Songbird (20 page)

Denton stood on the edge of stage set up
monitoring progress. He checked his watch—probably to see if sound
check for the girls would be on time—before turning back to the
stage.

With a pat to his shoulder, I moved around
him and went in search of my responsibilities. After the last few
concerts I didn’t need to speak to Denton. We had a rhythm that
worked and all I had to worry about was my guys. I found them
gorging on subs and chips in the dressing room.

“Hey, Stilts.” Arc waved to the pile of food
on the table. “We saved you some. No one knew what you wanted.”

“You’ve got veggies in there?” I asked
without any real hope as I stepped closer to the group.

Nicholas sat apart, an acoustic in his lap.
His eyes came up from the notebook next to him. I was growing tired
of him frowning at me.

Arc’s brows formed a straight line. “Why
would we order one of those?”

“Because it’s healthy?” I asked.

“You need more meat,” Nicholas complained.
“There’s a chicken salad in there.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I don’t like
mayonnaise.”

“Oh, oh.” Arc rifled through wrappers
apparently to be helpful. “There’s an Italian club in here. It
doesn’t have mayonnaise on it. It’s like some vinegar crap.”

I sighed. “That’ll work.”

“Drink?” Max asked.

“Bottled water,” Nicholas answered for me.
“Haven’t you noticed by now she doesn’t do juices other than
coffee?”

I was surprised he’d noticed. Or even cared.
To placate him a little, because I knew he was still pissed by his
posture, I took my sandwich and water over to where he sat and
wiggled in beside him. He huffed and moved over but I noted, he
didn’t tell me to go away.

“What are you doing all alone over here?” I
picked at the sandwich. Protein was good for the body, I knew that,
but I also knew deli meat held a hell of a lot of sodium.

“Eat it. Don’t pick at it,” Nicholas glanced
over at me. “And I’m writing more music, Songbird. You do that for
me.”

“You’re welcome?” I hesitantly took a full
bite of the sandwich. I could run the carbs off in Vegas.

He grunted and went back to work. Thankfully,
the music held more interest than fighting with me at the moment. I
knew the peace wouldn’t last forever but I would hold on to what I
had.

After eating, I floated in and out of the
room as the final prep was being done. I stood off to one side
during sound check and calculated how Taylor might see this
production.

There wasn’t much to it and that could be
disappointing for him. Since he was used to managing plays and
Broadway productions I knew this to be miniscule in comparison.
Still I found it a nice change of pace. I hoped he would too.

After sound check the waiting game began. Max
and Guy played chess while Arc dealt himself a hand of solitaire.
Nicholas sat in his corner writing music and I decided to sit with
my notebook and make a list of things that could be improved upon
in the future. The list wasn’t needed but it would pass time.

The music from Nicholas’s guitar soothed part
of my tired soul. I was almost grateful we’d be on the bus tonight.
There was no way he could pull a stunt like last night on the tour
bus.

The song needed a piano. My mind drifted in
and out, not focused on my list anymore but what Nicholas was
writing. As long as he didn’t change the tempo…

“Hey, you didn’t say you wrote music too.
Whatcha writing?”

I jolted at Arc’s nearness and his words.
With some horror I stared down at the notebook and the scales
marking up more than half the page. I ripped it out and balled it
up as Nicholas rose to his feet.

“I don’t. I’m not.” I sounded a little
panicked and I stopped to breathe before I fainted. I crushed the
little ball of paper tighter. I jumped up and strolled into the
bathroom and closed myself in before anyone could say anything
else.

Stupid, stupid reaction. I dropped the paper
into the trash and turned on the water hot enough to scald. I
didn’t compose anymore. I didn’t want to compose anymore.

My heart screamed liar as I dipped my shaking
hands into the burning water.

Out
,
damned spot
!
Out
,
I say
.
A quiet laugh escaped me at my own
pitiful joke on myself. The last thing I had composed had drawn too
much attention.

In the end that was really the reason Tyler
had died. Conrad and Benjamin had wanted money. I had refused to
embezzle from the show or pay them from my own royalties. I may not
had planned the murder the way Lady Macbeth had, but in a way I had
contributed to it.

There was a quiet knock on the door and
Nicholas stepped in. I knew he would, eventually. Privacy was not a
word he understood.

“What’s wrong?” He came up and hugged me from
behind. His chin touched my shoulder and he rubbed his head against
mine. I smiled a little.

“Nothing.”

“The water is ridiculously hot.” He reached
out and flicked it off. “You’re going to burn your hands.”

“Possibly.” Giving in just a little I leaned
back into him and closed my eyes. “I really don’t want to talk
about it right now. And I really don’t feel like fighting with you
at the moment either.”

“So, we’ll do neither. But I do have a
question for you.”

“Just one?”

“Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”

I jerked so violently I nearly smashed
Nicholas’s face with my head. “What?” I turned to face him not sure
I heard correctly.

“You pull away in public.” He tilted his
head. “Unless it’s one of the guys you keep a polite distance.”

“Walker, I’m not sure what you’re getting at.
I’m your tour manager. Of course there are going to be times when I
have to wear a professional face. That’s what I’m being paid to
do.”

“Bullshit.” He caged me against the sink. “I
don’t think this is about me at all but of you.”

I pressed my hands to his chest and shoved
but he didn’t move. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The
shaking voice and averted eyes contradicted my statement but it was
too late to take it back now.

“Yes.” He lifted a hand and grabbed my chin
forcing me to look at him. “You do. Why are you ashamed of
yourself?”

I opened my mouth to retort but only a
strangled sound came out. When my eyes welled I simply closed
them.

“Songbird.” Nicholas drew me into a tight
hug. “Stop listening to the voices that don’t exist. Listen to me.
Hear what I’m saying.”

“What are you saying Nicholas?” I couldn’t
stop my trembling hands from finding their way to his waist and
wrapping around to hold him tight.

He nuzzled the top of my head and though
muffled his words were intelligible, “You give me music. The way no
one else can.”

My focus was no long set on the concert. I
hated dwelling on my past, on my insecurities, but I couldn’t
ignore them after the slap in the face–figuratively– with the
truth. Or Nicholas’s version of the truth.

Stop listening to the voices that don’t
exist.

But they did exist. The insecurities were fed
by every beauty ad, every TV glamour show, and every magazine
article on how to look your best. The standards weren’t realistic
in any fashion but they were there. They feed the fear, and doubt
and gave strength to the conditioning of my childhood.

Setting up final deposits and pulling guys
aside to sign their severance letter helped keep busy but not
focused. Dealing with other problems—albeit not nearly as
large—kept my spiral of self-depreciation and destruction at bay,
for the moment. After the show I supervised the instrument packing
and loading onto Bandwagon once the guys departed the stage sweaty
and tired.

“Wash up while they’re breaking down then hit
the bunks. I’m going to do a final run down to make sure nothing’s
been left behind and then we’ll be off. Good show tonight.” I
avoided eye contact with all of them. I wanted my bunk and some
completely quiet time to deal with the monkey wrench Nicholas had
thrown into my gears.

Max stretched and nodded. Arc yawned.

“No arguments here.” Guy offered a tired
smile. “Thanks for all you do, Stilts. I don’t think we’ve ever
said it.”

My smile fluttered but didn’t hold on my
face. “You never have to. Go on.”

Nicholas stood waiting until the guys walked
away. “I’d like it if you slept in my bed tonight.”

“No.” Before he could argue I wrapped him in
a hug. “I don’t know what to think, Nicholas. I need some time to
think, and get my head on straight.”

His hands rubbed up and down my back. “You
are beautiful, Songbird. I will say it as many times as you need me
to. You are smart and talented. You’re kind. I’ll write you a song
that will play louder than any internal doubt can out cry.”

I laughed a little in an effort to prevent
myself from crying. “I’m sure you will. Come on, we’re all tired.
We should clean up and go to bed. In the morning, when we’re all
rested and clearly thinking we can sit down and talk. Agreed?”

“I don’t like it.” He pressed a gentle kiss
to the side of my temple before I could evade. “But I understand
it.”

“It’s just one night, Walker.” I reached out
and squeezed his hand. “Give me time to think. Okay?”

“Promise we’ll talk in the morning.” He drew
back enough to watch my response. His eyes held a seriousness not
common for him.

I nodded and balanced on my toes to kiss his
cheek as chastely as he had my temple. “I promise.”

His lips quirked and he nodded. “All right.
Good night, Songbird.”

My phone rang just as I was doing the final
walk through with the vendor manager. I checked the ID and nodded
to Greg.

“I’m sorry. I have to take this. Everything
looks in order.” I hurriedly stepped away and down a hall for
privacy. “Yes, Taylor.”

“We’ve just landed in Las Vegas, Bella.”

Relief filled me. Until he actually called I
hadn’t truly been sure he’d ride to my rescue. “You’re on the way
to the hotel then?”

“Yes, we’re heading over now. Did you want to
join us for breakfast so we can do a run down?”

“I can’t. Nicholas has a conference interview
at nine. It’s two hours and then I’ll meet you over at the vendor.
I’m told they’re not happy about the reschedule so we may come up
against some resistance. You can call Denton and he’ll go over the
girls’ set with you though.”

“The five are ready to go, Bella. We can
handle this.”

“Wonderful. I’ll text Obi and let him know to
expect you. He’s the advance. Oh, and Taylor?”

“Yes?”

“I go by Bianca, now. Bianca Sheridan.”

“I see.” His tone didn’t sound happy.
“Why?”

“It was necessary. For peace.”

“For hiding.” Taylor clucked his tongue. “I
wouldn’t have found you if I had looked.”

“No.” I swallowed and though he couldn’t see
shook my head. “You wouldn’t have.”

“All right,
bella
, but the nickname
remains. You are beautiful after all.”

“Whatever. I have to finish with the vendor
so we can hit the road. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Good deal.” He made kissy noises. “See you
in a few.”

Excitement filled me as I hunted down the
vendor to finish up. My friends were waiting and I had a bus of
guys to get moving. Life was looking up for once.

Even as positive as work was going, sleep
eluded me. The fact that it wasn’t work making me restless put me
out a little. Yes, I knew I had personal problems a mile long and
since he called me out on it, there was no pretending I was fine
and dandy and just plain normal.

At least temporarily Nicholas stepped back,
but there would be a reckoning in the morning and I had nothing. As
fast as my brain was turning, I couldn’t think of a single damn
thing in my defense. What a pathetic soul I was.