SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (9 page)

I’m told that the National Organization for Women’s official position is that SM is inherently incompatible with women’s interests. Given that most of the SM women I know identify as feminists, this may be the next area in which we need to raise consciousness.

You would never have gotten me to believe that I would en joy that.

Five years ago, I would have considered the idea of an SM Freedom Day Parade absurd. Today, I’m not so sure. In five more years, I may help organize it.

Make no mistake about it. We feel tired of apologizing for and covering up our interest in SM. We feel tired of being considered sick. We feel tired ofbeing considered unacceptable. We are coming out. If you’re not ready for that, too bad! Your unreadiness is not our problem.

This form of sexuality has unusually strong economic implications. SM has been a cottage industry for some time. Women work as dominants, submissives, and switches. (So do a handful of men, who have an almost entirely gay clientele.) Those who do phone sex take dominant and submissive roles. People earn money by making, distributing, and selling SM equipment and clothing such as restraints, whips, clamps, corsets, boots and so on. (And books!)

Besides the costs of regular sex (for lotions, birth control measures, and so forth), SM-interested people purchase ropes, clamps, whips, leather gear, and many other items. It is common for a player to spend several hundred dollars on SM equipment. Outlays of several thousand dollars are not at all rare, especially if elaborate leather or rubber items are purchased. SM-oriented books, magazines, audiotapes, videotapes, and similar materials sell briskly.

In short, a large and growing demand for SM-related goods and services exists. Many adult bookstores now carry SM supplies, and stores exist in several cities that sell little else. Let’s put it this way: This is an area that about 10% to 30% of the population seems interested in, and each interested person may spend a few hundred dollars on equipment. The emergence of suppliers to meet such an enormous demand is inevitable.

As the SM community becomes larger and more organized, its political and economic power mounts. Pay attention, politicians and businesspeople!

By their fantasies ye shall know them.

Should You “Come Out” As Being Into SM?

This is a
big
decision, so think about it at length, then mull it over some, and then think about it a little longer. I have come out, but more for professional reasons than personal ones - and even then it was a decision that took me years to make.

Remember, we live in a time when SM is still widely misunderstood and unaccepted. Coming out to the wrong people, at the wrong time, or in the wrong way could cost you your job, your marriage, and much more.

I think that, as general rule, it’s best to keep your SM interest on a “need to know” basis. While you should certainly tell a new lover about it before your relationship with them gets too deep, I see no major reason to mention it to anybody else. Indeed, talking about it with someone you don’t usually talk about other aspects of your sex life with raises consensuality issues. Your lovers need to know, and it shouldn’t be something you need to keep a dark secret from your closest friends, but I see no reason to mention this (in great detail, anyway) with your parents, children, co-workers, casual friends, and so forth. In fact, doing so could cause serious real-world problems.

Also, regarding your kids, be sure to keep your SM gear, videos, magazines, and all other “adult” material out of their reach.
This usually means keeping these items under lock and key,
just as you should with insecticides, caustic chemicals, medications, and firearms. (And be sure to buy good quality locks. Kids have nimble fingers and nimble minds.) Many SM people who are also parents keep footlockers, locking cabinets, and similar items in their solidly locked bedrooms.

Be sure to keep your adult materials away from your kids, especially if you leave the older kids in the house without your supervision. I know of a case in which a woman nearly lost custody of her son because he played an adult video (that she had accidentally left out) for a friend while she was away. When her son’s friend told his parents about it, a “shitstorm” of major proportions erupted, with the local newspapers gleefully reporting every detail.

Regarding who you should tell, a few exceptions exist. You might need to alert your neighbors that “certain sounds” may occasionally come from your home. As one submissive lady told her new downstairs neighbors, “It may sometimes sound like I’m being murdered up here, but unless you hear this (three hard, sharp thumps on the floor, perhaps repeated after a short pause), don’t worry about it. I’m all right.”

If you have a non-kinky roommate, you should certainly tell them to be concerned but not freaked out if they come home unexpectedly and find you naked and hog-tied on the living room floor. Ask them to check in with you briefly before they start yelling for the cops (or, worse yet, attacking your partner).

Vanilla people can do their best to accommodate your desires, but it never quite works - they just don’t get it.

Be careful about telling physicians, psychotherapists, police officers, social workers, and other health care or legal professionals about your interest in SM. Again, it’s far from widely understood. They may conclude that you are either being abused or are a dangerous person, and there maybe mandatory reporting laws involved here, particularly if you are a parent. Unless you’re certain that your healers are “SM-positive,” keep quiet and find other healers. (By the way, the SM community is saturated with health care professionals, so this shouldn’t be all that difficult. Author/educator Race Bannon maintains a list of “Kink-Aware Professionals”; contact information can be found in the back of this book. Your local SM club may also be able to help.)

The basic principle here is that SM is still widely misunderstood. I usually didn’t tell anyone about this aspect of myself unless (1) there was some particular reason that they needed to know about it and, (2) I was prepared to spend some time with them (usually at least an hour) explaining what I meant. It’s helpful to have some credible printed material to help explain. This book may help.

Keep in mind that once you’ve told them, then whatever is going to happen willhappen, so think about it carefully. Remember this fundamental truth:
You can’t untell
.

Definitions

The following section is, necessarily, a bit “academic,” so please bear with me.

SM defined in one sentence.
SM is the use of psychological dominance and submission, and/or physical bondage, and/or pain, and/or related practices in a safe, legal, consensual manner in order for the participants to experience erotic arousal and/or personal growth.

I’m highly eroticized to being in charge.

SM defined in one page.
The first thing to understand is that SM is entirely
consensual
Either party, but especially the submissive, always has the absolute right to slow down, change, or completely stop the activity
for any reason whatsoever.

The second thing to understand is that SM has
limits.
The basic limit is that, even with consent, the “dominant” will not intentionally do anything beyond the ability of the submissive’s body (and mind) to self-heal. Also, even with consent - or, indeed, the desire for it - the submissive should not and legally may not be killed, severely damaged, or recklessly endangered.

The third thing to understand is that SM is done with
safety.
The dominant should always give the submissive a special word, commonly called a “safeword,” or some readily communicable non-verbal signal, to use when the submissive
really
needs the activity slowed, changed, or stopped. The dominant must, by law, always respect and abide by this signal.

Other basic safety considerations include never engaging in SM when any participant is markedly tired, emotionally upset, or intoxicated, not introducing too many new things in a single session, never tying any body part so tightly that it begins to tingle or lose feeling, never (unless both of you are very experienced) striking so hard that you draw blood or leave large marks, and always staying as close to a bound person as you would to an infant left in your care. The primary responsibility for knowing what can be done safely in a session rests with the dominant.

Participation in an SM session should be
negotiated
beforehand. People should only participate in SM with those they know well, trust a great deal, and with whom they have a very good relationship. Engaging in SM with strangers, especially in private, can be disastrous. Also, the people involved should spend “straight time” together after the SM encounter to discuss what went on and their feelings about it. One sign of a good session is that afterward the people involved would like to do it again.

Remember, SM is about consensuality, limits, safety, negotiation - and fun!

People strongly interested in SM should contact an SM club. The knowledge, understanding, perspective, and skill that result from discussing, observing, and participating in SM with knowledgeable practitioners is invaluable.

SM vs. Abuse

Can you help me move this whipping post?

SM play differs from abuse in many of the same ways that a judo match differs from a mugging. Consider the differences:

1. SM play is always consensual (according to the definition of consent on Page 8). Abuse is not.

2. SM players plan their activities to minimize the risks to one another’s physical and emotional well-being. Abusers do not.

3. SM play is negotiated and agreed to ahead of time. Abuse is not.

4. SM play can enhance the relationship between the players. Abuse cannot.

5. SM play can be done in the presence of supportive others — even at parties given for this purpose. Abuse needs isolation and secrecy.

6. SM play has responsible, agreed-upon rules. Abuse lacks such rules.

7. SM play may be requested, and even eagerly desired, by the submissive. Nobody overtly asks for abuse — although self-destructive people may sometimes attempt to provoke it.

8. SM is done for the consensual erotic pleasure and/or personal growth of both or all participants. Abuse is not.

9. SM play can be stopped in an instant, at any time, and for any reason when the submissive uses a safeword. The victim cannot stop their abuser in that way.

10. In SM play, the dominant always keeps their emotions under control. An abuser’s emotions are out of control.

11. After SM play, the submissive often feels grateful toward the dominant. A victim never feels grateful for abuse.

12. SM players do not feel that they have the intrinsic right, by virtue of their gender, income, or other external factors, to control the behavior of their partners. Abusers often do.

Warning signals.
The more of the following that are present in your relationship, the more likely that it will become, or is already, abusive:

• Excessive alcohol or drug usage.

• Isolation, decreased contact with friends or family members. For many years I have had a saying: “If it (the relationship) is going to go bad, it usually goes bad in isolation.” Beware especially of the person who will not read books, attend workshops, or go to club meetings, and/or does not want you to do those things. (Some people may need to avoid events because of privacy concerns; this is a different matter.) They may know that such resources discuss safety, consensuality, negotiation, ethics, and limits - and your hearing that would reveal their abusiveness.

• Unemployment and/or severe money problems.

• Strong feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. Unwarranted suspicions of flirting or arranging secret meetings.

• A history of violent confrontations with friends, family members, co-workers, or others.

• A family history of being battered or other violence. (Abuse is, to a large degree, learned behavior. They had to learn it somewhere.)

• Dealing with relationship problems by issuing threats or ultimatums about what will happen if a perceived problem arises again. (Playful “punishments” that have been negotiated as part of the relationship would be an exception.)

• Non-negotiated, hurtful verbal abuse taking place on an uncomfortably frequent basis — especially if it’s not balanced by a lot of affection and support. Examples may include sarcasm, pointed “interrogation” of motives or behavior, belittling in front of others, frequent “teasing,” or “playful” insults.

• Furniture violence. This is a major red flag. If objects are being damaged during a blow-up, people may be damaged during the next one.

The cycle of violence.
A basic truth of abusive relationships is that the abuse usually escalates in what authorities call “the cycle of violence.” Emotions reach the boiling point and abuse happens.

Following the abuse, the abuser often feels genuinely sorry and asks for forgiveness. This request is often accompanied by promises to change. Unfortunately, the abuser is not usually able to change without outside help.

Abusive incidents are often followed by a “honeymoon period” of relative happiness. Unfortunately, the stresses that led to the original abuse are usually still present, and tensions again slowly build. Before too long, abuse occurs again.