Tangled Dreams (23 page)

Gavin waking up early to do chores decided to go check on Maddie, he felt so guilty about last night and for getting so mad. He was so disappointed that they didn’t have a good night together and he knew it was his fault. He should have never let Clay get to him. He just knew Maddie had such a soft spot for Clay and it really bothered him and he didn’t know why. Well, other than the fact he was so in love with her that it tore his heart out every day. But, he wasn’t going to force the issue on her when she didn’t feel the same way. She’s been through way to much. Even though it hurts to stand by and watch, if Clay makes her happy then I should back off of him. She’ll find out sooner or later how much of a pansy ass he is. I hope. Tiptoeing in quietly, she was laying face down in her pillows with her bare back showing and he could see her breathing slowly her body pressed into the mattress. He couldn’t remember seeing her more beautiful with her hair fanned out on the pillow, her beautiful bare back shimmering in the early sunlight. Walking lightly to her he gave her a gentle kiss on the shoulder and pulled her blanket up to her shoulders worried she would get cold. Adjusting a bit she turned her head to the other side and mumbled Gavin’s name. Studying her he would of thought that if any name would come out of her mouth it would be Clays. Turning around he walked silently back out. Wanting more than anything to crawl up in that bed next to her. Wrap his arms around her and tell her exactly how he felt.

Getting dressed I was dreading the next day at school and knew Clay would be expecting an answer from me. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But, sometimes I wonder why I’m holding back from him and holding out for someone I know I can never have. I just don’t know what to do. Sitting back down on the bed I started in on my homework again and was making a decent dent in it and figured I could get caught up maybe by midweek if I stayed on top of it and not get distracted.

By afternoon I heard Gavin come in rummaging around in the kitchen and soon I heard a knock on my door.

“Yeah, come in.” I said still looking down at my book.

“You ready for lunch Maddie?” Poking his head in. Looking up at him he was covered in dirt and looked very cold. “Oh Gavin are you alright? You look like your freezing.”

“I’m used to it. You ready to eat?”

“Nah, I’m not really hungry.”

“Maddie you have to eat something. You haven’t ate since last night.” Standing there clearly annoyed.

“Gavin I don’t have much of an appetite today. I’ll be alright. I can clearly live off my body fat for quite some time.” I said jokingly. But, I don’t think he thought it was very funny. Mr. Grumpy didn’t have a sense of humor today. I couldn’t blame him after the catastrophe of a night last night.

“Alright. Suite yourself. Holler if you change your mind.” Walking out and shutting the door.

“Don’t worry I won’t.” I said under my breath now annoyed to. I spent all day hitting the books and heard Julia, William and the girls get in right at supper time. Gavin didn’t come back in to talk to me the rest of the day.  It gets hard when we spend time together and so complicated. I do miss my best friend. The Gavin who wasn’t afraid to touch me, to laugh with me, and at me. The guy who could spin my whole world around with his penetrating gaze and a kiss that sent my body on fire. He was so at ease around me then. But, that was before the decision not to be involved in that sort of way with each other and that was when everything changed. It was like if we couldn’t be “together” then we quite literally couldn’t be together at all.

The next day I had all my books in tow heading out to the truck with Gavin to head to school. He hadn’t said anything to me except for Good Morning and I think he planned on keeping it that way. Walking into the school we soon split up and I was at my locker piling in my huge stack of books. Getting ready for my first class I wasn’t here thirty seconds and Clay was walking up with a huge smile on his face and he did look handsome with his hair spilling over his face. But, he always looked good. That wasn’t anything unusual.

“Hey Madison. Welcome back.”

“Hi Clay.” I said struggling putting in my books.

“I missed you. It’s nice to have you back.” Pulling me in for a hug repentantly. But, it was nice. “Here let me help you.” Nudging me aside he picked up the pile up off the floor and stacked them in.

“Thanks Clay. I’m glad they are back in my locker where they are supposed to be.”

“Not a problem. Have you thought about what we talked about?”

“Yeah and no.” I said looking away from him. “I’m sorry I was really busy with homework I didn’t have much of a chance to think about anything but chemistry or Biology.”

“That’s alright but you did promise, don’t forget.”

“I haven’t forgotten.”

“You sitting with anyone at lunch today?”

“I’ll probably sit with Andrea. I haven’t talked to her for a while now.”

“Oh. Well, you think you could pencil me in sometime this week? I have missed seeing you.”

“Sure Clay. I gotta get to class though, so I’ll talk to ya later. okay?”

“Alright. I’ll walk with you.”

The last bell of the day rang and I zig zagged through the hallways to my locker. Clay spotted me on the way and asked me if I wanted a ride home in which I declined. He obviously wasn’t happy about it. However, I rarely make anyone happy lately. Getting in the truck I looked at my even bigger list of homework that was added on today feeling  extremely over whelmed and tired. I was still having problems with balance and exhaustion and Gavin could clearly see it in my eyes and the slow way I was moving.  I could see the anger replaced with worry and sympathy which was something I was trying to avoid. I hated making him worry about me. I would rather him be mad at me, at least then he wasn’t worrying about me all the time. He has such a kind heart any girl would be privileged to have him. And when that girl comes along and sees that and decides to keep him I’m going to hate her for it. Leaning my head against the cold glass I shut my eyes and let the exhaustion wash over me struggling to stay awake knowing all the homework I had in front of me. I know not eating yesterday and barely eating a couple bites at lunch today was not helping but I just wasn’t hungry. When we pulled into the drive way and stopped, I snapped open my eyes and started gathering up my books as fast as I could as to not bother Gavin. Suddenly he took them out of my hands. “Gavin I can get them.”

“Look at yourself Maddie. Your exhausted.”

“No, I’m not. I’m fine. I have to get in and get started, and you have to go and do chores. So let me go. I’ll be fine.” I said smiling reassuringly.

“Yeah, right. Your overdoing it. I can tell. I’ll carry up your books.”Getting out and coming around the truck to walk up the steps. I unfortunately, stumbled hopping down which isn’t anything new. Even on my best day I fall but this time I about fell flat on my face. Gavin dropped my books on the porch and come running over to me to steady me.

“Damn it Maddie. You are going inside to rest and I’m not giving you your books until you do.” He said holding me tightly.

“Gavin you can’t do that, they’re mine.”

“Would you rather me take your books for a couple hours? Or tell Mom? In which she’ll take them all night and then call the school tomorrow and make sure you have another whole day of rest. So chose your evil.” He said smirking.

“You wouldn’t.” I said glaring up at him.

“Try me.” Glaring straight back at me.

“Fine! But, I’m not some child you can bully. Let me have my books and I promise I won’t touch them at least until after supper.” I said looking up at him sweetly.

Staring down at me intently “No. No way. Not going to happen.”

“Gavin.” I whined stomping my right foot hard on to the patio.

“Look, since your not going to touch them then it doesn’t matter if I’m keeping them right? So, conversation over.”

Scooting me towards the door with his hand on my back. Damn it he was so stubborn and strong. Annoyingly strong. Heading up the stairs he was behind me the entire time. “Right after supper you better be giving them to me and not a minute later.”

“Alright, after you get some rest and EAT.” He emphasized. “I will return them to you.”

Finally with the last step we got to the top of the landing and stopped and I turned around to look up at him.

“Maddie I don’t mean to be a hard ass. I just know how you get and I don’t want you over doing it.”

Looking down into my eyes it was easy to see the concern in his and I understood why he was doing it. I would act the same way if the roles were reversed. “I know Gavin.” I said rolling my eyes annoyed. Leaning down towards me I could feel his breath on my face our eyes connecting and I held my breath as he leaned closer until our faces were mere inches apart. Just as I was sure he was about to kiss me he reached behind my back and grabbed the door knob opening my door. When he pulled back I was sure he could see the disappointment in my face. Turning around suddenly I feel a smack on my butt.

“Now get your cute little ass in there and rest.” Smirking walking off. With me standing here stunned, my mouth on the floor. I watched him walk off and down the stairs. He never ceases to amaze me. After walking in and closing the door I couldn’t help but to laugh. That was a glimpse of the Gavin I missed so much that it makes my heart ache.

The next few weeks drug on relentlessly. Luckily I got caught up with all my late homework and Clay gave me some much needed space. Looking around class today everything was decorated for Christmas and it was hard not thinking about dad constantly. Missing the apartment I called home. Buying dad presents and baking cookies. Sitting around the Christmas tree and having our Christmas eve “movie night.” We didn’t watch anything particular, it was just the fact that we were together and we made it a tradition. This Christmas was going to be the worst. Trying not to think about my absentee mother either. But, right now time was my ultimate enemy and I just wanted it to speed up. So, here I am trying to figure out how I fit in my “new” found family and how Christmas was going to go. I already had picked out a few presents for the girls. I bought Aunt Julia a sweater, Uncle William well, I haven’t thought of anything for him. Gavin’s present is still a working progress also. I want it to be something nice, personal, but not to personal, but something to show him how much I care. I’m not putting any pressure on myself or anything. I still have a little bit of time to think about it.

The bell rang and I walked out of class and tried to shut out the giggling from the girls groping all over Gavin. Even though he ignores them for the most part it still hurts when he does laugh or smile at one of them. So, I just try to shut my eyes, grit my teeth and go on. Walking in the hallway I sighed a deep breath of relief getting out of that claustrophobic cell that they call a class room. Practically running over to a corner of the hall where there were no lockers I leaned up against the wall to take a deep breath and try to grab my bearings. I still feel weak once in a while but, other than that I was completely back to normal. Well, as normal as possible. Leaning against the wall I took a deep breath and closed my eyes trying to close out all the people that were running past me in a furious pace trying to get to there next class. Trying to find their friends to talk to, or spread a rumor. Finding their significant other of the day, or even hour with some of these people. Opening back up my eyes I was face to face with Clay standing in front of me smirking.

“What are you doing Madison?” He asked amused.

“I’m resting.” I said closing my eyes again banging my head gently against the wall.

“Oh.” Still smiling.

“Alright. I think I’ll rest to.” Moving to stand beside me leaning up against the wall to. “This is a very restful spot, not at all noisy, or high traffic.” Trying to hide his smirk looking over at me. Barely opening one eye I turned my head to look at him and laughed at him being a smart ass.

“Yeah, well this is the best I could do under the circumstances.”

“I suppose it’ll have to do. However if you’re really desperate for a low traffic quiet spot you could go out with me on Friday night.” Looking at her searching her face for any sort of reaction at all.

“Clay, I don’t know if I’m ready for that sort of direction for us .”

“So, there is an us?” He said hopefully.

“Clay.” I sighed. “You don’t know when to give up.”

“It doesn’t have to be a date. It can be going out with your friend.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Alright. That’s probably the best I am going to be able to do right now.

“Yeah it is.” I said with a head ache starting. I wonder why every time I hang out with him lately it ends in a massive head ache. Looking forward I spotted Gavin walking out of the classroom glancing over we made eye contact which he immediately broke and walked off into the opposite direction. Of course Clay saw the exchange.

“He doesn’t like me anymore does he?”

“Can you blame him?”

“No, I’m just as jealous of him.”

Looking up at him. “What? Why?” I asked confused.

“He gets to live with you. He gets to see your beautiful face in the morning. He gets to spend time with you. He gets to be in a part of your life I know I’ll never get to be in no matter how hard I try.”

“Clay I gotta go.” I said starting to walk off.

“Madison?”

“Yeah?”

“Have a good Christmas break. Call me about Friday night.” He said pulling me in for a hug.

“Alright Clay.” Walking away and to my next class where I knew I would see Gavin and it made me so happy. I could see him twenty four hours a day and it still wouldn’t be long enough. Of course he could never know that. Sighing I walked into my next class and shut the door.

On Christmas eve I woke up to a quiet house and was just relieved that I didn’t have to go to school. I knew Aunt Julia would be down stairs already baking pies for tomorrows dinner. Uncle William I knew was supposed to be outside doing chores with the farm hand. He was actually gracious enough to give Gavin two days off. Christmas and Christmas eve. Kayla and Kylie were most likely down stairs helping Aunt Julia cook. Gavin, I wasn’t sure what he was doing today. Laying in bed I listened quietly for him in his bedroom but, the only thing I heard was silence. Rolling out of bed, deciding I would get dressed and see if aunt Julia needed another hand.

Walking to my closet I yanked a light blue sweater out and an old pair of jeans and made my way down stairs. Looking around I didn’t see Gavin but, I knew he would be up already. Getting to the kitchen aunt Julia was facing away from me towards the counter making pies, and cookies with the girls on each side of her standing on chairs.  They were laughing and they had flour smeared all over there faces and I felt an over whelming sadness wash over me.  I backed out quietly with tears streaming down my face. Once I cleared the room I turned around to run back upstairs and ran into what I could only describe as what felt like a brick wall.

Reaching out and grabbing me Gavin steadied me. “Whoa, Maddie where are you going in such a hurry?” Looking down into her face he realized she was upset and knew it would be a hard time for her and hated seeing her so sad.

“I’m just going back up to my room.” I said avoiding eye contact.

“You want some company?”

“I’m alright Gavin. I just got to get through these two days then I’ll be okay.” I said trying to convince myself of that as much as him. “Where did you come from anyways?” I asked trying to change the subject.

“I was upstairs.” He said taking the back of his hand and wiping the tears rolling down my cheek.

“Well, you can tell me no now but you can’t tonight cause I got something planned tonight.” He said with that gorgeous half smirk on his face. At that point I would have agreed to anything.

“Gavin you don’t have to do anything on my account.”

“To late it’s done babe.” He said taking the back of his hand now rubbing my cheek gently giving me a smile before turning around walking back up the stairs.

For the first time in a long time he felt a sense of excitement. He was tired of being the guy who stood in the wings while he watched Clay take what he wanted, and he was thinking about doing something about it tonight.

I spent the day wrapping Gavin’s present among other tasks. I didn’t really know what to get him so I decided on dog tags that had his baseball number on the front and an inscription on the back. I tried to get him something I knew he would like, and something he could wear to remind him of me especially, when he went away to college. Which the thought of that still made my heart throb. Getting out a Christmas Card I decided I would write something nice. More personal.  Finally finished I piled his presents on the bed. The others just the usual DVDs I knew he liked. A couple of gift cards. The presents for everyone else I had already taken down and put under the tree but, I wanted to give him his privately. I was afraid if I gave it to him in front of everyone that they would see how I felt for him and that I didn’t want. I felt some days I was a pane of glass that everyone could see right through and those were the days I stayed clamped up tight in fear of anyone getting close. Looking up to a knock on the door in between our rooms, Gavin walked in. He was in loose bed pants, and a tight sleeveless shirt that showed all the definition of his toned body.

“You ready babe?” Saying with a huge smile on his face.

“Ready for what? I think I’m overdressed.” I said looking at him looking comfortable. With me in a nice sweater and a skirt not sure what he had in mind.

“You look beautiful.” He said walking over and taking me by the hand pulling me off the bed.

“Where are we going?” I asked confused.

“Not far. Just one room over.”

“Oh. Alright, let me grab your presents.” Reaching down I grabbed the presents with my free hand. My other hand was still being held tight. Pulling me into his room I stepped in behind him still confused and my jaw dropped. He had hundreds of twinkling lights strung up every where across the ceiling and the walls. Looking at one corner of the room he had a tiny tree with ornaments all over it and it was lit up also with a couple presents underneath it. In the other corner there was a table with cookies, pies, and drinks. And beside the television was what had to be hundreds of DVD’s. When all of a sudden it hit me what he was trying to do. He was trying to recreate my Christmas Eve’s with Dad in the city. Looking into his eyes with his warm smile I started to cry. I just couldn’t help it.

“Oh god Maddie. What did I do? What’s the matter?” He asked pulling me into his arms.

Crying now uncontrollably I couldn’t remember a time where anyone had been this kind and considerate and I couldn’t love him any more right now. This made me love him so completely and whatever doubts I may have had were banished in this moment. Blubbering uncontrollably in between sobs. “It’s just so beautiful, and it makes me so happy.”

Chuckling holding her tight “Yeah, I could tell.”

Pulling back in between tears I took his face into my hands and planted a kiss on his lips quickly. Pulling away just as quickly. Embarrassed by what I just did.

“Well, that wasn’t the reaction I was expecting but, I’ll sure the hell take it” He said looking into her eyes wiping her tears away from her cheeks.

“I can’t believe you remembered this.”

“I remember everything you tell me Maddie.” Looking down at me still holding me tightly.

“This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

“I doubt that, but either way you deserve it.” He said pulling her into his chest again holding her close with his eyes closed he didn’t want to let her go. He was tired of always having to let her go. A man could only take so much. Leaning her head into his chest.

“I don’t deserve this or you.”

Taking her face into his hands. “Look at me Maddie.”

Looking up into his beautiful eyes I could feel the walls around my heart start to crumble.

“You do deserve this. I would do anything it took to see you happy.” Leaning down not releasing his eyes from her gaze or his hands from her face he brought his lips down to hers and this time it wasn’t fast or awkward. It was slow, deep, and with feeling. She wasn’t about to pull away this time. Lifting her up in his arms he brought her up to his height holding all of her weight in his arms wrapped solidly around her. Not leaving her lips once with his kiss deepening.

Wrapping my arms around his neck I was in heaven. I knew it was wrong. I knew one of us would end up getting hurt. It was just inevitable but, I just couldn’t help myself. My restraint had snapped and I just wanted this one piece of heaven. Just once without over thinking it, and without regret. Wrapping my legs around his waist he pressed me up against the wall for the extra support taking one hand up and through my hair.

He reluctantly pulled away from the kiss staring deeply into her eyes. “Your so beautiful.”

“Nothing compared to you.” I said running my hands up through his wavy hair and down to his neck pulling him back in for another kiss. Which he obliged. Finally pulling away from him before I reached the point where I knew I couldn’t go. I unwrapped my legs from around his waist and he set me back on my feet with his arms still around me.

“You smell so good.” I said resting my cheek on his chest that was still damp from crying earlier.

“I would like to have you this close more often.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Shh you don’t have to say anything.” Closing his eyes resting his chin on the top of her head thinking about how much she was killing him right now. “Do you want me to let you go? I don’t think Clay would like this.” Saying sadly.

“No I don’t want you to let me go, and I don’t care what Clay likes. I’m not with him.” Smiling that was the best news he had ever heard. “Well, maybe you should let go. I have to give you your presents.”

Reluctantly I pulled away and reached down on the desk for his presents. Sitting on his bed he opened his DVD’s that he loved. Putting them with the rest of his pile. I gave him his necklace last. Opening it up, his face lit up with surprise. “Maddie this is nice. You didn’t have to do this.” Flipping it over, reading the inscription.

“To my best friend, Love Maddie.”

“Maddie this is the best present anyone has ever given me.” Reaching over he grabbed me into a hug. “Thank you.”

“Your Welcome.” Picking up the card he opened it and read aloud.

To my best friend,

I know I don’t act like it but, I just want you to know I appreciate you so much. Everything you have done for me, and the kind smile you give to me everyday even when I don’t deserve it. The way you defend me. The way you look at me, and especially the way you treat me. You always make me feel welcome even if were not getting along I know you will always be here for me. Without you I don’t know if I could have ever gotten through these months after dad dying. You’ll never know how much that has meant to me and how very much you mean to me. This Christmas is sad for me without my family but, with you around I still have hope. That’s something no one can ever take away from me. Thank you so much for just being you.

Love Maddie

Looking up at her he tucked it back in the envelope and put his necklace on. “Thank you Maddie. I’ll keep them both forever. Now your turn.” Handing over my presents.

Opening up the first one I found a beautiful pink sweater that buttoned down the front. “Gavin it is beautiful.” I said running my fingers down the soft material.

“Well, mom told me the size.”

“It’s perfect.” I said setting it aside picking up another present.” This one was a small box. Opening it I looked inside to find a beautiful bracelet that matched my sweater. “Gavin this is gorgeous. You shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble. Plus you spent to much. You really shouldn’t have.” Putting his finger to my lips.

“Sh Maddie. I wanted to.” He said taking it from me and hooking it around my wrist. “There’s only one thing wrong with it.” He said holding my hand up studying the bracelet.

Leaning forward looking at it intently. “I don’t see anything wrong with it.” I said with a frown on my face.

“It’ll never be as gorgeous as you.” Looking into my eyes. Smiling I looked down at it and reached over to give him a hug and thank him. Pulling away, alright. One more present. He said this time pulling one from underneath his pillow.

“Gavin you have gotten me to much now.”

“Bull shit. Now open it.” Placing it in my lap.

Unwrapping it I found a leather bound book with my name inscribed on the front of it. Opening it up I realized that it was a journal. The nicest one I had ever seen. “I thought maybe since you like writing so much and since your other one is full, that you might need another one.” He said looking expectantly at me not sure of my reaction. With a heavy heart  I held it close to my chest. “I love it Gavin. You’ll never know how much this means to me.”

“Then why do you look so sad babe?”

“I’m sad that I have met the perfect man. One who knows me so completely. Who is so caring, gorgeous and perfect and it can never be.”

“It can’t or you won’t?” Looking deeply in my eyes.

“I really don’t know.” Setting my book down and crawling up into his lap and his open arms “Forgive me for this moment of weakness Gavin.”

“Madison it’s these moments of weaknesses that I pray for every day. Why do you deny me and deny us?”

“You know why Gavin.”

“No. I know the reasons you say but I can see in your eyes there’s more to it.”

“I wasn’t aware that you might still want to try to be more than friends.” I said careful not to look at him and instead look down at my hands.

“Babe don’t you see the way I look at you? I figured you could see right through me.”

“It was hard seeing you through all those girls.”

“Well, it wasn’t so easy seeing through all of those guys either, namely Clay.” Saying with a note of bitterness in his voice now.

Sighing “I don’t want to fight Gavin.”

“I don’t either. I don’t ever want to fight with you.”

“I love all my presents.”

“I know the journal isn’t the same. I know that you and your dad would write back and fourth but I figured you could still write in it to him. I’m sure he’s still listening. Or just write whatever you feel like.”

Leaning forward I grabbed the journal and then grabbed a pen off the stand next to his bed and sunk comfortably back into his lap.

“What are you doing?” He asked confused.

“You’ll see.” Writing up at the top right hand corner I wrote December 24. Then I went on to write,

 
This has been the best Christmas eve I could of ever hoped for. Just when I thought I was going to be miserable Gavin comes along and makes me happy again. He means so much to me that it hurts to imagine him not around. And I know I take him for granted. He came in and lighted up my life when I thought I could never be happy again. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile but, most of all he makes me trust again.

Reading it as she wrote he was happy to see how she felt about him.

“Okay your turn.” I said grabbing his hand that was wrapped around me and put the pen in it holding the book for him.

“Madison, I can’t. This is for you. This was something special you did with your dad.”

“Now it’s something special that I’m going to do with you.” Smiling at him.

“Alright.” Leaning forward he wrote.

 
To Maddie:

This has been the best Christmas eve I have ever had because I’m spending it with you. I’m sorry about the circumstances that got you here into my life. But, I’m not sorry you’re here. Because now I could never imagine my life without you. I could hardly remember what my life was like before you crashed head long into it. I look forward to spending time with you, and when were not getting along I feel like a part of me is missing. When I can’t hear your laughter, or see your smile I feel like a part of me is dead. You are were you belong now. Here with me. Right or wrong everything happens for a reason and I believe you were meant to come here.