SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (4 page)

People benefit by hearing from more than one perspective. Furthermore, I’m certain that some of my SM “peers” will disagree with at least a few points I make in this book. All well and good! Let such dissenting opinions (provided they’re not too nasty) be published as quickly as possible! The good-faith discussion of differences often allows underlying truths, and points of agreement, to emerge. Everyone benefits from that.

Also, please do me (and everyone else involved) a favor. If you are an experienced SM person, I expect you will agree with most points I’ve made in this book. However, I don’t expect you to agree with all of them, and it won’t shock me if there are a few assertions in here that you find outrageous. (One of the questions I’ve learned to ask whenever I publish a book is, “What am I going to get yelled at for writing
this
time?”) If you believe there is a factual error in here, or if you believe I’m somehow otherwise off base, please feel free to write me and let me know. It would also be nice to hear what you
do
agree with. Please keep your letters brief (I won’t read dissertations) and reasonably polite. Also include how I can contact you. I assure you that I’ll carefully consider your comments.

I’ve been tied up on five continents.

Truth be told, I wish I didn’t feel so alone out here on this “stage.” I’m just a former ambulance crewman doing his flawed best to keep people from hurting themselves and each other due to a lack of basic information.

Headquarters, this is Medic 35. We are on the scene, and the problem is far bigger and more serious than we believed. Please send additional units at once. Medic needs help!

What is SM?

I define SM as the knowing use of psychological dominance and submission, and/or physical bondage, and/or pain, and/or related practices in a safe, legal, consensual manner in order for the participants to experience erotic arousal and/or personal growth.

A widely accepted upper limit to SM is that the dominant will not do anything to the submissive (and, for that matter, the submissive will not do anything to the dominant) that would require a physician, psychotherapist, or other external resource to heal.

Because SM varies widely in manner and intensity, people use several terms to describe it. “Bondage and Discipline” (B&D) should rationally refer to the dominant restraining the submissive in some fashion, then “training” them to behave in certain ways. However, it more commonly refers to “lighter” SM, and not the more “extreme” sadomasochism. Unfortunately, no uniform opinion exists regarding where the line lies between the two.

Another term sometimes used is “D&S” or “DS,” referring to “Domination and Submission.” This is more to the point.

“SDS,” for “Sexual Domination and Submission,” had been proposed and is actually quite good, but “SDS” has unfortunate political implications.

A new overall descriptive term rapidly gaining currency is “BDSM,” which incorporates Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism.

However, tradition has firmly established the slightly alarming and rather easy to misunderstand term “sadomasochism” as the word in general use to describe this area of sexuality. Sadomasochism is long and polysyllabic, so it’s more commonly abbreviated to S&M, S/M, or simply SM. I’ll use the term SM throughout this book. (It’s easier to type.)

‘A stiff prick has no conscience’ - what a contemptible rationalization!

Is SM for You?

Statistically speaking, probably not. SM people can be subdivided into “self-motivated” people, who themselves desire to do this, and “other-motivated” people, who have the subject brought up by their lovers. The Kinsey study of 1953 concluded that only about 11% of the population felt self-motivated to try explicit SM-type behavior such as bondage, whipping, and so forth.

My experience has led me to believe that, when other-motivated people (no previous SM desires or fantasies) are offered a safe chance to experience it, their reaction will put them into one of three groups with about equal frequency.

The first group is just not interested in SM, not even in its lightest, least threatening form. They won’t try being submissive. They won’t try being dominant. They’re not interested, period. That’s it. Noway. Take your whips and go home.

The second group will sample SM but, with time, they’ll come to know that it doesn’t arouse them. They may continue doing it if that pleases their lover (and may start resenting it if their lover wants SM too often or intensely), but it arouses nothing in them personally. They eventually will drift away.

The third group will try SM, and these people will discover (and I specifically mean discover, as opposed to decide) that SM arouses them. They may go through changes - indeed, this may become a personal sexual odyssey - in terms of interest and taste (for instance, they may start as a dominant and discover they prefer being submissive - or vice versa) but they learn that, in one form or other, at some level of intensity or other, SM moves them.

That final third may actively, even lustily, enjoy SM during that relationship. However, if the relationship should end, only about one-third of them will take the initiative of raising the subject of SM with their next lover. In other words, two out of three probably will
not
suggest SM to their next lover. This leaves the final group of one-third of one-third, or about 11%, of those who try SM and will try it again with their next lover. That 11% figure equals the Kinsey estimate.

In summary, SM does not appeal to most people, but does appeal very strongly to a significant percentage of the population.

I can remember going to the circus when I was about four years old, and fantasizing about being spanked by the strong man.

Monday Morning Rebound Syndrome. I sometimes ran into a curious phenomenon back in the ’70s, when I was single and dating “vanilla” women. These ladies would try SM for the first time, usually in the submissive role, and find doing so deeply erotic. They would really get off on it, and have a grand old time. Dating realities being what they are, such sessions usually occurred on a Saturday night.

We would usually spend a hot, erotic night and a friendly, relaxed next day together. I would then return to my home with every reason to believe that all was well. What occasionally happened is that I would call them on Monday night and be told, often in a somewhat angry or frightened voice, “I never want to see you again.” As I said, this was rare, but did happen often enough that I came to think of it as the “Monday Morning Rebound Syndrome.”

What was going on? As far as I could tell, everything had gone just fine. I was certainly never accused of doing anything nonconsensual or of going too far. Furthermore, there was no question that the erotic response of the lady involved had been strong, positive, and genuine. Yet afterwards she was freaking out, or “bolting,” as it’s sometimes called. Why?

Unfortunately, I can only speculate as to the reasons. I imagine that by far the most common reason was that these women had seen an aspect of themselves that made them feel very uncomfortable. While I think “Monday Morning Rebound Syndrome” can certainly affect novice men and women of all orientations, I also think that, particularly given the feminist tone of those times, those women’s discovery of their erotic submissiveness to men was more than they could handle. (Women submitting to men, no matter how consensually and willingly, is still the “least politically correct” form of SM.) I hope that those women have since been able to integrate their desires and their politics in a fulfilling way.

You May Already Be “Into SM”

The dividing line between SM sex and “vanilla” sex can sometimes be arbitrary. Obviously, somebody who owns a suitcase full of whips, chains, restraints, and so forth is “into SM.” But what about the woman who can reach orgasm by having her nipples bitten? What about the man who really loves it when his girlfriend gets on top of him and fucks him silly? What about the two lovers who really get off on tying each other up with silk scarves? What about the person who loves getting spanked?

We, too, are everywhere.

If you enjoy erotic play that involves one person holding the other down or restraining them in any way, or involves one person giving the other orders, or involves any form of erotic pain such as biting, scratching, spanking, and so forth, then what you do could fall under the broadest definition of SM. You may already be a “pervert.” Congratulations!

Why On Earth Would Anybody Want to Do this Stuff in the First Place?

Why, indeed. That question, perhaps more than any other, has caused many people great emotional pain. I think that anybody who has an “other than conventional” sexual interest must have wondered why they feel that way.

The “why” question is too broad to answer with a single reason. No one right answer exists. However, if we break the question into smaller pieces, and take them one at a time, we can make progress.

It’s like asking, “Why do people go to the movies?” Those who go find it rewarding, at least enough so to continue going. Exactly what is rewarding, and how rewarding it is, varies from person to person. SM is like that.

One important aspect of this question is defining conventional sex. Not long ago, many if not most people considered oral sex and anal sex, even among heterosexuals, “sick,” “disgusting,” “perverted,” and “unnatural.” Some people still regard them in that way, and laws forbidding these practices - with lengthy prison terms for “violators” — exist in many states.

So as we ponder “why,” it helps to remember that there is no universal agreement regarding “natural” and “unnatural” sex practices; people define them in many different ways. (As opposed to robbery, for example, where much more widespread agreement exists.) Many sexual practices considered unspeakable in one culture or period of history are considered normal, even preferable, in another. Indeed, if you think there’s such a thing as “natural” sex, consider the variety of sexual expression found among animals.

Still, most men and women, even if they’ve had a reasonable exposure to SM, feel no attraction to it. Why do others?

The first seemingly reasonable explanation is that people attracted to SM, particularly submissives or masochists, must be mentally disturbed. (Many people believe they can imagine why someone would want to be dominant or sadistic. But why would someone want to be given orders, tied up, or — God help them — whipped? How can
pain,
of all things, be enjoyable? A person who desires to feel pain is dearly crazy.)

Well, if so, there certainly are a
lot
of “sickies.” As I mentioned earlier, at least one person in nine feels attracted to SM. Also about one person in three discovers that they enjoy SM. Can one-third of the population be sexually sick?

Most couples don’t
have
conversations like this.

Furthermore, these sickies deal with their illness remarkably well. My SM friends hold jobs as well as my non-SM friends. They begin and end relationships, marry and divorce, and make both friends and enemies with a frequency apparently equal to that of non-SM people. They seem to have no greater or lesser frequency of alcoholism, suicide, mental illness, or history of having endured child abuse. In fact, they seem identical to “normal” people.

One study
(An Initial Study of Nonclinical Practitioners of Sexual Sadomasochism
by Janet P. Miale, 1986, the Professional School of Psychological Studies, San Diego, CA) found no significant differences between a group of SM people and a control group of “normal” people.

So, if we’re not crazy, what are we?

I think many people explore SM because, as horny creatures, we feel somewhat curious about all forms of sex. Most heterosexual couples explore sexual intercourse in various positions, locations, and times of day. Many also try oral sex and anal sex. Some try “mate swapping,” group sex, and bisexuality. As they work down the sexual menu, these couples come to SM. It’s yet another sexual adventure, perhaps made more alluring by being considered too far out by many.

What many of us are, then, is not crazy, but explorative.

Beyond Curiosity.
Even the most conventional sexual arousal is not “rational.” Arousal is deeply emotional, physiological, sensual, even primordial. It involves sights, sounds, touches, tastes, smells. Sexual arousal is ultimately (and “ultimately” arrives quickly) visceral.

Let me add that sexual arousal is also highly individual. If you have no empathy for another person’s turn-ons, they will probably appear ridiculous, or even repulsive, to you. Even if you share a particular interest, another person’s activity may look overrated. If you have ever directly watched other people having sex, you may understand what I mean.

Why would somebody get aroused by “kinky” stuff? Could it be imprinting? Past trauma? Early childhood experiences? In some cases, undoubtedly so, but not in every case, or even most cases. For many of us, though, this is much more than simple curiosity or a reaction to something in our pasts; it’s been a deeply ingrained part of us for as long as we can remember.

Some motivations
are
pathological. Dominants may have “old stuff” going on regarding frustration, sadists regarding anger, submissives regarding dependency, masochists regarding guilt or self-loathing. But I see no evidence that everybody who enjoys SM has these things going on, at least no more so than “normal” people. Also, most people who enjoy SM find it rewarding to switch roles sometimes. They enjoy both dominant and submissive energy.

I think many people find the experience ofSM itself rewarding because there is an excitement, an
intensity,
to SM, that many people don’t feel with “normal” sex. People don’t repeat behavior that is not rewarding, and SM is highly rewarding for many. The nature and degree of that reward seems more than one would expect from the “acting out” of psychological flaws.