except homework): The Docking System

16

Mealtimes

The family that eats together...

They say mealtimes are supposed to be a time for family togetherness

and family bonding. Dinnertime is a time to open up, talk about

your day and enjoy everybody’s company. Unfortunately, it all too often

happens that when you mix together some general childhood fidgetiness,

a little sibling rivalry, a finicky eater or two and tired parents, you’ve got

a recipe for an unpleasant time.

The Case of Picky Pete

Here’s a situation most parents have experienced at one time or another.

It’s suppertime at the Jenkins’ house. Peter, however, is not a happy

camper. He’s picking unenthusiastically at his food:

Mom: “Come on, Peter. Let’s get going.”

Peter: “I’m not hungry.”

Dad: “What did you have to eat after school?”

Peter: “Not that much.”

Dad: “Then how come you’re not eating?”

Peter: “I am eating!”

141

142 1-2-3 MAGIC

Mom: “No you’re not!”

Peter: “We never have anything I like.”

Silence. Parents look at each other and continue eating.

Peter: “Why do I have to eat this stuff?”

Mom: “Because, you know, you want to grow up to be big —strong.”

Peter: “But I don’t like any of it.”

Mom: “OK, if you don’t finish, there will be no dessert and nothing

else to eat before bed. Do you understand?”

Alicia (Peter’s sister): “I like what we’re having.”

Peter: “Oh, shut up!”

Dad: “Peter, you’ve got five minutes to finish.”

Peter: “Dogfood’s better than this junk!”

Dad: “Go up to your room, right now, young man! That’s no way to

talk to anyone!!”

Peter departs.

This scene is anything but a warm and friendly family interaction.

This episode has all the elements for disaster: one picky eater, two fight-

ing sibs and two weary parents who are talking too much and asking silly

questions. Here are several ideas to help avoid this kind of trouble.

Small Portions and a

Try this with your Kitchen Timer

finicky eaters. Give

the kids super-

Do you have fussy eaters like Picky Pete? Get

small portions and out a kitchen timer and set it for twenty minutes

then set the timer for

when you all sit down at the table. Tell the kids

twenty minutes. If the

children finish before the

they have to finish their dinner in that time. If

timer goes off, they get

they do finish the meal in twenty minutes, they

their dessert. You may not

get their dessert.

nag or prompt—the timer

When starting the kitchen timer method,

will do that for you.

initially give your hard-to-please children very

small portions of foods they don’t like. Even

ridiculously small, if necessary, such as three peas, a tablespoon of scal-

loped potatoes, two bites of pork chop. Research shows that children who

are exposed to new foods, but not forced to eat them, will often come

MEALTIMES 143

around and start to enjoy some of the more exotic possibilities. That result

is a lot more healthy in the long run for them.

If the kids goof around or fight at the dinner table, they get counted. If

anyone hits a count of three, he is timed out for five minutes while the twenty

minutes on the timer keeps on ticking. Don’t do any prodding or nagging

about eating, such as, “Come on now, don’t forget the timer’s ticking” or

“Quit that goofing around and get down to eating, young man!” (How are

you going to finish your own meal if you’re talking all the time?)

You are probably also aware by now that you would not count the

kids for not eating. Eating is a Start behavior, not a Stop behavior. What

will help prompt the children to wolf down the chow? The timer: tick,

tick, tick. You can, though, praise the kids when they do eat.

What if the timer rings and there is still food on the plates? No des-

sert—at least yet. The plate goes into the kitchen and onto the counter.

Cover the plate with plastic wrap. After one half hour has expired, the

children have the right to finish the meal if they wish. The food can be

nuked quickly in the microwave if necessary. If the youngsters don’t ever

eat the rest of their meal, that’s fine—but still no dessert. Some parents

throw the rest of the child’s dinner down the disposal when the timer hits