Tangled Dreams (27 page)

“Please leave me alone Gavin.” I said completely turning over now away from him.

“That’s fine. I won’t bother you anymore.” He said storming out.

Laying here I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks and I was glad Gavin was already gone because he would of never believed me had he seen my face. I knew I had lost him completely this time. All the fights we have had. All the differences, arguments, and spats. I thought he would never forgive me. But, this time. This time was different. He told me he loved me and I told him I didn’t. He would never forgive me. I knew he would talk to me. However, to see that smile, or that special part of himself that he only shows to me. I knew was in the past. I had to be okay with my decision but, the problem was every part of my being was screaming at myself right now to go get him and tell him you love him! But how you feel, and the right thing to do, isn’t always the same thing unfortunately.

The rest of the day I slept restlessly, even though Gavin is hurt and madder than hell at me I heard him come in a couple times to check on me and leave medicine and food. Each time I acted like I was asleep. I don’t know how I’ll face him ever again. I’m tired of hurting him. The next couple days I didn’t see him at all. I’m sure by now everyone at school knows about my running off. I didn’t know if I could face the stares but even worse I didn’t know if I could face Gavin. When morning came I was dragging my feet getting ready. I still didn’t feel good but, I had to go back. I didn’t want to get any further behind. I still hadn’t caught one glimpse of William yet. He was probably avoiding my like the plague. I’m sure he was ecstatic about Gavin totally ignoring me now. I gave him his wish I suppose. Which only pissed me off double time. But, I had to. Aunt Julia offered to drive me to talk to my principal about me still not feeling well and I jumped on it. I didn’t want to ride with Gavin. I couldn’t face him. Riding to school I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. Thinking about Gavin. Thinking about being behind in school. Thinking about all the stares. Pulling in we were a little early, so I decided to sit in the cafeteria and wait for the first bell. Julia went ahead and without me to the main office. Pulling out my notebook I turned it to the first page and started doodling. Drawing nothing in particular. About five minutes passed and it felt like an eternity. Suddenly I felt someone lean over top of me, putting both hands on each side of me. I recognized the cologne. It was expensive of course, and I’ve smelt it many times before. It was Clay. I had to admit I missed the familiarity of him, and the friendship.

“Hey Sweetie.”

“Hey Clay.” I said without turning around.

“I’ve missed you and I’ve been worried about you.” Still leaning over me.

“I know. I’m sorry Clay.” Bending over he hugged me and kissed me on top of the head, sitting down next to me.

“So how are you doing?” Finally looking over at him I had to admit he looked good. I’d almost forgot how handsome he was.

“I’m Okay.” I said still doodling away.

“You know you could of called me. I would have been there for you in a heart beat. Anything you needed. Ride, place to crash, anything.”

“Thanks Clay. I wasn’t really thinking clearly.”

“Well, your still as beautiful as ever.” Looking at me intently.

“I really have missed you a lot.” Reaching over he grabbed my hand and squeezed.

Gavin walking from his truck got nailed with the visual. He had so many mixed emotions that he didn’t know where to begin. He didn’t know if he could compete with Clay or if he even wanted to anymore. He loved her more than anything, that wasn’t an issue. His issue was with how she felt. Always hot and cold. She was always holding back. He could tell she was afraid of something. Something he couldn’t quite pin point. Did he want to keep going on trying to break down that wall she built afraid of disappointment or did he want to give up? He hadn’t really decided that yet. But, looking at Clay trying to get all on top of her wasn’t helping his decisions any. He decided to walk on before he walked over and did something he might regret.

“Do you want to talk about it Madison?”

“No not really.” I said looking over at him. Finally, the first bell rang and it was time to get the day started, and over with.

“Here I’ll walk you to class.” He said grabbing my books before I had a chance to resist.

“Okay, thanks.” Heading down the hall. “Clay everyone is staring.”

“Who cares.”

“Everyone knows don’t they?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Sighing, I hung my head down low and kept my eyes on the floor letting Clay grab me by the arm to steer me through the traffic. Finally getting to class. “Thanks Clay.” I said starting to walk off.

“Hey you think we could talk some time? I miss you and I haven’t talked to you for almost a month now. I tried calling you these past few days but no one would let me talk to you.”

“Big surprise there.”

“You need a ride home?”

I about turned him down until I realized if I said do I would have to ride with Gavin coming  face to face with him alone in his truck. I wasn’t ready for that yet.

“Yeah, actually I could use a ride home.”

His face lit up. “Sweet. I’ll wait for you at your locker after the last bell.”

“Okay. See you then.” I said turning and walking to my seat. The day actually flew by faster than I thought. I talked to Andrea a lot. Of course she wanted to know everything that went on. She also had to tell me all about Gavin telling her that he loved me. Which made me feel even worse than I already do.  I didn’t even think that was possible. At lunch I ran into one of Gavin’s friends Ryan taking the easy way out and asked him to tell Gavin I was hitching a ride home with Clay. I hated doing it but, I guess I was being selfish and thought about my own feelings rather than his. I knew that was horrible of me and I did feel ashamed.

Just as promised after the last bell he was waiting for me as loyal as ever. I still felt like total crap and was just happy I was going back to my bed in a little while. Walking out into the parking lot he slung his arm around my shoulders. I was to weak and tired to put up a fight. I’m sure it set the whole parking lot buzzing. Taking me to his car he opened up the door for me and threw my books in the trunk. He was being extremely nice, and he was trying. But, I wasn’t going down that road again. One person inhabited my heart and it wasn’t him. When we arrived he opened up the door for me, grabbing my books walking me up to the front porch.

“This isn’t necessary Clay.”

“Of course it isn’t, but I want to.” He said smiling genuinely.

“You want a ride tomorrow?” Asking excitedly.

“Clay, I’m way out of your way.”

“It’s okay Madison I can afford it. Don’t worry.”

I felt bad for saying yes, like I was leading him on. But, I agreed and I made sure to tell him to pick me up at a time before Gavin left so I could get out of here. The next couple weeks went by without incident. I pretty much avoided the men in the house as they avoided me. I think William was thrilled to see Clay around. Gavin never questioned me, or talked to me about not riding to school with him anymore. Of course everyone assumed Clay and I were dating again. But, he didn’t push me into anything but a friendship. Which was surprising. He would tow the line however on telling me I was beautiful and putting his arm around me every chance he could get. I didn’t brush him off. It was comforting a lot of times because I felt so lonely. My best friend and love of my life wasn’t speaking to me so of course I felt alone.

Winter was behind us, and everyone was modeling their spring clothes. It seemed like the mood was getting lighter at school now that the gloomy, cold days were getting behind us. I pulled out all my skirts and sandals in appreciation of the new weather. Clay had not missed one day of picking me up and taking me home. I think his main motivation for doing this, is to keep me away from Gavin. Gavin graduating soon was a form of depression for me. It’s one thing avoiding each other, it’s quite another him not being around to have the option.

This morning when Clay picked me up, his mood was different. More serious.

“Clay is there something wrong?” I asked sitting down in the passenger seat.

“No, nothing. Well, I need to ask you a question.”

“Anything.” I said smiling at him. Pulling a dozen roses out of the back seat, he set them in my lap. “What are these for?”

“Madison , will you go to the Prom with me?”

“Oh, Clay. You remember our last dance we went to.”

“I’m not that person Madison, you know that. I just got into the wrong crowds. And you know I haven’t been hanging around them, or Eric anymore.”

“I know Clay, and that’s great. But I told you we can only be friends.”

“Well, will you at least think about it?”

“Okay Clay. I probably won’t go at all, but I’ll think about it.” Deep down in my heart I wanted to go with Gavin more than anything. Gavin was my dream date. The guy I’ve been dreaming about all my life. I couldn’t go with Clay and see Gavin with his date again. I just can’t. I’d rather not go at all. That day at school I could hear people talking about their prom dates and everyone was so excited that is was less than three weeks away. Andrea came up to me, telling me about the rumor going around that I was definitely going with Clay. They could say what they wanted. I had already decided by second period that I was telling him thank you but, no.

By the last bell ringing, I was dreading telling him no.  I noticed Gavin glancing at me in class a lot more than usual and I wondered what that was all about. He probably heard the same rumor. Usually he kept his back to me at all times. As usual, Clay was by my locker again. Grabbing my books he walked me out and we got into his car. Pulling out he didn’t say much not until he got into my drive way. Putting it in park he left his engine running and turned to look at me.

“So, have you decided?”

“Sorry Clay. I’ve decided not to go. You deserve to go with someone who is romantically interested in you, and someone you can have fun with.”

Grabbing my hand. “Madison, your that girl for me. Can’t you see that. I do have fun with you, and I am in love with you. You have to know that.”

My head started spinning, and I was thinking “not again.” “Clay, I’m sorry I’m not ready for anything like that. I’m so sorry.” With a pained expression on my face. I just felt so horrible. I felt like I was doing the same thing to Clay as I did to Gavin, and I hated it.

“Fine, it’s okay Madison.” He said pulling me in for a hug.

“I didn’t meant to make you upset. We could go as friends Madison. I really want to go with you. I can’t imagine going with anyone else.”

“Clay you’ve had a million gorgeous girls that have asked you. Why didn’t you say yes to any of them?”

“They’re not you.” Placing a kiss on my forehead.

“I just don’t think so Clay. Don’t be mad at me. Please say yes to one of those million girls that would do cart wheels to go with you.”

“Are you positive?”

“Yes. I’m sorry Clay.”

“I’m not mad at you Madison. Just disappointed.” Looking back into my eyes with all seriousness. “I really screwed up when I acted like an ass and let you go didn’t I? I’m never going to get you back am I?”

“Clay, I don’t want to lead you on but I just don’t know. My heart really isn’t into it right now. I can’t say if it ever will be.”

“Did you ever love me? Or even have strong feelings for me the whole time we were together?”

“Oh Yeah, of course I did. I cared about you a lot and there at first I could say I was starting to fall for you. But, it ended before it got a chance to even get off the ground. I don’t know what would have happened. Maybe something, maybe nothing. I just can’t answer what could have been.”

“I acted like a complete jerk. I can’t believe I got a hotel room, then got mad at you for not going with me. I really don’t know what got into me.”

Staring out the window he really was sorry, and he has been great friend to me the last couple months. Maybe I should just go with him. Sitting here listening to the music playing on the radio, Gavin pulled in and parked over by the barn, our eyes connecting as he stepped out of the truck. I knew then I couldn’t say yes to Clay. My heart belonged to Gavin so completely. It wouldn’t be fair.

“Madison?” Clay said getting my attention.

“Yes, Clay?” I said looking back at him.

“I haven’t convinced you have I?”

“No, I’m sorry.”

“Well, I’ve got three weeks.”

“No, Clay I don’t want that. I’ll give you the same answer and then you’ll have no one to go with. Why don’t you ask Andrea? She of course thinks you’re hot along with the rest of the student body girls.”

“Don’t you see Madison? I think you’re the total package, by far out shining any of the girls in our school. Or our town for that matter. You are my perfect pick. I want you.”

“I’m sorry. No Clay.”

“Alright. I gave it my best try.” Hanging his head down low.

“Clay don’t act like were not going to be friends anymore. That this is the end because, it’s not. We get along great. Can’t we just be happy with that right now?”

“Yeah, I guess I’ll have to take it since I have no other options. I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all.”

“Thank you.”

“But, that’s for right now.”

“Why is there always a “but” with you. You are so stubborn. Do you always get what you want?” I said poking at his ribs now.

Grabbing my hand and putting it to his lips for a kiss and looking in to my eyes.

“Yes I do.”

“Your insufferable.” I said pulling my hand back reaching for the handle to get out. I knew Gavin was probably somewhere out side, not wanting to hurt him even more. Feeling his hand on my arm.

“No goodbye hug?” He said smiling.

“Really? Fine.” Quickly giving him a hug, he tried to take advantage and tighten the hold, but I was out of the car before he had a chance.

Julia knew why her son had turned every girl down for Prom. She knew who he wanted to go with and that was Madison. She didn’t want her only son to miss his senior prom. So, that week while everyone was at school, or gone, she went into the city and bought Madison a beautiful royal blue dress that she knew would be stunning on her. Hiding it upstairs in the storage room where she knew no one would find it. Oh yeah, they were going together, whether they liked it or not. She didn’t care if she had to make them feel guilty, they were going. Her next order of business was to get everyone out of the house, so William wouldn’t catch wind of it. She really didn’t care what he thought about it. It’s just that she didn’t want to fight him over it. It was exhausting.