SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (2 page)

My thanks to the many, many wonderful people of The Society of Janus who have given and taught me so much over the years. I hope I have given at least a fraction of that back.

My thanks to Mistress Lana White, whom I have been proud to call a close personal friend for nearly twenty years.

My thanks to Mistress Augusta Fury, who “interned” under me with skill, grace, and a wonderfully vital intelligence. Few things please a teacher more than watching a pupil grow and develop so beautifully under their guidance.

Recognizing that “the first rule of friendship is to be there in time of need,” my thanks to Bill, Bruce, Charlie, Don, Fran, Frank, Glenn, Joann, Josh, KJ, Lynn, Karen F., Karen M., Marie, Mic, Nicole, Robin S., Ronnie, Sage, Scott, Sherry, Tom, and the many others who, on several occasions, held me, healed me, and helped me get back on my feet after life knocked me over.

And, finally, my thanks to Janet. To love and be loved, absolutely, unconditionally, and wholeheartedly, is one of the most divine joys a human being can experience. Thank you so much for bringing that joy into my life.

Acknowledgements, second edition

I would like to think that I’ve learned and grown a great deal in the years since the first edition of this book was published. Listed below are some of the people who helped in this growth. Some I talked with, some I argued with, some I hung out with, some I played with, and some I did all of the above with. (You get to guess which is which.) My thanks to you all.

Bert Herrman

Bill Henkin

Bill Majors

B.N. Duncan

Brandie

Carol Queen

Cat

Cecelia Tan & Corwin

Charles Moser

China

Constance

Damien

David & Molly

Deborah Addington

Derek

Donnie Rice

Dossie Easton

Elizabeth of Differences

Empress Eisanna

Francesca Guido

Glenn Olsen

Gregg Loy

Guy Baldwin

Jaymes Easton

Janette Heartwood

Joel Tucker

John Warren

Joseph Bean

Karen Mendelsohn

Kim M.

Lady Cassandra

Lady Tanith

Laura Goodwin

Laurie O.

Lee Hawaii

Leona Joy

Leonard & Michelle

Manx

Mark & Laura Lee

Michael Decker

Molly Devon

Nadja & Lurker

Oberon & Morning Glory Zell

Philip The Foole

Phillip Miller

Robert Dante

Robert Morgan

Russell Brunelle & Erika

Snow White

Susan S.

Sybil Holiday

THYST-L

Tom B.

Tony DeBlase

Wayne & Margo

Special thanks to Lori Zieran, Maryann B., and The Nymphet.

And finally, once again, my thanks to Janet, for the many years of love, for the adventures and misadventures, and for her utterly superb and outstanding help with this book.

The publisher’s special thanks go to Frites and Chameleon for helping this book become a reality.

Warning and Disclaimer: Please Read Carefully

Nobody associated with the writing, publication, distribution, or sale of this book, or in any other way connected with it, is in any way liable for any damages that result from your engaging in the activities described herein.

You assume all risks associated with your participation.

Sex is an extremely controversial topic. The form of sex known as sadomasochism (SM) is an explosively controversial topic. Opinions and feelings, both pro and con, run strongly and deeply regarding it. Unfortunately, the average person’s understanding of SM is wildly unrealistic. Meaningful discussion of SM with such a person is therefore impossible. I’m writing this book to present SM realistically. A few points need emphasis.

1. Engaging in SM always involves serious physical, emotional, and other risks. Furthermore, you can never completely predict the amount of risk. You can do much to reduce those risks, but understand that SM is inherently unpredictable and dangerous. The decision to participate, and responsibility for the resulting consequences, is entirely yours.

2. Do not consider this book a substitute for medical, legal, psychological, or other professional advice. Consult appropriate professionals as necessary. Also, please note that professionals vary widely in providing information or advice that is complete, accurate, up-to-date, and unbiased. Therefore, by all means get a second opinion (or even a third opinion) if you feel you need to.

3. SM is far from completely understood. Many realistic, scientifically sound investigations have only recently begun. Therefore, much about SM remains unknown. This being so,
the information in this book is necessarily incomplete.

4. SM knowledge rapidly grows and changes. Each new year produces significant developments. Therefore,
at least some information in this book is undoubtedly outdated.
Try to get updated information before proceeding.

5. Please understand that, despite extremely diligent efforts, this bookmay contain technical and/or typographical mistakes. Please don’t get hurt because of a misprint. If possible, verify the information’s accuracy with a knowledgeable, independent source before acting on it.
Please contact us immediately, preferably in writing, regarding errors, so we can correct them.

6. Nothing herein is intended to appeal to prurient interest. This book addresses the psychological, technical, political, educational, social, economic, and other aspects of a sexual practice engaged in by millions of people all over the world throughout history.

7. Opinions vary about SM - especially regarding safety. Some activities I consider safe are regarded as unsafe by others; some activities they consider safe I regard as unsafe. Please try to get different opinions regarding the safety of various activities. Listen carefully to all, and make your own decision.

8. No widely accepted quality or safety standards exist for most SM equipment. What we know about safe design we mostly learned through painful experience. Many items used in SM, including most in this book, were never designed or intended for such use. Therefore, the risk of using them may be much greater than apparent. Also, possession of some SM equipment is illegal in some states. Check your state’s laws, appropriate federal laws, and other regulations. Make sure you are not breaking the law by simply possessing certain items. Consult a knowledgeable attorney if necessary.

9.
Please do not rely on this book as your sole source of information.
Perspective is essential to understanding SM. While I have done my best to present it realistically, mine is still only one point of view. The Bibliography cites several other excellent books and magazines on this topic.

If you can, contact an SM club. Attend its functions and talk with its members. Seek out opinions and advice from experienced, knowledgeable people. However, remember that just because somebody has done something for a long time does not itself guarantee they understand it - particularly regarding health and safety. As in other areas, some people who claim “ten years of experience” actually have one year of experience repeated nine times. Listen carefully and politely, but do not automatically and uncritically accept anyone’s advice or opinions - including mine.

10. SM compares to conventional sex in ways similar to how flying a small aircraft compares to walking to the corner store. Neither is entirely safe, but the former is much riskier. SM is not so dangerous that everyone should avoid it but, much like flying, mountain climbing, white water rafting, skydiving, bungee jumping, or auto racing. its substantial risks demand that you approach it with a responsible, mature appreciation of the knowledge, judgment, ethics, and skill required to participate in it safely, consensually, and with caring.

This book is lovingly dedicated
to the memory of Don Miesen
a brilliant SM pioneer
a generous friend to those in need
and a thorough scamp

Preface

This book is about passion. While much of it is philosophical, sociological, or technical, underlying it all is passion - erotic, sexual passion. No one really knows from where, or why, this passion arises, but arise it does.

I cannot place this passion within you. It’s either there or it’s not, and you must, if you so wish, discover that for yourself. Like a whitewater-rafting instructor, I can teach you things that will assist you while you are being carried along by its current, but neither I nor anybody else can implant this passion within you. Dance steps can be taught, but dancing cannot.

About the Quotes

Throughout this book, in an attempt to convey a taste of what it’s like to engage in SM or to be part of the SM community, I have included a number of quips, remarks, and other comments I’ve heard over the years. None of the people felt, as far as I know, that they were making a “significant” statement at the time they spoke. These are just passing comments, and therefore, more revealing.

Sonnet 57

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu.
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of naught
Save where you are how happy you make those.

So true a fool is love that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

-
William Shakespeare

Preliminaries

Introduction

So many of you are out there, wondering. I know some of your questions, and something of the torment these questions often cause.

First, know you are not alone. You may believe you are the only person in the world interested in SM. Let me say to you, quietly but emphatically, that no matter how bizarre, extreme, or “perverted” your fantasies and desires may seem to you, please know that thousands of other people have similar thoughts. Indeed, if one highly credible source can be believed
(Sexual Behavior in the Human Female,
by Kinsey, Pomeroy, and Martin; published way back in 1953), at least 11 % of the population feels attracted to SM.

Learning how to do SM is like learning how to have sex all over again.

The Purpose of This Book

I am writing this because (1) I believe many people want and need a realistic introduction to SM, (2)

I believe I have enough knowledge and experience to provide such an introduction, and (3) I want to make a whole lot of money. Let’s look at those reasons one at a time.

1. I believe that by far the greatest reason people fear SM is that they don’t understand it. In this book I will clearly explain the basics of what SM is and what it is not.

2. I have been in the SM community for more than 20 years. I have spent time as both a dominant and a submissive, have talked with many other practitioners at length, and have met people from all over the world who enjoy SM.

I do not claim to be a “World Class Expert” on SM. (I would suggest that you be wary of anyone who does.) Many people understand its fine points, depths, and nuances better than I do, but I believe most of them would agree with me on most points in this book.

3. I believe the information in this book will be of far greater value to you than the money you paid for it. (You
did
buy it, didn’t you?) Thus we have a fair exchange in which we both come out ahead. That’s a great way to make money.

4. Another purpose of this book is to ease the terrible pain and isolation SM people often feel. I want this book to be a resource that enables those people to contact the mainstream community.

My basic goal in writing this book is to provide you with a level of knowledge about equal to that contained in an introductory college class. (Four units. Three hours lecture, two hours lab per week.) In other words, to get you basically oriented and informed. After that, I’ll toss you to the experts.

I know of only a few“experts” in the traditional, academic sense. This form of sexuality has traditionally been discovered by individuals and handed down by word-of-mouth, lovers who taught lovers who taught lovers. As far as I know, the first edition of “SM 101” was the most comprehensive discussion of this information at the time of its publication. One of my goals was and is to put SM basics down in tangible form. I wanted to write a “pillow book ” about SM - something one lover could give to another.