SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (16 page)

One note: avoid “practicing” bondage or using your whip in public, especially in places like city parks. While not (usually) technically illegal, such activities often provoke strong emotional reactions. In particular, teenage males will undoubtedly come over and aggressively insist upon watching, commenting, and eventually participating. This invites catastrophe.

At certain times, I really like pain - the more the better.

Lighting. Lighting enhances mood. People feel turned on by SM-associated sights: ropes, whips, leather clothing, boots. Allow enough light to see them.

Play with the lighting. Experiment with colored light bulbs (red, golden, blue), black lights, candles, strobe lights, and dimmer switches. Shine a floodlight on your submissive as you whip them. Examine intimate areas of their body with a small flashlight, and make comments.

Candlelight arouses intimacy and passion. Just don’t create a fire hazard. (Remember about flammable materials and liquids - and your extinguisher.)

Light offers wonderful opportunities. Explore them.

Temperature.
Submissives tend to spend a lot of time naked. They often wear only a collar. Cold kills eroticism and prevents relaxation. Keep the room warm enough for comfortable nudity - 75 degrees or warmer. Smart players often keep a thermometer discreetly available to measure playroom temperature.

An old sex-party trick is heating the house until it’s distinctly warm, 80 degrees or so, thus creating an urge in the guests to cool off by disrobing.

Of course, don’t get the room too hot. Non-passionate sweating isn’t erotic. (Remember, some submissives start sweating as they reach their pain-acceptance limit.) I know of one session that ended because the temperature was so high that the dominant, who had been giving an intense whipping, began to suffer heat exhaustion.

Music. If the other basics are handled, music can provide a rich atmosphere. While tastes in music vary widely, certain preference patterns emerge. You’ll want your partner to concentrate on what’s going on between the two of you, not the music. Songs that contain considerable amounts of lyrics, such as top forty music, are often avoided. (Although I do know one sadist who likes to tie his victims up very securely and then play “Feelings” over and over and over.)

Classical music, jazz, and rock music with long instrumental passages are popular. If nothing else is available, tune your radio to an all-classical station.

Music helps block out the sounds of mundane life around you, creating a unique world for just the two of you. Music also somewhat covers the sound of a whipping and other SM-related sounds.

Many people like rhythmic music for whippings. (Be careful not to get so caught up in the rhythm of the music that you stop paying attention to what’s going on with your submissive.) Others - devious sadists that they are - prefer more erratic music.

If I have to listen to that damn Hallelujah Chorus at one more play party, I’ll scream.

Other Matters

As you can see, SM play involves all the senses. Pay attention to sights, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes.

Smell. Smells reach deep into the brain, touching us on a primitive leveL If we like, or dislike, the way someone smells, everything else we think and feel about them is subtly and powerfully shitted. Repellent body odor and bad breath usually kill arousal (although a few dedicated perverts find them especially attractive) - as will excesses of any fragrance.

The smells associated with SM - leather, latex, rubber, and so forth - are a deep part of its eroticism for many people.

Incense adds a lot to a session. Again, experiment.

Taste.
Consider the sensual aspects. Fresh fruit, fruit juice, candy, anything sensual, can add to the scene. (Also remember that playing SM, in either role, can create a real thirst, so keeping something non-alcoholic to drink in the room can help preserve the energy of the session.)

Mirrors.
Many players want to see the activity. Men, especially, often have a high visual aspect to their arousal. Some women do, too. A bound man may have his experience deeply intensified if he can see what is happening to him, especially to his genitals. (An old prostitute’s trick is to position themselves so the man can see his cock in their hand or mouth.)

Also, people often have intense reactions to the sight of themselves in bondage, and you can use a mirror to good effect here. It’s also sometimes hot to position a mirror in front of the submissive as you whip them, so they can watch. On the other hand, a submissive who is unhappy with their own body may be turned off by their image in a mirror.

Bound submissives often can’t see what’s going on, and would like to. A considerate dominant’s use of a mirror can help.

Safety Note: Because mirrors can break at the most unfortunate moments, many playrooms are replacing glass mirrors with unbreakable mylar mirrors. This is especially true of mirrors mounted directly over beds - particularly in earthquake country!

Clocks and watches.
A large part of SM’s energy and power comes from its ability to allow the players to create “their own special world.” This world can be compromised by the intrusion of “mundane” items.

Time can be such an item, particularly for the submissive. It’s often necessary for someone to keep track of the time, and that duty usually falls to the dominant. Therefore, unless you deliberately build it into your scene, it’s generally a good idea to position timepieces out of the submissive’s view.

Urinal.
If your play involves extensive, immobilizing bondage, a portable urinal can save having to undo everything while the submissive runs to the bathroom. A plastic urinal with a lid that snaps into place usually works nicely. Use only unbreakable items for urinal duty. A mixture of broken glass, bondage, and exposed genitals is not a recipe for serenity.

The telephone.
A ringing phone intrudes. Turn off your telephone’s ringer, and turn down your answering machine’s volume, before playing. Make this step as routine a part of your play preparations as you make light, heat, music, and other matters. Play time is a special time set aside for just you and your partner. Leave the phone out of it.

One tip: Many people forget to turn their phone’s ringer back on after playing. To prevent this, attach a reminder note or something similar to the phone.

Don’t Do This If Anyone Involved Is Drunk or Stoned

As I’ve said before, will say now, and will say again later: SM is the riskiest form of sex. You know better than to ride in a car with someone who is drunk or stoned. You should also know better than to play SM with somebody who is drunk or stoned.

This form of erotic play requires coordination, empathy, attention to detail, and the ability to react quickly and correctly to unexpected developments, including emergencies. Anybody who would deliberately impair themselves and then do this is grossly unsafe and irresponsible. If somebody is too intoxicated to drive, they are too intoxicated to play. Play with them anyway and you can die after screaming for hours. End of discussion.

Finding Partners

Once someone decides to explore SM, the question arises: “Where can I find a partner?” Partner-seeking strategies vary depending on your interests, whether you’re looking for play partners or long-term relationships, your geographic location, and, especially, your sexual orientation - gay male partner-seeking strategies are very different from lesbian strategies, which are different from heterosexual strategies. Still, to a significant degree, we’re all in this together - looking for responsible, exciting people with whom to do SM.

Some people seem to fixate on the activity and not on the person. The billion-times-asked questions are, “Where can I meet a submissive man or woman?” and “Where can I meet a dominant man or woman?” This is self-defeating, “cart-before-the-horse” reasoning. The trick is to concentrate on meeting someone you really like who also happens to be sexually compatible with you.

All the men who want to dominate me can’t, and all the men who can dominate me don’t want to.

One of the most awful dating experiences (as I learned at great and painful cost a few years ago) is meeting someone whose interest in SM is deeply compatible with yours, yet with whom you have little emotional rapport. If you are not “in tune” with each other (Janet and I, I’m happy to say, are almost telepathic), and all you have in common is a compatible interest in SM, you are in for a painful, frustrating, and probably short time together. This is the great double-edge to meeting someone through any specifically sexual venue, including an SM club, professional studio, or personal ad.

I’ll start with some general observations about partner-seeking that will apply to most readers, then add some ideas that will apply specifically to various genders and orientations. However, everyone should benefit from reading all the sections. Note: My personal experience with female/female and male/male partner-seeking is essentially nonexistent, so I don’t consider myself qualified to go beyond the basics on these topics. Still, the strategies outlined in this chapter have worked well for many of my gay and lesbian friends, and are well established in those circles.

Penonal ads.
I continue to feel that the best partner-seeking option for most people - the strategy that offers the best results for the least effort - is the strategically placed, intelligently worded personal ad.

In the usual “personal ad courtship,” one person places the ad and the other answers it, usually including their first name and telephone number. The two people talk on the phone a time or two, and if some “chemistry” seems present, they meet. This meeting is usually a brief, inexpensive meeting in a public place, such as meeting for coffee in a restaurant. If that meeting goes well, they arrange a “real” date. Common etiquette is to mention any possible “flaws” early, including obesity, smoking, herpes, HIV-positive status, age, children, marital status, and financial condition.

I’ll let you know this: though you may meet many partners through ads, remember you cannot predict physical attraction or chemistry. Figure there’ll be about a four percent chance that after the first meeting both of you will want to see the other again. Thus, if you average one date a week, and that’s a realistic expectation if you run a polished ad in an urban-area magazine, then within six months you’ll likely meet a partner with whom you feel significant mutual attraction. In the dating world, that’s doing fairly well.

If your ad contains an easily-understood reference to SM, you’ll probably get many fewer responses, but you’ll likely get some. An occasional “letter freak” or sex worker will write, but most letters will be genuine.

I have to surrender sometimes or I go nuts.

Writing and placing an ad.
Regardless of where you advertise, it’s a good idea to remember the following points:

1. Include a few basics such as your race, sex, age, and sexual orientation.

2. Avoid being crude about what physical type of partner you’re seeking, especially if you’re seeking a long-term partner. If you’re looking for a male partner, you can bend this rule a bit, but it’s still a bit tacky to get too specific. If you’re looking for a woman, it may be very wise to eliminate all references to appearance. (Such references offend many women, including the attractive ones.)

3. Don’t focus your ad exclusively on sexual activities. Include a few references to your interests and hobbies - again, especially if you’re in search of a long-term partner. (One woman I know who works for a mostly heterosexual sex publication wryly describes the typical, terrible personal ad she handles as “Dick, Man Attached, Personality Optional.” She also handles the replies, and knows from experience that such ads typically get almost no response.)

4. Try for a light touch or slightly clever wording.

5. Talk about what you have to offer, as well as what you’re looking for.

Most papers now have voice mail that allows callers to leave a message (for a fee, of course) at a specified phone number. Some charge you to call in to check your messages. Some charge both them and you. Comparison shopping is essential.

Some publications will receive and forward letters for you - for an extra fee. Sometimes you pay, sometimes the responder pays: try to set your ad up so repliers pay nothing except regular postage. If you use this option, you’ll need a private mailing address (do you want to be “out” to your mail carrier?). A post office box provides almost ideal privacy at little cost. Private “P.O. boxes” are also good, but cost much more.

One other point: I strongly advise you not to list your telephone number, even if the publication will permit it. (Many won’t.) If you list your number in a sex publication or swingers’ magazine, “phone freaks” will call, repeatedly, around the dock. I know people whose telephone became so swamped by such callers that they had to get a new number. It was impossible to use their phone for anything else. If you must list a phone number, have a second line installed for this sole purpose and buy an answering machine for it, or get voice mail.

From now on, the last word out of your mouth when you speak to me is ‘Mistress.’ Do you understand?

Answering personal ads.
In general, you’ll probably do better by placing your own ad instead of responding to other people’s ads. After all, placing your own ad allows you to send out a very specific signal about who you are and what you’re looking for. However, sometimes you will see an ad that will definitely interest you. I do suggest that you be selective in answering only those ads which genuinely sound like a good fit - calling every person of the gender that attracts you is a waste of your time and money and theirs. In particular, I’ve heard many women bitterly complain about men who seem to answer every single ad from a woman in a periodical, no matter what the ads actually said (and sometimes including explicitly lesbian ads).