Songbird (24 page)

Taylor didn’t speak at first. He sat across
from me and just looked. His foot tapped in a short staccato and he
twisted the watch he wore round and round. “You know,
bella,
I know you.” He held up a hand when I opened my mouth to protest.
“I know it’s been a while but I do know you.”

“It’s been almost six years. People change.”
I crossed my arms. “What’s this about Taylor?”

“For two years we stayed in each other’s
pockets. I could tell your mood before you even knew. You could
tell mine. Mom used to joke we were telepathic.” Taylor drummed his
fingers on the arm of the chair. “So, I know you’re already trying
to find a way to shut him out. To shut us all out. Again.”

I shrank a little in my seat. “I’m not.”

Taylor lifted a brow. “Oh really?” He waited
me out. The canny bastard.

“He deserves better.” I rubbed hands over my
face unable to look at him. I knew what Taylor would think. He was
after all family. Still, he said the words aloud.

“Possibly. You know what always intrigued
me?” Taylor picked up a messenger bag I hadn’t seen and crossed to
sit next to me setting the bag back on the floor. “You never once
ever reach for something
you
deserve to have. It’s okay to
you if
bella
gets left behind, overlooked. It’s okay for you
to shove people in the direction you believe best for them. But
what about what’s best for
bella
? Why aren’t you allowed to
reach for happiness too? Talk to me, Bianca. What’s really
wrong?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my
eyes. “I can’t fall in love with Nicholas.” My words were barely a
whisper. “There’s no way it can work. I deserve to protect my
heart.”

“You’re allowed to love.” Taylor wrapped an
arm around me. ‘”You loved before.”

“See how well that worked out? And Tyler was
different. So much different than Nicholas. I had time and space
and just… I don’t know. This is…weird. God, Nicholas annoys me most
of the time.” I laughed but it was a hollow sound. “If he knew,
he’d probably run screaming into the night.”

“Hm.” Taylor squeezed a little tighter. “The
reputation of Nicholas Walker precedes him. Is that what you’re
worried about? The other women?”

“This isn’t love,” I shoved at him with my
shoulder. “Are you listening to me? There’s something wrong with
how I feel. This is just lust or something. We’re on tour. I’m a
convenience.”

“And there you are shutting him out again.
Pushing away. Preparing for a disappointment that has no inkling of
occurring. Why?” Taylor sighed. “Let’s consider this. How does he
feel?”

I lifted my shoulders in a half shrug. “I
don’t know. He said something about monogamy and being committed to
one person. I don’t take half of what he says seriously.”

You give me music
. His quiet words
floated through my mind. If I believed nothing else I knew
Nicholas’s music was one of if not the most important thing to him.
Where did that put me on the scale if I was the muse?

“Why not?”

“He wants to be the purple yam.” Giving up, I
leaned into Taylor.

“They are delicious, unique, and quite
possibly rare for the staple American diet.” Taylor rubbed my
shoulder. “Not really a bad thing to be compared to. I think it’s
time to try something new.”

Taylor lifted the bag off the floor again and
dumped it into my lap. “These are yours.”

“Mine?” I opened the bag and my heart
squeezed so tight I thought it could be a heart attack.

Randomly I pulled out a notebook and flipped
through it. These were finished pieces not yet assigned to a larger
production. Another notebook revealed half finished work. There
were ten other notebooks but I couldn’t bear to pull them out.

“Yours.” Taylor agreed. “I think it’s time
for
bella
to stop running. We are here now. And we will
protect you.”

“We couldn’t protect Tyler.” I stuffed the
notebooks away.

“And there’s the rub. That’s what’s
bothering. Not that Nicholas deserves better. Not that you may be
falling in love with him. What bothers you is you don’t have the
power to stop a madman. But Bella, no one does. We can only work
with what we have at the time that we have it.”

“Benjamin is still out there.” My voice
cracked. “I won’t risk any of you.”

“You’re taking away our choices,
bella.
If I believed you were actually protecting us I might
accept that. But I don’t believe you are. You can’t.” Taylor patted
my shoulder and stood. “Look through the notebooks. I will quote
our favorite movie.
Remember who you are.
Embrace it. Don’t
let the madman win.”

“Yes, because being sexually abused by my
foster family who turned out to be conmen and thieves is something
to embrace.”

“Good to know your sarcasm isn’t broken.”
Taylor ruffled my hair. “You were once critically acclaimed as the
next Webber. You brought Broadway to its knees with your
translation of Dorian Gray. Your net worth without being partner
nearly breaks a hundred million.”

“Once upon a lifetime ago.” I waved it
away.

“Not as long ago as the scared teenager Tyler
fell in love with. Not as long ago as a romantic proposal. Not as
long ago as a happily married couple and a woman secure in the fact
she was loved.”

I sighed.

“You know what’s interesting that you haven’t
even realized?”

“You’re going to tell me anyway so go for
it.” I waved a hand at him.

“Tyler spent a year earning your trust just
to touch your shoulder or your hand without you freaking out.
Nicholas grabbed you by the hair and kissed you stupid and all you
did was act annoyed and you’ve known him what? Two weeks?”

I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I told you
this was different. This is completely weird and… Christ, I don’t
know. It’s messed up. I don’t know what I’m doing. I know it’s
crazy. Do you think I don’t? I’ve tried stopping it…him. Whatever.
I have.”

“Then maybe you aren’t meant to stop it.
Maybe this right now, whatever it is, is meant to happen.” He spoke
gently offering comfort in his voice. “Maybe you’re not supposed to
know what you’re doing. Try going with the flow. Just this once.
See what happens. You might be surprised.”

“I love Tyler,” I insisted.

“There are all forms of love,
bella
. I
love you.”

My head snapped up and he smiled. “What?”

Taylor nodded. “I’ve loved you longer than
Tyler has I think but it’s not the same as what Tyler gave you.
It’s not meant to be. Every love is different. Every love changes
our lives differently. Maybe Tyler’s love was meant to show you
that you could be loved. And maybe if you fall in love with
Nicholas that will show him that he can be loved. That his
promiscuous ways are unfounded.”

“It’s not love.” I pushed to my feet and
paced across the room. “It’s some twisted form of lust. Have you
seen his body?”

He held up his hands. “As you say. I’m not
trying to fight with you. I’m simply stating you may wish to
consider that you might have come full circle. I’m going to check
on the crew. But
Bella,
I think you deserve to take control
of your life back. You deserve happiness too.”

He stepped out quietly, leaving me with the
bag full of memories and a sinking feeling that he was right.

Whisky was great for courage. Or a great tool
to help cowards gather theirs. Being in the casino made obtaining
the alcohol a lot easier than it would have been with a standalone
vendor.

My notebooks were stacked neatly on the
table. Taylor had even included the original draft of Dorian Gray.
I had every note I’d written all within arm’s reach yet other than
what I had glanced through with Taylor present I couldn’t bring
myself to open any of them.

I stared at what remained of the amber liquid
in my glass and contemplated having another. This was the second
glass, but they were short glasses and without ice. The decision
was taken out of my hands when the dressing room door opened and
the band filed in.

They stopped and shifted awkwardly when they
saw me drinking alone. And to be fair a woman drinking alone was
never a sign of anything good. Nicholas looked curious but didn’t
step forward to interrupt.

I glanced up from the glass, “Taylor. Could
you keep an eye on the crew? I need a moment with the guys.”

Taylor tilted his head and his eyes focused
on my glass. “What’s in there?”

“Whisky.” I lifted a brow. “Care to see my
ID, big brother?”

“Hardly. I’m just wondering if I’ll need to
hire a babysitter for later. Whisky isn’t a light weight drink.”
Taylor locked eyes with Nicholas and without a word something was
transmitted. “I’ll go handle the crew.”

“Thank you. Could you ask Henry to make sure
we’re uninterrupted for about thirty minutes?”

“Of course.” The door closed quietly behind
him.

“What’s this about, Songbird?” Nicholas moved
to stand directly in front of me.

“I should probably start with an apology.” I
set the glass aside. Drinking more wasn’t a good idea now. The
queasy feeling already held more power than it should. “I’ve been
lying to you. Well, with the help of Ezra but I asked him to.”

Nicholas folded his arms. “What are you
talking about?”

I took a deep, calming breath. “My real name
is Belladonna Bianca Percival Gracing.”

Guy snapped his fingers. “
Sin of
Pride
.”

Nicholas looked at him blankly. “What?”

“She’s got some skills.” Guy pointed at me.
“She wrote that musical we saw on Broadway. Christ.” He ran a hand
through his hair. “Almost seven years ago.”

“How do you even remember that?” Arc tapped a
finger against his lips for a moment. “I can’t even remember what
city we were in last night.”

“San Diego.” Max tapped the back of Arc’s
head.

I took several breaths to release the
tightening in my chest. “I wrote that production, yes.”

“I still don’t get why this is important
now.” Nicholas crouched down to look me in the eyes.

“On closing night of one of my productions
two madmen attacked as we were leaving the theater. My husband,” I
swallowed, “Tyler was killed; I was badly injured and hospitalized.
One of the madmen was caught is currently on death row. The other
is still at large. They tore my life apart because I refused to be
blackmailed.”

The guys shifted and sat. Except for
Nicholas. I lifted my gaze to his.

“I’m telling you this because I’ve kept an
extremely low profile until recently.”

“Hiding from the madman?” Arc dropped down
into a chair.

I nodded. “If I write the music Nicholas has
asked me to, and once the LA pictures are printed—along with
probably a few others—my cover is probably going to be blown. Not
right away but it’s unlikely I’ll be able to stay anonymous after
this tour.”

“You’re giving us an out.” Nicholas’s voice
cracked like a whip in the silence that followed my confession.
“The chance to fire you before things get sticky.”

I nodded again. “It’s only fair you know
what’s going to happen.”

“How do you know?” Guy leaned against the
back of Arc’s chair.

I sighed and unbuttoned my blouse enough to
draw out my little Beretta. I set it on the coffee table.

Arc visibly recoiled. “She’s packing
heat.”

Max, bless him, smacked him on the back of
the head.

I continued as if they hadn’t interrupted.
“When the men attacked, I drew and fired. Because a bullet lodged
in his shoulder my attacker was picked up in a hospital five hours
away. The other got away.” I gave Arc a stern look. “I have two
conceal and carry licenses that give me permission to carry in
forty five of the fifty states. It’s completely safe me to have my
guns.”