SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (13 page)

Emotional limits: Any known phobias or other emotional hotspots? Any “real life” incidents in their past that might come up? Note: Both players should understand that SM play has a small but distinct chance of touching an unknown emotional hot spot in either player.

7.
Sex.
It’s crucial to agree clearly and specifically,
before
beginning the session, about exactly what kind of conventional sexual contact, if any, is mutually acceptable. What about masturbation? Cunnilingus? Fellatio? Swallowing semen? Analingus? Vaginal intercourse? Anal intercourse? Condoms? Birth control precautions? Does either person have herpes? Has either tested positive for the AIDS virus? Keep in mind that not everybody agrees on the definition of “safer sex practices”; before you begin your session, make sure you are in agreement regarding which activities will involve a barrier and which will not.

Don’t act shy or squeamish on this point. The negotiations on conventional sex absolutely
must
be clear and agreed upon before going further. Failure to make sure of this point, or going into the session “hoping for the best,” can set the stage for a very frustrating session - as I have learned from experience.

8.
Intoxicants.
Don’t play if either of you is seriously drunk or stoned. Particularly avoid drugs that make the submissive insensitive to pain or that impair the dominant’s judgment or coordination. (SM often has a potent, drug-like effect on many people. It needs little outside help.)

As of this writing, I know of no serious accidents during SM play where the players used only small amounts of beer, wine, or marijuana. I suggest avoiding SM play if either person is under the strong influence of liquor, heroin, cocaine, amphetamines, tranquilizers, barbiturates, or potent psychedelics. Many injuries and nonconsensual incidents can be traced directly to players using strong intoxicants, especially alcohol!

Note: Introducing any intoxicant not previously agreed upon is serious misbehavior. If the dominant pulls out hard liquor, cocaine, or something similar, the submissive should immediately call “red,” get dressed, and leave.

9.
Bondage.
Who will be tied up? To what extent? (Some submissives allow a new dominant to bind them, but don’t allow the dominant to tie them
to
something such as a bed or chair.) What about blindfolds? Gags? Hoods? (Wise players avoid blindfolds, gags, and hoods during the first few sessions.) Does the submissive have a history of claustrophobia? Have they been bound, gagged, blindfolded, or hooded before? How did they react?

10.
Pain.
How does the submissive feel about receiving pain? Can they be spanked? Paddled? Whipped? Slapped? What about nipple clamps? Genital clamps? Clamps elsewhere? How about hot creams? Ice? Anything else painful? Some submissives cheerfully admit they are “pain sluts.” Others hate receiving pain, but will endure it if doing so pleases their dominant.

11.
Marks.
Will it cause the submissive problems if the session leaves marks? (Whipping is likely to mark.) Do they know from experiencehoweasily they mark? Do they understand it might be difficult to tell whether a given activity is marking them? Do they care if an activity draws small amounts of blood? If it’s crucial that the submissive not be marked, then it’s probably best to avoid spanking, whipping, clamping, pinching, and so forth.

(Note: Sometimes marks not normally visible can be “brought to the surface” by a hot shower. This can happen up to several days after the session.)

We talk a lot about the vulnerability of the submissive to the dominant. What we don’t talk about as much is the vulnerability of the dominant to the submissive.

12.
Humiliation.
This can include “verbal abuse,” forced exhibitionism, watersports (peeingon thesubmissive), enemas, slapping the face, spitting, and scat (feces) games. Does the submissive have any experience in these areas? What was their reaction? Are they curious? Are these areas definite turn-offs?

Playing with humiliation is playing with emotional dynamite. This area, therefore, is exceptionally important to negotiate.

Never “surprise” a submissive with a golden shower or something similar. Their reaction could be immediate and extreme - panic, intense shame, violent rage.

Remember, the less well you know someone, and the less experience you have with them, the more carefully you must proceed. This is especially true about humiliation.

13.
Safewords.
I recommend using at least two safewords: one for “lighten up,” and one for “stop completely.” These are usually enough for a basic session. I also strongly recommend including the “two squeezes” technique.

If the players will use a gag or hood, they must agree upon non-verbal “safe signals.” Again, gagging a submissive without previously setting up a non-verbal safeword and getting their consent is asking for trouble.

14.
Opportunities.
Is there anything either person has wanted to try but not had a reasonable opportunity to experience? Is there anything they feel curious about? Does either have unique talents or skills to offer?

15.
Follow-up.
What arrangements can be made for the two people to spend “straight time” together immediately after the session? What about follow up contact the next day? A week later? If a crisis occurs?

16.
Anything Else?
Is there anything else to discuss or negotiate about before beginning?

Sixteen points seem like a lot, yet with practice experienced players can cover them in only five to ten minutes - if they closely agree. On the other hand, negotiations may take
much
longer. As a rule of thumb, if it takes over an hour to agree on all points, you may not be compatible enough to play together then. Stop for the time being and schedule another meeting.

Don’t try to do it all in one night.

Caution: Negotiate only when both of you are alert and in good spirits. If one or both of you feels tired, sleepy, sad, angry, fearful, or otherwise upset, negotiate (and play) later.

I have used this 16-point checklist with many new partners, and for more than eight years. In all of that time, I have never had a bad session after reaching clear agreement on all 16 points prior to play.

To Help You Remember

The sixteen points are: people, roles, place, time, oops, limits, sex, intoxicants, bondage, pain, marks, humiliation, safewords, opportunities, follow-up, and “anything else?” The first letters of these words, respectively, are: P, R, P, T, O, L, S, I, B, P, M, H, S, O, F, A. I’ve devised a saying to help you remember. The first letter of each word matches the first letter of a negotiation point.

“Placing Ropes Properly Tight Only Lets Sex Intesify. Binding Penises May Hurt
,
So Only Fuck Animals
.”

Its delightful nonsense-ness helps you remember it. (Please don’t fuck any animals. I only put that word in because its vividness will help you remember the saying. I oppose bestiality.)

To review:

Please slap my face.

Say this aloud a few times. Write it down. Post it somewhere. With only a little repetition, it’s easy to remember and use.

It helps to prepare a negotiation form and fill in the blanks as you negotiate. This helps both players stay clear about what they agreed upon (and what they didn’t).

Finally, remember that neither player, especially the submissive,
must
do anything they previously agreed they would do. While they should make a good-faith effort to obey, they may call their safeword if the session becomes too intense for them.

The dominant has
no
right to “really” force the submissive to do anything, even if the submissive previously agreed to do it. Also, the submissive has no right to insist the dominant do anything to them that the dominant feels uncomfortable about doing or incompetent to do. Dominants, too, have the right to use safewords.

“Pre” Pre-Session Negotiations

Few experiences feel more frustrating than sitting in the playroom, negotiating an imminent session, and discovering your potential partner won’t agree to something you consider essential.

Running into a “deal-breaker” in this situation is awfuL Your basic options are (1) cancel the session, (2) proceed anyway, hoping “it’ll work itself out” (it almost never does), or (3) begin prolonged negotiations to try to resolve the situation. (Not likely.)

I have learned that by far the best way to deal with this situation is to avoid it. You do that by negotiating your deal-breakers well ahead of the time when you and your new partner might meet to play. If you know that something likely to come up is beyond your limits, let your prospective partners know this (diplomatically, please) early.

Basic Point: The earlier you discuss deal-breakers, the better. Also, make a point of asking about your potential partner’s deal-breakers. Find out early - as soon as possible after it looks like the two of you might want to play together.

In my experience, the most common deal-breaker is sex. A surprisingly large number of players are willing to get together for bondage, whipping, and so forth only if nothing likely to produce an orgasm will occur. If you know you strongly want (or strongly don’t want) masturbation, oral sex, intercourse, or something similar to occur during the session, mention that early in your pre-session negotiations.

Group Negotiations

When play involves more than two people, everyone should participate in the main negotiations. Afterward, the dominants can send the submissives away and negotiate who will do what. (Among other things, making the submissives wait while you decide their “fate” is itself a delicious torture.)

Post-Session Negotiations and Feedback

Post-session negotiations and other feedback are usually done at one of three times: (1) Immediately after the session. (2) The next day. (3) About a week later.

Immediately after the session, it’s good for the people involved to spend some “straight time” out of role with each other. Spending this time in a place other than the one in which the actual play took place is an excellent idea. Going to a nearby restaurant or coffee house often works very well.

This time allows the people to reestablish a “genuine” relationship with each other. It also allows them time to decompress and relax after sharing an intense experience.

I have found that this time is not an especially good one for detailed analysis of what happened and the participants’ reactions to it. Instead, just relax and get to know the other person again as a person, not as their role of dominant or submissive. If this is not your regular partner, then this is probably not the best time to ask about getting together to play again. The experience is often still too fresh, and too raw, for them to know how they feel about that.

Caution: It’s not uncommon for the dominant to experience some feelings of depression and/or guilt after a session (a phenomenon known as “top drop”). Hitting another person, or otherwise “torturing” them, no matter how consensually it was done or how much the other person enjoyed it, is taboo. The dominant has just broken that taboo, and may be paying the emotional price for doing that. A good submissive, therefore, makes sure to thank the dominant for their time and attention, and reassures them (to the extent they truthfully can) that they liked what happened. Submissives don’t have to lie about this, and don’t have to claim that they liked something that they didn’t like. They do, however, need to make sure that the dominant feels thanked for their gifts of time, skill, and attention.

Let me show you where I hide my extra handcuff key.

The negotiations that take place the next day are often the “real” post-session negotiations. By this time, the people have had a chance to think about what went on and react to it. One retired professional dominant used to question her submissives by using the following formula: What was the best thing about the session? What was the worst thing about the session? What was the most memorable thing about the session? After her submissive had answered those questions, she would then answer them herself from her point of view. After these questions were answered, general discussion followed as appropriate.

I have used a similar approach successfully on many occasions. I ask, on a scale of one to ten, with ten the top, what is your overall feeling about the session? I then ask what was the best thing about the session, and on a scale of one to ten how good was it - and what was the worst thing, and on a scale of one to ten how bad was it? The additional information is valuable. Among its other benefits, it often reveals that the good things were very good and (hopefully) that the bad things were not all that bad. We then go on to discuss other aspects of the session as needed.