SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (11 page)

Since the publication of the first edition of this book, I’ve heard many horror stories about highly nonconsensual - in some cases even life-threatening - private play. I’ve made a point of asking the victims if a silent alarm would have prevented these incidents. In every single case, they have answered, unhesitatingly, “Yes.”

By the way, silent alarms are not onlyfor people who have just met. People in long-term relationships who are new to SM play also might need such an alarm. I read about a husband who murdered his wife by first convincing her to let him tie her up as part of supposed SM play. Silent alarms are not just for new people. They can also be for veteran players - no matter how long the people involved have known each other. Always use a silent alarm if you feel even the
slightest
need for one.

Plainly tell a potential partner that you will use a silent alarm when the two of you play. An ethical, experienced person will understand, and will
not
question you about its details. An inexperienced person might ask questions, but should stop when you tell them such questions are inappropriate. Anyone who continues asking about your silent alarm after you tell them such questions are improper sends a strong message that they are unsafe.

A silent alarm’s use is absolutely non-negotiable. If potential partner objects, consider immediately ending contact with them. Playing SM in private with someone new, especially if you don’t know them well and nobody else knows about it, can be dangerous - even fatal. In a worst-case situation, this lunatic could slowly torture you to death! This being so, SM people should understand a new partner’s need for trustworthy reassurance that they will be treated well.
Accountability
creates this reassurance.

By the way, silent alarms are not only for submissives. Dominants also should use one the first few times they play privately with a new partner.

Get verifiable information about a potential partner before you play with them privately. Find out such things as their home phone number, home address, real name, e-mail address, auto type, license number - the more the better. Anyone who will not provide you with at least their (verifiable) home phone number is someone you probably should not play with privately. (You should be willing to provide a comparable amount of information to your partners as well.) A highly considerate player will offer some of this information even if you don’t request it. I’ve even heard of dominants who
order
their submissives to set up silent alarms. I think this is an excellent idea - and I think the submissives should obey this order.

Tell your silent alarm partner the phone number and address of the play location. It’s also wise to call them immediately
before
you enter the house to confirm the address (a cellular phone can be useful here). Have them call you shortly
after
you enter to confirm the phone number. This call-in is especially valuable as it makes clear to your new partner that someone knows your location. (This is sometimes summarized by the saying, “I’ll call out. You call in.”) It’s also not out of line to have your silent alarm partner speak briefly to your play partner “to wish them a good time.”

Begging is not a safe word.

If your silent alarm partner doesn’t hear from you by more than 15 minutes past the agreed-upon deadline, they should attempt to contact you by phone (or pager, if you have one). It’s wise to agree ahead of time on a “silent alarm word” to signal “I’m in trouble,” and another to indicate “I’m OK.” These words shouldn’t be unusual, so including them in a conversation won’t provoke undue notice. For example, “hi” could mean “I’m fine,” and “hi there” could mean “help!!!” “Robert” could be a green light and “Bobby” a red alert (assuming, of course, that their name is Bob).

If they hear the “in trouble” word, or fail to hear the “OK” word, or can’t reach you at all, they are to assume you are in mortal danger and they are to
call the police.
They are to give your name, and theirs, and your play partner’s. They should tell the police that you are being held against your will at that address, perhaps hidden in the house. They might meet the police at your location, but your silent alarm partner should
never
go to where you are without the police. This is true even if they bring friends and/or weapons with them. They are
not
to play hostage rescue team. They are to call the police.

Because of the seriousness of what will happen if you don’t check in by the deadline, you have a
major
responsibility to remember to call. One way to help you remember is to set the alarm on your wristwatch if you’re going to their house. If the session is at your house, you can use an alarm clock or other timer. (And if you cancel the session, remember to cancel the silent alarm!)

Also, please deactivate the alarm as soon as it’s no longer needed, usually shortly after you and your play partner have parted company. If something were to happen to you later - say, for example, you were in an auto accident while driving home - you wouldn’t want the cops descending on your innocent partner! Stop at a nearby pay phone, or use your cellular phone, and call your silent alarm partner. During this conversation, include a previously agreed-upon “all clear” phrase - an unusual phrase which should never be used in the presence of your play partner. Examples would be the name of a dinosaur, planet, astrological sign, or color.

By the way, if your play partner returns to your house after you have deactivated your alarm (perhaps claiming that they forgot something), reactivate it
before
you let them back into yourhouse. A trustworthy, courteous person will call before they reappear. An untrustworthy person will simply show up and want in. Make them wait outside!
Never open the door, not even to hand them something they left, without reactivating the alarm.

Dominants often make excellent submissives. They know the rules of the game.

If you can’t do that, tell them you’re sorry but you can’t let them in right now. Ask them to return at a more convenient time. If they won’t leave, call the police! This may sound harsh, but coming back unannounced and uninvited is serious misbehavior.

Silent alarm deadlines are usually set for one of two times: either shortly after the session should have ended, or much later. The latter is useful if you think you might be spending the night with your play partner. For overnight sessions, noon the next day is a good deadline.

Two advantages of a longer silent alarm deadline are that it allows for longer sessions and reduces the chance you will forget to call. One disadvantage is that if a session does go bad, it could be a long time before anyone got worried. (By the way, there’s no reason you can’t use
two
silent alarm deadlines - one for the night in question and another for the next morning.)

Use a silent alarm as often as you feel necessary. I have used one up to four times with a given partner.

By the way, you are not obligated to tell a partner when you have decided to stop using one while playing with them. Again, if they ask, that’s a bad sign.

If you don’t have someone in your life who can act as your silent alarm partner, leave the information on your kitchen table or call it in to your telephone answering machine. You can talk into your answering machine as follows, “Hi, this is Debbie. It’s 7:05 p.m. on June 19 and I’m calling from Tom’s house at 1301 Reage Street. His number is 555-1369. We’re about to do some private play.”

Alternatively, mail the information to yourself, mail or e-mail it to a friend, or take some similar action. (Some SM clubs provide “silent alarm service” to their members.) It may be a good idea to carry a printed copy of this note in your pocket or purse. If your partner starts to behave nonconsensually, tell them about it and tell them a trusted friend has another copy.

Silent alarms may sound scary and cumbersome, but using them becomes routine with practice. For example, when Janet or I is playing with a new partner, the other knows the address, phone number, and identity of that partner. The “all clear” call comes in on or before the pre-arranged time, and that’s about it.

If you follow basic precautions and negotiate properly, your chances of needing a silent alarm are slim. I’ve personally never needed one, although I once had a close call, but now and then somebody does - and when they do, they need it desperately.

Remember, the main purpose of a silent alarm is
deterrence.
Most of a silent alarm’s effectiveness comes from letting the other person know, the sooner the better, that it’s in operation.

Mistress, I’m really deep.

Safewords

One unique aspect of SM is the creation of an agreement between dominant and submissive that the submissive will use a specific signal, usually a particular word, to signal that the play is becoming too intense for them and that serious distress and/or damage is possible. SM folks usually call this a “safeword.” It’s also occasionally called a “key word” or a “stop word.”

By using a safeword, the submissive may yelp, wince, cry, plead for mercy, scream for the cops, threaten revenge, and so forth, and such behaviors need not overly concern the dominant. They are “part of the game.” But if the submissive utters their safeword, the dominant must respond, usually by stopping, decreasing, or changing the activity.

The basic safeword is one used to end the session completely. If the submissive (or dominant) calls this word, they completely end the session. A player should take such action only for serious cause.

Safewords are usually chosen from words not likely to come up in a session. Commonly used safewords include: “red,” “mercy,” “peace,” “key,” “safe,” “enough,” and “easy.” Sometimes the dominant’s name is used. A generic safeword, often used at SM parties to indicate that the people involved want others outside the scene to come to their assistance, is “safeword” itself. (Words like “harder” and “more” are poor choices for safewords.)

The one-word system, while suitable as an absolute safety measure, is clumsy. It’s an all-or-nothing device, and submissives often don’t want to go that far. Many players thus use a second safeword to signal, “The play is getting too intense for me. Let’s lighten up or rest for a while.” Players often use the word “yellow” for this purpose.

Sometimes people use an additional safeword to signal, “Please, no more of
that.”
This signals that they want to continue the session, but they have a serious problem with a specific activity. “Blue” is sometimes used as this signal.

Note: Some SM players use the term “911” as an ”emergency/stop immediately“safeword and the term ”411” as an “information/we need to talk” safeword. (Do they know that “611” is the repair service number?)

I cannot overemphasize the importance of
always
having a safeword system in effect when you play. Some experienced players consider themselves so skilled, perceptive, and advanced that they don’t need such a “basic” safety measure. This is dangerous folly. Understand clearly: playing without a safeword will
inevitably
lead to serious problems. You may get away with playing without a safeword for a while, perhaps even a long while, but eventually some disaster
will
occur that a safeword would have prevented. (It’s also my experience that submissives who have a safeword are noticeably more likely to accept intense play than those who lack one.)

A wise dominant remembers that submissives sometimes forget their safewords. A wise dominant also remembers that submissives may feel too embarrassed to confess this. Therefore, they make sure a submissive remembers their safewords before beginning another session with them. It’s also smart for the dominant to make sure the submissive remembers their safewords before significantly increasing a session’s intensity - especially regarding pain. (For these reasons, particularly when playing with somebody new, it may be a good idea to ask the submissive what safeword they’re used to using, and to choose that one for the session.)

Also, a submissive sometimes becomes so accepting of the dominant’s wishes or so “endorphined-out” by the session that calling their safeword will not occur to them. I know submissives who “go under” so deeply that they seem to leave their body. In such a case, an unperceptive dominant could unknowingly cause severe damage because the submissive wouldn’t be “home” to object.

One characteristic of a good dominant is that - while they always give their submissives safewords - the submissives rarely need to use them, especially a scene-stopper like “red.” As a submissive approaches their limits, a skilled dominant watches them closely. The submissive will typically become increasingly tense. Their breathing will become tighter and more labored. Their muscles will grow more rigid. A good dominant backs off before the submissive calls their safeword.

The Ethics of Safewords

Ethical and practical considerations exist regarding safewords. They are our number-one safety measure. Treat them with proper respect. A dominant absolutely must honor a safeword. This is true even if they believe the circumstances do not warrant the submissive’s calling it. This is true even if the submissive calls the safeword in an unethical attempt to manipulate the session. A dominant must
always
honor a safeword - whatever the submissive’s motives. Understand that continuing to whip or otherwise inflict pain on a submissive, or to keep them restrained after they’ve called a safeword, is a
crime.

Sometimes I want you to do things to me that I hate.

Failure to honor a safeword is serious misconduct - perhaps the most serious misconduct an SM player can commit. It would justify never playing with that person again, and might justify ending your relationship with them altogether. Failure to honor a safeword also might be grounds for expulsion from an SM organization. The offending player would have to show why they should not be expelled, and they would face an uphill fight.