SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (17 page)

Keep an eye on your phone bill. If you’re not careful, you can run up a tab of several hundred dollars responding to voice mail ads without getting any sort of satisfactory response. One thing to keep in mind is that not all these ads may be from “real” people. While the publishers of these publications heatedly deny this, it is all too easy for them to place false ads in order to reap the per-call charges. Serious money is involved here, and there is essentially no way that you can verify an ad’s validity. Watch your wallet. If you don’t get some concrete results fairly early in your voice mail adventures, take your business to another publication.

Personal ads in cyberspace.
This is an exciting new option for people of all genders and orientations, and its potential grows daily. Two Internet newsgroups are of particular interest: alt.personals.bondage and alt.personals.spanking. (Do a search on the word “personal” to discover other regional and specialized options.) Several World Wide Web sites accept SM-RELATED personal ads. Also, large Internet service providers such as America OnLine and CompuServe have sections where SM-type personal ads can be posted. Finally, many local and regional SM computer bulletin boards have sections devoted to personal ads.

One advantage to advertising in cyberspace is that it costs nothing beyond your regular subscription cost, and you usually have as much space as you want to describe yourself and your interests. One disadvantage is that cyberspace personal ads tend to reach a very large audience, so you may have to deal with the frustration of being contacted by a like-minded person who happens to live on the other side of the planet.

My girlfriend is quite the gleeful little flagellant.

SM clubs.
People often hope to find partners at an SM club. This strategy has much to recommend it for heterosexual women and for gay men, lesbians and bisexuals; it doesn’t work so well for heterosexual men. The major advantage is that a person you meet at an SM club’s functions probably likes SM. It’s not like meeting a vanilla person and trying to decide when to bring up “the big subject.” (Although in larger cities, many vanilla people now know something about SM fundamentals. While they may not know techniques, many people now know about basics such as consensuality and safewords.)

The major disadvantage to meeting this way, and it’s formidable, is that most clubs open to both men and women must deal with large numbers of inquiries from men. SM seems to interest men and women with equal frequency, but men are
much
more likely to contact a club. The male/female ratio of requests for information can be as high as ten to one, and sometimes higher.

Blunt observation: Because there are usually many more single men than single women at mixed-gender SM functions (some years ago Janet and I went to an SM party attended by twelve couples, twelve single men, and zero single women), and because these men are almost invariably looking for female play partners, some men absolutely will not bring their new girlfriend to an SM event until their own relationship with her, particularly the matter of playing outside the relationship, is entirely clear, agreed-upon, and secure.

One man told me that when he brought an attractive young woman he was just getting to know to a lecture given by an SM club, a small mob of single men (and a few couples, and a few women) was “circling like sharks” around her. She (rather innocently) exchanged phone numbers with various people there, and was slightly shocked at the volume of calls she immediately received from people wanting play dates. “I thought they were just being friendly,” she later, somewhat ruefully, remarked.

Many clubs “solve” this problem by limiting either membership or attendance to couples only. I’m not happy with this “solution,” but I understand it. I’ve attended functions where the gender imbalance was severe (greater than five to one). Few people, male or female, had a good time. If you are a heterosexual man seeking a partner, your chances of finding one at an SM club are distinctly dim.

To make it worse, single men do sometimes meet partners at SM clubs. It’s rare, but it does occasionally happen. So that means many single men persist because each believes he will overcome uphill odds and find the mistress or slavegirl of his dreams.

I just love a man who can take heavy pain.

The only men for whom this is not true are those who have been in the SM community for years. These men have slowly come to know people in the community. Their personal contacts and years of experience give them opportunities closed to other men, but even these guys have long dry spells. Don’t think you can overcome the male/female imbalance by spending “time in grade.” If you are an inexperienced, single, heterosexual male, it’s simply not practical. You could “patiently wait” for years.

One valid reason to join a club is to learn SM’s techniques and safety measures. Many clubs offer excellent educational programs at little cost. You may not go home with the partner of your dreams, but you will go home with useful information.

An additional benefit.
Most SM clubs also offer personal ads in their (usually monthly or quarterly) newsletters. A personal ad placed in your local SM club’s newsletter has substantial potential to work well. I’ve placed several, and I’ve never failed to get at least one serious response.

Leather bars and dance clubs.
This is an area that has changed a great deal since the first edition of this book. At that time, there were a fair number of gay male leather bars, a few lesbian ones, and no heterosexual ones. Since then, we have seen the emergence of dance clubs and night clubs that allow or encourage SM people and, in some cases, SM play. The most typical pattern seems to be for such clubs to have some nights that are for men only, some for women only, and others that are open to players of all genders. Some, however, are entirely pansexual.

Leather bars have been a vital link in the growth of the gay male and lesbian SM communities for several decades, and have proven themselves as a place to find partners. The pansexual variants can be interesting to attend, but all-in-all, I’m not too wild about them as a place to meet partners, particularly if you’re over 30. The music is often loud, and the cigarette smoke thick. The play is sometimes clumsy or even dangerous, and monitors are not always present. Scenes are also often surrounded by a clueless crowd of vanilla spectators.

While I’d be delighted to be proven wrong on this assertion - I’d love for there to be more places for SM people to meet like-minded others - most of the clubs I’ve seen haven’t impressed me much. Still, a growing number of them exist, and with time and experience I expect them to be a more important venue for players of all orientations.

Signs and Signals

Gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and a small but growing number of heterosexuals interested in SM sometimes wear particular items of clothing in certain ways.

Keys.
Keys worn on the right hip indicate that the wearer is submissive; keys worn on the left hip indicate that the wearer is a dominant. Keys worn on both hips indicate that the wearer is a janitor.

Handkerchiefs.
Handkerchiefs signal an interest in a particular “sub-specialty” of SM. A black handkerchief, for example, usually shows an interest in “heavy” SM, particularly whipping. A red handkerchief suggests an interest in fisting. Checkered handkerchiefs signal a desire for safer sex.

A handkerchief worn in the right hip pocket, or tied around the right boot, indicates an interest in the submissive or receptive aspect of the subject. A handkerchief worn on the left suggests an interest in the dominant or active role. These signals are usually accompanied by leather clothing, boots, and similar regalia, and apply primarily to the gay and lesbian community.

The handkerchief code varies from place to place, although red and black are fairly constant. Check the code in your area before you do too much “advertising.” You can often get a card outlining the local code from a leather store that sells handkerchiefs to gay customers.

Be cautious about drawing similar conclusions from apparently heterosexual people. Of course, nowadays it’s not entirely inappropriate to ask someone (politely and discreetly, please) if the keys or handkerchief they’re wearing have any “unique” significance.

One other point: nowadays members of some subcultures delight in wearing collars, handcuffs, and black leather clothing. From what I can gather, they wear most of these items only for their decorative value. (Although the idea of SM is far more acceptable to many young people than ever before.)

A proposal.
It’s time heterosexuals had a discreet, but definite, way to signal their interest in SM. I propose the wearing of a simple, black leather ring, held together by a single rivet. Such a ring would be inexpensive, and could be discreetly removed as the situation permitted.

I suggest, in keeping with tradition, that dominants wear such rings on their left hand and submissives wear them on their right.

Can be your pet?

Men Look¡ng for Women

While the situation is not as bad as it was, there are still many more men seeking women within the SM community than there are women to accommodate them. For this reason, the heterosexual male seeking a play partner or a life partner faces some special challenges. I’ve seen many such men waste huge amounts of time, money, and effort on ineffective partner-finding strategies. Fortunately, there is hope - I found a partner, most of my men friends have found partners, and you probably can too.

Basic fact: The odds strongly favor finding a woman you like and getting her interested in SM, not finding a woman into SM and hoping you’ll like each other.

Let’s look at some basic partner-finding tactics.

Personal ads in sex magazines.
Many men advertise in sex magazines and newspapers. This usually wastes their time and money. Very few women, other than sex workers, read such publications. Even fewer answer their ads. If you advertise in a sex publication, you probably will get a few responses, but almost all will be from...

1. “Professional” women wanting you to buy photos, panties, or similar items, or wanting you to pay to see them.

2. Other men, some of whom will be gay and proposition you, and some who get off by sending dirty letters.

3. Men impersonating women. These pathetic wretches are “letter freaks.” They will represent themselves as a woman whose interest in SM is compatible to yours. “She” may even include a photo of “herself.” Be careful here. These assholes know you might doubt their truthfulness, so they can go to incredible, even insane, lengths to convince. (One friend of mine spent several months, and several hundred dollars, writing to the dominant woman of his dreams - and then found out that “her” letters were originating from the state men’s penitentiary.)

No woman has ever been able to tie me up so that I can’t get loose.

Recognizing and dealing with letter freaks.

These classic warnings suggest you may be dealing with a letter freak:

1. A typed letter. These guys know their handwriting is unfeminine, so they type their letters.

2. The letter will not include a telephone number. This is a bit tricky, as a cautious woman quite sensibly might not want to send her number to a stranger, at least with her first letter. But if “her” second or third letter lacks a telephone number, beware.

3. They will describe their appearance in graphic, visual terms. Most real women won’t do that, especially regarding specific parts of their body or clothing they like to wear. Also, most women would never send a nude picture to a stranger. If you receive such a photo, particularly if you didn’t ask for one, you can almost conclude on that basis alone that you’re dealing with a fraud.

4. Especially, especially, especially, they will want you to reveal as much as possible about yourself in your return letter. Be suspicious of requests for your full name, your street address, home telephone number, and photographs (especially nude photographs).

5. Another key sign: extended exchanging of letters with no contact either on the phone or in person. Remember, a letter freak’s goals are to prolong the correspondence as long as possible, and to get you to reveal as much as possible. Get very suspicious if “she” wants more than two rounds of correspondence before more personal contact.

Note: Letter freaks rarely place or answer ads in singles’ publications.

Another note: One way to counter-attack a letter freak, especially if he (and it’s almost always a “he”) is using a private mail drop, would be to show the letters he has sent you to the staff. If you convince them this guy is defrauding others, they might drop him. Also, also consider sending copies to the other local mail drops so the letter freak will have trouble renting another box.

If the letter freak is using a U.S. post office box, you might consider staking out the box and confronting him. Prepare to meet an extremely pathetic individual - often sloppily dressed, ugly, and with no friends. You also might consider sending the material to the local postmaster (after, of course, cutting away - don’t just cross out - your address). Sending obscene material through the mail is a crime, so the letter freak could land in jail.

Remember this: The letter freak knows that eventually each victim will “wise up.” But they also know most will do nothing other than send one final, angry letter. If you get letter-freaked, by all means, in some way, counter-attack.

In summary, the number of sincere replies to a man’s sex-publication ad will be very small. They do sometimes happen. A strongly motivated woman will buy such a paper, and from time to time I have heard of someone playing “matchmaker” by showing a man’s ad to an SM-interested woman they know, but these women are rare and quickly find partners. If you advertised in a sex paper and got two sincere replies in a full year, I would consider you fortunate.