Songbird (17 page)

Not inspirational words in the least but the
self-scolding helped me find my spine. Now that I wasn’t being
pressed against hard furniture with just as hard male flesh I could
think with calm and rational ideas. I was right. I did what was
best for both of us. Time to move on.

With a sigh, I reached for the shampoo and
washed down for the night. Since I was alone for the first time in
forever, I celebrated by foregoing pants or shorts. My tee
shirt—well okay, Nicholas’s tee shirt—and underwear was enough for
just me. I missed the freedom of skimpy clothes. Bussing across the
country with a bunch of guys left little room to just be
comfortable.

Since the silence of the room scrapped across
my raw nerves I turned on the TV for sound as I passed it to sit in
a recliner. Meticulously, I began rubbing my hair dry and prepping
for the braid that I would sleep in.

Shit. I paused in braiding my hair. Should I
go over and offer to find him a companion after all?

I hesitated and then continued braiding. No.
He could go without for one damn night. I wanted the room to
myself. I deserved that much after an emotional purge. We could go
back to the old routine in Vegas. Surely he could hold out that
long.

Besides I had bigger things to think about.
Like replacing Jimmy. If Jimmy was the kind of guy he acted like,
he’d take part of the crew with him too. I’d have to be given
notice if that was the case. I went out to the other room for my
phone.

I didn’t bother to sigh with the ten missed
calls and voicemails. I just listened carefully and made note as to
who needed replaced. What a damn mess.

Tyler would have laughed and rolled up his
sleeves. The unwelcome memory stabbed pain through my chest so
fierce and hard I gasped and stumbled blindly to a chair. Thinking
of my husband twice in one night wasn’t safe for my emotional
balance.

I never thought of Tyler. The one that was
willing to wait for me. The one that died instead of me. Just his
name caused pain I thought I had buried years ago. Getting mixed up
with Nicholas in—whatever this was—messed up my walls and
boundaries.

Tyler had been a wonderful person. I had felt
safe with him. Loved. Whole. And, sighing a little I studied the
date on my phone.

He’d been gone five years, four months, two
weeks, three days, sixteen hours… and doing the math down to the
minute was ridiculous so I didn’t. But I knew. Time stopped when
Benjamin had shot Tyler with gleeful maliciousness. I knew to the
exact second that gun had gone off.

In a roundabout way, Nicholas destroying some
of my walls had pushed me into examining what I had closed. There
could be no moving forward with Nicholas—not that I even considered
it—without letting go or at least accepting parts of my past. I
couldn’t expect a relationship with anyone, without facing this one
thing.

My sweet, kind Tyler. God, how he could make
me laugh. When a few tears fell it appeared that I wasn’t quite
done crying. Would I ever stop crying over the one lost?

I scrubbed at my face and scoffed. This
wasn’t solving any problems. All it was doing was causing
heartache. I didn’t want, certainly didn’t need any more agony at
the moment.

Nicholas needed a production manager.
Everything else needed to go on the back burner until I had more
time. This tour came first. Nicholas came first. Christ, what a
mess.

My fingers played with the buttons on my
phone without actually dialing anyone. I knew a lot of people from
before. A lot of people that could help out and probably have Ezra
doing a river dance in his office. But there was only one I trusted
even after all this time with all my secrets.

His number never went into any of my phones.
I maintained silence – complete any empty silence – since walking
away. The reality of the situation was that I was about to call for
a favor when I had maintained radio silence all this time.

His number appeared with a quick swipe across
the keypad but I didn’t hit the green call button. I only stared
for a long moment. Some part of me hoped that he’d given up on me
ever coming back. That he’d changed the number. But I knew. Tyler
Gracing might have been the love of my life, but Taylor Gracing had
been my best friend before I had even know what that meant.

“Hello?” His voice was the same and my heart
squeezed. Maybe his voice was just a little deeper. Maybe a little
older. But still beautifully Eastern Shore.

“Hi, Taylor. It’s been a while.”

“Holy saints above.” He laughed, a wonderful
excited sound. “Bella, you’ve called me.”

I winced. “Yes. I’ve called.”

“It’s been too long. Where are you? Can we
meet for food?”

“I’m in San Diego; we could meet for food,
eventually. I have a favor to ask.”

“I am yours. Always. What do you need?”

I blinked, taken aback. “It’s been almost six
years since we’ve spoke. Just like that?”

“Bella.” His sigh was long suffering. “We’re
family. You will always be welcome with open arms and I will always
help within my power. Nothing can change that. Just because you
left—which I will thoroughly lecture you on later—doesn’t mean
we’ve stopped loving and missing you.”

“I’m sorry. For everything.” I squeezed my
eyes tight. I would be damned if I would cry yet again tonight. I
was done with tears, dammit.

“I refuse to accept an apology that is not
yours to give. You can’t apologize for a lunatic, Bella. If you had
stayed we’d have made sure you understood that.” His tone gentled.
“Come on. You have to know that you couldn’t have done anything. We
don’t live a moment longer than we’re meant to. If not by a gun
then by the subway madman or a crazy driver running a light. You
know that too.”

I sighed. “Yeah. I guess. I left because I
didn’t want you to be next. Or Juliette, or Drake. Gods, only
Conrad was jailed and convicted. Benjamin is still out there
somewhere.”

“You still carry?” he wanted to know.

“Yes. No one knows. I haven’t said anything.
I haven’t seen the need to. As long as they don’t show I don’t have
to explain them either.”

“It’s best that way.” Taylor sighed. “So…you
still haven’t said what you need.”

“I’m on tour tight now. My production manager
quit and took almost a dozen of the staff with him.”

“Sucks. Dick move. You want me to have Lizzy
make a voodoo doll?”

“Ha.” I laughed. “No. I don’t think it would
work. I want you to come be production manager.”

There was a long pause on the line. “That’s
an interesting favor to ask for.”

Cold fingers skittered up my spine. “I know
it’s a lot. We still have twenty one concerts to pull off.”

“Concerts?”

“Nicholas Walker. I’m his tour manager.”

“Well, well, well. That is one hot piece of
man candy right there.”

“Taylor, really. If you come and do that
here, he’s going to think you’re gay.”

“I am comfortable enough in my own sexual
prowess to make a clear statement of hotness without feeling my
balls shrivel up.” Taylor sniffed. “I am insulted.”

“No, you’re not.” I laughed again. I did miss
the Gracing twins. Well…not twins anymore. My laughter
subsided.

“When?” Taylor jumped into the gap without
allowing awkwardness to develop.

“I’ll need you to meet the bus and truck in
Las Vegas. Day after tomorrow. My advance man has already left. And
due to contract clauses the opening band is right behind him by a
couple of hours. It’s five hours from here so they’ll be pulling in
around five am. The guys settle into their room and sleep until
noonish one we arrive. I have interviews with Walker to get
through, and then—”

“Walker? You call him Walker? As in Texas
Ranger?”

“Are you paying attention, Taylor? I really
need you to focus if you’re serious.”

“Send me the schedule. The email hasn’t
changed. I’ll call the rest of the Furious Five.”

“Oh God, no.”

“Are you or are you not out almost a dozen
stage hands?”

I sighed.

“And do you or do you not need the shows to
run quickly, smoothly and effectively?”

“Shit, Taylor. But them?”

“You called me for the best, Bella.”

“I did.” I rubbed my eyes with my free hand.
“Just keep Juliette from squealing. It’ll make a bad
impression.”

“You overestimate my power. I can keep her
from tackling. That’s about it.”

“All right. Well. I guess that’s good enough.
For now.”

“I’m going to make calls, get a bunch of
flights for us.”

“Keep the receipts so I can comp you.”

“I know. I know. You and your numbers. I’ll
see you in Vegas.”

“Thank you.”

“Be safe, Bella. Until then.”

“You too.”

The call hadn’t been so bad, I decided as I
paced my room. Taylor hadn’t allowed it to be awkward, which was
his way. I knew he loved me almost as much as Tyler had. But I
couldn’t have stayed. I couldn’t have endangered the rest of the
family like that.

I was thankful Taylor hadn’t dropped a wet
blanket of guilt on my head. I loved him as much as I loved Tyler
and I had done everything I could to keep him safe. If things had
been different… If I had any other alternative, I wouldn’t be
dragging him into back into my life.

Well, circumstances being what they were I
had no choice. No point in wallowing in regret. I had no one I
could trust the way I could trust Taylor Gracing. Even with the
distance of time. No one knew all of me the way the Gracing boys
did.

With at least one problem solved I curled up
in the bed with the TV remote hoping for something to lull me to
sleep. Dealing with the two most important men in my life within
the same two hour window had wiped me out. Thank God that was
over.

The dipping bed didn’t wake me from sleep.
Neither did the air being fluffed under the blanket. What woke me
was the suddenly hot and heavy presence alerting me that I wasn’t
alone.

Somehow he had managed to wrap an arm under
me without waking me. The arm he had thrown over my stomach with
the wandering hand had pulled me from sleep. Lucky for him I could
identify his scent without much effort.

I didn’t bother with a sigh or even shifting.
“What do you need, Walker?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” His head rested somewhere
above mine. Just high enough for his words to tickle over my ear.
“I’ve been thinking.”

“Dangerous for all parties involved.” I tried
to roll away from him to go back to sleep. I didn’t care that he
was wrapped like a Christmas bow around me. I was tired and not in
the mood for this. I couldn’t take another barrage from him. I
wouldn’t survive it.

Nicholas’s arm tightened holding me in place
on my back. “Whatever. Guy actually lectured me for leaving you the
way I did. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you walk out if you were just going
to come back?” Not that I cared, I was just curious. That was
all.

“When you said that… Jesus, you were being
dictated on how to act during sex? I didn’t know how to react.” He
started nibbling the curve of my ear and I tried to pull away but
his arms held tighter.

“I was pissed. I know there are douchebag men
out there but…” He sighed.

“I get it, Walker. Listen, you’re not the
only guy that doesn’t want to deal with damaged goods. I’ve been
through this before. It’s not a huge deal.” I wanted him to get
over it and out of my bed. The easiest way was to let him off the
hook.

“That’s not why I walked out and that’s not
why I said I was sorry. Guy warned me you might think that
way.”

“You told him.” He was damn lucky I was too
tired to fight with him.

“Well, yeah. They’re my friends. For a very
long time. I can trust them with shit like this.” Nicholas sounded
like he wanted to add a duh to the end of that.

“Then why did you leave, Walker?”

“Because I was scared of hurting you.”

I let silence weigh on that before I spoke.
Then decided truth would probably be the best way to go. “Walking
out on me like that hurt. Pinning me to a wall of mirror and
forcing yourself onto me, hurt. I’m not sure how else you could
hurt me.”

“You’re innocent.”

I had to let that sink in and process.
And…nothing. Innocent wasn’t a word normally applied to the gun
wielding, abuse victim. “I don’t understand. I’m too tired for this
conversation. Can we continue this in the morning?”

“Not the way you think. But to the
experience. The real experience. I don’t want you to be scared of
me.” He shifted from his hugging position to slide on top of me
without actually putting any of his weight down. He was close
enough that there were no blurry edges around his form. His worry
was written all over his face.

“I’m not scared of you.” My mutter held the
slightest touch of indignation. “We’ve gone over this. I’m tired of
going over this. Hell, I’m plain tired. Can we please finish this
in the morning?”