SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (12 page)

Another serious breach of ethics on the dominant’s part is to say or imply to a submissive, especially to a bound submissive, that maybe they don’t feel like honoring the safeword. This may destroy the submissive’s trust, and is grounds for the submissive to end the session immediately.

Don’t joke about safewords. Don’t imply that you won’t honor them. Even one such remark may permanently destroy the trust a submissive considers essential to play with you. If the submissive thinks you might not honor the safewords, they may quietly conclude they are in danger of being tortured to death. They might then, particularly if they don’t know you well, decide not to test you on this point and end the session in the way that will most reliably remove them from danger - possibly by attacking you.

I heard of a dominant woman who bound a novice submissive man and then told him that maybe she wouldn’t honor their safewords. When the session became too intense for him, he simply slipped out of his restraints (she wasn’t as good at bondage as she thought) and left. When she tried to stop him, he doubled her over with a kick to her stomach and almost smashed in her face with a pair of heavy leg irons.

Get clear and stay clear about this: a dominant who “jokes” about not honoring safewords can get themselves killed.

Also, dominants should remember that some submissives want to be badly hurt. A few even want to be killed. And it’s not unusual for an endorphined-out submissive to decide that they want an activity that they would definitely regret later - and be very angry at you for doing. (Thus giving rise to the community saying, “Tops need safewords too.”) Remember that just because a submissive does not appear close to calling their safeword is
not
enough grounds to inflict more pain. Even with consent, you must not (and legally cannot) cause severe injury.

Safewords carry responsibilities for submissives, too. The submissive must never call a safeword, especially “red,” for frivolous or unethical reasons. On the other hand, a submissive shouldn’t wait until they are seconds away from a nervous breakdown before they call a safeword, particularly when playing with somebody new. Remember that it will take time to remove clamps, untie ropes, and so forth. The submissive might be carried beyond their limits and into trauma during that time. Don’t wait until the last instant to “bail out.” No heroics!

On the other hand, it’s common for a submissive to “test” a safeword during a session to make sure that the dominant will honor it in the future. This is particularly likely during their first few sessions with a new partner. Don’t worry, they’ll get over it.

Also, when being submissive, don’t use your safeword to “top from below.” It’s not enough that you’d simply rather be doing something else. Safewords exist to protect you from serious damage. Never use them frivolously.

You haven’t tied me up in over three weeks. Is something wrong?

Non-Verbal Safewords

Players who use gags or similar devices obviously need non-verbal signals. Some such signals include vigorous nodding of the head “yes,” waving the foot in a particular pattern, snapping the fingers, grunting a certain way, or dropping something held in the hand. People who play in darkened rooms need
audible
signals - some players give the submissive a squeaky toy to hold.

One good non-verbal safeword is snapping the fingers. (This may not work if the submissive is on their back with their hands tied behind them.) Loud grunts are also possible for a gagged submissive. These work well, but a dominant might confuse them with a submissive’s moans. One workable pattern is that two grunts equal yellow and three grunts equal red.

A few clever submissives learn how to finger-spell the deaf-mute alphabet. If the dominant learns to read it (the basics are easy), much communication becomes possible between the silenced submissive and the dominant.

Checking In

One problem with safewords is that they require initiative on the part of the submissive. From time to time, I hear about a scene in which the submissive had a bad experience and afterwards is feeling reproachful, and the poor dominant is bewilderedly saying “But they didn’t safeword!” I think the fact that the submissive did not safeword is a partial, but not a complete, defense. However, it’s certainly no excuse for not knowing what’s going on with your submissive.

She had that expectant glow about her. You know, the kind that masochists get?

For this reason, dominants need some way that
they
can ascertain what I call “affirmative consent,” preferably without asking a somewhat-mood-disturbing question like “Are you OK?” (After all, they’re “tormenting” the submissive.)

Some verbal “check-ins” that work well are “Are you still with me?” and “Do you remember your safeword?” (By the way, “Yes” is not an adequate answer to this second question; “Yes, master or mistress, it’s ‘gorgonzola’ ” is much better.)

Two squeezes means I’m OK.
I invented the “two squeezes” technique, and I’ve found it works well. To use this technique, the dominant places their hand on the submissive’s body and gives two firm and noticeable (but
not
painful) squeezes. The dominant usually does this by grasping the submissive’s hand, but also can use other places such as the wrist, shoulder, or thigh. (I suggest avoiding the breasts and genitals.) The two squeezes ask “are you OK?”

The submissive replies that they are OK by giving two squeezes in return. Note: The dominant can learn a lot about the submissive’s state of mind by noting
how
the submissive returns the squeezes. Two quick, brisk squeezes show that the submissive is alert and “in the room with you.” Two long, slow squeezes show that the submissive is OK but “deep under.”

If the submissive is in a position that makes it difficult for them to squeeze in return, they could answer by opening and closing their fist twice. They also could answer by nodding their head twice, by pointing their foot twice, or by sending another non-verbal signal.

(By the way, an experienced submissive who is “teaching from below” can also use this technique to check in with a novice dominant.)

What if you squeeze and
don’t
get two squeezes in return? The first action you should take, particularly if the preceding play has been intense, is wait. (In particular, don’t give any more pain.) Remember that it sometimes takes a submissive a while to “swim back up” far enough to answer. It also sometimes takes a while for them to realize that their dominant asked them a question and they must reply. (Remember, sometimes submissives go so deeply under that they experience themselves as having melted or dissolved.)

If you’ve waited about thirty seconds and haven’t received “return squeezes,” give two more, slightly stronger, squeezes. If the submissive doesn’t respond to these new squeezes after about thirty seconds, check in with them in a more verbal, direct manner. Ask them a question like, “how are you doing?” or “what’s going on?” Make sure of their condition before you proceed.

The “two squeezes” technique usually works extremely well. It provides a simple, workable way for both parties to communicate that they are all right without either having to break the mood verbally.

The first time I talked my wife into tying me up, I was trembling like a leaf - not with fear, with excitement.

Degree of spread equals degree of distress.
I once did a session in which I bottomed to a very experienced and well-known mistress who specializes in flogging. She instructed me that if my hands were somewhat relaxed and curled, she would interpret that as meaning I was OK. I was to spread my fingers to show my degree of distress - the wider-spread my hand was, the more trouble I was having receiving the flogging. I found that this signal worked very well for me, and have since used it in my own dominant sessions to good effect.

Negotiation

There’s an old SM saying (which I invented) that goes, “When two people are alone together, and one of them is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them holding whips and other torture implements, this is
not
the time to have a serious mismatch of expectations.”

I regard negotiation as the single most important SM skill. Before two (or more) people play, they must agree who will do what, within what limits, and for how long.

Failure to negotiate well is the single most common cause of a bad SM session.

Three reasons account for most poor pre-session negotiations. First, the people involved may have little idea of how to negotiate properly. Second, they may know how, but feel so aroused by the prospect of imminent play that they let their hormones carry them further than they should. Third, they may do so many negotiations that they become bored or careless. Professional dominants and submissives often suffer from this last flaw.

Some players try to negotiate as they go along. This is dangerous. First, people may agree in the excitement of the scene to activities they shouldn’t, which they will regret later, and which they’ll probably blame on you. Second, the submissive may not feel free to refuse. They often find it difficult to come temporarily out of “bottom space” for negotiations on equal terms and then resume their role.

The best time to negotiate is at the beginning, preferably while both players are still dressed and neither is in role.

The primary responsibility for complete, ethical negotiations rests with the dominant. A good dominant shows their skill and control by insisting on high-quality negotiations. A poor dominant, and therefore one of doubtful trustworthiness, proceeds recklessly.

If one player has much more experience, that person also has a strong responsibility to make sure negotiations are handled properly.

Basic negotiations between experienced players can often take only five to ten minutes, but these are the most important minutes of the session.

The following matters commonly arise during SM, and thus players should negotiate them before playing. If a specific matter is not agreed upon, the players, especially the dominant, should not introduce or propose it during that session. Wait till next time. Agreement changes once the session begins, especially if proposed by the dominant, begin to stink of nonconsensuality. Instead, think “next time.” Dominants must master resisting temptation; they must become experts at self-denial.

A good, basic SM negotiation should cover 16 points.

1.
The people involved.
Who will take part? How much experience do they have with the activities proposed? Who, if anybody, will watch?

2.
Roles.
Who will be dominant? Who will be submissive? Any chance of switching roles? Will the participants be acting out a particular fantasy such as teacher/schoolchild, pirate/captive, or owner/dog?

Is there clear agreement by the submissive to obey, within limits, the dominant’s orders? Can the dominant “overpower” the submissive? “Force” them to do something? What about verbal resistance? Physical resistance? May the submissive try to “turn the tables” on the dominant? Will the submissive agree to wear a collar? Will they agree to address the dominant as “Master,” “Mistress,” or some similar term?

Warning:
Physical resistance can easily be misinterpreted. I therefore strongly recommend that, particularly for the first few sessions, the dominant allow
any
physical resistance by the submissive to “succeed” immediately. A dominant should tell the submissive,
in so many words,
that they will consider any physical resistance on the submissive’s part, no matter how slight, a “strong yellow” and will not even begin to try to overcome it. Major physical resistance will be considered a “red” and will result in the session instantly ending.

3.
Place.
Where will the session occur? Who will ensure privacy? (Usually the dominant.)

4. Time. When will the session begin? How long will it last? How will its beginning and end be signaled? Who will keep track of time? (Again, usually the dominant.)

Note: Unless deliberately built into the play, a clock visible to the submissive often detracts from the scene’s energy.

5.
Oops!
SM play is always somewhat unpredictable. No matter how carefully you negotiate and plan, accidents, misperceptions, miscommunications, and sometimes unintentional injuries will occasionally happen. Therefore, it’s a good idea to talk about these matters ahead of time, discussing how you will handle them and how you will treat each other if they do occur. It’s important to agree that both parties are negotiating and playing in good faith, and that any mishaps will be discussed in a constructive, non-blaming way.

6.
Limits.
This mainly involves the submissive’s physical and emotional limits. Do they have any relevant health problems such as a heart condition, high blood pressure, or epilepsy? Are they wearing glasses or, especially, contact lenses? How well do they see without them? Do they have any physical limitations? I would hesitate, for example, to tie someone with their arms stretched tightly overhead if they have a history of a dislocated shoulder. Any history of plastic surgery? (You don’t want to deliver strong whip strokes to breasts that contain implants.)

I en joy the contrast - a sweet, feminine, innocent-looking lady who en joys the heck out of torturing me unmercifully.

Any history of back surgery, joint surgery, sprained ankles, neck injury, joint disorders, arthritis, etc.? Any other range-of motion limits?

The submissive
must
be completely honest with their dominant about limits. Some submissives conceal information because they may feel embarrassed or fear that revealing it may cause the dominant to decide not to play with them. This is stupid. While revealing the information may indeed cause a dominant to cancel a session, withholding it may cause a disaster.