Tangled Dreams

 I don’t know why life has to be so cruel sometimes, taking away the one person that loved me just as much as I loved him. The funeral was packed with people who adored dad. Mom could be counted on to put on a good front which, made me resign to the fact that she missed her calling as an actress. I know I shouldn’t be so cruel and if dad was here he would say, “Maddie you need to be patient with your mother. She has had a difficult life.” Even now causing my eyes to roll back in my head.

Dad loved calling me Maddie and the nickname had kinda stuck. My real name is Madison Elizabeth McKnight. He always said I was beautiful just like my mother and being sixteen years old I have to admit I am looking more and more like her everyday not that, that is a bad thing. Everyone says she is gorgeous constantly complementing her. I have the same shade of blond hair as her and my deep green eyes from dad. Dad was always so proud of me no matter what I did. Even if I fell flat on my face he would always pick me up and dust me off. Memories flashing into my head causing my eyes to well over in tears. Unfortunately, now I suppose I’ll be doing my own dusting off from here on out.

Since the funeral two weeks ago mom has been drinking more and more. Even going as far as staying out even later than usual. That is, if she even comes home at all. Her job has already called twice looking for her because she hasn’t bothered showing up to work lately. To top it off she has been coming home smelling of alcohol and of men’s cologne daily. I get so mad at her for betraying dad, the dirt hasn’t even settled on the grave yet and she’s out seeking male attention. Wiping away my tears, my eyes now turning to anger. Knowing that she is all the family that I have now, is giving me a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Mother and dad never spoke of their family when I was growing up. I’ve never been to family dinners or having the enjoyment of gathering around the table at Thanksgiving with aunts, uncles or even cousins. The things most people take for granted I’ve never had the liberty of enjoying. Now remembering this one occasion when mom came home drunk as usual. I was twelve and she was ranting and raving about how she should have never gotten married at such a young age. If she hadn’t been pregnant her parents would have never disowned her. Well, math has never come especially easy for me but, after figuring her age to mine she would have been fifteen when she was pregnant with me. When I would ask her about it, she would clam up tight and hastily tell me not to worry about it. I got even less information out of dad about his family. He told me once he had a brother and when I asked him more questions he told me he would tell me when I was older. Sadly, now he’ll never get the chance.

Just as I was getting lost in my thoughts, I heard mom come crashing through the door in an incoherent mumble of groans and slurred speech. Walking out into the living room the scene is the same, only a different day. There lay my broken mother sprawled out on the floor, face down mumbling under her breath. Like so many times before, I rolled her over, immediately getting my answer as to why she was face down on the floor. The smell of alcohol was undeniable. Even in this state of a mess she was still the most beautiful person I had ever seen.

Looking at her intensely, she could use a little work right now. Her gorgeous hair all sweaty and clinging to her face. Her beautiful eyes, red and bloodshot. Her cheeks flushed from the over exertion of walking up the flights of steps to get to our apartment. Thinking either the elevator was broken again, or she was to drunk to even think of taking the elevator. It really is a shame. Thinking sadly to myself as I peeled her sweat drenched hair from her forehead.

Like an old overdone movie set on replay, like so many other times before I grabbed her up by the arms and drug her over to our old faded couch propping her up next to it. I couldn’t manage doing any better than that being almost the same size didn’t matter much, dragging dead weight could be difficult for anyone to do. Plus, I’ve never been very strong of a person, not like dad.

When I was little he would life me up with one hand and throw me upside down and hold on to one of my legs and claim he was shaking me down for change. I used to giggle so hard that it hurt.

Looking down at a truly pathetic sight. “Mom are you alright? You have to go to work tomorrow morning and you can’t even stand up.”

“I’m not going to that god forsaken place anymore, they are always mean to me.” She spatted her eyes barely open as she spoke.

“Mom what are you talking about? You have to go to work. If you don’t, we can’t pay our bills.”

“I’m not going back ever!” Rolling her head and closing her eyes.

“Mom don’t pass out. Please wake up! So, this is how it’s going to be now?” With of course no answer, I decided to leave her where she lies and go to bed alone with my worries. Not even bothering to cover her with a blanket.

In the morning I was startled awake to sirens from an ambulance or fire truck, that’s how I get woke up most mornings in the city though. I don’t know how I could live in such a busy place but, feel utterly alone at the same time. Sitting up and running my hands through my thick mane of hair, I was thanking God that it was summer and I didn’t have to get myself ready for school. Most of all I was just relieved that I wouldn’t have the inevitable stares from my classmates and the awkward silences from my friends. I especially didn’t need pity from my teachers right now.

Coming out into the living room I was shocked to see that mother was no longer laying on the floor. Just as I was about to walk back into the bedroom, I heard humming coming from the kitchen. Walking slowly in the kitchen confused, mother was looking young and refreshed.  She looked like last night was nothing more than just a bad nightmare.

“Hi Madison. How are you doing this wonderful morning?”

“Mom what are we going to do if you are not going back to work? Are you looking for another job?” Ignoring her unusual attitude and heading straight to the point.

“No, Madison I am not working in this city ever again. We are moving.”

“Moving, what do you mean moving?” My mind reeling with disbelief.

“Just what I said. We are moving to Illinois. So get your stuff packed so we can get going.”

“Illinois? What about my friends and school? And what about this place? This is our home. This is where we lived with dad! We just can’t.”

Leaning against the counter smirking, “Oh, Madison quit being so dramatic. This is just a dingy old apartment. Totally replaceable. I won’t miss this place one iota.”

“I can’t believe you can be this way. Do you even love me at all?”

“Madison, your being silly. I need a new start. You need a new start.”

“Why do you get to make this big of a decision without me? It affects me to!”

“Oh Madison. I always thought you were to big for your own britches. But, unfortunately for you, I am the mother here, not you. I say we are leaving today. So scoot. Now!”  She said giving me a smack on the butt in order to get me moving faster.

With tears rolling down my cheeks I trudged into my very small room to pack. Looking around I knew it wasn’t going to be that difficult of a task considering I don’t have much. A few clothes, a little bit of second hand makeup from my mothers stash. And of course my most prized possession, the diary dad gave me when I was ten.

Dad gave it to me when he was working double shifts and used to come home dirty and exhausted. I would crawl up into his lap and cry about how I had no one to talk to with him never around. So, he came home with it one day and told me to write everything down I was feeling that day and to leave it on the table. Then when he came home he would write back to me. I used to get so excited in the morning when I would get up and read what he wrote. And as promised he did so everyday until he died. The journal got so thick that he added more paper for me. Now, it’s the only thing I have left of him. His words forever on paper.

Flipping open to the last page he wrote on the day before he died I started to scan it before slamming it shut again. I just wasn’t ready for him to be gone yet. Somehow I knew when I read it, that it would be even more real. Telling myself that he wasn’t coming back over and over. Cursing myself for being so weak, I shoved it into my bag. Come on Madison be strong. Maybe a new start wouldn’t be so bad. God knows I don’t know how many more days I can take knowing dad won’t be asleep in his recliner when I walk into the living room.

“Earth to Madison, are you done packing yet?” Mom asked standing in my door way leaning up against the frame. Her arms crossed in annoyance.

“Yes Mother. I’m done.”

Well, you need to start getting your head out of the clouds. I don’t understand how you can be so smart in school but, so dreamy and gullible otherwise.” She scolded me walking out and back into the living room.

Well, what I don’t understand is how you can be such a ….never mind. It doesn’t do any good to even think about what she is, thinking to myself sadly. She doesn’t even care about leaving our home. But, I guess that is neither here nor there. We are leaving and there is no use fighting it. I don’t have it in me anyways. Even if I wanted to fight there is nothing left here for me anymore. She’s right about one thing however, dad is gone and I have to grow up. I can’t be that cute little dreamer dad was so proud of anymore. I’m sixteen and my mom is just as helpless as I am. With my head held high, I grabbed my suitcase and headed out the door to afraid to look back.

 The bus ride from New York to Illinois isn’t that bad so far, other than getting motion sickness a couple of times. But, now is the time to get some information out of mother. I’m tired of being propelled face first into my future without having any decisions about it along the way.

“Mom where are we going?”

“I told you. Illinois.”

“But, why Illinois? We have never been to Illinois.”

“We are going to Illinois because that is where your aunt and uncle live and where your father grew up.”

“My aunt and uncle?” My curiosity now peaked.

“Yes Madison. You are going to stay with your aunt and uncle and three cousins.” She exclaimed very much annoyed with me.

“What do you mean me? Aren’t you staying?”

“Madison I don’t need a scene. No, I am not staying. I don’t know what your problem is. You have always wanted to know more about your dads family. Now you’re getting the opportunity.”

“Where are you going?” My curiosity now turning to panic.

“I’m going to go on to Chicago where my family lives and visit them for a while. I won’t be gone long.”

“Well, why can’t I go with you?”

“Madison, because I said so. My family and I haven’t talked in years. I need to go alone. You will be just fine. You’re a smart, polite girl. They will love you. Now I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

“Yes mother.” I mumbled feeling the need in that moment to kick her in the shin.

The rest of the ride I felt completely numb. My mind was screaming at me and was on overload. What were my aunt and uncle going to be like? What are their names? And my cousins. I don’t even know if they are boys, girls, their ages, names or anything. Mother was not much help on that either. She only knew my dads bothers name is William. That was all the information I could retrieve from her before she fell asleep.

Pretty soon we were almost there and I was amazed to see fields stretching out as far as the eye could see. I’ve never seen cornfields, or cows before at least not in real life. The views were amazing and I started wondering why dad would ever want to leave such a magical place. It was absolutely beautiful and the best part was it was wide open. I always felt claustrophobic in that tiny apartment. Gazing through the window I had a feeling I wouldn’t have to worry about that anymore.

Leaning my head against the window I took a deep breath, the air was so fresh here. You could tell it had just rained, and everything smelled so clean. It was truly an amazing sight. Just as I was drifting off we pulled up to the bus stop.

“Alright Madison, let’s get going. William should be waiting for you.” Grabbing my hand and pulling me off the bus with strength I didn’t know she possessed.

“Wait a second, aren’t you coming?”

“No Madison I’m going to catch another bus to Chicago. I told you I was going to see my family.”

“What? Your not even going to go with me for a couple of days? You’re just going to throw me in with a bunch of strangers?”

“Oh nonsense. They are your family. You’ll be just fine. ” Walking out into the bus depot, I watched mom as her eyes starting scanning all the strangers.

“Ah William, there you are.” Looking into the crowd, I spotted who she was waving over. He isn’t very tall I noticed. Not at all like dad. Actually, very short, with gray hair and looked a lot older than dad. With faded bib overalls on he sauntered slowly over to us. Actually, he doesn’t look like dad at all. Dad was tall, at least six-foot two, a lot younger looking without a gray hair on his head. Dad’s hair was dark and cut short, and he was very muscular from the hard labor all those years. I also got the distinct feeling that my “new” uncle did not look very friendly.

“Hello Sandra. So this is Madison?”

“Yes it is. Madison this is your Uncle William.” Pushing me forward to shake his hand.

“Hi William. Nice to meet you.” I said politely. William just kind of stood there giving me the once over. He must have been satisfied enough because he just grunted and looked over at my mother.

“Are things well with you Sandra?”

“Yes, well you can imagine how rough it’s been. It was to bad you couldn’t make it to the funeral.”

That just got another grunt out of him. And made me wonder how he could act so indifferent to his own brother dying. What happened to make him and my father so bitter towards each other?

“Well, Sandra we have to go. I have cows to feed and chores to get done. Julia could use some help around the house also.”

“Oh. Well, Madison is a very good helper. Aren’t you honey?” Tugging the sleeve of my shirt for an answer.

“Mom, when are you coming back?”

“Now, Madison. I told you I don’t know. You just be a good girl for your aunt and uncle and do what your told. Now, give me a hug and kiss so you can get going.”

Stepping forward and hugging my mother I realized my life was barreling further and further behind me out of my grasp and I was powerless to do anything about it. I took a deep breath and smelled the vanilla lotion she always wore and locked that moment in my memory forever.

“Okay Madison. Your squeezing me to death. Get going and I love you. I’ll see you soon. Thank you William.”

With no emotion, William grunted and grabbed my suitcase and my arm and led me through the bus depot. Looking back, mom had already turned and was out of sight and my heart sank. I couldn’t help but feeling like I had lost another parent.

We walked out into the parking lot to a rickety old truck that looked like it was being held together by rust and some luck. Opening the squeaking door and sliding in I noticed that it had a strong odor. Almost like tobacco and animals and was just as much of a chaos on the inside as it looked on the outside. He threw my suitcase in the back of the truck and got in and made it rumble to life with the flick of the key.

“How many children do you have?”

“Sandra didn’t tell you?”

“Well, she thought three but, she wasn’t sure.” Fidgeting nervously as I looked at him across the seat.

“That I am not surprised. I do have three kids, Kayla and Kylie are nine and twins. I have a boy and his name is Gavin and he is seventeen. How old are you Maddie?”

“How did you know that was my nickname?”

“Oh. Well it was just a guess.” He said as he shifted his weight uneasily in his seat. Causing the worn material to creak with resistance.

Only dad and my closest friends referred to me as that. I know he didn’t hear mother say it because she always insisted my name was Madison not Maddie. But, not willing to get into an argument so early into meeting I decided to just tell him my age instead.

“I am sixteen and will be a junior in high school this year.”

“Are you a good student?”

“Yes sir. I made the honor roll last year.” And I was relieved to see, that got a half crooked smile on his face. He didn’t look so old when he smiled I noticed. The creases in his face didn’t seem so deep.

“Well, that’s good. It sounds like school is very important to you. It’s good to know you take it seriously. Maybe some of that seriousness will rub off on Gavin. He will be a senior this upcoming school year.”

“Oh, well. I won’t be here that long.” Looking at him, he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and cleared his throat.

“Where are we going sir?”

“My name is William, that is what you may call me. I own a farm about ten miles south of town here. He said pointing off into the distance. Julia should have the guest room about ready for you. If not, you need to go help her with it. And just so we are clear everyone pulls their weight around the farm. There are lots of chores and responsibilities. If your living under my roof you will do what you are told in a timely matter, with no back talk.”

“Yes sir. I mean William.” Clutching at my jeans nervously.

“Did you have responsibilities around your home?”

“Yes William. I did all the cleaning and cooking chores.”

“What did your mother do?”

Then it was my turn to shift uncomfortably in my seat. “She kept busy.”

“Yeah, I’m sure she did.”

And with that, the rest of the way we rode in excruciating silence.

Finally, we came up on a big three story house at the end of a gravel driveway. It was white with blue shudders. The porch wrapped around the whole front of the house with a swing hanging in the front. On closer inspection it also has a white picket fence around it. It looked right out of a story book that dad used to read to me when I was a child. I couldn’t get over how big the house was. Our apartment isn’t big enough to fill a quarter of that space.

“Well, this is it. Go ahead and grab your suit case and call Julia when you get inside.” He said pointing to the back of the truck. “I have to get out to the barn to help Gavin. The tractor is broke again.”

After dictating his orders he quickly turned and walked away towards the barn. To my amusement the barn was just as big as the house. It was painted bright red with a bunch of smaller buildings around it. There were cows grazing in the field to the left of it, and a bunch of chickens on the other side. I just couldn’t help but gawking. I have never seen anything so wonderful in my life.

Lifting my light suit case out of the truck I was surprised it hadn’t blown out of the back. As I walked up the porch steps I noticed everything was so tidy. The flower beds were thriving with all sorts of colors without one weed in them. Except for the peeling paint on the porch everything looked so nice and neat. Slowly climbing up the rest of the steps, I felt my feet hit something. Looking down it was a welcome mat with a bunch of bright cheery flowers on it and I wondered if I really would be welcome.

Hesitantly, I pecked on the door and cracked it open and stuck my head in afraid to walk in. “Julia, are you here?”

“Oh Madison, you’re here. Finally.”

Julia came into the kitchen and she was very beautiful not at all what I expected. She had long black hair and she was a little shorter than I was. With a very dark tan that looked like she works out in the sun for hours. I figured probably from working in her flower beds. She had a small nose with freckles speckled over her cheeks and a small mouth but, all in all a very pretty woman. Not as pretty as my mother but a more exotic of beauty. Which seemed very out of place, she looked like she belonged on an exotic island. Not a farm-house in Illinois. She looked years younger than William.

“Madison come in. How are you honey?”

Walking over she gave me a big hug and held me out at arm’s length to get a good look at me. “You are a beautiful little thing. How old are you now?”

“I’m sixteen.” She did just what her doorstep mat claimed, she made me feel welcome instantly. Sadly, my mother never showed this much interest in me. Studying her closely I was thinking about how very nice and lovely she was. Not at all like William.

“Sixteen. Well you and Gavin should get along splendidly. I can’t believe there is only a year between the two of you. You’ll have to wait to meet him though. As of now he is in the barn. However, why don’t you come and meet Kayla and Kylie. They have been dying for you to get here.”

That made me wonder when mother had time to set up this whole meeting. I noticed she talked a mile a minute. I wondered if she was always like that, or if it was just nerves. Either way I was glad of it because, that meant I didn’t have to say much. Walking up the stairs there was floral wallpaper lining the walls, and I came to the realization she must really like flowers. Half way up I noticed there were pictures going all the way up them. Curiously, looking at them I didn’t recognize any faces. I suppose I was hoping to see a picture of dad. When we got to the top of the landing of the second floor we hung a left down a short hallway.

“Madison, to your left here is the bathroom. The next door is Williams and mine and this one at the end of the hall is Kayla and Kylie’s.”

“Where does this stairwell go to?” I asked motioning to my right.

“Oh, your room and Gavin’s room is up stairs and there is also a junk room that no one uses. I’ll show you that after you meet Kayla and Kylie.”

Walking into the bedroom my senses were flooded with an overwhelming amount of pink.

“Hi girls. Meet your cousin. This is Madison. Madison this is Kayla and Kylie.” Pointing to one, and then the other.

“Nice to meet you.” The resemblance was astonishing. I wonder If I’ll ever be able to tell them apart. They were very pretty girls and they looked a lot like their mother. Beautiful long black hair with dark eyes, and very skinny. Kayla was in a beautiful dress with matching shoes and her hair braided neatly. Kylie was in a dingy pair of pants with both of the knees blown out in them, a t-shirt and a ball cap. They look alike, but I have a feeling that is where the resemblance ends.

“Hi Madison.” Kylie said holding her hand out for me to shake.

“Hi Kylie. You’re a very pretty girl.”

“Kylie come over here and say hi to Madison.” She looked so shy and reminded me of how I was at that age. I would be happy to say I grew out of that but, I would be lying. Hesitantly, Kylie came forward and gave me a hug which needless to say melted my heart. She was so tiny and sweet. She looked up at me and very quietly told me hello.

“Mom, can we take Madison out to the barn to meet Gavin?” Kylie asked.

“No Kylie. You know how your father is about being disturbed while they are working. She will meet Gavin when they come in for supper. Then after supper maybe you can go outside and let her meet your pony.” That of course, brought the disappointment straight out of her eyes. “Now you girls finish cleaning your room and  I’ll call you down when it’s time for you to help with supper.” Very obediently they both said “yes mommy” at the same time.

“Okay Madison, let’s go up to your room so we can get you settled.”

Climbing up the third floor stairs, I didn’t notice any pictures and it was about half the size of the second floor, but still very large. We came up to a small landing.

“This room to your left is your room. This door next to yours is Gavin’s, and this room to your right is the junk room.”