Tangled Dreams (6 page)

I could feel him settling in and I was to tired and comfortable to move wrapping my arms back around his bare stomach. He felt so warm and inviting. 

After a while, listening to her shallow breathing felt almost hypnotic and eventually put me into a deep sleep holding her tightly.

I woke up in the morning as the sunrise danced through the windows and across my face. Confused a bit about where I was. Opening my eyes slowly I was gazing directly into Gavin’s face. We were tangled up in each other’s arms and that made me remember. Not wanting to wake him, I laid here with my eyes closed knowing as soon as he woke up this moment would end forever. Unfortunately, it had to end. This is my aunt and uncles house and I am a guest in their home. I knew they would not be happy with this situation. Having nowhere else to go I didn’t want to test my luck. But, also knowing my aunt and uncle was gone for the day and wondered if I could just be myself. Holding him closely and staring at him I wondered if there was ever a moment when he didn’t look so handsome.

Laying here for another hour in his arms was pure bliss. Unfortunately, he was starting to stir a bit and I knew he was waking up.

He opened his eyes to find surprisingly that she was not only still here in his bed but, still wrapped up in his arms tightly. He expected to wake up to find her gone. Just when he was thinking that she still had to be asleep, she said good morning. Surprised, but very pleased that she not only chose to stay but kept her arms locked tightly around him with absolutely no space between them.

“Morning babe. Did you sleep well?”

“The best I’ve slept since well, since dad died.” I said without looking up at him. My nightmares were actually at a minimum last night. I was so afraid he would push me away. I wasn’t about to tell him about my nightmares.

“Well, is that a compliment? My ego might start getting big if you keep talking like that.” Teasing her giving her a squeeze.

“Well, your ego is already big. But, I was just telling you the truth.”

“First you compliment me, then you insult me. You are a complicated person. So, I guess we’ll have to do this more often.”

“I wish we could.” I said sadly.

“Well, why can’t we?” He knew the answer already. Or many of the reasons for that matter.

“You know why Gavin. We talked about it last night.”

“Well, if I’m so disgusting and you don’t want this then why aren’t you pushing me away?”

“Because I’m weak.”

“What kind of answer is that? Are you saying I forced this?”

“No Gavin. Not at all. Calm down and let me finish.” Saying sternly. “I’m weak because right or wrong I am getting strong feelings for you. I respect you. I admire you. Your gorgeous on the inside as well as the outside. I find it harder and harder as the days go by to keep myself away from you. I’ve never had anyone besides dad who has understood me, and been there for me, acting like they cared. Okay I’m done.” Now really embarrassed.

Gavin couldn’t believe his ears. He thought he was the only one having to be strong and hold back. “Well it’s not act. I do care about you very much. The truth is I don’t want to let you go either.”

“I know your parents would not like this Gavin. I can’t afford to piss them off. I have nowhere to go.”

“Madison I would never let anything bad happen to you. Besides who says they have to know?”

“You want us to lie?” Looking up at him wide eyed.

“Babe, I don’t know you as well as I would like to but, I would do just about anything to hold you like this again.

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Well, just think about it, but not today. Let’s just be ourselves just for today.” He said giving me a gentle kiss on the nose. “You know your beautiful in the morning right?”

“No, I’m not. I’m not going to say anymore about your looks, because your head is big enough at this point.” I said teasingly.

“Sh, now what else do you think about my looks?”

I just looked down and laughed. “I’m not going to tell you.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what I think about you. I think you have a ridiculous body, possibly the best I’ve ever seen. Trustworthy, gorgeous eyes. Hair that I love running my fingers through.”

“Possibly the best body?” I said annoyed cutting him off.

“All those things I just said and you hear that? You are such a woman.”

Unappreciative of his “woman” comment I started to get up to no avail. Grabbing me by the waist and pulling me on top of him he forced me to look at him, his legs clamping tightly around mine.

“Madison, I really do want this to me more.” Looking deeply into my eyes, brushing my hair out of my face.

“We can’t Gavin. I’m sorry.”

“Then why do you always look sad when you say that to me?”

“You know why.” Deflecting any more discussion about it, “I’m hungry let’s go down and get something to eat.”

“I’m hungry to.” He said not letting go of me.

Trying to wiggle free he was a lot stronger than I realized.

“Alright, I’ll let you go this time but, next time I may not be so willing to comply.” Looking at me with a wicked look in his eyes.

“You know for some odd reason I believe you.” I breathed out as I got up thankful for the distance being put between us.

We spent most of the rest of the day down downstairs talking about everything from our lives to our interests.  However, since school was starting in two weeks he promised that he would take me into town and show me around. I couldn’t lie, I was scared to death about going to a new school. He was great trying to console me, but admitted he wouldn’t like the prospect of a new school either.

The day went quickly and aunt Julia didn’t get back with everyone until after supper. Aunt Julia excitedly took me by the hand pulling me upstairs to show me several bags of clothes and shoes she purchased for me.

“Julia, you didn’t have to do this.” Staring at her generosity spread over my bed. Knowing uncle William probably had a coronary over all these purchases for me.

“Oh nonsense.” Throwing her hand up in the air. “I wanted to and after the awful day you had yesterday it was worth it. It was imperative to put a smile on your face.”

“Well, this did it. Thank you so much.” Looking down and feeling guilty. “I’m sorry I yelled and acted that way with you yesterday.”

“Madison, if you had no reaction at all I would have thought there was something wrong with you. You didn’t act any differently than most people would have. You’re a very strong young lady and your mom doesn’t know what she has.” Julia said smiling pulling me in for a hug.

I had to admit it felt weird. I have never had such compliments and that sort of attention from a female in my life. It made my heart ache wishing my mother acted like Julia.

Pulling me back away at arm’s length again. “Now, enough of this. Go try on your clothes.”  Clapping her hands together excitedly. “I’m dying to see you in them. Oh I sure hope you like them and they fit alright.”

Trying them on I absolutely adored everything. She had gotten me shorts and shirts in all different colors. Cute skirts and matching sandals, even getting me a few pairs of jeans and sweaters for winter.

“I’ll get you more sweaters when winter gets a little closer. So, do you like everything?”

“Are you kidding? I love everything. I’ve never had such pretty clothes in my life. Not to mention this many.” Looking at everything in disbelief. Even getting me some bed-clothes and work boots.

“Well, you deserve it sweetie.”

“I promise I’ll work all this off, it had to of cost a fortune.”

“I know you will sweetie. As soon as that ankle gets better. When school starts though I want you to spend as much time on your homework as needed. You should be very proud of your grades. I’ve always thought that was the most important priority. William and I go head to head about it every school year. ” Saying with a wicked smile on her face.

“Why is that?”

“Well, William thinks the farm work is the top priority. However, I always win. Giggling about it. I smiled but I was scared to death to go to school here. “Well speaking of school I wanted you to know I’ll be registering you soon.”

“Okay.” Saying in a shaky voice.

“It’ll be alright sweetie. You’ll do just fine. Gavin will bet there to introduce you to people. Well, I’m exhausted. I’ll leave you to put away your clothes. Goodnight sweetie.”

“Goodnight.”

After she walked out I just stared at all my new clothes laying all over my bed and couldn’t believe that they were all mine. Looks like I’ll finally get to use the closet. Putting my clothes away I found another bag underneath a pile that I hadn’t seen before. Opening it up it was full undergarments with a note on the top.

“I didn’t want to embarrass you by giving you these, but just thought you might need them.” Love Aunt Julia.

I smiled at the gesture, knowing that I did. The bag was full with bra’s and panties and they were all beautiful and lacy with all different colors. “I wonder how she knew my size?” Wondering out loud. Then thinking how obvious it was since she’s been doing my laundry. Trying to fight back the tears thinking how nice and considerate she was. Nothing like my mother. After I was all done, I contemplated going to find Gavin but figured he was probably sick of me by now. Laying down staring at my diary I grabbed a hold of it staring at the cover trying to will myself to open it. Hugging it to my chest and closing my eyes my heart still aching for my father. Remembering all the good times we had, and all the good times yet to come that I’ll never get to share with him. He won’t get to see me graduate from high school. I won’t have anyone to walk me down the aisle when I get married. He won’t get to see his grandchildren. I won’t have anyone to run to when I need some advice. I wanted to cry but, felt like I didn’t have any tears left at the moment. Looking up there was a quiet knock at the door leading into Gavin’s room.

Gavin strolled in my room, “hey babe what’s going on?” Sitting down on the bed next to me comfortably. “What are you clutching so tightly?” Asking with concern and curiosity on his face. I proceeded to explain to him the back story of my diary not leaving a thing out. “Wow. It must have been really hard not seeing him very much.”

“Yeah, it really was. This diary made the days more bearable though.” Looking down at it with appreciation.

“Your lucky you have that left of him.”

“Yeah I know. But, the last note he left me the day before he died I haven’t been able to get myself to read yet.” Saying sadly.

“Why not?”

“I know it makes no sense and sounds really stupid but, it’s because he would really be gone.”

“Oh Madison.” Saying with a sad voice.

“Gavin don’t. I don’t need your sympathy. I need a friend.”

“You know you have that.”

“I hope. I also think it’s time to read it. I think I’m finally ready.”

Sitting up on the bed I placed it on my lap and stared at it. Gavin looking at me must have realized that I needed help.

“Do you want me to read it to you?”

Looking at the sincerity in his face I realized that it would be the easy way out but also nice to share it with someone I cared about. After all, I need to learn to start trusting again. “Yes, I would.”

Handing it over to him I noticed that he looked surprised. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Opening it up he flipped it to the back of the book, looking for the last passage that was written.

To: My dear baby girl Maddie

I’m sorry to hear your day went so badly. Remember, tomorrow is a new day. Soon it will be the weekend and we can go to the theater like I promised. Then the whole weekend is yours to plan however you want. I’m yours the whole weekend as promised. Don’t forget you birthday is coming up soon, you need to start thinking about what you want. And nothing is not an answer I’m going to accept this year. After all you will be seventeen. My little girl is growing up and I couldn’t be prouder of you. It’ll always be me and you against the world. No matter how old you are, you’ll always be my little girl. Well, I’m tired Maddie I’ll try to get off work a little early tomorrow so we can spend a little time together. I love you sweetie.

Love, Dad.

Gavin finished, looking up at me. I picked a place on the wall to stare at.

“He got off work early to come home and see me when he was killed by a drunk driver. He always tried to leave early on Wednesdays, so we could see each other. He said the rest of the week went faster when he got to spend a little time with his girl in the middle of it. So, he left early because of me, and now he’s not here.”

“Madison….”

“No you don’t have to say it. I’ve heard it. My head tells me it’s not my fault, but my heart won’t listen.”

“So you have been blamed yourself this whole time?”

“The facts can’t be disputed. If he hadn’t left early to come home it would have never placed him on that road with the drunk driver. He would have left later in the day.”

“Madison, he loved you. You can’t blame yourself and he wouldn’t want you to.”

“I know. I just can’t help it. I feel like everyone I love leaves me.”

“You’ll always have me babe.” Smiling at me with that handsome face of his. “Whether you want me or not.”

“Thanks, but you’ll be going off to college. Either way I’ll always be alone.”

“Madison, you have my word as a half-witted farm boy.” Exclaiming in a twangy hillbilly voice. Turning serious, “I’ll always be here for you.”

“Gavin, you can always make me laugh. How do you do it?”

“Just good I guess.”

Looking down at the journal, my thoughts turning even darker.

“I do mean it Maddie.”

“I know you mean it. However, life happens. We all get pulled away from each other eventually. It’s inevitable.”

“Only, if we let it happen.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right.” Saying with a flirtatious smile. “So, do you feel better?”

“A little. Thank you. Thanks for just being you.” Reaching over and giving him a hug.

“I think I deserve another hug for cheering you up.”

“You think huh? Fine.”

This time reaching over to me and yanking me up onto his lap with one quick swipe. Yelping, “That’s not fair.” Giggling, trying to wiggle free. Which only made him tighten his grip on me.

“Who says I’m fair? Keep on struggling, your only making it more fun for me.” He said with a devilish grin on his face.

“Well, we wouldn’t want that.” I quite struggling and stared at him studying his face that was only inches from my own.

“Why are you looking at me like that for?”

“Just wondering.”

“Wondering what?”

“What I did to deserve you.”

“Madison, with talk like that, you’re going to get a kiss from me. I know that’s not what you want.” Turning serious fast.

“Gavin it’s not like that.”

“So, have you decided what I asked you then? About us getting involved and keeping it between us?”

“Yes, I’ve decided. I just can’t betray the people who took me in like this. I’m sorry, I really wish this could be more.”

“Babe, like it or not we are already involved. I’m crazy about you.”

“I don’t know what to say to that Gavin.”

“I don’t know if I can be around you and not touch you.” He said with an angry look in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, but it has to be this way.”

“So, I guess this means I have to let you go now.”

“Yes, I suppose it does.” My heart breaking. My mind screaming a resounding no at me. “One more hug Gavin. Please.”

Wrapping his arms around my waist he pulled me in close. Resting my head on his shoulder I didn’t want the moment to end. Dying inside, I felt like I was giving up the only person who genuinely cared about  me. Wanting to tell him my feelings but, knowing I couldn’t. Breathing in deeply, I wanted to be near him forever. Given the manly scent of his cologne and his demeanour it was easy to set him apart from most boys. Not to mention the best looks of any boy I had ever seen. Knowing he was hardly a boy. Seventeen years old and he worked on the farm like a grown man. Feeling anger build up in me for having to let him go I willed myself to remember this moment and finally released him. Almost to tears again I was reluctant to show my face to him.

Now both of us nervous, Gavin said the only other thing that was on his mind. Now choosing to ignore the pain in his heart, “So, when was your birthday?”

“Um, well actually it was yesterday.”

“Yesterday? Why didn’t you tell me?” Yelling at me now.

“Honestly, it’s because I don’t care this year.” Swinging my gaze over to my big picture window.

“Well, I care. I’m taking you in town tonight for your birthday. We’ll go out to eat then I’ll show you around a bit.”

“You don’t have to do that. Besides, your mom will be disappointed if we are not here for supper.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. Anyhow, I doubt she will care. She’ll be ticked that you didn’t tell her about your birthday anyhow. She will want you to celebrate in some way, and this is the way. My mother loves holiday’s and birthday’s, she eat’s that shit up.”

“Oh, I’ll have to apologize.” Not used to anyone caring about my birthday other than my dad.

“Yep, you will. Later. Now, you get dressed. Whatever you chicks do to get ready that is. Come get me when your ready to go.” Walking out quickly he gave me no time to argue. How well he know’s me already.

Walking over to the closet I was fighting the butterflies in my stomach causing it to turn in apprehension. Telling myself how stupid I was being when we already agreed nothing can happen. It still wouldn’t hurt to look cute as I rummaged through my clothes. Carefully, I chose a fashionable floral mini skirt with a white shirt and sandals. Simple, but pretty. Walking over to my vanity mirror I combed out my hair until it was soft wavy curls and tied it back into a long pony tail. Dabbed a little make-up on. I never like to cake it on. Looking into the mirror noticing the same milky complexion as my mother. Staring at a similar face as my mother I wonder if there was ever gonna be a time where it didn’t hurt seeing my mother staring back at me. “Looks is where it ends.” Saying to the person staring back at me in the mirror. I may look like my mother but I’ll never be like her.

The ride into town wasn’t that long. I however, was mesmerized the whole time looking at the pastures that rolled by. Gavin on the other hand was mesmerized by her. Choosing to keep that fact to himself. Moments later we were pulling up to a stop in front of a small burger joint. Walking in, I scanned the room and there was a couple of pool tables in the back, a juke box in the corner with booths lining the walls. There were quite a few kids hanging out all over the place. As soon as we walked in we heard someone shouting.

“Hey Gavin, what’s up man?” The kid walking toward us was just a little shorter than Gavin. He had blond spiky hair, blue eyes and a cute smile.

“Hey Clay, not much. You?” Standing idle I could feel him staring at me.

“Who is this gorgeous girl you have here?” Asking Gavin his eyes still on me.

“Her name is Madison.” I could see the annoyance in Gavin’s face and it was obvious that he wasn’t liking the attention I was getting.

“Nice to meet you.” Extending his hand out he held on to mine a moment longer than necessary. Knowing this fact did not get past Gavin. “My name is Clay.”

“Nice to meet you to.” Saying nervously swinging my gaze down to my feet.

“How do you know Gavin?” He asked his interest peaked.

Stuttering for a second, I didn’t know what to say. I was living with my aunt and uncle but, technically Gavin wasn’t my cousin at all.

Speaking up, “Madison is staying with us for a while.” Looking at him relieved that he saved me from answering what should be a simple question, but wasn’t at all.

“Oh, cool. Well are you going to be going to our school then?” Clay asked poking around for information.

“Yes I will.” Smiling, grateful that I was getting to at least meet a few of the students.

Gavin becoming uncomfortable with Clay’s interest in her.

“Great. Well, I’ll see you both later then.”  Walking off, looking back and giving me one last glance up and down smiling.

Grabbing her by the arm Gavin walked over to a booth annoyed at the scene that just happened in front of him. Hoping that this wasn’t a preview of the upcoming school year. I don’t know if I can handle guys ogling over her all year long.

“What’s wrong?” Sitting across from him I could tell something wasn’t right.

“Nothing.”

“Are you sure? You look mad.”

“I’m fine.” Saying to me shortly. “Now, what do you want for your birthday supper?”

The mood changed more upbeat once the food got to the table. He loosened back up a bit and started telling me about school and the town and talked about light stuff. Once in a while I would glance over and notice Clay looking at me from where he was playing pool. Each time I noticed there was a different girl hanging on him or vying for his attention. Unfortunately, I noticed there was just as many girls staring at Gavin. Most looking like they were waiting for their chance to pounce on him. Needless to say I got a lot of dirty looks. Moments later a pretty blond haired girl came over giggling and smiling, leaning against the table with her back to me.

“Hi, Gavin.” She said smiling sweetly, leaning into him she gave him a quick peck on the cheek before he could do anything about it.

“Hi Brooke, what do you want?”

“I just wanted to tell you hi Gavin. Didn’t you miss me this summer? I missed you sweetie.” She said trying her best to be sexy. Turning around  before he had a chance to answer. “Oh I didn’t see you there.” Saying in a bitchy tone. “My name is Brooke. What’s yours?”

“Madison..” Cutting me off

“Nice to meet you.” Turning her back to me again.

“Bye Gavin.” Walking away toward a bunch of girls shooting icy stares in my direction.

“Girlfriend?” Now my turn to be annoyed.

“No. She is an ex-girlfriend” He said nervously.

“Well I don’t think she is aware of that.” I said with a little bit more bite than I intended.

“She does know that. It’s just that she forgets.”

“Do you? Sorry, none of my business.”

“Madison, she’s not my girlfriend anymore.” Staring into my eyes.

“Well, I guess it wouldn’t matter much if she was right?” Remembering the conversation we had earlier but immediately regretting saying it when hurt flashed in his eyes.

“Guess not.” Pissed off now.

“I’m sorry Gavin. I didn’t mean it like that. Don’t be mad.”

Softening a bit, “It’s cool. Let’s just get out of here and go for a ride.”

“Alright.” Getting up he put his hand on the small of my back as he led me to the door, glaring back at Clay as if laying claim to me.

Gavin knew his friend Clay, if his interest was really peeked then it wouldn’t matter who laid claim to her.

By the time we got outside it was starting to turn dark. Taking me through town, the high school looked tiny compared to what I was used to. It was one story with a parking lot directly in front of it. Flowers planted all along the front with high bushes. The back of the school had cornfields planted as far as you could see. There were softball and football fields to the right of it. I remembered thinking that I have never seen a school that looked quite like this. It definitely did not resemble my old school in any way possible. This one looked so peaceful and friendly. My old school was a three-story huge building that was always busy, and very cold looking with a faded exterior from the elements of the city. My school almost looked like a prison instead. Maybe, this won’t be so bad after 

My first day of classes came upon me like a whirlwind. Even though I’ve always liked school and did rather well, I never really liked the relentless drama that comes along with it. There are always the popular crowd, the jocks, the smart crowd, that were also sometimes referred to as “the nerds.” There are loners and the bullies that get their jollies out of putting everyone else down. Unfortunately, all school’s seems to have one. So, here I go getting thrown right in the middle of a new school having to try to fit into one of the crowds. When really the truth be told I don’t even care. Those things just are not as important to me now after losing dad. However, high school is all about survival and oh yeah, trying to make good grades in the process. So, dawn is now peaking through my windows waking me up. In the next room over I can hear Gavin stirring and the pitter patter of movements downstairs. Ever since Gavin and I made the decision to emotionally back off from each other, that also inevitably meant physically to. This process has been tearing me apart inside. The person I felt the least of a connection with when I first got here has been my only solid rock. Now, I feel like I’m losing that to. I guess I never knew how much I really depended on him, and enjoyed being around him until he wasn’t any longer.